Digest for Thursday, April 25, 2002

There are 10 messages totalling 542 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Humans Insist They Are Not Dumber Than Rice
  2. Hymns vs. Choruses
  3. SHIFT
  4. Political Witticisms From Will Rogers
  5. Children - useful quips
  6. Kids letters to God
  7. Idiots Guide To Sex - author unknown
  8. A Noteworthy Publication Date
  9. Deja vu
  10. Unraveling the Tangled Web


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Date:    Thu, 25 Apr 2002 02:02:57 -0400
From:    Rollo Tomasi <rollotomasi@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Humans Insist They Are Not Dumber Than Rice

Many Believed to Be Correct

        "(A cell of) rice appears to contain about 50,000
        genes, compared with about 35,000 for humans."
                                 The Wall Street Journal, April, 2002

San Diego, Calif. (SatireWire.com)  Word that genetic researchers have discovered a cell
of rice contains more genes than a human cell has caused widespread outrage as people
across the globe attempt to prove that humans are easily as smart as a grain of rice.

In Edmonton, Canada, 34-year-old Alan Snigget was one of many average humans who devised
intelligence tests to discredit the implication that rice is more evolved.  The postal
worker began by taping a grain of rice to a brick wall  "but lightly, so it could move if
it had to"  then hopping behind the wheel of his 1994 Dodge pickup truck.  After honking
several times to give fair warning, Snigget drove at high speed directly into the rice.
According to eyewitnesses, however, the rice never moved.

Said one Edmonton police officer who observed the scene: "Stupid rice."

As in Snigget's case, humans have managed to prevail in almost every test.  In Montgomery,
Ala., state employee Rodney Lopat said he took "two out of three" in a geography quiz
against the allegedly brainy grain.  And in Aberdeen, Scotland, lorry driver Duncan McCann
is confident he will win a chess match that began three days ago.  Asked why the game was
taking so long, McCann explained that the rice is using the white pieces.  "I'm still
waiting for it to make the first move," he said.

RICE RIOTS

While most man vs. grain confrontations have been peaceful, a few have devolved into
violence.  Most notably, rice riots erupted yesterday in Germany after an angry crowd of
National Front youths spotted a man who, they decided, looked like a piece of rice.  After
chasing the man for two blocks, the throng grew bored, but managed to salvage an otherwise
disappointing afternoon by ransacking a Japanese restaurant.

In response, the Rev. Jesse Jackson called for a boycott of any food product companies
that differentiate between white and brown rice.

The press, meanwhile, has generally denounced the findings.  In a front-page editorial,
the Straits Times of Singapore questioned whether researchers had taken cells from a
representative cross-section of humans, or just actor Robert Blake.  Expressing its anger,
USA Today called the report "as useless as studies insisting there is a widespread dumbing
down of America," and included a series of colorful graphs and charts to illustrate its
point.

If any one sentiment prevails, however, it is the belief in human superiority.  To that
end, CNN.com released the results of a poll asking "Are humans dumber than rice?"  A full
51 percent of respondents voted no, while only 15 percent clicked yes.  The remaining 34
percent accidentally clicked the wrong button, panicked, and deleted their browsers.
___
Copyright  2002, SatireWire

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Date:    Thu, 25 Apr 2002 12:44:05 +0000
From:    Randall Woodman <rwoodman@ATTBI.COM>
Subject: Hymns vs. Choruses

An old farmer went to the city one weekend and attended the big city
church. He came home and his wife asked him how it was.

"Well," said the farmer, "it was good.  They did something different,
however.  They sang praise choruses instead of hymns."

"Praise choruses?" said his wife.  "What are those?"

"Oh, they're OK.  They are sort of like hymns, only different," said the
farmer.

"Well, what's the difference?" asked his wife.

The farmer said, "Well, it's like this - If I were to say to you:
"Martha, the cows are in the corn"' - well, that would be a hymn. If on
the other hand, I were to say to you:

'Martha, Martha, Martha,
Oh Martha, MARTHA, MARTHA,
the cows, the big cows, the brown cows, the black cows
the white cows,
the black and white cows,
the COWS, COWS, COWS
are in the corn,
are in the corn, are in the corn, are in the corn,
the CORN, CORN, CORN.'

Then, if I were to repeat the whole thing two or three times, well, that
would be a praise chorus."

