Digest for Tuesday, April 23, 2002

There are 11 messages totalling 454 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. A 710 Cap....
  2. For all of the ladies who are subscribers
  3. pinG......... DONg
  4. "Use your own toothbrush, Little Maury!", The Old Perfesser bristled.
  5. Please Log On
  6. Things the Movies Taught You
  7. Great expectations
  8. WE ALL GROW UP DAY
  9. Brush Up Your Shakespeare
  10. Televangelism at its finest
  11. Homebound


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Date:    Tue, 23 Apr 2002 07:40:37 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: A 710 Cap....

The other day I was in the local auto part store. A lady comes in and asks
for a seven ten cap. We all look at each other and ask, "What's a seven
ten cap?" She says, "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost
somehow and I need a new one."  What kind of a car is it?" they ask. Now
I'm thinking maybe an old Datsun Seven Ten, but no, she says that it's a
Buick. "Okay, Lady, how big is it?" She makes a circle with her hands
about 3 1/2 inches in diameter. "What does it do?" we ask. She says, "I
don't know, but it's always been there."

One of us gives her a note pad and asks her if she can draw a  picture of
it. So she makes a circle about 3 1/2 inches in diameter and in the
centre she writes 710. The guys behind the counter are looking at it
upside down as  she writes it....and they just fall down behind the
counter laughing so hard in hysterics.  One guy says, "I think you want an
oil cap." She says, "Seven Ten cap, oil cap, I don't care what you call
it. I just need one and I don't see what's so funny about it." Yes, she
was a blonde.

(If you read "710" upside down it spells "OIL")

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Date:    Tue, 23 Apr 2002 07:35:12 -0700
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: For all of the ladies who are subscribers

   It is good to be a woman:

 1. We got off the Titanic first.
 2. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynecological disorder
    excuses.
 3. Taxis stop for us.
 4. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
 5. No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival the Speedo.
 6. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
 7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
 8. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear end.
 9. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are
    still there.
10. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
11. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
12. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look
    like an idiot.
13. We will never regret piercing our ears.
14. There are times when chocolate really can solve all our problems.
15. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because
    they aren't listening anyway.

    Send this to all the bright women you know and make their day!!!!!

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Date:    Tue, 23 Apr 2002 07:32:48 -0500
From:    RANEBOUX <raneboux@BELLSOUTH.NET>
Subject: pinG......... DONg

Video games considered harmful?

 "It is ridiculous claiming that video games influence
 children. For instance, if Pac-man affected kids who
 were born in the eighties, we should by now have a
 bunch of teenagers who run around in darkened rooms
 and eat pills while listening to monotonous electronic
 music."



 Oh.... they do..... darn...


__________________________________
RANEBOUX
        eternal
  ___====___====___
_________-----_________
          since 1903
 We support monkey business
             &
       BeeJum  Leakage Concerts

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Date:    Tue, 23 Apr 2002 09:09:54 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <PBenoit@COOKSONELECTRONICS.COM>
Subject: "Use your own toothbrush, Little Maury!", The Old Perfesser bristled.

Little Maury was really pestering his Uncle Perfesser on the
weekend to take him to the zoo.
"No," said Uncle Perfesser, "if they want you, they can come
and get you."

       -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

The teacher was standing outside her room as the children
entered one morning. Along came little Maury, deliberately
winking his left eye.
"Why, little Maury," smiled the teacher. "Are you winking
at me?"
"No ma'am, just got my turn signal on," little Maury replied,
making a neat left turn into his room.

       -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

Little Maury was telling Auntie MrsPerfesser, "Everyone in the
Biology class voted against dissecting the frog - but we almost
had enough votes to dissect the teacher."

       -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

Early one morning, the old perfesser went to let the dog out for
his morning doody. He opened up the back door, stepped onto the
deck, and bashed his toe on one of little Maury's honkin' big toy
trucks. He let out a big "YEEOWWWWWWWWCH!!", but managed to get
his mouth under control before the expletives started flying.

Little Maury came running to see what'd happened, and ran over to
make sure his truck was okay. The old perfesser started in on poor
little Maury about leaving his toys all over the place.

"Looka this toe, just look at it, Maury!" moaned the old perfesser.
"I ain't gonna walk right for a week!"

"Sheesh, Uncle Perfesser," said little Maury, "I'm just glad you only
kicked the Toe Truck*... I'd 'a hated to see what'd happen if you'd
'a kicked the Dump Truck!"

          *  (tm, dammit, TM!)

       -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

"I'd like you to be very quiet today, boys and girls. I've got
a dreadful headache," instructed Mrs. McCranie to the class.
"Excuse me," said little Maury, "why don't you do what Auntie
MrsPerfesser does when she has a headache?"
"What's that?" Mrs. McCranie asked.
"She sends me out to play."

       -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

"Auntie, my turtle is dead," little Maury sorrowfully told
MrsPerfesser, holding the turtle out to her in his hand.

Aunty MrsPerfesser kissed him on the head, then said, "That's
all right. We'll wrap him in tissue paper, put him in a little
box, then have a nice burial ceremony in the back yard. After
that, we'll go out for an ice cream soda, and then get you a
new pet. I don't want you...."

Her voice trailed off as she noticed the turtle move. "Little
Maury, look... your turtle isn't dead after all!"

"Oh," said the disappointed boy, now looking forward to ice cream
and a new pet. "Can I kill it?"

       -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

In Social Studies class, little Maury's teacher was talking
about people's last names, and about how in the old days their
last name used to be their occupation. She gave examples like
Baker, which meant they were a baker for a living, Miller meant
that person worked in a mill, and so on.

