Digest for Wednesday, April 24, 2002

There are 11 messages totalling 532 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. George Bush Pregnant
  2. This Weeks News In Brief
  3. Medical advice
  4. Guys, Take My Advice... Learn These!!
  5. A Bad American - George Carlin Speaks Out
  6. An oldie, but worth repeating
  7. Ouch!
  8. Puns of the Weak 04/19/02 (Part 5)
  9. Under control
  10. Mans best friend
  11. Texas Trooper (offensive to Texans)


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Date:    Wed, 24 Apr 2002 05:08:50 -0400
From:    Rollo Tomasi <rollotomasi@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: George Bush Pregnant

        Erratic Policy Behavior Result
        of Massive Hormone Surge

Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — Though his fainting spell in early February induced a
few knowing winks, President George Bush's erratic foreign policy mood swings have forced
the White House to acknowledge what the nation's midwives have been whispering for months:
the President is, indeed, pregnant.

Official word that Bush is expecting his first child — his wife Laura bore the couple's
other two — came today from White House spokesman Ari Fleischer, who said the President
waited to make the announcement until he was safely past the first trimester.  Capital
insiders, however, insisted Bush has been "showing and glowing" for almost a month.

"It's more than just a little tummy bulge," said House Majority Leader Dick Armey of
Texas, the father of five.  "The way that man's been contradicting himself lately, oh
honey, he is definitely on the estrogen express."

In considerably less colorful language, White House physician Col. Richard Tubb confirmed
Armey's suspicions.

"During the first 12 weeks after conception, hormonal surges can put a man on an emotional
roller coaster that makes him, at times, impossible to reason with," said Tubb.  "So, for
instance, a father-to-be might crave peanuts one day and hate them the next.  Or he might
back a coup in Venezuela in the morning, and oppose it in the afternoon.  Same thing with,
say, Israeli attacks on the West Bank."

However, Tubb added, hormones level off during the second trimester.

"Thank God for that," said Vice President Dick Cheney, who is on crutches after Bush hit
him in the Achilles tendon with a thrown waste paper basket.  "All I said was, 'Mr.
President, it looks like your milk is coming in early.'

"Heck, I always liked it when my wife said that to me," he added.

THE OVARY OFFICE

While rare, presidential pregnancy is not new.  The oval office itself was built in 1909
to accommodate the expanding girth of William Howard Taft, who despite carrying what
appeared to be triplets, never actually gave birth.  It is particularly common, meanwhile,
for presidents to exhibit the signs of pregnancy, such as swelling breasts, increased
appetite, and heightened sexual interest.  These symptoms often caused many to assume that
then-President Clinton was expecting.

It was later learned, however, that Clinton was never pregnant, although he was
occasionally with child.

In Bush's case, observers say the pregnancy explains several recent events, including:

€ his mysterious swoon during the Super Bowl on Feb. 3.  At the time, Bush claimed he had
choked on a pretzel, but doctors now say it is likely he suffered a pregnancy-related
fainting spell caused by the pressure of his expanding uterus on his blood vessels.

€ his tendency, during cabinet meetings, to place his hands on his belly while
coquettishly asking, "What's bubblin' in Dubya?"

While congratulations for the President were universal, Democratic Congresswoman Cynthia
McKinney of Georgia hinted that Bush should resign if his pregnancy is affecting his
performance.  "The American people voted for someone who could give a State of the Union
address, not a State of the Uterus Address," she sniped.

Ironically, Bush critics from the left and right defended the President.  "I still don't
understand his policies, but I certainly know what he's going through," said Senate
Majority Leader Tom Daschle.  "I think some of these women are just jealous that a man can
bear a child and the weight of office at the same time."

Daschle also announced that he and House Republican Whip Tom DeLay would co-host a
bipartisan baby shower for the President sometime in August.