The next weekend, his nephew, a young, new Christian from the city came
to visit and attended the local church of the small town.  He went home
and his mother asked him how it was.

"Well," said the young man, "it was good.  They did something different
however.  They sang hymns instead of regular songs."

"Hymns?" asked his mother.  "What are those?"

"Oh, they're OK.  They are sort of like regular songs, only different,"
said the young man.

"Well, what's the difference?" asked his mother.

The young man said, "Well, it's like this - If I were to say to you:
'Martha, the cows are in the corn' - well, that would be a regular song.
If on the other hand, I were to say to you:

'Oh Martha, dear Martha, hear thou my cry
Inclinest thine ear to the words of my mouth
Turn thou thy whole wondrous ear by and by
To the righteous, inimitable, glorious truth.

For the way of the animals who can explain
There in their heads is no shadow of sense
Hearkenest they in God's sun or His rain
Unless from the mild, tempting corn they are fenced.

Yea those cows in glad bovine, rebellious delight
Have broke free their shackles, their warm pens eschewed
Then goaded by minions of darkness and night
They all my mild Chilliwack sweet corn have chewed.

So look to the bright shining day by and by
Where all foul corruptions of earth are reborn
Where no vicious animals make my soul cry
And I no longer see those foul cows in the corn.'

Then if I were to do only verses one, three and four and do a key change
on the last verse, well that would be a hymn.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=} Randall {=-  If you play Satanist music backwards, do you get hymns?

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Date:    Thu, 25 Apr 2002 08:39:41 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <PBenoit@COOKSONELECTRONICS.COM>
Subject: SHIFT

SHIFT KEYS FAQ


Q. My shift keys have little arrows on them. Does that mean the
*real* shift keys are located above them, and these keys are just
little signs to point them out?

A. Nope, they're the Real McCoy. The little arrows mean "up", as
in "look up at the screen". Your keyboard is telling you to learn
to touch type and quit staring at your fingers.

Q. What happens if I press both shift keys?

A. Even bigger letters may show up on your screen. You should not
use this feature, however, because these letters are also brighter,
and may cause Screen Burn-In, which would be particularly
embarrassing if you were typing something naughty at the time. You
might consider obtaining the author's Shift Key Burn-In Protector
program for only $139.95. Or you might not, it's your computer, but
don't say I didn't warn you.

Q. my religion prohibits the use of shift keys. how can i type
capital letters and punctuation

A. Discuss alternatives to the shift key with your spiritual
advisor. Perhaps your deity would not be angered by repeated use
of the Caps Lock key, or maybe you can retain a consultant to
depress the shift for you.

You might also consider replacing punctuation marks that require
the use of shift keys with lower case expressions; replace ? with
"huh" and ! with "zowie".

Q. I PRESSED SHIFT AND IT"S STUCK DOWN NOW>

A. Do small children with a fondness for peanut butter use your
keyboard frequently? If so, you may want to clean it off for more
reliable operation. First, disconnect your keyboard by gripping each
of its ends firmly and pulling as hard as you can. Next, immerse the
keyboard in warm water and scrub thoroughly with your favorite lemon-
scented detergent and lots of steel wool. Finally, you need to dry
the keyboard. Either dry it to touch with a handheld blowdryer, or
place it in the dryer for not less than 60 minutes. Be sure to clean
the lint screen when you are finished.

Q. Why are there are no "shift" keys on my keyboard, but there are
two keys labeled "hif"?

A. Again, you may want to consider cleaning your keyboard, and washing
your hands more frequently for that matter.


*******************
APATHY ERROR:  Don't bother striking any key


______________________________________________________
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_____________________________________________________

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Date:    Thu, 25 Apr 2002 09:09:56 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Political Witticisms From Will Rogers

Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing - and
that was the closest our country has ever been to being even.

I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat.

The man with the best job in the country is the Vice-President.
All he has to do is get up every morning and say "How is the
president?"

Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggy" until you can find a
rock.

Liberty don't work as good in practice as it does in speeches.

If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek
once a year with it in your pockets. All that don't get wet you
can keep.

(Will Rogers was a popular American humorist of stage and films
in the early 1900s. His homespun philosophy appealed to a very
wide audience, so much so that he was even offered a nomination
to Governor of Oklahoma. He declined the same.)

