Digest for Friday, April 19, 2002

There are 11 messages totalling 422 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. McDonalds Solilquy
  2. The IRS theme song
  3. Tax Season Joke.....
  4. MARKETING
  5. Rednecks & Dogs
  6. Fine Wine
  7. Construction workers
  8. Brewster
  9. Modern Marriage
  10. Speeding ticket
  11. Jim Mullens Hot Sheet


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Date:    Fri, 19 Apr 2002 05:39:36 -0400
From:    Rollo Tomasi <rollotomasi@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: McDonald's Solilquy

     __MacDonald's Soliloquy__
      or, Parody after Macbeth
            Gregory Lam
             Feb. 5/96

Is this a burger which I see before me,
The soft bun in my hand?  Come, let me clutch thee.
I eat thee not, and yet I want thee still.
Art thou not, gourmet's vision, sensible
To taste as to sight?  or art thou but
A burger of the mind, a false dinner,
Proceeding from the meat-oppressed stomach?
I see thee yet, in form as palatable
As this cracker which now I chew.
Thou nourish'st me on the way that I was going,
And such condiments I was to use!
Mine mouth are made the fools o' the other senses,
The calories worth all the rest; I see thee still,
And on thy plate and Happy Meals of fat,
Which was not so before.  There's no such food:
It is the bloody diet which informs
Thus to mine eyes.  Now o'er the Weight Watchers
Tastebuds seem dead, and raw salads abuse
The growling bowels; famished celebrate
Jenny Craig's offerings, and wither'd hunger,
Alarum'd by his sentinel, the bathroom scale,
Laughs as it watches, thus with his mocking numbers.
With Hamburglar's ravishing strides, towards his goal
I move like a ghost.  Thou warm and delicious beef,
Hear not my teeth, which way they chew, for fear
My very swallows prate of my gluttony,
And take the present mirror from the room,
When now suits do not fit.  Whiles I starve, he lives:
Buffets to the heat of charbroiled chicken gives.
[A bell rings.]
I go, and it is done; the microwave bell invites me.
Hear it not, Tongue; for it is a knell
That summons thy mouth to heaven and thy body to hell.
[Exeunt.]

--
From rec.humor.funny

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Date:    Fri, 19 Apr 2002 05:25:56 -0700
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: The IRS theme song

 The U.S. Internal Revenue Service Theme Song

 Tax his cow, Tax his goat;
 Tax his pants, Tax his coat;
 Tax his crop, Tax his work;
 Tax his ties, Tax his shirt;
 Tax his chew, Tax his smoke
 Teach him taxing is no joke.
 Tax his tractor, Tax his mule;
 Tell him, Taxing is the rule.
 Tax his oil, Tax his gas
 Tax his notes, Tax his cash
 Tax him good and let him know,
 That after taxes, he has no dough.
 If he hollers, Tax him more;
 Tax him till he's good and sore.
 Tax his coffin, Tax his grave,
 Tax his sod in which he's laid.
 Put these words upon his tomb,
 "Taxes drove him to his doom."
 After he's gone, we won't relax.
 We'll still collect inheritance tax.

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Date:    Fri, 19 Apr 2002 07:53:15 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Tax Season Joke.....

The Audit

A young hotshot gets a job with the IRS. His first assignment is to audit
an old rabbi. He thinks he'll have a little fun with the old rabbi so he
says, "Rabbi, what do you do with the drippings from the candles?" The
rabbi says, "We send them to the candle factory and every once in a while
they send us a free candle." The kid says, "And what do you do with the
crumbs from your table?" The Rabbi says, "We send them to the matzo ball
factory and every once in a while they send us a free box of matzo balls."
The kid says, "And what do you do with the foreskins from your
circumcisions?" The rabbi says, "We send them to the IRS, and every once
in a while they send us a little prick like you."

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Date:    Fri, 19 Apr 2002 07:44:29 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <PBenoit@COOKSONELECTRONICS.COM>
Subject: MARKETING  <adult>

Corporations are merging with celebrities, and changing
the advertising industry forever.

