Digest for Monday, April 22, 2002

There are 11 messages totalling 586 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Bin Laden Dead, Say Fashion Elite
  2. Using the "F" word [Adultish?]
  3. Reading Women.....
  4. Its Medicinal
  5. Man and Woman
  6. Lincoln
  7. Taurus, the Bull (Apr 21 - May 20)
  8. Sing to me
  9. Great marriage
  10. Oscars Wildest Moments
  11. Puns of the Weak 04/19/02 (Part 4)


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Date:    Mon, 22 Apr 2002 02:02:37 -0400
From:    Rollo Tomasi <rollotomasi@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Bin Laden Dead, Say Fashion Elite

PARIS -- Terrorist mastermind Osama bin Laden is dead, say many of the worlds fashion
aristocracy.  "He has been put completely out of the picture," said Vogue fashion editor
Claudia Gains, sporting a gold and cream brocade trouser suit by Favourbrook.  "I wouldn't
be caught dead with him next season."

The man hasn't been spotted in weeks from Paris to Milan, a de facto "death sentence" from
the most famous designers in the fashion world.

"He is dead," said Italian designer Rodalpho Maerti, whose white tuxedo-style skirt suit
stole the show at last year's fashion week extranvaganza.  "He is gone.  It was only a
matter of time before his number was called.  Until he becomes 'retro cool' in
approximately 15-20 years."
__
Copyright © 2002 The Daily Sedative

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Date:    Mon, 22 Apr 2002 05:50:09 -0700
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Using the "F" word [Adultish?]

       Ten times when using the "F" word was probably acceptable:

   10. "What the @#$% was that?" -Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

    9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?" -Custer, 1877

    8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that." -Einstein, 1938

    7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" -Picasso,  1926

    6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?" -Pythagoras, 126 BC

    5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?" -Michelangelo, 1566

    4. "Where the @#$% are we?" -Amelia Earhart, 1937

    3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers....My ass!" -Noah, 4314 BC

    2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?" -- Bill Clinton,
        1999
    1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad."  - Osama bin
       Laden, November 2001

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Date:    Mon, 22 Apr 2002 07:24:36 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Reading Women.....

A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The
husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One
morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to
take a short nap. Although she isn't familiar with the lake, the wife
decides to take the boat. She motors out a short distance, anchors and
continues to read her book. Along comes the game warden in his boat He
pulls up alongside her and says, "Good morning Ma'am What are you doing?"
"Reading my book," she replies, thinking "isn't that obvious?"
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"But officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write
 you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you do have all the equipment."

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

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Date:    Mon, 22 Apr 2002 08:22:12 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <PBenoit@COOKSONELECTRONICS.COM>
Subject: It's Medicinal  <adult>

The faster you run before slamming into the wall, the more fun
you'll have on the way and the better looking the nurse will be
when you wake up.

       -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

There are several kinds of doctors, and it is told that they
can be differentiated by the following method:

  - General practitioners know nothing and do little.
  - Surgeons know little and do everything.
  - Internists knows everything and do nothing.
  - Pathologists know everything and can do everything,
    but it's usually too late.
  - Then there's psychiatrists, who cure dreams...or dream cures.

       -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

Just as a young man was about to get a chest XRay, the equipment
slipped and his pelvic region was XRay'd instead.
"Oh, no! cried the lab technician." Your reproductive organs just
received a dose of radiation!"
"What does that mean?" asked the worried young man.
"It's serious," replied the technician. "All your children will
be lawyers!"

       -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

"Doctor, don't cut so deep," said the nurse. "That's the third
operating table you've ruined this month!"

