Digest for Friday, April 26, 2002

There are 11 messages totalling 611 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. French Successfully Increase Enmity Toward French
  2. Smiles.....
  3. The prison riot
  4. Animals Are DIRTY!!!!
  5. Oops
  6. No Evidence?
  7. Poetry Corner: A Bovine Bailout
  8. Accountants
  9. Payola
  10. Puns of the Weak 4/26/2 (Part 1)
  11. Press Briefing by the President


----------------------------------------------------------------------


Date:    Fri, 26 Apr 2002 02:02:21 -0400
From:    Rollo Tomasi <rollotomasi@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: French Successfully Increase Enmity Toward French

Paris (SatireWire.com) — The French, apparently concerned that the world's antipathy
toward them might soften, handed a victory Sunday to ultra nationalist Jean-Marie Le Pen,
who will now take on Jacque Chirac for president.

Le Pen, who has called the holocaust a "detail of history" and blamed immigrants for most
of the country's social ills, surprisingly tallied the second-most votes in the first
round of presidential elections. As a result, French voters successfully eliminated both
front-runner Lionel Jospin, and any chance that the rest of the planet will like them.
__
Copyright © 2000-2002, SatireWire

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Date:    Fri, 26 Apr 2002 07:17:06 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Smiles.....

Checking the menu, a restaurant customer ordered a bowl of vegetable soup.
After a couple of spoonfuls, he noticed a little pool of liquid forming
under the bowl. He called the waitress over and said, "There's broth all
over the table. I think the bowl is cracked." The waitress said, "You
ordered vegetable soup, didn't you?"
"Yes," answered the customer.
"Maybe it has a leek in it!" replied the waitress.

=======================================================================

A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch whiskey. The bartender
pours him the drink and says, "That's quite a heavy drink. What's wrong?"
After downing his drink, the guy says, "I got home and found my wife in
bed screwing my best friend."
"Wow" says the bartender, pouring the man a second triple scotch. "No
wonder you needed a stiff drink. The second triple is on the house."

As the man downs his second triple scotch, the bartender asks him, "What
did you do?" The guy says, "I walked over to my wife, looked her straight
in the eye and told her that we were through and to get the hell out." The
bartender says, "That makes sense, but what about your best friend?" The
guy says, "I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and
said...'BAD DOG!'"

=========================================================================

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment. The man had an important appointment and had
to be at the airport on time the next day. Not wanting to be the first to
break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me
at 5:00 A.M.."

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 A.M. and
that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his
wife  hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper on the bed...it
said......................... "It is 5:00 A.M., wake up!"

=========================================================================

A Woman's Prayer.....

Lord
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who's willy's thick and long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
When promises to call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, wont be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! send me a man who will make love to my mind,
Knows just what to say, when I ask "How big's my behind?"
One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin,
In the hall, the loo, the garden and kitchen!
I pray that this man will love me no end,
And never attempts to shag my best friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the wanker you sent me instead.
Amen.



A Man's Prayer:

Lord
I pray for a chick with big tits.
Amen

=====================================================================

Deep Thoughts.....

Having a bad day?
Imagine this:
You're a Siamese twin.
Your brother, attached to your shoulder, is gay and you're not.
But you only have one ass...
Feel better???

====================================================================

Why Men Are Not Secretaries.....


Husband's note on refrigerator to his wife:

Someone from the Guyna Colleges called. They said the Pabst beer is
normal. Hmmmmm...I didn't know you liked beer.

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Date:    Fri, 26 Apr 2002 06:37:26 -0700
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: The prison riot

The warden, addressing the three instigators of a failed prison riot,
said, "I would like to know two things. First: Why did you revolt?
Second: How did you get out of your cell?"

One of the three men stepped forward, "Warden, we rebelled because
the food is awful."

"I see. And what did you use to break the bars?" The warden asked.

Replied the spokesman, "French Toast..."

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Date:    Fri, 26 Apr 2002 07:41:48 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <PBenoit@COOKSONELECTRONICS.COM>
Subject: Animals Are DIRTY!!!!  <adult>

There were five animals in a restaurant. The waiter comes over at
the end of the night to collect for the drinks.
The skunk says, "Don't look at me, I haven't got a scent."
The duck says, "Just put it on my bill."
The cow says, "You'll have to ask one of the udders."
The deer says, "I had a buck last week and I'm expecting a little
doe soon."
The giraffe says, "Well, I guess the high balls are on me then."

