Digest for Sunday, April 21, 2002

There are 10 messages totalling 496 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Puns of the Weak 04/19/02 (Part 2)
  2. Was she a blonde?
  3. New Study Reveals Amazing Info
  4. Defining Bra Sizes (Adult)
  5. Not for a quarter I wont
  6. Definitions by Mom
  7. Say what?
  8. Just in time
  9. Puns of the Weak 04/19/02 (Part 3)
  10. Remarks by the President


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Date:    Sat, 20 Apr 2002 23:30:21 -0700
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Puns of the Weak 04/19/02 (Part 2)

                                                OTHER RIDDLES:

 • Why did the bee wear a skullcap? So people would know he was not a
wasp.  (Lederer & Ertner) •
 • Who is the most famous Irish inventor? Pat Pending  (Douglas Helsel)  •
 • What would you name your sons if you had triplets?  Peter, Repeater
and  FU-MANCHU Why Fu-manchu? Because every third child born is a
Chinese. (Arjun)•
 • Why are there so few Jewish Mothers who are alcoholics? Because
alcohol dulls the pain. (Gag-O-Matic)•
 • Why are birds grouchy in the morning? Because their bills are over
dew.  (Lederer & Ertner)•
 • Why do some fisherman use helicopters to catch their bait? Because
the whirleybird catches the worm. (Lederer & Ertner) •
 • What do you call the winner of a snake beauty contest that is a
perfect ten. A Boa Derik (Lederer & Ertner) •
 • What does the buffalo on a nickel stand for? Because their is no room
for him to sit down (Lederer & Ertner) •

                                                DAILIES:

 • On organic farms they till it like it is  (Pun of the Day)•
 • Applying mascara in a car can cause whipped lashes (Pun of the Day)•
 • The artist got the short straw because he didn’t draw well. (Jumble)•
 • After a long day of heavy shopping, she felt spent. (Jumble)•
 • Marriage is like taking a hot bath.  After you've been in it for a
while it isn't so hot.  (Very Punny)•
 • Neutrons have mass?  I didn't know they were Catholic. (E4Fun)•
 • What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.
(The Daily Groaner)•
 • A small pirate ship is called a thug-boat  (Pun of the Day)•
 • Your nose is in the scenter of your face (Pun of the Day)•
 • People need to cut their fingernails before they get too out of hand
(Pun of the Day)•
 • I did not want to spill jelly on my mattress. It was too hot to sleep
with a bed spread. (The Big Pun)•
 • A small shrub clinging to the walls of the Grand Canyon is a Gorge
Bush.  (Pun of the Day)•
 • Leftover spaghetti is pasta its prime (Pun of the Day)•
 • The bartender put the hot tip on ice. (Jumble)•
 • The birthday cake, which was made in the shape of an apartment, was a
bit too suite for me. (The Big Pun)•
 • A dentist and manicurist fought tooth and nail (Pun of the Day)•
 • Dentists practice by going through many drills (Pun of the Day)•
 • The junkyard crusher turned the limousine into a compact car.  (Jumble)•
 • Where am I going to store these stolen checks, you ask? Well, I had
originally planned to cache them. (The Big Pun)•
 • What do you get when a gang of robbers jump into a pool? A crime
wave! (The Daily Groaner)•
 • A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.  (The Daily Groaner)•
 • A carpenter sat on his drill and was bored to tears. (Pun of the Day)•
 • To get a wig, bald men have toupee a lot of money (Pun of the Day)•
 • When a musician's toupee fell into his saxophone he blew his top (Pun
of the Day)•
 • When his grades slipped, the student needed a “Major” change.  (Jumble)•
 • Nostalgia is like a grammar lesson:  You find the present tense and
the past perfect. (Myke Ashley-Cooper/ Very Punny)•
 • Why did the germ cross the microscope? To get to the other slide.
(The Daily Goiner•
 • What did one magnet say to the other? I find you very attractive.
(The Daily Groaner)•

                        FOR THE CHILDREN:

 • Does  your uncle suffer from insanity? No, he enjoys every minute of
it. (Danny Perry)•
 • Why did the player bring a ghost to the game? Because the coach told
him to get a little spirit (Pedro, 7)•
 • What do you call a dog who hogs all the food? A pet-a-greed (Rachel. 8)•
 • Why can’t a bank keep secrets? Because there are so many tellers.
(Julie, 10)•
 • Where are dromedaries sold in Saudi Arabia? At a camel lot.  (Lederer
& Ertner)  •
 • How was that restaurant on the moon? The food was great but there was
no atmosphere. (Danny Perry)•
 • What is the tallest building in New York City? The library. It has
the most stories. (Taylor, 9)•
 • Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? Because they all have
phones (Danny Perry)•
 • What’s a boxer’s favorite drink? Punch (Maya, 9)•
 • Why doesn’t a dog like to get on the scales? Because he hates dog
pounds (Emma, 9)•
 • A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Bar tender?" (Gag-O-Matic)•
 • What are baby potatoes called? Tater-Tots (Kristina)•
 • What is a dog’s favorite part of the house? The roof (Tyler, 8)•
 • Where do spacebees go after they get married? On a honey moon.
(Lederer & Ertner) •
 • What did the clerk tell Snow White when she complained that her
photographs hadn't been developed yet? Someday your prints will come.
(Danny Perry)•
 • What house weighs the least? The lighthouse (Jake, 10)•
 • “I would like to try on that dress in the window” “I’m sorry, but
you’ll have to do that in the dressing room like everyone else. (Yoanna)•

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Date:    Sun, 21 Apr 2002 05:26:30 -0700
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Was she a blonde?

 A naive young lass was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.
 It was her turn, she rolled the dice and she landed
 on "Science & Nature".  Her question was,
 "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name,
 can you hear it?"

 She thought for a minute or two and then asked,
 "Is it on or off?"

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Date:    Sun, 21 Apr 2002 09:58:52 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: New Study Reveals Amazing Info

A recent study by doctors has proven that 2 drinks (beers, liquor
or wine) reduces the risk of strokes by 50%.  Is that amazing or
what?

Doctors also said before that aspirin reduces the risk of strokes
also.  That means that if we take an aspirin in the morning and
two shots of Bacardi at night for the rest of our lives, we should
be able to reduce the risk of strokes almost completely.  Another
proven fact is that masturbation burns off over 100 calories.

Therefore, take aspirin, drink and f**k yourself and you'll live
longer and leaner.

I'll drink to that.

[Thanks to irismist]

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Sun, 21 Apr 2002 07:20:57 -0700
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: Defining Bra Sizes (Adult)

Ever wonder why ABCDEF are used to define bra sizes?
A - Almost Boobs
B - Barely there
C - Can Do
D - Damn good
E - Enormous
F - Fake

Sandy (AKA MsSam)
http://chucklesofchoice.com

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Date:    Sun, 21 Apr 2002 09:28:23 -0500
From:    Tom and Carrol <tcr@CHARTER.NET>
Subject: Not for a quarter I wont

So here I am in the men's room, standing at the urinal ready to relieve
myself.  There was a row of three of them and I was on the left.  Someone
else comes in.  Now, for you ladies, it is impolite to look closely or stare
at other people when they are standing in such a position (but you can't
hardly help but see a glimmer through peripheral vision) and certainly, if
you look, you keep the eyes shoulder high.  So it was obvious, from that
casual glance, there was something different here.

The person who came in was a friend of mine and he was starting - staring at
the urinal next to mine.  So I look too, and there is a quarter down there.
Well fine - it can just stay there.  I mean, would you?  But Denny just
stared at it for about 30 seconds.  Then he whips out his wallet and before
you can say "boo" a $10 bill joins the quarter!  What in the world is going
on here?  Then he reaches in and fishes out the bill and the quarter.

"Denny," I say, "what in the hell are you doing?"

"Well, you didn't think I was going to go in there for just a quarter did
you?"

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Date:    Sun, 21 Apr 2002 08:43:18 -0600
From:    Emko Witteveen <emko@MAC.COM>
Subject: Definitions by Mom

Thanks to Lorraine
Best view with Courier 12-14 font.

