Digest for Thursday, April 18, 2002

There are 8 messages totalling 372 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Reasons The Pope Summoned All The Cardinals To Rome
  2. How many feel about the U.S. Internal Revenue Service!
  3. KENNYS KIDS . . . . .
  4. Old, but not so slow
  5. Gongs For Bongs
  6. Land life
  7. Frog Man (adult)
  8. Remarks by the President


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Date:    Thu, 18 Apr 2002 02:02:37 -0400
From:    Rollo Tomasi <rollotomasi@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Reasons The Pope Summoned All The Cardinals To Rome

        Los Angeles Times:  "Pope John Paul II on Monday summoned
        all eight U.S. cardinals to Rome next week for an unprecedented
        closed-door meeting on the burgeoning sexual-abuse scandal
        in the United States."    -April 16, 2002

Reason #1:  Going to go over the little known 11th Commandment - Keep your hands to
yourself.

Reason #2:  Wants to show the new guy Egan his "really cool scars."

Reason #3:  New pointy hats are in.

Reason #4:  Heard one of them said they could kick his ass, wants to teach him a lesson.

Reason #5:  Going to order them back to St. Louis from Phoenix, where let's face it, it's
not working out.

Reason #6:  Read the Bible, and those wafers have nothing to do with anything. Wants to go
back to using wine.

Reason #7:  Just got The Ten Commandments on DVD.

Reason #8:  Vatican travel department came in 12% under budget and unless they spend all
their grant money, God will give them less next year.

Reason #9:  Unlike most parents in their 90's, the Holy Father doesn't have to put up with
this never visiting crap.

Reason #10:  Finally has proof that Father Guido Sarducci ain't even a priest!

Reason #11:  Jesus is, frankly, sick of this Allah jerk doing a Santa Claus on his dad.
__
(c) Daily Wonk Lists 2002

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Date:    Thu, 18 Apr 2002 06:00:34 -0700
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: How many feel about the U.S. Internal Revenue Service!

1. Post Office just recalled their newest stamps:
   They had pictures of IRS agents on them, and people couldn't figure
   out which side to spit on.

2. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only
   save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the newspaper?

3. What do you call 25 I.R.S. agents buried up to their chins in cement?
   Not enough cement.

4. What do you call 25 skydiving I.R.S. agents?
   Skeet.

5. What do you throw to a drowning I.R.S. agent?
   His co-workers.

6. What's brown and looks really good on an I.R.S. agent?
   A Doberman.

7. What's the difference between an I.R.S. agent and a mosquito?
   One is a bloodsucking parasite, the other is an insect.

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Date:    Thu, 18 Apr 2002 08:11:57 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <PBenoit@COOKSONELECTRONICS.COM>
Subject: KENNY'S KIDS . . . . .

. . . . Because Too Much Is Never Enough


With Enron bankrupt, and Ken Lay no longer able to
generously support those who made him what he is today,
many poor, sorrowful politicians have been been left
horribly deprived. Please consider the awful plight of
the terribly needy men and women shown below. Send a
note to show you care, and we'll donate a penny to
campaign finance reform. It's our way of making sure
this never, ever, ever happens again. You can send your
donation in the name of Ken or your favorite Kenny's Kid.
We'll even send them a thank you note. Please, open your
heart, and help end the hurting.

               http://www.kennyskids.org/



WHO NEEDS YOUR HELP?


  Rep. Tom Delay:
   [got $28,900 from Enron]
  Hasn't been able to run a negative campaign ad for months.
  Help this poor man!


  Sen. Phil Gramm:
   [$101,350]
  Desperately needs medical attention for worry lines over
  possible Enron disclosures.


  Sen. John Breaux:
   [$11,100]
  With no Enron lobbyists, he's forgotten which way to vote on
  energy laws. Please help this lost soul find his way!


  President George Bush:
   [$213,800]
  Before he got Enron money: a failed oilman. After: the most
  powerful man in the world. What will happen to him now?


  Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchinson:
   [$101,500]
  May have to forsake campaign commercials and actually go and
  meet voters. Find it in your heart to do something for her!



*******************
"I'd give it all up, for a little more."
         - Montgomery Burns (The Simpsons) on MONEY


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Date:    Thu, 18 Apr 2002 07:41:31 -0500
From:    Tom and Carrol <tcr@CHARTER.NET>
Subject: Old, but not so slow

Senior Citizens Are Quick Thinkers and Deserve Respect!

There was a senior citizen male who bought a brand new Mercedes convertible
SLK. He took off down the road, flooring it up to 80 mph, and enjoying the
wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head.

"This is great," he thought and floored it some more. Then he looked in his
rearview mirror and there was a highway patrol Trooper behind him, blue
lights flashing and siren blaring "I can get away from him with no problem"
thought the man and he floored it some more and flew down the
road at over 100 mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for
this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road and waited for
the state trooper to catch up with him.

The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man. "Sir,"
he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and, today is
Friday the 13th. If you can give me one good reason why you were speeding
that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked back at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with
a state trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back.

"The state trooper replied, "Have a nice day".

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Date:    Thu, 18 Apr 2002 09:20:41 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Gongs For Bongs

The following is from the British Sunday Express giving Gongs
(medals) for dubious distinctions.


Tortoise Trophy
British Rail, which ingeniously solved the problem of lateness in
the InterCity express train service by redefining "on time" to
include trains arriving within one hour of schedule.

Rubber Cushion
John Bloor who mistook a tube of superglue for his hemorrhoid
cream and glued his buttocks together

Crimewatch Cup
Gold star: Henry Smith, arrested moments after returning home with
a stolen stereo. His error was having tattooed on his forehead in
large capital letters the words "Henry Smith".
His lawyer told the court:  "My client is not a very bright young
man".
Silver star: Michael Robinson, who rang police to deliver a bomb
hoax, but became so agitated about the mounting cost of the call
that he began screaming "Call me back" and left his phone number.
Bronze star: Paul Monkton, who used as his getaway vehicle a van
with his name and phone number painted in foot-high letters on
the side.

British Cup
To passengers on a jam-packed train from Margate to Victoria who
averted their eyes while John Henderson and Zoe D'Arcy engaged in
oral sex and then moved onto intercourse, but complained when they
lit up post-coitus cigarettes in a non-smoking compartment.

Flying Cross
To Percy the Pigeon, who flopped down exhausted in a Sheffield
loft having beaten 1,000 rivals in a 500 mile race and was
immediately eaten by a cat.  The 90 minute delay in finding his
remains and handing his identification tag to the judges
relegated Percy from first to third place.

Lazarus Laurel
To Julia Carson who as her tearful family gathered round her
coffin in a New York funeral parlour, sat bolt upright and asked
what the hell was going on. Celebrations were short lived since
Mrs. Carlson's daughter, Julie, immediately dropped dead from
shock.

Silver Bullet
To poacher Marino Malerba who shot dead a stag standing above him
on an overhanging rock,and was killed instantly when it fell on
him.

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Thu, 18 Apr 2002 17:59:20 +0200
From:    Th. Legters <tlegters@XS4ALL.NL>
Subject: Land life

One farmer was bragging about his farmland to his cousin: 'When I drive
along the borders of my land, the ride will take more than four hours!'.
Said the cousin: 'I had such a car once'.

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Date:    Thu, 18 Apr 2002 12:08:28 -0700
From:    F.I.Goldhaber <figold@ATTBI.COM>
Subject: Frog Man (adult)

A man sat at a barstool and plopped a frog down on the bar. The bartender
says, "What in the world are you doin'  with that frog?"

"Why I'm going to sell it for $100", replied the man.

"What's so special about that frog?"

"This frog eats pussy," exclaimed the man.

A few minutes later in walks  a  beautiful woman.

She asked, "What are you doing with that frog?"

"Why its for sale maa'm, this frogs eats pussy. And I'll let you have it for
$100."

"I'll take it", shouted the  woman  as she threw down $100.