     --+-- --+-- --+-- --+-- --+--

Q: What do you get when you cross Lassie with a Pitbull?
A: A dog that bites off your leg and then runs for help.

     --+-- --+-- --+-- --+-- --+--

A tractor salesman was passing a farm, where the farmer was plowing the
field with a bull. He goes over and offers to sell the farmer a tractor
to plow with. The farmer tells him "I don't need a tractor, I have
three new ones at the barn."

"Well if you have three new tractors at the barn, why are you plowing
this field with that bull?" asked the salesman.

The farmer replied, "This is part of the bulls continuing education, I
am teaching him that there is more to farming than fucking and tearing
down fences."

     --+-- --+-- --+-- --+-- --+--

The farm is in a flurry.
The rooster caught the flu.
His cock-a-doodle-doo
Has changed to cock-a-doodle-CHOO!

     --+-- --+-- --+-- --+-- --+--

John sat glumly all evening eyeing his wife suspiciously. Finally,
he blurted, "Linda, admit it. You've been sucking off the dog!"
"What?!?" she shouted. "How can you say such a thing?"
"I've been watching you two," Herb answered. "Every time you yawn,
he gets a hard-on!"

     --+-- --+-- --+-- --+-- --+--

Q: What do you call two pigs fighting?
A: Ham to Ham Combat.

     --+-- --+-- --+-- --+-- --+--

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little
lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"
The shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and
asks, "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy black wabby,
or maybe one like that cute wittle brown wabby over there?"
She in turn puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a
quiet voice, "I don't fink my pyfon weally gives a phuck!"

     --+-- --+-- --+-- --+-- --+--

Q: What do you get if you cross a giant ape
   with whipped egg whites and sugar?
A: Merangue-atan!

     --+-- --+-- --+-- --+-- --+--

A farmer has to go out to plow his rental field about 10 miles from his
farm. To get there he must drive his tractor, and his dog old Joe trots
along beside him. Halfway through the plowing, the tractor runs out of
fuel. He wanders out to the road and flags down a ride, which just happens
to be a Ferrari. The driver says, "You can have a ride, but that dog can't
get in my car."

The farmer says, "Don't worry. Old Joe will keep up."

The driver figures he'll show the farmer just what his car can do and lets
it rip. Just as he is going into 5th gear, he looks out the window and sure

enough Old Joe is right beside him. He can't wait to have a look at the
amazing dog, so he slams on the brakes, and the car stops rather abruptly.

The driver jumps out exclaiming, "He's the most incredible dog I've ever
seen! But what kind of collar is that he's wearing?"

The farmer shook his head and said, "That's not a collar, that's his
asshole... he's not used to stopping that fast."

       (thanx to Ernie's House of WhoopAss & FootLongHotDog)

*******************
If a sheep is a ram and a mule is an ass,
how come a ram in the ass is a goose?



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Date:    Fri, 26 Apr 2002 07:49:16 -0500
From:    Tom and Carrol <tcr@CHARTER.NET>
Subject: Oops

The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a
great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots,
so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.

"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor.

As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was
warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled,
"Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they
were in the air.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make
three or four low level
passes."

 "Why?" asked the pilot.

"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers
take pictures!" said
 the photographer with great exasperation and impatience.

After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"

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Date:    Fri, 26 Apr 2002 09:06:09 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: No Evidence?

Several women appeared in court, each accusing the other of the trouble
they were having in the apartment building where they lived.  The judge,
with Solomon-like wisdom decreed, "I'll hear the oldest first."

The case was dismissed for lack of testimony.

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Fri, 26 Apr 2002 12:22:33 -0400
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Poetry Corner: A Bovine Bailout

As someone once said:  "A Friday without cows is like a Wednesday without
parsnips."
===================


                               Poem: "The Day of Falling Cows," by Tom Paxton.

                               The Day of Falling Cows

                               The Russian cargo plane sat on the tarmac,
                               Somewhere in Siberia, waiting to fly.
                               The crew, who thought that they were wild
cowboyskis,
                               Had stolen all these cattle - they weren't sure
why.
                               They drove their stolen herd aboard the airplane;
                               The plane roared down the runway in the dawn.
                               The Russian rustlers gave each other high fives,
                               And soon the herd of stolen cattle was gone.