       -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

In "Pissing in the Snow: Ozark Mountain Folktales", Vance Randolph
tells of a wizened old country doctor who could treat anything.
Well it seems one time, one of the mountain folk came into his office
with three complaints.
"Doc," he said, "I can't taste nothin', I can't tell the truth, and
I can't remember nothin' besides."
Well the old Doc thought about this for a minute and went back into
the apothecary, and made of two capsules full with cow hooey, and gave
them both to the man, and telling him to take one immediately, chewing
well.
Well, the man did as he was told, bit down and started chawing, then
yelled out, "Yeachhhh... This stuff tastes like shee-it."
"Uh huh," the doctor said, "Well I see that you can taste, and you're
certainly telling the truth now. And the next time that your memory is
acting up, just take the other pill."
And the old Doc charged the man fifteen bucks and sent him on his way,
and never did hear no trouble from him much after that.

       -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

An anesthesiologist is a doctor who works in the operating room
to delay your pain until such time as you get his bill.

       -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

A guy walks into a doctor's office with a lettuce leaf sticking out
of his ass.
Doctor says, "Hmmmm, that's strange."
The guy replies, "That's just the tip of the iceberg."

       -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

Q: What is the proper medical term for the circumcision of a rabbit?
A: A Hare Cut.

       -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

There was a businessman, and he was not feeling well, so he went to see
the doctor about it. The doctor says to him, "Well, it must be your diet.
What sort of greens do you eat?"
The man replies, "Well, actually, I only eat peas, I hate all other green
foods."
The doctor was quite shocked at this and says, "Well man, that's your
problem, all those peas will be clogging up your system, you'll have to
give them up!!"
The guy says, "But for how long? I mean I really like peas!"
The doctor replies, "Forever, I'm afraid."
The man is quite shocked by this, but he gives it a go and sure enough,
his condition improves, so he realizes that he will never eat a pea
again. Anyway, one night, years later, he's at a convention for his
employer and getting quite sloshed, and one of the reps says, "Well,
ashully, I'd love a cigarette, coz I avint ad a smoke in four years,
I gave it up."
Quite a shocker really, and the barman goes, "Really, I haven't had a
game of golf in 3 years, because it cost me my first marriage, so I
gave it up!"
The businessman says, "Thas nuvving, I haven't ad a pea in 6 years."
The barman jumps up screaming, "Okay, everyone who can't swim, grab
a table..."


*******************
Death: What some patients do, in the end, to humiliate the doctor.



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Date:    Mon, 22 Apr 2002 09:26:25 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Man and Woman

Man: Haven't we met before?
Woman:  Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic.

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman:  Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman:  Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

Man: So, wanna go back to my place ?
Woman:  Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman:  Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.

Man: So what do you do for a living?
Woman:I'm a female impersonator.

Man: What sign were you born under?
Woman:  No Parking.

Man: Hey, baby, what's your sign?
Woman:  Do not Enter"

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman:  Unfertilized !

Man: Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same
         reason"
Woman:  Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!

Man: I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy.
Woman:  You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?

Man: I know how to please a woman.
Woman:  Then please leave me alone.

Man: I want to give myself to you.
Woman:  Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

Man: I can tell that you want me.
Woman:  Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave.

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy"
Woman:  Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Man: Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?
Woman:  Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman:  Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I'd go through anything for you.
Woman:  Good! Let's start with your bank account.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman:  Yes, but would you stay there?

Man: I'd like to call you. What's your number?
Woman:  It's in the phone book.
Man: But I don't know your name.
Woman:  That's in the phone book too.

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Mon, 22 Apr 2002 13:58:20 +0000
From:    Randall Woodman <rwoodman@ATTBI.COM>
Subject: Lincoln

A father noticed that his son was spending way too much time playing computer
games.

In an effort to motivate the boy into focusing more attention on his schoolwork,
the father said to his son, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books
by the light of the fireplace."

The son replied, "Dad, when Lincoln was your age, he was The President of The
United States!!!"

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=} Randall {=-  Lincoln is alive and living at Disneyland.

Need a Tagline?  Visit http://www.taglinesgalore.com/

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Date:    Mon, 22 Apr 2002 07:49:35 -0700
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: Taurus, the Bull  (Apr 21 - May 20)

THE HUMOR LIST ZODIAC (Which one are you?)
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Ruled by Mars; Symbol - The Ram
Aries is the first sign among the twelve in the Zodiac. People under Aries
have strong desire to win. They charge ahead just like their symbol, the
ram; and like their ruling planet, they are very confrontational.