In a society where wealth is the only path to power,
celebrities are now selling the rights to their names
to be used in conjunction with mainstream products.
Some examples:

   - Nick at Nite Nolte
   - Captain Morgan Freeman
   - James Lipton Tea
   - Billy Crystal Light Lemonade
   - Kurt Russell Stover Candies
   - Reese's Pieces Witherspoon
   - Captain Kangaroo Morgan
   - Mr. Lipton T
   - Whoopie Cushion Goldberg
   - Michael J. 20th Century Fox
   - Dixie Cup Chicks
   - Sigourney Weaver Chicken
   - Harrison Ford Mustang


---------------------------------------------------------
             ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
---------------------------------------------------------


By the way, if anyone here is in advertising or marketing,
kill yourself. Thank you, thank you. Just a little thought.
I'm just trying to plant seeds. Maybe one day they'll take
root, I don't know. You try. You do what you can. Kill
yourselves. Seriously though, if you are, do. No really,
there's no rationalization for what you do, and you are
Satan's little helpers, OK? Kill yourselves, seriously.
You're the ruiner of all things good. Seriously, no, this
is not a joke. "There's gonna be a joke coming..." There's
no fucking joke coming, you are Satan's spawn, filling the
world with bile and garbage, you are fucked and you are
fucking us, kill yourselves, it's the only way to save your
fucking soul. Kill yourself. I know what all the marketing
people are thinking right now too. "Oh, you know what Bill's
doing? He's going for that anti-marketing dollar. That's a
good market. He's very smart." Oh man, I am not doing that,
you fucking evil scumbags. "You know what Bill's doing now,
he's going for the righteous indignation dollar, that's a
big dollar, a lot of people are feeling that indignation,
we've done research, huge market. He's doing a good thing."
Godammit, I'm not doing that, you scumbags, quit putting a
godamn dollar sign on every fucking thing on this planet.

               (c) Bill Hicks


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Date:    Fri, 19 Apr 2002 09:02:11 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Rednecks & Dogs

Two good ole boys were on the front porch talkin' about crops,
cattle prices and such.. when the hound layin' between them
lifted his leg and licked himself where dogs are want to lick
themselves.

One said "Trey, I sure wish I could do that"

The other said, "Well Jake, I reckon you can, he don't look like
a mean dog to me."

                     *************************

A Redneck takes his dog for a walk. After awhile he gets thirsty
so he ties his dog to a parking meter in front of a bar and goes
in for a couple of beers. After he has been there for an hour or
so the local policeman enters the bar. "Whose dog is tied up out
front?"

The Redneck responds, "That's my dog. Is there a problem officer?"

"Well she's in heat," says the cop."

"Oh, she'll be all right. It's shady out there."

"That's not what I mean. Your dog needs bred."

"I gave her a half of a loaf this morning. She's fine."

At this point the policeman is becoming a little upset. "Listen
fellow.  You don't seem to understand what I am talking about.
That dog needs to be screwed.

"Go right ahead officer, I've always wanted a police dog."

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Fri, 19 Apr 2002 10:07:51 -0400
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: Fine Wine

Men's Wine Quote:
"Women are like fine wine. They begin as fresh, fruity,
 and intoxicating and then become full-bodied with age before
 turning so sour they give you a headache."

Women's Wine Quote:
"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes,
 and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark
 until they mature into something with which you'd like to have
 dinner."

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Date:    Fri, 19 Apr 2002 09:51:04 -0500
From:    Tom and Carrol <tcr@CHARTER.NET>
Subject: Construction workers <coarse language>

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a
construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The
young family's 6-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the
activity going on next-door, and started talking with the workers. She hung
around and eventually the construction crew, gems in the rough all of them,
more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They even made her
wear a yellow hard hat. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while
they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and
there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope
containing a dollar. The little girl took this home to her mother who said
all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the
dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings
account.

When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed with the story,
and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such
a young age. The little girl proudly replied, I've been working with a crew
building a house all week." "My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and
will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

Replied the little girl, "I will if those useless cocksuckers at the
lumberyard ever bring us the fuckin' drywall."

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Date:    Fri, 19 Apr 2002 17:57:00 +0000
From:    Randall Woodman <rwoodman@ATTBI.COM>
Subject: Brewster

From: "Gil Ross" via Stan Kegal

        My uncle John was in the fertilized egg business when I was young. He
had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and 8 or 10 roosters
whose job was to fertilize the eggs. My uncle kept records and any
rooster or pullet that didn't perform well went into the pot and was replaced.