                               The cattle-bearing cargo plane kept climbing,
                               And finally leveled off at cruising speed.
                               The herd began to show some signs of panic;
                               The herd began to threaten to stampede.
                               The crew tried singing cowboy songs to soothe
them -
                               It only seemed to scare the cattle more.
                               And now the crew themselves began to lose it,
                               And someone opened up the cargo door.

                               The cattle had been milling around in terror
                               Round the cargo hold they trampled about.
                               They saw the cargo door begin to open,
                               And, cattle being cattle, they ran out,
                               Mooing like a herd of Texas longhorns,
                               Out the cargo door of the plane they ran,
                               But, instead of the frozen soil of old Siberia,
                               They were five and a half miles over the Sea of
Japan.

                               Meanwhile, on the tranquil sea below them,
                               On the shimmering waters of green and blue,
                               Bobbed a busy fleet of Japanese fishermen,
                               Casting nets and doing what fishermen do.
                               All at once, the fishermen were frozen
                               If you had been there, you'd have been frozen,
too
                               To hear a sound all fishermen hear with horror:
                               The sound of falling cattle going "Moo!"

                               The cattle started hitting the troubled waters;
                               They'd hit the Sea of Japan with a water "Splat!"
                               But someone happened to be beneath a big one;
                               It went right through and sank that sucker flat.
                               The eland fears the roar of a hungry lion;
                               A mouse goes weak at the sound of a cat's meows,
                               But these days, Japanese fishermen live in
terror,
                               And listen for the sound of falling cows.

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Date:    Fri, 26 Apr 2002 16:20:36 -0600
From:    Emko Witteveen <emko@MAC.COM>
Subject: Accountants

What's the definition of an accountant?
Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in
a way you don't understand.

What's the definition of a good tax accountant?
Someone who has a loophole named after him.

When does a person decide to become an accountant?
When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to
succeed as an undertaker.

What's an extroverted accountant?
One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you
instead of his own.

What's an auditor?
Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets
all the wounded.

Why did the auditor cross the road?
Because he looked in the file and that's what they
did last year.

How do you drive an accountant completely insane?
Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a
road map the wrong way.

What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?
Depreciation.
---
For every action, isn't there an equal and opposite
malfunction?

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Date:    Fri, 26 Apr 2002 19:44:56 -0700
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Payola

   HULKED OFF: Movie magic or movie madness -- that's the debate going on between some Telegraph Hill residents and San Francisco officials as preparations begin for the "on location" shoot of "The Hulk."
   Universal Studios' producers plan to turn the neighborhood into a Hollywood war zone for the high-budget action flick. The script calls for helicopters overhead, cable cars and autos overturned and a general pain in the neck for residents for about two weeks.
   "This is a multimillion-dollar extravaganza . . . intended to be a huge blockbuster that makes hundreds of millions for its backers. And what do you got out of it? Nothing," proclaims an anonymous flyer making the rounds along Vallejo, Sansome, Montgomery and Green streets.
   The suggestion: Everyone on the affected blocks should get a thousand bucks for their trouble. Why not? Everyone else from landlords to the cops directing traffic is getting a cut, the flyer argues.
   It's not the first time Hill dwellers have raised a ruckus about being taken over by Hollywood -- just about every movie that comes to town wants to film there.
   "Of course, they do," says Film Commission Director Martha Cohen. "On one side you have the Bay Bridge and the waterfront, and on the other you have the Transamerica tower -- but Universal has done a very good job of reaching out up there.
"This is just a couple of people who are unhappy that they are not getting paid."
   And flyer or no flyer, chances are slim that anyone is going get $1,000 just for living in the neighborhood.  So what's a ticked-off resident to do?
   Here's an idea: "During the helicopter scenes, make sure you are up on the roof sunbathing naked until they pay you to go away," the flyer suggests.  Or maybe put "Hulk Go Home" signs in your windows, or even paint "Hulk Go Home" on your rooftops.
   "Let them figure out how much it will cost some special-effects guy to remove it from the film later on," the flyer says.
   One thing they won't see, however, is a lot of sympathy from Mayor Willie Brown, who counts Hollywood's visits as money for merchants and jobs for actors -- including himself.   "As a matter of fact, I do have a Screen Actors card," Brown told KGO radio's Ed Baxter. "So you may very well see me popping up in the movie."
   In fact, we think you can count on it.