Contributions by Aries are marked by their haste, full of typos and
misspelled words.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Ruled by Venus; Symbol - The Bull
People under Taurus have a one way thinking style -- stubborn. As if that
weren't bad enough, their constellation includes the Crab Nebula, a cloud of
gas. They're quite materialistic, love to brag and refuse to admit any
error.

Material submitted to humor lists by Taurus people are not to be believed
under any circumstances.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Gemini (May 21 - June 21) Ruled by Mercury; Symbol - The Twins
A person who was born under Gemini is a genius in social ability. Their
minds are always in rapid speed mode. So named for Castor & Pollux (heroes
in Greek mythology) they're the sons of Leda & Zeus. A Gemini will excel at
any task, under any conditions.

Any Gemini is the shining star of contributors.  These multi-talented people
are the undisputed masters of communication.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Cancer (June 22 - July 22) Ruled by the Moon; Symbol - The Crab
People under the influence of Cancer are very very nervous, grumpy and quite
moody.  They have an inbred desire to control others any way they can.
Cancer people like to spread humor and grumble about others; like a crab,
they charge and/or retreat without warning.

Don't expect these grouches to contribute positive. They love to to check
other posts for errors and flame everyone involved.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Leo (July 23 - Sept 22) Ruled by the Sun; Symbol - The Lion
The head of he constellation Leo is outlined by stars shaped like a sickle.
Thus, most latent communists.  Leos are full of self-confidence like the
lion. They consider themselves to be Kings and/or Queens and expect to be
treated as such.

Leos will submit jokes cleverly designed to invoke unrest among the readers
in an attempt to form a coup and overthrow ListOwners.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22) Ruled by Mercury; Symbol - The Virgin
The most distinguishing feature of a Virgo is that they much more sensitive
than any other sign. They deny the importance of love and sex in their daily
lives and in all humor as well. Some females born under Virgo suffer from a
severe "Pollyanna" complex.

A Virgo will only contribute the most demure of jokes and complain
constantly about any humor they see as off-color, rude or crude.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 23) Ruled by Venus; Symbol - The Scales
The only sign of the Zodiac that doesn't represent a living thing. Libra's
is a balance scale. Hence their behavior. They view everything in terms of
pros or cons. They are great believers in lists and love large menus.

Libras submit jokes where the set-up is equal to the punch line; most Libras
therefore can't stand puns or one-liners.
 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Scorpio (Oct 24 - Nov 21) Ruled by Pluto; Symbol - The Scorpion
Their constellation contains the star Antmes, which shines with a fiery-red
light (the source of their poison). They never give up in doing anything. A
Scorpio is very patient and will lie in wait for their prey a very long
time.

A Scorpio person will send-in lots of jokes where something dies. They love
dark or evil humor, the bloodier, the better.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21) Ruled by Jupiter; Symbol - The Archer
People under Sagittarius, the Archers, love what is honest and frank. They
are very open, and will express anything in their minds freely and
explicitly. In idle conversation, never ask a Sagittarius what they think
about anything -- they'll tell you !

Sagittarius people contribute the most explicit sexual jokes on a humor
list. They know and use all of the four letter words.

(THANKS TO: Jim Moore Jr)

Sandy (AKA MsSam)
http://chucklesofchoice.com

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Date:    Mon, 22 Apr 2002 23:17:00 +0200
From:    Th. Legters <tlegters@XS4ALL.NL>
Subject: Sing to me <explicit>

Children love this one:

Little Johnny stayed with his grandparents and these old people were
sometimes shocked by the language he used.
One day when Johnny was brought to bed by grandma, he said 'I have to
pee first'. 'Now we don't want words like that, won't we! Mind your
tongue!'
'But how do you know I have to pee if I can't tell you?'
'Well,'granny said, 'Instead say: I have to sing'.
'Alright', Johnny said.
In the middle of the night Johnny woke up with an urge. He went to his
grandprents' bedroom, walked to his granddad'sbedside and whispered:
'Granpa, I have to sing!'
'What! Now?? At this time of night??'
'Yes', Johnny said.
'Ok then, do it softly in my ear'.