The President, nesting at his ranch in Crawford, Texas, was knitting 200 tail-warmers for
his cattle and was unavailable for comment.
___
Copyright © 2002, SatireWire

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Date:    Wed, 24 Apr 2002 05:08:40 -0400
From:    The Punk <the-punk-with-the-stutter@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: This Week's News In Brief

South Dakota Considering Maybe Putting Mount Rushmore On State Quarter

PIERRE, SD— South Dakota is thinking about maybe putting Mount Rushmore on its upcoming
state coin, sources reported Monday.  "I forget who came up with the idea, but Mount
Rushmore is definitely in the running," said State Coin Selection Committee chair James
Kolter.  "We're also considering many other worthy subjects, from the historic birthplace
of Cheryl Ladd to our oft-used highway system.  It's definitely going to be a tough call."
The committee has until late 2005 to decide.


Former Big Celebrity Finds New Career As Pathetic Former Celebrity

HOLLYWOOD, CA— Eighteen years after his fame peaked with "The Karate Kid", former big
celebrity Ralph Macchio has discovered a new, lucrative career in the rapidly growing
field of washed-up celebritydom.  "I just recorded a cameo on "King Of The Hill" where,
after Bobby gets cast in a movie, I explain to him that fame is fleeting," Macchio said
Monday.  "And I taped a "Drew Carey" Show appearance where I woo a girl away from Drew,
and he moans about how he's 'even losing chicks to Ralph Macchio.'" Macchio will also
appear in an upcoming Stanley Tools ad, in which, over an image of his face, the announcer
says, "Some things come and go, but Stanley is forever."


Man Turns Vegetarian For 36 Hours

WAUSAU, WI— Local resident Alvin Wanamaker swore off all meat products for 36 hours, from
Friday morning to late Saturday afternoon.  "I was planning to go vegetarian for life,"
Wanamaker said Monday.  "But then I figured, hey, there's hot dogs in the fridge, and
they'll just go to waste."  Wanamaker made headlines last year for his strict three-day
exercise regimen of 100 sit-ups every morning.


Fashion Industry Pretends To Care About Plus-Size Models

NEW YORK— In a pretend show of support for larger women, the May issue of "Vogue" features
a 16-page spread focusing on plus-size models.  "These plus-size beauties are every bit as
gorgeous as the models you usually see in magazines," said Vogue editor Anna Wintour, who
has never before and will never again publish photos of normal-sized women.  "Female
beauty comes in many shapes and sizes, and this spread is a celebration of that fact."
Vogue's June issue is slated to celebrate female boniness, featuring hundreds of photos of
women weighing no more than 103 pounds.


Opium-Inspired Ad Executive Composes Epic Tums Jingle

CHICAGO— An eight-hour opium binge resulted in a towering work of advertising Sunday, when
DDB Needham copywriter Brian Lisi gave birth to an epic 400-line radio jingle for Tums.
"When Vulcan's fires spout and rage / within a roiling acid sea / let work the soothing
tablet Tums / The Hell-sear'd forge within becomes / sweet alkaloid esprit," the jingle
begins before detouring into iceberg imagery believed to represent Tums' new "Cool Relief"
flavor.  The ad, which begins production in June, is expected to run nearly 90 minutes.
___   ___   ___   ___   ___
© Copyright 2002 Onion, Inc.

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Date:    Wed, 24 Apr 2002 05:17:32 -0700
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Medical advice

A patient was waiting nervously in the examination room
of a famous specialist.

"So who did you see before coming to me?" asked the doctor.

The patient answered, "My local General Practitioner."

"Your GP?" scoffed the doctor. "What a waste of time!
Tell me, what sort of useless advice did he give you?"

"He told me to come and see you."

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Date:    Wed, 24 Apr 2002 07:51:58 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <PBenoit@COOKSONELECTRONICS.COM>
Subject: Guys, Take My Advice... Learn These!!