+Source: San Francisco Chronicle, Matier and Ross, April 24, 2002+


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Date:    Fri, 26 Apr 2002 20:19:24 -0700
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Puns of the Weak 4/26/2 (Part 1)

                        IN THE NEWS:

 •New York Ranger announcer, Sol Messina is obviously unfamiliar with
women’s soccer. Looking at the name “Mia Hamm” he told his audience to
tune in when the New York Power take on the Miami Ham. (Phil Mushkin)•
 •A study by the Fitness Products Council released Thursday shows that
Americans spent $5 billion on home exercise equipment last year. For tax
purposes, exercise equipment may be listed as a "towel rack" after six
months. (Gag-O-Matic)•
 • Put all our congressmen together and they weigh about 96,000 pounds.
It's hard to get anything that weighs 48 tons to move quickly.  (Charlie Jones)•
 •According to the papers, K-Mart stock has dropped 11% because of bad
reports by stock analysts. Apparently, the stock is now so cheap you can
only buy it in K-Mart. (Conan O'Brien)•

                        PUNY RIDDLE CHAIN:

 •Most of us get our eggs from hens. Where in the world would you get
your eggs from roosters? The Himalayas (Stan Kegel)•
 •How is an aircraft carrier similar to a bowling alley after a flood?
Both have warp lanes (war planes) (Gary Hallock)•
 •At the French cooking school, the student just couldn't get the fish
right. The professor complained that no matter what the student did, it
still didn't taste French. Finally, in exasperation, the professor
quoted a proverb (with the inevitable punny twist) that described his
feeling that the student would never get it right. What proverb is that?
One man's meat is another man's poisson (Clynch Varnadore)•
 •Walden Pond is famous for the raising of what domestic animals?
Thoreau bred horses (Stan Kegel)•
 •What is a whiff of communist perfume worth? Not a red scent. (Gary Hallock)•
 •What is the favorite song of a young country boy who heads for the big
city, seeking to reap great profit by working for a national computer
company? Farmer in the Dell  (David Bunch)  •
 •What do you call your girl-friend if she becomes a deer whenever there
is a full moon? A Weirdo (were-doe) (Stan Kegel)•
 •What do cowboys call a laid-back city slicker who hires onto the crew
of a submersible watercraft? Subdude. (Gary Hallock)•

                        OTHER RIDDLES:

 •What happened when the farmer lost all his chickens through a hole in
the fence? He had to recoop his losses (Lederer & Ertner)   •
 •What do you get if you cross a giant ape with whipped egg whites and
sugar? Merangue-atan! (Marina)•
 •What do you get when you cross a Chinaman with a Jewish mother?
Someone who makes misfortune cookies! (Ed Kotler)•
 •Why shouldn't you wash your rabbit with goat's milk? You're not
supposed to use that greasy kid stuff on your hare. (Harold Clark)•
 •Why was the gambler hiding in the shrubbery next to the racetrack? He
was hedging his bets   (Lederer & Ertner)  •
 •What is the proper medical term for the circumcision of a rabbit? A
Hare Cut. (Paul Benoit)•
 •What did the wife say to the undertaker when he started hitting his
stalled car? Stop beating a dead hearse.  (Lederer & Ertner) •
 •What's the difference between a tennis ball and the prince of Wales?
One is heir to the thrown and the other is thrown into the air. (Harold Clark)•
 •What did the sharks do when the Weight Watchers class went for a swim?
They chewed the fat.  (Lederer & Ertner) •

                        DEFINITIONS:

 •Icing: What I do when I shower. (Stan Kegel) •
 •Nepotism: Putting on heirs (Kim Evans) •
 •Bachelor: One who doesn't want to altar his existence (Leo Weiner)•
 •Iambic: The singing pen in the commercial (Stan Kegel) •
 •Ice: Visual organs (Cynthia MacGregor)•
 •Witty: Jest in time  (Leo Weiner)•
 •Impatience: Elves in a Doctor's office (Stan Kegel) •
 •Icon:  What scam artists do for a living. (Ken Pinkham) •
 •Madam:  Someone for whom the belles toil. (Paul Benoit)•
 •Ice cream: I yell, employing many decibels (Cynthia MacGregor)•
 •Papoose: The consolation prize for taking a chance on an indian
blanket. (Tony Etienne)•
 •Ice skate: a Southern belle known formally as Katharine introduces
herself (Cynthia MacGregor)•
 •Average: The average person has one ovary and one testicle. (Harold Clark)•
 •Impasse: Playful dwarf's behind (Stan Kegel) •

                        TOM SWIFTIES:

 •"You will spend the next thirty days in county jail. Period," said the
judge with conviction finishing the sentence. (Stan Kegel).•
 •"I  plan to do more rowing exercises to build up my pectorals," she
said robustly. (Taimse)•
 •"Washington never told a lie," Tom told his class altruistically.
(Stan Kegel)•
 •"Oliver, I definitely will become more etiquette-conscious. I'm going
to remove the cap from my head whenever I am in the same room with a
lady," Laurel told Hardy standoffishly. (Rick P.)•
 •"I shot him in cold blood," admitted Tom gravely. (Monte Skaufle)•
 •"Your trousers have come apart!" was Tom's unseemly comment, which had
us all in stitches. (Stan Kegel)•
 •"And this year, we're not going to do the same puzzles over and over
again," both Emily and Henry resolved.(Emily Cox and Henry Rathvon) •
 •"Let me deal the cards," said Tom, shuffling along, looking flushed but
with a straight face. (Stan Kegel)•
 •"I will finish painting the Pennsylvania sign black," Tom stated
boldly.(Game Dame)•

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Date:    Sat, 27 Apr 2002 01:43:16 -0400
From:    The Punk <the-punk-with-the-stutter@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Press Briefing by the President

REMARKS BY THE PRESIDENT REGARDING HIS PRIVATE
MEETINGS WITH SAUDI ARABIAC CROWN PRINCE ABDULLAH

For Immediate Release
Office of the Press Secretary
April 26, 2002  - 11:42 A.M. (CST)

THE PRESIDENT: Good morning.  Thank you for joining me here in Crawford.  As you know, I
spent a good portion of yesterday in the company of Saudi Arabiac Crown Prince Abdullah.
And while he departed hastily to return to his beloved sand people, I am pleased to claim
that our meetings were very productive and friendly.  I gave him the nickname of Prince
Picnic Basket, on account of how that tablecloth he wears on his head looks like the one
my mother used to spread out for fried chicken picnics under the oil wells back in
Midland - and he called me Captain Zionist Pigboy.  It was all very positive.

Laura and I were honored that the Prince came to our humble Texas home.  Over the years,
the Saudi royal family has played gracious host to the Bush family on dozens and dozens of
occasions while we negotiated private and fabulously lucrative oil deals, so it really was
a pleasure to finally return the hospitality.  Of course, I was sad to be unable to
entertain the Prince with the wonderful after-dinner beheadings I know he and King Fahd
enjoy so much, but I did assure him that on his next visit, we would go down to the prison
and electrocute a mongoloid or two.  He seemed to like that.

The Prince and I spoke at length about the ongoing situation between the Israeloids and
the Palestinos, and I have to tell you, he seemed pretty worked up over it.  Why all these
Muslimian people continue to squabble over that little swatch of desert with no oil under
it I will never know.  But the Prince was adamant - he says that unless my administration
stops playing footsy with Ariel Sharon - that all the kindergartners in his country will
stop being taught to wave sticks of dynamite and screech "Death to America," and start
being taught to wave sticks of dynamite and screech "Super-Death to America!"  I didn't
like the sound of that.  Not one bit.

Of course, my administration remains firmly committed to preserving the appearance of
friendliness with the Saudi Arabiac royals.  Never mind that they nurture and support the
very terrorists I have pledged to destroy.  They also keep the tank of my beloved 3-ton
ivory white pickup perpetually topped off, and for that I honor them.  I also honor their
millions of explosively volatile subjects, whose talents are limited exclusively to
extracting oil from beneath the arid, scorched wasteland that is their entire nation.  And
I sincerely feign respect for their religion, and hope that its peaceful adherents will
prevail on that inevitable day when the Saudi oil deposits are tapped out, and a panicked
and newly impoverished populace wastes no time in ritualistically disemboweling the entire
royal family.  So let's hope Prince Picnic Basket can hang on for awhile, OK?  (Laughter.)

In closing, I have a message for you folks in the press corps.  Now I know you're here
doing a job, but I want you to remember that not only is this private property, this is my
home - and while I know that the single Port-o-Potty behind the chopper hangar isn't
enough for all of you, I'm afraid that all this sneaking behind the ranch to do your
squirtin' is going to have to stop - especially with my mother-in-law Jenna Welch
visiting.  She's tired of looking out her window and seeing Wolf Blitzer's nubbin
spritzing his morning coffee all over Laura's champion yellow roses.  Do I make myself
clear?  Good.

Thank you, and God Bless.
__
©2001-2002 - a chickenhead productions parody

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