1. AIRPLANE:  What Mom impersonates to get a 1-year-old
                to eat strained beets.
2. APPLE:     Nutritious lunchtime dessert which
                children will trade for cupcakes.
3. BABY:      1)Dad, when he gets a cold.  2)Mom's
                youngest child, even if he's 42.
4. BATHROOM:  A room used by the entire family,
                believed by all except Mom to be self-
                cleaning.
5. BECAUSE:   Mom's reason for having kids do things
                which can't be explained logically.
6. BED AND
    BREAKFAST: Two things the kids will never make for
                themselves.
7. CAR POOL:  Complicated system of transportation where
                Mom always winds up going the furthest
                with the biggest bunch of kids who have
                had the most sugar.
8. COUCH
    POTATO:     What Mom finds under the sofa cushions
                 after the kids eat dinner.
9. DATE:       Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can
                 enjoy worrying about the kids in a
                 different setting.
10. DRINING
     GLASS:     Any carton or bottle left open in the
                fridge.
11. DUST RAGS: "DAD'S UNDERWEAR."
12. EAR:       A place where kids store dirt.
13. ENERGY:    Element of vitality kids always have an
                 oversupply of until asked to do
                 something.
14. EYE:       The highly susceptible optic nerve which
                 can be "put out" by anything from a
                 suction-arrow to a carelessly handled
                 butter knife.
15. FOOD:       The response Mom usually gives in answer
                 to the question "What's for dinner
                 tonight?"   "SARCASM".
16. GENIUSES:   Amazingly, all of Mom's kids.
17. HAMPER:     A wicker container with a lid, usually
                  surrounded by, but not containing dirty
                  clothing.
18. HANDI-
     WIPES:      Pants, shirtsleeves, drapes, etc.
19. HINDSIGHT:  What Mom experiences from changing too
                  many diapers.
20. ICE:        Cubes of frozen water which would be
                  found in small plastic tray if kids or
                  husbands ever filled the things instead
                  of putting them back in the freezer
                  empty.
21. JEANS:      Which, according to kids, are
                  appropriate for just about any occasion,
                  including church and funerals.
22. JUNK:       Dad's stuff.
23. KISS:       Mom medicine.
24. LEMONADE
     STAND:      Complicated business venture where Mom
                  buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and
                  paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs,
                  pitchers and ice for kids who sit there
                  for three to six minutes and net profit
                  of 15 cents.
25. MAYBE:      No!
26. OCEAN:      What the bathroom floor looks like after
                  kids, assorted pets, two or three full-
                  sized towels and several dozen toy
                  boats, car and animals.
27. OPEN:       The position of children's mouths when
                  they eat in front of company.
28. OVERSTUFFED
     RECLINER:   Mom's nickname for Dad.
---
Old age is always fifteen years older than I am.

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Date:    Sun, 21 Apr 2002 08:57:25 -0700
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Say what?

+Got this from my friend Ana E. Muss+

   While working for the U.S. Census, I approached one home where I was greeted by two children.  I introduced myself, explained that I was a census taker and asked to see an adult.  The older child ran to the door and shouted for the woman of the house.  She hollered back, "Who is it?"
   The youngster yelled, "It's the senseless undertaker."



Is your boss reading your email? ....Probably
Keep your messages private by using Lycos Mail.
Sign up today at http://mail.lycos.com

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Date:    Sun, 21 Apr 2002 22:46:26 +0200
From:    Th. Legters <tlegters@XS4ALL.NL>
Subject: Just in time <adult>

When dating:
Good girls look at the clock
Bad girls look at the calendar

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Date:    Sun, 21 Apr 2002 21:36:44 -0700
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Puns of the Weak 04/19/02 (Part 3)

                        ONE-LINERS:

 • My dog continually walks back and forth. He's a pace setter  (Richard
Lederer and James Ertner)  •
 • Cereal Killer Strikes Again - does it for Kix! (Bree Schultz)•
 • Tried to play my shoehorn ... all I got was footnotes! (Renee from Napa)•
 • My psychiatrist says I'm manic-depressive - I have mixed feelings
about that. (Marsha Coleman)•
 • A group of male turkeys gathered aboard a luxury ship for a sea-going
vacation. In nautical circles, this has become known as the Tom Cruise.
(Gill Krebs)•
 • My sister dated a tennis player. It didn't work out. To him, love
meant nothing. (Garrry)•
 • 'Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest. (Syman Hirsch)•
 • Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play. (Jokes Galore)•
 • Acupuncture is a jab well done. (Jerry Ulett)•
 • How come you have to pay someone to rotate your tires?  Isn't that
the basic idea behind the wheel?  Don't they rotate on their own? (Gail
S. Angel)•
 • On the first day of school, a first grader handed his teacher a note
from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by thischild are
not necessarily those of his parents."  (R. Klar & D. Kegel)•
 • Money does grow on trees. It's just that the banks own all the
branches. (Renee from Napa)•
 • Show me a farmer who raises sheep for their wool and I'll show you a
shear cropper.  (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)  •
 • Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red. (Jokes Galore)•
 • The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck will be the day
they start making vacuum cleaners. (E4Fun)•
 • A proud father phoned the newspaper and reported the birth of twins.
The girl at the desk didn't quite catch the message.  'Will you repeat
that?' she asked. 'Not if I can help it,' he replied. (Syman Hirsch)•
 • I'd like to take a vacation in Turkey because I really like eating
turkey and I bet it's really good there. I'm not going to the Isle of
Man, though, cause that's sick. (Bob Van Voris)•
 • A skimpy bathing suit that a linguist wears if she is only going into
the water briefly is called a Dip Thong (Gil Krebs)•
 • Everyone in the Bureau would avoid J. Edgar Hoover in the morning
until he was ready to leave for work. It was common knowledge that he
was a cross dresser. (Stan Kegel)•
 • As the forgetful skunk said awhen the wind suddenly changed
directions, "It's all coming back to me now."  (Richard Lederer and
James Ertner) •
 • I was having car trouble so I called my mechanic. When he asked what
was wrong, I told him it was stalling and it seemed like the engine is
missing. He said if I want him to fix it, I'd better find it first.
(Randall Woodman)•
 • My uncle was codependent and paranoid.  He was always afraid that he
was following someone. (Garrry)•
 • My fireplace wasn't working right, and I had to get it a flue shot.
(Megan Waves) •
 • Many are called, but few actually return the message. (Douglas Helsel)•
 • Sea captains don't like crew cuts. (Jokes Galore)•
 • The name of the cloned sheep that was born in a Central American
country is  El Salvador Dolly. (Gill Krebs)•
 • Vikings prefer to catch fish with Hitchcock Films. Of corse, there
are other Norman Bates. (Daniel Reihs).•
 • Somebody once asked: did I pick my nose? I replied, "No. I was born
with it."  (Johann von Haupkopf)  •
 • Did you hear about the fish that avoided the fisherman's net? He was
the sole survivor.  (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)  •
 • Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence (Renee from Napa)•
 • Did you hear about the fish that kept getting stuck in an underwater
pipeline?  It was an example of carp-in-tunnel syndrome. (Jim Ertner)•
 • A man in our neighborhood ran around convincing people not to eat.
Man, he was some fast talker! (Megan Waves)•
 • When Michelin, Goodyear, and Firestone workers become 65 years old,
do they simply quit work, or merely re-Tire? (Sir Lawrence Brotherton)•
 • Show me a man who walks with his head held high and I'll show you a
man  who hasn't quite gotten used to his bifocals. (Beckie Shiles)•
 • In feline felony there is always probable claws. (Shewalt)•
 • When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination. (Jokes Galore)•
 • The Aboriginal glee club performs a variety of coral music.  (Daniel Reihs).•
 • Pampered cows give spoiled milk.  (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)
 • Accept what you cannot change, especially if it's in large
denominations. (Renee from Napa)•
 • In 1865 Canada sold the United States a herd of 40,000 Bison. Then,
America received a Buffalo Bill. (Patrick Kincaid)•
 • In 1914 The Panama Canal locks opened, but they forgot the cream
cheese. (Daryl Stout)•

                        BLOOPERS:

 • Quarter of a Million Chinese Live on Water  (Bree Schultz)•
 • I met this nice guy who's in the service. He's the chief petting
officer. (Richard Lederer)•
 • Two Convicts Evade Noose, Jury Hung  (Bree Schultz) •
 • It was a case of love at Versailles. (Richard Lederer)•
 • Farmer Bill Dies in House  (Bree Schultz) •
 • A Cricket commentator on UK radio  once  correctly stated, "The
batsman's Holding. The bowler's Willie." (Duh Me)•
 • Grandmother of Eight Makes Hole in One (Bree Schultz) •
 • More and more people around the world are purchasing and using
cellulite phones. (Richard Lederer)•
 • Deaf Mute Gets New Hearing in Killing  (Bree Schultz) •

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Date:    Mon, 22 Apr 2002 00:58:29 -0400
From:    The Punk with the Stutter <thepunkwiththestutter@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: Remarks by the President

PRESIDENT OUTLINES NEXT STEPS IN SIDESTEPPING
LEGISLATION BANNING ALASKA OIL EXPLORATION

For Immediate Release
Office of the Press Secretary
April 19, 2002  - 3:22 P.M. (EST)

THE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon.  Thank you.  Thank you all very much for coming.  As you've
no doubt heard by now, Senate Democrats and John McCain have joined forces to soundly
humiliate me by blocking passage of legislation which would have allowed my many
scrupulous and environmentally sensitive campaign contributors in the petrochemical
industry to patriotically extract life-giving oil from the barren and otherwise worthless
landscape of the Alaskan National Wildlife Refuge.  And while you can rest assured that my
administration will be tireless in suggesting that each of the 54 Senators who opposed
this bill are in fact complicit in giving Osama bin Laden himself one hell of a
super-juicy group B.J., today it is my intention to remain outwardly positive when
discussing my reactions to this deeply embarrassing development.

First and foremost, I want the good people of this great country to know that I understand
that pollsters lie (unless they're talking about my approval ratings), and that I realize
that 99.9% of you feel it is essential that we waste no time going to Alaska to get every
last drop of that four-month supply of sweet, delicious crude oil.  Yesterday, I was at a
photo opportunity with some wealthy colored folks at Clarence Thomas' country club, and a
woman by the name of Shaniqua Debarge approached me and said, "Mr. President, it costs me
almost $130 roundtrip to drive my boys to rap lessons in our 2002 345-hp V8 Cadillac
Escalade EXT.  If oil prices don't come down soon, they'll have to start taking the bus,
and then it's inevitable they'll get mixed up in gang warfare, murder some pretty white
lady, and end up receiving the death penalty they deserve.  SO PLEASE - start drilling in
that wildlife refuge!  My babies' lives depend on it!"  Well I told her right then and
there, "Don't you worry one bit, missy.  I will not rest until we have persevered over the
insidious racism which secretly fuels the Democrats' opposition to developing ANWR into a
state of the art facility for the temporary preservation of the American way of life."
And then Mrs. Debarge wept hot tears of gratitude, and dropped to her knees to kiss the
gleaming tops of my presidential cowboy boots.

And so, going forward, I want all Americans to understand that my crusade to permit oil
exploration in the Alaska Wildlife Refuge has just begun.  My operatives are already busy,
inserting dozens of bafflingly worded provisions in obscure and unrelated bills which,
when passed, will quickly and effectively overturn this temporary Democrat-imposed and
profoundly un-American setback.

In closing, I want to thank the small but vocal minority of Alaskans who support drilling
in ANWR for all their calls to the Fox News Channel.  It's high school dropouts like you,
who hunger to spend your days operating cranium-rattling and pollution-belching heavy
machinery in order to earn the paltry paychecks which will fill your toddler-infested
mobile homes with cheap logo-emblazoned consumer goods and fatty processed foods, who make
America great.  And to you I say, it pleases me immensely that you are incapable of
recognizing yourselves as the ideologically malleable human chattel that you are, and that
as such, you vehemently disagree with your whiny Injun neighbors, who would rather hang
around and swill 40's of malt liquor while banging pots and pans and chanting to their
filthy heathen dirt Gods than do a single honest day's work in beautiful, gleaming
petroleum refinery.  Thank you all - I promise to do my best to make it seem as if I'm
doing right by you.

Thank you, and God Bless.
___     ___     ___     ___     ___     ___     ___
©2001-2002 - a chickenhead productions parody



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