Excuses When You Wear Your Wife's Underwear:

   10. I must have put them on by mistake in the dark

    9. I didn't have any clean ones left

    8. They make me feel closer to you

    7. I grew up getting my older sister's hand me downs

    6. Boxers don't come in pink

    5. There must have been a crease in the name, I thought
       it said Hanes for Men

    4. It gives me greater empathy for the plight of women

    3. Men's underwear chafes my skin

    2. Sorry, I thought they were your Mom's

    1. Does my butt look big in these?


*****************
Well beat me senseless and call me happy!



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Date:    Wed, 24 Apr 2002 09:16:07 EDT
From:    SteveYoth@AOL.COM
Subject: A Bad American - George Carlin Speaks Out  <rude>

I don't know the origin, but this one's been on multiple email lists.
  - Steve Yothment, Lawrenceville, GA.

  I Am A Bad American
  George Carlin Speaks Out...

  I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin.

  I like big cars, big hooters, and big paychecks.

  I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some midlevel
governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it  away to
crack addicts squirting out babies.

  I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you'd better do it in
English.

  I'm not in touch with my feelings and I like it that way.

  I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two
parents.

  I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson
preaches, where does he get his money & why is he always part of the problem
and not the solution?

  I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than
working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put
your pansy tail through 4-7 years of college, you haven't begun to be
enlightened.

  I believe it's called the Boy Scouts for a reason.

  I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized.

  I don't use the excuse "it's for the children" as a shield for unpopular
opinions or actions.

  I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.

  My heroes are John Wayne, the Simpsons, and whoever canceled Dr. Quinn,
Medicine Woman.

  I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.

  I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time arguing about it.

  I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when
I'm freezing my butt through a long winter?

  I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years in
the desert after getting chased out of Egypt, I haven't burned any witches or
been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so shut up already.

  I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're running
from them. I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you are
breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.

  I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you
deciding who should be running the most powerful nation of the world for the
next four years.

  I think if you are in the passing lane, and not passing, your license
should be revoked, and you should be forced to ride the bus until you promise
to never delay the rest of us again.

  I think Dr. Seuss was a genius.

  If that makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American.

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Date:    Wed, 24 Apr 2002 09:19:17 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: An oldie, but worth repeating

Meditation Tip

Feeling Stressed?
Picture yourself near a stream ...
Birds are chirping softly in the crisp, cool mountain air ...
Nothing can bother you here ...
No one knows this secret place ...
You are in total seclusion from that place called The World ...
The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a
cascade of serenity ...
The water is clear ...
You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're
holding under the water ...

There now ... Feeling better?

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Wed, 24 Apr 2002 09:16:25 -0500
From:    Tom and Carrol <tcr@CHARTER.NET>
Subject: Ouch!

An African leader makes an official trip to Russia.  At the end of
 the trip, the Russian leader tells the African that in Russia they have a
 custom performed at farewells called "Russian Roulette" to
 demonstrate one's courage.

 The Russian whips out a revolver, loads one chamber, gives the
 cylinder a spin, puts the gun to his head and pulls the
 trigger.....CLICK.....empty chamber.

 He hands the revolver to his African guest, and says, "Your turn."
 Not to be outdone, the African repeats the ritual ....  CLICK ....empty.

 The next year, the Russian visits the African country.  At the end of
 the  trip, the African tells his Russian peer that he was very impressed
 with  "Russian Roulette" and that he has spent the last year devising an
 African ritual to demonstrate one's courage.  The African then
 disappears  through a door only to reappear a few minutes later smiling,
 and  says,  "Your turn."

 The African escorts the Russian through the door.  In the room are
 six of  the most beautiful, naked women he has ever seen.  The African
 explains that he is to choose one of the women, who will perform oral sex
 on  him.

 Absolutely dumbfounded, the Russian asks, "What kind of test of
 courage is this?! "

 The African calmly answers, "One of them is a cannibal!!!!

