Digest for Saturday, April 20, 2002

There are 9 messages totalling 383 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Puns of the Weak 4/29/02 (Part 1)
  2. A good read
  3. Reading
  4. Fairy enough
  5. Last to Know
  6. Irreplaceable
  7. Actual newspaper headlines...
  8. This Weeks Horoscopes


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Date:    Fri, 19 Apr 2002 23:39:38 -0700
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Puns of the Weak 4/29/02 (Part 1)

                        IN THE NEWS

 • Ossama Ben Laden's accountant suggested he invest a few million
dollars in reenforcing his cave network because if he's still  alive on
April 15, he might need attack shelter  (Gary Hallock)•
 • Behind every successful man stands a woman and the IRS. One takes the
credit, the other takes the cash. (Paul Benoit)•
 • When making out your tax return, it's better to give than to deceive
(Lite Bites)•
 • According to the government, a taxpayer is someone who has what it
takes. (Beckie Shiles)•
 • Income-tax forms should be printed on Kleenex. So many of us pay
through the nose. Paul Benoit)•
 • Income tax-time is when you test your powers of deduction. (Shelby Friedman)•
 • Because of her lavish spending habits, Pamela [Anderson Lee] is said
to be having financial troubles. Which is strange, because her two
largest assets are liquid. (Conan O'Brien)•
 • Gay couples in New Jersey can now adopt foster children.
Conservatives denounced the idea, saying "It's cruel and immoral to
raise children in an environment like... New Jersey." (Cutler Daily Scoop)•
 • Yesterday I was assembling my giant O. Henry Pun-Off sign on the
outside wall of a rent house we have on interstate 35. Each individual
plastic letter is about 4 feet tall and I have to stand up on the back
of my truck as I fasten them around the edges with numerous screws. As I
sorted through the stack of letters I realized that a small but
important piece of my sign had gone astray. I said aloud "Hey, I'm
missing my period!" My puzzled buddy just looked at me with a "Don't
look at me" face so I added, "I guess that's what comes from all my
screwing around." (Gary Hallock)•

                        PUNY RIDDLE CHAIN:

 • When the owner of a magazine stand found business so slow that he
spent most of the day inventorying, one thing became apparent. What? He
had a lot of extra time on his hands (Ken Pinkham).•
 • What sin should you think of when you look out the window and see
only a leafless oak? A dull tree (Stan Kegel)•
 • Where did they put General Patton's WWII competitor after he went
insane from going on too many shopping sprees in American clothing
malls? In a Patton cell in the Montgomery Ward   (By David Bunch) •
 • Due to budget cutbacks in Hollywood, many people on the staff of
popular game shows were laid off. Even the well paid hosts of some shows
were rumored to losing their jobs to younger, less expensive hunks. The
aging host of one show in particular almost had a heart attack when he
received and misunderstood a reassuring note from his producer that
seemed to indicate he was about to get the axe. What did the note say?
Alex, Your job will always be in Jeopardy! (Gary Hallock)•
 • A nature photographer spent a lifetime taking photos of summits of
the world's tallest mountains.  Nearing his retirement he decided to
have his portfolio published.  What was the title of the book?
Peak-tures  (By Tiff Wimberly) •
 • What do you call people who tell jokes about the physics of fluid
displacement? Archemedians (Gary Hallock)•
 • Why is a San Francisco pickpocket like a popular appetizer?  Each one
is a California dip. (Ken Pinkham)•
 • What do you call a Salvation Army volunteer who approaches patrons
between acts of a play? An intermissionary (By Stan Kegel)•

                        DEFINITIONS:

 • Restaurant: Where people are happy when they're fed up. (Stan Kegel)•
 • Injury: Where many court cases are decided (Cynthia MacGregor)•
 • Israel: All things that are not imaginary. (Gary Hallock)•
 • Romantic: A small insect that often plagued Julius Caesar (Cynthia MacGregor)•
 • Iambic: The singing pen in the commercial (Stan Kegel)•
 • Rampart: What the Greek Restaurant served wrapped in grape leaves
(Ken Pinkham)•
 • Dumpling: A very small, very rundown apartment. (P. C. Swanson) •
 • Slacking: Top tailor (Stan Kegel)•
 • Roaster:  The guy who's making the boat move (Kim Soriano) •
 • Pin Money: Bowling fee (Stan Kegel)•
 • Pontificate: Food fight on a Paris bridge. (J. A. Mc.)•
 • Raise: Belonging to Raymond  (Cynthia MacGregor) •
 • Syntax: All the money collected at the church from sinners. (Douglas Helsel)•
 • Carpool tunnel syndrome: A painful arm from gripping the seat while
the driver of your transit group navigates a congested underwater
passage  (Cynthia MacGregor) •
 • Pasteurize:  Something moving across your line of vision (Stan Kegel)•
 • Peking: toilet king.  (Tim Bruening)•
 • Rebel: Replace the carillon.  (Lars Hanson)•
 • Persuade: Soft leather used to make handbags. (P. C. Swanson) •
 • Twins: Buy one, get one free (Beckie Shiles)•

                        COMICS:

 • What do you think about the Giants this season? I expect really big
things from them this year. (Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)•
 • Coach: “You two double team O’neal” Player: “How come we’re always
the Shaq absorbers”  (Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)  •
 • “I saw a show last nigth about one middle aged man’s battle with
chest pain.” “What was it called?” “The Angina Monologues” (Shoe:
Cassett & Brookins)•

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Date:    Sat, 20 Apr 2002 06:09:14 -0700
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: A good read

An elderly Jewish man is sitting on a park bench reading Louis
Farrakhan's newspaper.   His best friend walks by, sees the paper,
and stops in shock.

"What are you doing reading that paper?" he says.  "You should be
reading the Jewish Journal!"

The elderly man replies, "The Jewish Journal has stories about
anti-Semitism, problems in Israel and all kinds of troubles of the
Jewish people.  I like to read about good news.  Farrakhan's paper
says the Jews have all the money. The Jews control the banks. The
Jews control the press. The Jews control Hollywood. It's all good
news!"

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Date:    Sat, 20 Apr 2002 09:18:57 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Reading

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old
daughter.

"What does the cow say?"  asked mother.

"Moooo!"  said her son Billy.

"Great!" says mom.  "What does the cat say?"

"Meow."  says Billy.

"Oh, you're so smart!"  says mom.  "And what does the frog say?"

The wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at his mother and
replied, "Bud...Weiss...Er."

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Sat, 20 Apr 2002 15:48:27 +0200
From:    Th. Legters <tlegters@XS4ALL.NL>
Subject: Fairy enough <adult>

Walking through the woods Snowwhite met Pinokkio.
Without hesitation, she pushed him to the ground, sat on his face and
moaned: 'Lie, baby, lie!'

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Date:    Sat, 20 Apr 2002 10:20:23 -0600
From:    Emko Witteveen <emko@MAC.COM>
Subject: Last to Know

Two very elderly men were having a conversation about
sex. Elmer says, "Yessir, I did it three times last
night with a 30-year-old!"

Leon replies, "You're kidding. I can't even manage to do
it once. What's your secret?"

Elmer replies, "Well, the secret is to eat lots of whole-
wheat bread."

So the second old man rushes to the store.

The clerk asks the old man, "May I help you?'

"Yes, I'd like four loaves of whole-wheat bread, please."

The clerk says, "That's a lot of bread. It's sure to get
hard before you're done."

The old man says, "Damn! Does everyone know about this
except me?"
---
If you could dream up a brand-new color, would it be a
pigment of your imagination?

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Date:    Sat, 20 Apr 2002 10:17:38 -0700
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Irreplaceable

+Got this from my friend Ana E. Muss+

   My six-year-old son called me from his friend Charlie's house and confessed he had broken a lamp when he threw a football in their living room.
   But, Mom," he said, brightening, "you don't have to worry about buying another one.  Charlie's mother said it was irreplaceable."