Then little Maury raised his hand, and the teacher said, "Do you
have an example for the class?"

Little Maury said, "Not really ma'am... more of a question."

"Okay, what's your question?" the teacher asked.

"Well," said little Maury, "what did John Hancock do for a living?"


****************
"I think Uncle Perfesser is some kind of civil serpent."
               - Little Maury



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Date:    Tue, 23 Apr 2002 10:03:55 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Please Log On

I do system support in a law firm. The other day I had to log a
user off and then back on. I entered her initials and then she
just gave me her password.

Her password was "genius".

After three tries and the system telling me "access denied," I
asked her how to spell it.

She said, "G - E - N - I - O - U - S."

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Tue, 23 Apr 2002 14:40:00 +0000
From:    Randall Woodman <rwoodman@ATTBI.COM>
Subject: Things the Movies Taught You

26 Things the Movies Taught You...

1) Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people--whether they are employed or not.

2) At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

3) Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

4) Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

5) It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

6) When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

7) If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.

8) Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

9) Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

10) All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach the armpit level on a woman, but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

11) All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

12) It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

13) Once applied, lipstick will never rub off--even while scuba diving.

14) You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

15) Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do.

16) The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

17) A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

18) If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

19) If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

20) Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: “Enter Password Now.”

21) Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

22) All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

23) A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

24) If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.

25) Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

26) When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=} Randall {=-  A couple went to see mystery and horror movies. They loved each shudder

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Date:    Tue, 23 Apr 2002 18:51:35 +0200
From:    Th. Legters <tlegters@XS4ALL.NL>
Subject: Great expectations <off. To blondes>

After the examination the doctor said, 'I'm afraid it's true: you're
pregnant'.
The attractive blond burst into tears, 'but are you really sure it's
mine?'

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Date:    Tue, 23 Apr 2002 12:24:44 -0700
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: WE ALL GROW UP DAY

On the birthday of Shirley Temple Black, the famous child actress of the
1930's, remember that we all grow old. Shirley was born on April 23, 1928,
at Santa Monica, California.

BE A KID AGAIN
- Dot all your "i"s with smiley faces.

- Sing into your hairbrush.

- Grow a milk mustache.

- Read the funnies; throw the rest of the paper away.

- Dunk your cookies.

- Step carefully over sidewalk cracks.

- Try to get someone to trade you a better sandwich.

- Give someone a hug around the neck.

- Blow the wrapper off a straw.

- Refuse to eat crusts.

- Make a face the next time somebody tells you, "No."

- Ask, "Why?" a lot.

- Have someone read you a story.

- Wear your favorite shirt with your favorite pants even if they don't
match.

- Eat dessert first.

- Say, "duh" when stuff is obvious.

- Put an orange slice in your mouth, peel side out, and smile at people.

- Innocently say your prayers.

- Ride a roller coaster two times in a row.

- Run through the sprinkler with all your clothes on.

- Lick all the cream out of an Oreo before you eat the cookie part.

- Eat just the chocolate stripe out of your Neapolitan ice cream.

- Start thinking now about what you want for your next birthday.

- Lie on your back in a field and look at pictures in the clouds.

Sandy (AKA MsSam)
http://chucklesofchoice.com

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Date:    Tue, 23 Apr 2002 17:05:09 -0400
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Brush Up Your Shakespeare

Courtesy of Jeffrey Kacirk's "Forgotten English" calendar our word
for the day is 'placket'.  It was an Elizabethian term used for a female
undergarment
"petticoat, under-petticoat."  Mr. Kacirk's sources indicate that it was
sometimes used to identify a female as we might now (at out peril) call a
female a skirt.

Today is the "probable" Birthday and Death Day of William Shakespeare
(1564-1616).
Shakespeare gained fame for fronting the plays of the Earl of Oxford, but
recent scholarship tells us the plays that bear Shakespeare's name were
actually written by Tom Stoppard.

"Keep thy foot out of brothels, thy hand out of plackets."  KING LEAR

Going to the theater in Elizabethian times wasn't like taking in a show
these days.  Those Elizabethians put the bald in ribald!

Kacirk relates the tale of a woman who was vicitimized at a play by a
pickpocket.
Her husband, who had been off getting them refreshments, berated her thusly,
"Didn't you feel the thief's hand inside your placket?"
She snapped back, "Well, how should I know that's what he was after!"

Exeunt stage right


--
Jim Mica  JMICA@ITHACA.EDU      (c)MMII
What is true is what I can't help believing.
        Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.

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Date:    Tue, 23 Apr 2002 18:04:40 -0500
From:    Tom and Carrol <tcr@CHARTER.NET>
Subject: Televangelism at its finest

Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on TV. The
evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their TV
set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part
where they wanted to be healed.

Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the TV, placed her right hand
on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was
causing her to have great pain.

Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the
set and his left hand on his crotch.

Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it.
The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead."

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Date:    Tue, 23 Apr 2002 18:29:45 -0700
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Homebound

+Got this from my friend Ana E. Muss+

   While I was dining out with my children, a man came over to our table and we started talking.  He asked where my kids go to school.  I told him we home-school them.  With a raised eyebrow he asked if my husband is the sole breadwinner for our family.
   I said no, I also work--out of our home.
   Then, noticing our two-month-old son, he mentioned that his daughter had just had a baby, and he wondered what hospital our son was born in.  "He was born at home," I answered.
   The man looked at me, then said, "Wow, you don't get out much, do you?"



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