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Date:    Wed, 24 Apr 2002 09:57:53 -0700
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Puns of the Weak 04/19/02 (Part 5)

                        POETRY

 •  The least popular
 Ag workers are grape pickers
 They just wine and wine (Guy Ben-Moshe)•

 •  Gene splicing breakthrough
 Recumbent DNA gives
 A more relaxed fit (Gary Hallock) •

 •  The corner druggist
 Grew crops to brush up on his
 Farm ecology (Guy Ben-Moshe)•

 •  Deer hunters traded
 Venison from their freezers
 A case of Swap Meat (Guy Ben-Moshe)•

 •There once was a girl stalk of wheat.
 By a boy stalk of wheat she did sleep.
        On awakening tis said
        She found herself bread
 And said "My God, I've been reaped!" (BrikBrain)•

 •Early in the day
 Strawberry crew picks the fruit
 Don't show up tarty (Guy Ben-Moshe)•

                        FOR ADULTS ONLY:

 • What's the difference between a pickpocket and a Peeping Tom? A
pickpocket snatches watches. (Richard Lederer)•
 • "If there was a'Bi-Sexual Pride parade, would it go both ways?"
(Jokes Rule)•
 • Why don't you want Monica Lewinsky and Tonto in your car at the same
time? You might wind up with a blown Injun. (Tom Sarge)•
 • What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?  Beat it - we're
closed. (Dim Wit)•
 • What's the difference between a fox chase and Lady Godiva?  A fox
chase is a hunt on a course. (Richard Lederer)•
 • The pretty blonde was being interviewed for a rather high level
executive position in the ad agency. Finally, the interviewer  concluded
with, "I like your style, Ms. J., I think you'll do fine. All we ask is
that you put out." "Err, sir," she started, "Are you referring to *work*
or *sex*?"   "Lil' lady, if it's not one, it better be the other. (Ray Owens)•
 • Where did Prince Charles spend his honeymoon? Indiana (Gary Hallock)•
 • How many Californians does it takes to screw in a light bulb?
Californians don't screw in light bulbs. They screw in hot tubs. (Alan Corwin)•
 • "Do you have a fairy godmother?" "No, but I have an uncle you need to
keep an eye on!" (Jerry Ulett)•
 • Bordello: A toll cookie house (Richard Lederer)•
 • I asked her for a threesome, but she said she wasn't into triple
secs! (George Pope)•
 • They have made an X-rated sequel to the Cinderella story in which the
Prince goes through a prolonged period of impotency and Cinderella
wistfully sighs, "Some day my prince will come."  (Harvey C. Gordon)  •
 • What did Mr. Spock find in the restroom on the Enterprize ?
The Captains log! (The Placebo Page)•
 • Intercourse: A hot pole in a pothole. (Richard Lederer)•
 • If you engage in oral sex first, it's not called a head start.  (Chucklebuns)•
 • An old sailor goes to a brothel, where he chooses his girl and
begins. "How am I doing?" He asks. '"Three knots," she replies. "Three
knots? What's that mean?" "You're not hard, you're not in, and you're
not getting your money back."(Ed Hexter)•
 • A woman can always tell an old man in the dark. It isn't hard .
(Harvey C. Gordon)  •
 • What did one lesbian vampire say to the other? "See you next month"
(LAB Laughs)•
 • What's the speed limit of sex?  68, because at 69 you have to turn
around. (LAB)•
 • Marsha completed four weeks of dental restoration with Dr. Morris
Cohen the dentist. She confided to her best friend that she had fallen
in love with her dentist and she was going to propose to him. Her friend
said,  “Marsha you're 34 years old, you're beautiful, you have dozens of
men who adore you. Why this dentist?" "Because he is the First man that
ever said to me, ‘SPIT, don't SWALLOW.’" (Twisted Humor)•
 • Did you hear about the circumsizer who missed? He got the sack.
(Thieving Joker)•
 • A bank examiner will pay special attention to a bank where many loans
and unmarried female employees are overdue.  (Harvey C. Gordon)  •
 • Call Girls: The lays of our dives. (Richard Lederer)•
 • Why did God create man?  Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn. (LOL)•
 • A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He sips it and sets it down
a monkey swings across the bar and pisses in the pint. The man asks the
barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies the piano player. The man
walks over to the piana player and says "Do you know your monkey pissed
in my beer." The pianist replies "No, but if you hum it I'll play it." (LAB)•
 • What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive? Popeye almost
killed him! (Mike Spence)•
 • My vet asked me for a sample of the toadstool that sickened my dog.
If anyone out there can tell me where a toad usually defecates, please
email me. (Scot Nelson)•
 • A number of magicians will hire former prostitutes as assistants.
They already know how to do tricks. (Harvey C. Gordon)  •
 • Alimony: Bounty on the mutiny (Richard Lederer)•
 • What do a tomcat on the prowl and a desperate poker player have in
common? They both put everything they have into the kitty. (Colorado Kid)