Is your boss reading your email? ....Probably
Keep your messages private by using Lycos Mail.
Sign up today at http://mail.lycos.com

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Date:    Sat, 20 Apr 2002 13:16:30 -0500
From:    Randall Woodman <rwoodman@ATTBI.COM>
Subject: Actual newspaper headlines...

Some old... some new

Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link
Whatever Their motives, Moms Who Kill Kids still Shock Us
Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut
Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find
'Light' meals are lower in fat, calories
Alcohol ads promote drinking
Malls try to attract shoppers
Official: Only rain will cure drought
Teen-age girls often have babies fathered by men
Low Wages Said Key to Poverty
Man shoots neighbor with machete
Tomatoes come in big, little, medium sizes
Man Run Over by Freight Train Dies
Scientists see quakes in L.A. future
Wachtler tells graduates that life in jail is demeaning
Free Advice: Bundle up when out in the cold
Prosecution paints O.J. as a wife-killer
Economist uses theory to explain economy
Bible church's focus is the Bible
Clinton pledges restraint in use of nuclear weapons
Discoveries: Older blacks have edge in longevity
Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear
Biting nails can be sign of tenseness in a person
Lack of brains hinders research
How we feel about ourselves is the core of self-esteem, says author
Fish lurk in streams
Include your Children when Baking Cookies
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Stud Tires Out
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Eye Drops off Shelf
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Deer Kill 17,000
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=} Randall {=-  Why is it you never see the headline... "PSYCHIC WINS
LOTTERY"

Need a Tagline?  Visit http://www.taglinesgalore.com/

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Date:    Sat, 20 Apr 2002 22:36:25 -0400
From:    The Punk with the Stutter <thepunkwiththestutter@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: This Week's Horoscopes

By Lloyd Schumner Sr.
Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B.-Certified Astrologer

Aries: (March 21—April 19)
Give yourself a well-deserved treat by mixing incompatible drugs and having an ill-advised
sexual encounter.  You owe it to yourself for the week you're about to have.

Taurus: (April 20—May 20)
You will soon learn the subtle value of silence in those who disapprove of you.

Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
The stars indicate that you've been looking good lately.  Also, they need to borrow $20.

Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
Next week, you will learn the hard way just how important it is to pay attention to the
fine print noting that the stunt is being performed by professional drivers on a closed
course.

Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
You'll feel strangely unflattered by a celebrity comparison when you're described as
looking like the crate they shipped Star Jones in.

Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
When they announce the pregnancy of the Washington Zoo's panda next week, just sit back
and smile knowingly.

Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
Your first impression will be that you were so drunk you married the bearded lady, but
moments later, you'll realize you made a mistake about the gender.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
You're getting to the point where you'd kill for a cigarette, despite never having smoked
in your life.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
Early reviews will refer to you as "smart, sassy, sexy, and full of non-stop Broadway
razzle-dazzle."

Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
You'd have had a much better chance of acquittal if one of the witnesses against you
hadn't been an Osmond.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
You've joked about being a snacking machine, but you had no idea that you were
specifically constructed by the Nabisco Corporation for its own dark product-consumption
purposes.

Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
A time-travel accident transports you to an era when you are irresistible to the unwashed,
plague-ridden, lesion-faced opposite sex.
___   ___   ___   ___   ___
© Copyright 2002 Onion, Inc.



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Date:    Sat, 20 Apr 2002 19:41:00 -1000
From:    Mickey&Karen <mhenn@GTE.NET>
Subject: <No subject given>

Half of all marriages end in divorce.

That's not as bad as it sounds. The other half end in
death."

My wife came with instructions. Plenty of
instructions. She instructed me on how to do
everything all over again. And she was quick to point
out all my faults. I only came with two
instructions.... to show her how to use a beer
opener...and how to pick up the empties.

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