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Thu, 25 Apr 2002 08:27:43 -0500
From:    Tom and Carrol <tcr@CHARTER.NET>
Subject: Children - useful quips

1.  You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and
talk.  Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.

2.  Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing  your children.

3.  Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like clearing
the driveway before it
 has stopped snowing.

4.  There is only one pretty child in the world and every mother has
it.(Chinese Proverb)

5.  Mothers of teens know why animals eat their young.

6.  I asked Mom if I was a gifted child...she said they certainly wouldn't
have paid for me.

7.  Children are natural mimics, who act like their  parents despite every
effort to teach them good manners.

8.  Children seldom misquote you.  In fact, they usually repeat word for
word what you shouldn't
have said.

9.  The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself
that there are children
 more awful than your own.

10.  We child proofed our home 3 years ago and  they're still getting in!

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Date:    Thu, 25 Apr 2002 09:25:55 -0700
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Kids' letters to God

A Nun asked her class to write a letter to God.
Here are some of the results:

Dear God:
Instead of letting people die and making new ones,
why don't you just keep the ones you have?
- Johnny

Dear God:
Maybe Cain and Abel would not have killed each other if they
had their own rooms. It worked with me and my brother.
- Larry

Dear God:
If you watch me in church on Sunday,
I'll show You my new shoes.
- Mickey

Dear God:
Is it true my father won't get into Heaven
if he uses his bowling words in the house?
- Anita

Dear God:
Did You mean for the giraffe to look like that
or was it an accident?
- Norma

Dear God:
Thank you for the baby brother, but
what I prayed for was a puppy.
- Joyce

Dear God:
Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before.
You can look it up.
- Bruce

Dear God:
I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big,
but not with so much hair all over.
- Sam

Dear God:
I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying.
- Elliot

Dear God:
Of all the people who work for You,
I like Noah and David the best.
- Rob

Dear God:
We read that Thomas Edison made light, but in Sunday school,
they said You did it.  So, I bet he stole Your idea.
- Sincerely, Donna

Dear God:
I didn't think orange went with purple,
until I saw the sunset You made on Tuesday.
That was cool.
- Sara

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Date:    Thu, 25 Apr 2002 08:16:02 -1000
From:    Mickey&Karen <mhenn@GTE.NET>
Subject: Idiot's Guide To Sex - author unknown <adult>

1. Eating Mexican food is not the cause of
gonorrhea.

2. There is no need for dice in roleplaying.

3. Intercourse doesn't happen on a highway.

4. If you engage in oral sex first, it's not
called a head start.

5. If she says she's into "bondage," don't show
her your financial portfolio.

6. You can lie down during a one-night stand.

7. When a woman talks about waiting for the
"right time," she's not referring to a commercial
break.

8. Only sleep with someone you love or can say
you love without smirking.

9. Making out doesn't mean getting your money's
worth.

10. Sex is like "The Club" - Accept no
substitutes.

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Date:    Thu, 25 Apr 2002 17:13:38 -0400
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: A Noteworthy Publication Date

The April 2nd Issue of NATURE magazine, for 1953, came out on this
date (April 25) 49 years ago. That issue contained an article by an
English chap (Francis Crick) and a gangly American lad names James Watson.
You know where I'm going: they proposed a model for DNA.

This publication date marks a generational boundary!  Any kid who did
biology after this date learned to say,  "Deoxyribose Nucleic Acid."  The
vast majority of parents suddently didn't know WHAT their children were talking
about!

The penultimate paragraph in the paper contains one of the most famous
pieces of unterstatement in the history of science:

"It has not escaped our notice that the specific pairing we have postulated
immediately suggests a possible copying mechanism for the genetic material"

This sentence gave rise to modern genetic engineering.

The boys received their Nobel Prize (for Bio, not for Literature) in 1962.


--
Jim Mica  JMICA@ITHACA.EDU      (c)MMII
What is true is what I can't help believing.
        Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.

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Date:    Thu, 25 Apr 2002 18:50:10 -0700
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Deja vu

+Got this from my friend Ana E. Muss+

   My sister was bemoaning the fact that she had procrastinated cleaning and
organizing her house for a long time.  Since she was planning to entertain, she
felt a lot of pressure to get moving.  That afternoon she phoned, sounding glum.
   "I went to the bookstore," she explained.  "And I bought a book on how to get organized.  I was all fired up, and decided to clean out all the shelves in the living
room.  While I was working, I found the same darn book.  I had bought it a couple of years ago."