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Date:    Wed, 24 Apr 2002 21:52:56 +0200
From:    Th. Legters <tlegters@XS4ALL.NL>
Subject: Under control <adult>

Says a teenage girl to her doctor: 'You prescribed me  birthcontrol
pills.'
'And how is it going?'
'I think it's ok, but I'd like to have them bigger.'
The doctor was suprised. 'You mean stronger?'
'No, bigger, please'
'But why BIGGER?'
'Because they keep falling out'.

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Date:    Wed, 24 Apr 2002 18:30:31 -0700
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Man's best friend

   Sailors from two long line fishing vessels were unable to catch a dog stranded on a crippled refueling tanker, said the Hawaiian Humane Society, which spent $50,000 to rescue the animal.
   Forgea, a 2-year-old mixed breed terrier left behind when the crew of the Insiko 1907 was rescued April 2 by a cruise ship, appears frightened but healthy, said Pamela Burns, president of the Hawaiian Humane Society.
   The Insiko, which caught fire March 13, continues drift westward about 700 miles (1,100 km) southwest of Hawaii.  The fishing vessels arrived Sunday for what was expected to be a simple retrieval.
  "As you might imagine, Forgea is exceedingly fearful and attempts to rescue her have scared her even more," Burns said. "She has so far, eluded her rescuers."  Part of the problem was a language barrier.
   Forgea is used to hearing commands in Mandarin Chinese and the would-be rescuers only speak English, said Rusty Nall, vice president of American Marine Services, the company that coordinated the search for the lucky dog.
   So, armed with one of Forgea's favorite foods -- peanut butter -- and the Mandarin word for "come," the sailors tried all Monday to catch the dog.  "The dog keeps going below decks and the crewmen don't want to go down there because of the damage from the fire," Nall said. "It's pretty dangerous."
   Burns said humane society officials were not in a rush and that there was plenty of food and water aboard the Insiko. The animal group spent $50,000 on the search, which has captured the attention of people around the world who have donated about $40,000 to the organization.

+Source: Reuters, April 23, 2002+



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Date:    Wed, 24 Apr 2002 19:23:46 -0700
From:    Sue Birkenseer <Sue@PREMEDIASYSTEMS.COM>
Subject: Texas Trooper (offensive to Texans)

Two men are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a
State Trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his
nightstick.The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks
him in the head with the stick. The driver asks, "What the hell was
that for?" The cop answers, "You're in Texas son. When we pull you
over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."
The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here."  The
cop runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the
guy his license back, walks around to the passenger side, and taps on
the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop
smacks him on the head with the nightstick. The passenger asks,
"What'd you do that for?" The cop says, "Just making your wish come
true." The passenger asks, "Making what wish come true?" The cop
says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say to your
buddy, "I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me!"
--

--
Susan Birkenseer
Sue@PremediaSystems.com

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