        Now this took an awful lot of time. So my uncle got a set of tiny bells
and attached them to his roosters. Now he could sit on the porch and
fill out an efficiency report by listening to the bells.

        My uncle's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he
was, but his bell had not rung all morning. Uncle John went to
investigate. Several roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing.
Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on
a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

        Uncle was so proud of Brewster he entered him in the county fair.
Brewster was an overnight sensation. The judges not only awarded him the
No Bell Prize, but also the Pullet Surprise.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=} Randall {=-  God bless this lady rooster.  All the people said?  A-HEN!

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Date:    Fri, 19 Apr 2002 12:20:17 -0600
From:    Emko Witteveen <emko@MAC.COM>
Subject: Modern Marriage <Adult>

What women want in a relationship: A handsome, loving
professional man who will just love them for who they are.

What women get: A fat, balding fart machine who stays
with them only because no other woman wants him.

What men want in a woman: A combination of Carol Brady
and Pamela Lee Anderson; Wonderful Mom with big
hooters and can suck the chrome off a flagpole.

What men get: Someone who immediately begins to gain
those 80 extra lbs the moment after she says "I Do",
beginning with the wedding cake!

What women want in bed: A passionate lover who takes
the time to kiss and gently caress, slowly building up
to a wonderful joyous experience together.
What they get: "Wham-Bam-Thank-You Ma'am!", Belch,
Fart, Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz
---
"Without nipples, breasts would be pointless."

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Date:    Fri, 19 Apr 2002 18:26:38 -0700
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Speeding ticket

+Got this from my friend Ana E. Muss+

   One of my friends got a speeding ticket and was attending a defensive-driving course to have points erased from her license.  The instructor, a police officer, emphasized that being on time was crucial, and that the classroom doors would be locked when each session began.
   Just after one class started, someone knocked on the locked door.  The officer opened it and asked, "Why are you late?"
   The student replied, "I was trying not to get another ticket."  The officer let him in.



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Date:    Sat, 20 Apr 2002 01:46:08 -0400
From:    The Punk with the Stutter <thepunkwiththestutter@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: Jim Mullen's Hot Sheet

What the country is talking about this week...

1)  Kid Rock & Pamela Anderson:  They're engaged.  In what?

2)  Star Wars: Episode II:  We should be proud of the people already standing in line for
the May 16 premiere.  It means they can go a whole month without seeing their shrink.

3)  "The Bachelor"  He will finally choose one of the 25 women to be his bride.  The show
will return next year as "The Divorce."

4)  "Hollywood Squares"  What big star is leaving the show over a salary dispute?  Please,
if they were big stars, they wouldn't be doing "Hollywood Squares."

5)  Ellen:  Will her new weekday talk show be all gay all the time?  No, she'll leave that
to Jerry Springer, Jenny Jones, Montel Williams, Maury Povich, and Ricki Lake.

6)  "The Scorpion King"  Pro wrestler The Rock should do well in his first starring role.
He went to the best acting school in the country, the WWF.

7)  "The Osbournes"  The family reportedly wants MTV to pay them millions for a second
season.  For that kind of money you could get the Osmonds.

8)  Kelsey Grammer:  He made a six-figure donation to his Florida high school.  Or they
would send out seniors to hold his head in the toilet until he did.

9)  Take Our Daughter to Work Day:  Last year we had them clean the glass ceiling.

10)  "Murder by Numbers"  A high school genius plots the perfect murder.  That's the
trouble with the world—those damn geniuses.

11)  "Secretaries Day"  Businesspeople got sick of giving them flowers and taking them to
lunch.  So they made them all personal assistants.

12)  Crocodile Hunter:  The Australian daredevil made a reported $8.7 million last year
wrestling crocs.  And the good news is that there's no point in saving any of it for his
old age.

13)  Wayne Newton:  He and his wife are using a surrogate mother to have a child.  That's
way less painful than an epidural.

14)  Roy Rogers' museum:  It's for sale for around $8 million, but it doesn't include the
cowboy's stuffed horse Trigger.  That's on loan to the Louvre.

15)   Clint Eastwood:  He owned the largest hardwood tree in the U.S. until someone
recently found a bigger one.  The old tree's agent dropped him.
___   ___   ___   ___   ___   ___   ___   ___
Copyright © 2002 Entertainment Weekly and Time Inc.



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