Vriendelijke groet
Theo Legters
www.xs4all.nl/~tlegters
<<OMNIS PERMITTUNT SO LONG HILAERE EST>>

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Date:    Mon, 22 Apr 2002 18:10:47 -0700
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Great marriage

A great marriage is not when the "perfect couple" comes together.
It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences.

+Source: Dave Meurer in "Daze of Our Wives"



Is your boss reading your email? ....Probably
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Date:    Tue, 23 Apr 2002 00:46:19 -0400
From:    The Punk with the Stutter <thepunkwiththestutter@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: Oscar's Wildest Moments

--  Upon receiving the Best Supporting Actor Award for "City Slickers" in 1992,
73-year-old Jack Palance demonstrated his virility by doing one-handed pushups.  Palance
then launched into a handspring and caught presenter Whoopi Goldberg off-guard with a
roundhouse kick, sending her sprawling.  Palance locked on the spinning toe hold, forcing
Whoopi to submit.  With the victory, Palance was also awarded Whoopi's Best Supporting
Actress Oscar for "Ghost."

--  Tom Hanks won a best actor award for playing a gay man with AIDS in 1993's
"Philadelphia."  In thanking his high school drama teacher, Hanks unwittingly "outed" his
mentor, Charles Nelson Reilly.

--  Marlon Brando won the Best Actor Oscar for 1972 ("The Godfather"), but in order to
protest Hollywood's treatment of the American Indian, he sent Iron Eyes Cody to the edge
of the stage, a single tear rolling down his cheek.  The Oscar itself, feeling
tremendously rejected, went crying to its room and hid in the closet, where it stayed
until 1993, when it was outed by Tom Hanks.
___   ___   ___   ___   ___   ___
By Brian Dermody
Copyright 2002 Modern Humorist, Inc.



_________________________________________________________
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Date:    Mon, 22 Apr 2002 22:48:27 -0700
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Puns of the Weak 04/19/02 (Part 4)

                        TOM SWIFTIES:

 • "She's already married," said Tom mistakenly. (Gill Krebs)•
 • "I eat Jelly Beans all day long," Tom admitted precariously. (Stan Kegel)•
 • "I can't remember all the items Mrs Tom wanted me to pick up," said
Tom listlessly (Paul Benoit).•
 • "Those slacks were getting worn out, so I threw them away," said
Tom's wife expansively (Gill Krebs).•
 • "I'll stand still until you take my picture," Cindy Crawford
proposed. (Stan Kegel)•
 • "The Viagra isn't working," moaned Tom limply. (Paul Benoit)•
 • "How about a quick one before the Indy 500?" Tom prezoomed to ask.
(Gill Krebs)•
 • "The insect had laid its eggs in the cheese," Tom said briefly. (Stan Kegel)•
 • "I hate Italian bread," Tom said crustily. (Paul Benoit)•
 • "$400.  Do I hear $500?" asked the auctioneer morbidly..(Gill Krebs)•
 • "This butter is  too hard," griped Tom, churning in his chair.  (Paul Benoit)•
 • "I'm going to have another one of those stress headaches," Tom said
pretentiously. (Stan Kegel)•
 • "This dish must shine very brightly," said the silversmith in Polish.
 (Matt Gutting)  •
 • "There, now, we've got a roaring fire," said Tom hotly. (Paul Benoit)•

                        LONGER PUNS:

 • The boss of counterfeiting gang was encouraging his men. The
forger-head was telling them to forge ahead. So they became sculptors
and started doing counterfeit busts. They thought he said, "forge a
head." Anyway, when the police arrived they captured the lot of them
easily by throwing a very old biblical cloak over them. They struggled a
bit but soon realised there was Noah's cape! (Johann von Haupkopf)•
 • Bob brought his son to work one day and the boy watched him type his
computer password. The lad was so quick that he was able to read it just
from watching the keys: MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto. "Wow, Dad!" the boy
exclaimed. "Why is your password so long?" "They told me," he replied,
"that it needs at least four characters." (Garrry)•
 • A couple years ago I went to a bar with some friends. Above the bar I
noticed a sign that read: "For Sale. 1985 Henway. Excellent Condition.
Make Offer." So I asked the bartender, "What's a henway?" He said, "Oh,
about three to four pounds." (Bree Schultz)•
 • The wise Zen Master is visiting New York one day from Tibet. He goes
up to a local hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."
The hot dog vendor fixes him a delicious hot dog and hands it to the Zen
Master, who proceeds to pay with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in
the cash box and closes it. "Where's my change?" asks the Zen Master.
The vendor responds, "Change must come from within." (Lorraine Harper)•
 • A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the jar.
During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year
olddaughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the
childsaid to her mother. Then she added., "Mommy can't come to thephone
to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle." (Ron Klar & Debbie Kegel)•
 • One Friday everyone in our office was in high spirits, and Marshall,
a sales rep, was making the rounds, joking and teasing us all. When he
stopped in front of a new employee's desk, she braced herself. "I'd
hoped I might be spared," she said. "Oh, you can't escape Marshall," our
boss cautioned her. "He's an equal opportunity annoyer." (Tim Davis)•
 • Mary and her husband were chatting with a friend when the talk turned
to women's fashions and how much they have changed. "I always wore
stockings when I was single," Mary commented. "I wouldn't have dreamed
of wearing socks. Now I wear them all the time." Mary's husband nodded.
"That's right," he said. "She didn't believe in socks before
marriage."(Beckie Shiles)•
 • A lady and her son were visiting the zoo one fine Sunday morning.
"Mom," inquired the son, "what's the peculiar object on the ground
underneath that funny looking animal?" She looked intently, then assured
him, "There's nothing, son, under the gnu." (Gill Krebs)•
 • It took a lot of hierarchy to think and decide that when the new
present Pope was named, it would be an Italian known as Cardinal Sicola.
He wasn't chosen. 'Why do you suppose they passsed him up?' 'I'm
guessing that they didn't want someone named Pope Sicola.' (Syman Hirsch)•
 • A fisherman carelessly dropped his wallet into the water and was
amazed to see a school of carp deftly balancing the wallet on their
noses and tossing it from one fish to the other. "Gosh," exclaimed the
fisherman, "That's the first time I've ever seen:  "Carp to carp
walleting.” (Stan Kegel)•
 • Johann Sebastian Bach and Virginia Wolfe were cavorting in Heaven.
Virginia slipped and fell and said, “Carry me Bach." "Too old,
Virginny," he replied  (Gilbert Krebs)•
 • Even though Sigmund Freud was terribly addicted to cocaine he
actually died  when one day after taking a bath and getting out of the
tub he slipped and fractured his skull killing him instantly. Might this
be another. Freudian slip? (Archives)•
 • Undertakers Mal and Mel were storing embalming fluid. It was
considered appropriate to. place it in an area out of sight. Mel had his
share stored promptly but there as still a good .portion left for Mal to
take care of. When asked why he had not just stored it all , Mel said,
"The rest is for Mal to hide.” (Richard NcGarvey) •
 • This company had a real superior product in its butter substitute,
but the company went under one time when it received an order for a
million pounds of the stuff. Some of the employees made mistakes in
preparing the product and much of it was wasted. They were not able to
deliver in time The company had not allowed enough margarine for error (Archives)•
 • The dragon guarding a castle woke one morning when a knight and his
horse fell from the drawbridge. The dragon immediately devoured both.
The dragon grinned and remarked, "I like moat meal to start my day." (P.
C. Swanson)•

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