Is your boss reading your email? ....Probably
Keep your messages private by using Lycos Mail.
Sign up today at http://mail.lycos.com

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Date:    Fri, 26 Apr 2002 01:36:32 -0400
From:    The Punk <the-punk-with-the-stutter@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Unraveling the Tangled Web

A guide to the amazing, spectacular world of Spider-Man

WITH HIS FILM "swinging" into theaters, America is caught in Spider-Man's "web," and will
soon be "eaten." But did you know that the cinematic superhero can be found other places
besides lunchboxes, soda cans and ads for Motorola?  He actually appears in thousands of
"comic books" as well!  Here's a primer to the four-color world of your friendly
neighborhood Spider-Man.
_____________________________

Comic Books - Periodicals containing a narrative told in and words pictures.  Comic books
cover a wide range of subject matter including anger management ("The Incredible Hulk"),
non-erotic lassoing ("Wonder Woman"), the joys of perpetual bachelorhood ("Batman") and
winning the Pulitzer Prize ("Maus").
_____________________________

Marvel Comics - Publisher of the Spider-Man comic books.  Recently enjoying great success
with film adaptations of the "X-Men" and "Blade" comics.  However, in the past, Marvel
characters were featured in some costly bombs such as "Howard the Duck" and "The Bonfire
of the Vanities."
_____________________________

Stan Lee - Legend has it that during a 48-hour acid trip in the early 60s, Lee was
convinced that radioactive spiders were crawling out of his skin and exclaimed, "I've got
a great idea for a comic book!" He then went straight to his typewriter and created "The
Fantastic Four."
_____________________________

Amazing Fantasy #15 - The 1962 comic book in which Spider-Man made his debut.  First
editions of the issue have sold at auction for over $30,000.  Ironic, as the original
cover price of the issue was $50,000.
_____________________________

The Green Goblin - Spider-Man's arch-nemesis.  Name is derived from a deviant sex act
popular during the early 60s.  This terrifying villain sometimes teamed up with the
nefarious Dirty Sanchez to double-team Spidey.
_____________________________

Tobey Maguire - Studio execs were initially skeptical about casting the indie film actor
as Spider-Man, but Maguire wowed them with his low-key charm and ability to scale walls.
_____________________________

Willem Dafoe - Portrays the Green Goblin, who wears a frightening metallic suit to commit
his dastardly crimes.  Even more frightening, the scary Goblin face mask was created using
a plaster cast of Dafoe's own gnarled face!
_____________________________

Kirsten Dunst - Portrays Peter Parker's girlfriend Mary Jane (short for "Marijuana
Jannibus").  At first, comic book fans were upset by the casting of the blond Dunst as
traditionally-redheaded Mary Jane.  But through the magic of special effects, Dunst's hair
appears red in the film!  Special effects wizards were reportedly unable to make the
carpet match the drapes, if you know what I mean.

That is, they couldn't make the blue carpet match the red drapes in the set for Peter
Parker's bedroom.
_____________________________

"Spider-Man, Spider-Man.  Does whatever a spider can." - Schoolyard chant popular among
bullies who taunt Gaithersburg, Maryland fifth grader Billy Spiderman.
_____________________________

"Web-Slinger" - Nickname for Spider-Man.  Other nicknames include "Web-head,
"Wall-Crawler," "The Bat-Man" and "Cash Cow."
_____________________________

Gwen Stacy - Peter Parker's girlfriend in comic book stories from the 1970s.  The
character's tragic death at the hands of the Green Goblin marked the first time a major
character in a comic book series was killed off.  Comic book fans enjoyed posing the
question, "Where were you when you read the issue where Gwen Stacy died?"  The answer is
invariably, "Head first in the toilet receiving a swirly."
_____________________________

Universal Studios Islands of Adventure - Home to the world's only Spider-Man amusement
park ride.  Also home to the world's only Amazing Spider-Man Cherry-Flavored Snocone n
TwixTM Sundae.
_____________________________

"Peter Porker, The Spectacular Spider-Ham" - Parody comic book that ran during the
mid-80's featuring the adventures of a pig in a Spider-Man outfit.  Also, another nickname
for poor Billy Spiderman.
___     ___     ___     ___     ___
Copyright 2002 Modern Humorist, Inc.

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