"Ok ma'am, here's the frog and my phone number in case you have any
problems."

The  woman  took the frog home, laid down spread eagle,  naked in bed and
prodded the frog. Nothing happened. She poked the frog and nothing. It
didn't move. She called the man who sold her the frog. "This frog won't do
anything, I want my money back"

The man said, "Hold it, I'll be right there, give me your address." The man
heads straight for the lady's home.

He walks in and sure enough the frog is not doing anything. It just sits
there.

Then the man says to the frog, "All right, I'm going to show you this just
one more time."

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Date:    Fri, 19 Apr 2002 01:40:11 -0400
From:    The Punk with the Stutter <thepunkwiththestutter@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: Remarks by the President

PRESIDENT BUSH CALLS ON WORLD'S ARABIACS TO
ABSTAIN FROM BLOWING THEMSELVES INTO DOG FOOD

For Immediate Release
Office of the Press Secretary
April 17, 2002  - 1:22 P.M. (EST)

THE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon.  Today, despite my administration's best efforts to
introduce a foolproof plan to bring peace to the Israeloids and the Palestinos, I am
disappointed to report that Secretary of State Powell is returning to America from the
Middle East today having made no discernable progress.  That means he struck out.  Blew
it.  Choked.  Of course, the silver lining is now that Colin's had himself a thick slice
of the humble pie, maybe he'll drop that little "uppity" routine of his.  I'm hoping so,
anyway.

Today, with traditional and girlishly formal approaches having failed, I'm taking it upon
myself to tackle this situation with my own trademark brand of folksy, irascible, Joe
Sixpack diplomacy.  And so, without further to-do, I'm going to read this brief statement
I scribbled down late last night on several cocktail napkins from the Air Force One press
saloon.

(Expectorates.)

I am now talking directly to the Arabiacs of the world.  Of course, by "directly," I mean
"through the television cameras" - since the Secret Service won't let any of you people
within a quarter mile of me without shaving you down, delousing you, and shipping you off
to Cuba.  Now I know you all are jealous of the Israeloids for having those billions of
dollars worth of cool American weapons.  Nobody's faulting you for that.  They are indeed
cool.  But what you all need to get through your thick turbans is that we barely
discriminate when we hand out weapons.  We'll give them to anyone - even the Arabianish -
in exchange for tepid promises of friendship.  Hell, we used to give guns to Iraq.  And
you know what?  I'm looking forward to the day when we're dishing them out fast and
furious to all you all.  Trouble is, the pansy Democratic Congress isn't going to let me
do that until you people quit strapping TNT to your bellies and blowing yourselves into
dog food all the time.  I mean, why would you want to do that?  I thought Arabesians
didn't even like dogs.  So why in hell do you wanna go so spraying chunks of your carcass
all over town like that?  I know dogs, and I know they don't discriminate.  One piece of
blowfly-covered meat baking in the sun next to an open sewer is just as good to them as
any other, and they will scarf your scattered remains down faster than you can say "Allah
Jihad." And who can blame them?  I once tasted Arabenian food, and it didn't hold a candle
to a can of American Alpo - so I can only guess how lousy your dog food is.

So I'm gonna say it again - you Arabiacs quit blowing yourself into Fido kibble, and we'll
see to it that Palestastan gets made into a country, and then we'll get all your asses set
up with monster arsenals of cutting-edge weaponry made in the good old US of A.  Sure, I
realize that those weapons will probably be used against us when you inevitably begin to
chafe again over the fact that our vacuous, sex-saturated culture is like a million times
more popular than your dumb and boring caveman lifestyle.  But hey, that's how it works -
and by the time that happens, I'll probably be out of office.  So please, get with the
program, if only so that I might exploit your temporary suppression of the tenets of your
inherently violent false religion as a personal political triumph which will no doubt help
cement passage of my enormous package of business-friendly domestic initiatives.  And
that's good stuff for you people and me both!

Thank you, and God Bless.
___    ___    ___    ___    ___    ___    ___
2001-2002 - a chickenhead productions parody



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