Digest for Wednesday, April 17, 2002

There are 11 messages totalling 403 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. What God gave man
  2. OUCH!!!
  3. Senior Discounts - Fair?
  4. The Ticket
  5. Short history of medicine
  6. Osama Bin Humor
  7. Humor - Encyclopedias
  8. Pessimists Daily Affirmations
  9. Redneck neighbor
  10. Take your clothes off
  11. Tune In, Turn On


Date:    Wed, 17 Apr 2002 05:37:24 -0700
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: What God gave man

Seems God was just about done with creating the universe but he had
two extra things left over in his bag so he decided to split them
between Adam and Eve.

He told them that one of the things he had left was a thing that would
allow  the owner to pee while standing up. "It's a very handy thing,"
God told them, "and I was wondering if either one of you would like that."

 Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged "Oh, give that to me! I'd
 love to be able to do that. It seems just the sort of thing a man should
 be able to do. Please. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me." On and on he went
 like an excited little boy. So Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam
 really wanted it so badly, he should have it.

 So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee while standing up
 and he was so excited. He whizzed on the bark of a tree and then went
 off to write his name in the sand, laughing with delight all the while.

God and Eve watched him for a moment and then God said to Eve,
"Well, here's the other thing and I guess you can have it."
"What's it called?" Eve asked.

"Brains" God said.

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Date:    Wed, 17 Apr 2002 07:11:55 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: OUCH!!!

Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to
   do the dishes?
A. Both of them.

Q. Why did the man cross the road?
A. He heard the chicken was a slut.

Q. Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A. They don't have time.

Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. They don't stop and ask for directions.

Q. What do men and sperm have in common?
A. They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys TWO cases of beer.

Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A. The bonds mature.

Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.

Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.

Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and
A. They already have boyfriends.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married
   women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A. They're married.

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Date:    Wed, 17 Apr 2002 08:32:14 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <PBenoit@COOKSONELECTRONICS.COM>
Subject: Senior Discounts - Fair?

ACLU Sues to Eliminate Senior Discounts

BALTIMORE, MD - If you are a senior citizen and you've grown
accustomed to getting a small discount when you shop at Walmart
or eat at Denny's, then you'd better be prepared to start paying
full price if the ACLU has its way. Attorneys for the ACLU have
filed a Federal Discrimination Lawsuit that seeks to bar U.S.
businesses from giving senior discounts.

Karl Lennin, an ACLU attorney told BNN, "The senior discount is
one of the worst examples of discrimination in America. It unfairly
punishes younger Americans and gives preferential treatment to
seniors for no other reason than their age. This is immoral and
illegal. That is why we are calling on the courts to uphold current
anti-discrimination laws and put an end to this discriminatory

Patrick Henry, a spokesman for the U.S. Chamber of Retailers opposes
the ACLU's lawsuit. Said Henry, "If there is something good happening
in America, wait five minutes and the ACLU will file a lawsuit to stop
it. Their lawsuit is not only frivolous, but shows just how mentally
bent this organization has become." Henry defended the practice of
giving seniors a discount by saying, "If a company wants to give a
little perk to seniors by giving them a small discount, then that is
showing respect to a group of people who deserve it. Hasn't the ACLU
heard the saying 'Respect Your Elders'?"

The ACLU's Karl Lennin disagrees. Asked Lennin, "Why should a person
whose lived a few more miserable years than another person be allowed
to pay $5.00 for a meal that everyone else has to pay $6.00? That is
nothing more than arbitrary preferential treatment. We don't let
retailers give preferential treatment to people because of their skin
color, why should we let them do it because of a person's age? That's
called discrimination and its against the law."

          (c) BNN Bogus News Network

Veni, Vidi, Vegi:  I came, I saw, I had a salad.

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Date:    Wed, 17 Apr 2002 08:51:11 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: The Ticket

A man and his girlfriend were in their car, and things were really
getting hot.  So hot, they were not paying any attention to what
was going on outside. All of a sudden a policeman is tapping on
their window.

The cop could hardly contain himself. "Didn't you know that you
are not supposed to be having sex in public?" he asked the couple.

Being embarrassed they said yes, and apologized.

"Well," he said, "I still have to write you a ticket."

So the cop wrote the ticket and reminded them next time to watch
their behavior.

After getting dressed the girlfriend asked her boyfriend what the
cop wrote the ticket for.  He looked at the ticket and read,
"Doing 69 in a 35 mph speed zone!"


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Date:    Wed, 17 Apr 2002 08:41:27 -0500
From:    Tom and Carrol <tcr@CHARTER.NET>
Subject: Short history of medicine

Doctor, I have an earache.

2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

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Date:    Wed, 17 Apr 2002 15:04:38 +0000
From:    Randall Woodman <rwoodman@ATTBI.COM>
Subject: Osama Bin Humor

Why don't the members of Al Qaeda go out to bars?

Because they can get bombed at home.


What's the national bird of Afghanistan?



What's the most famous coffee in Afghanistan?

Osama bin Latte


Did you know they are taking out all the K-Marts in

They are putting in TARGETS!!!


Why did Osama bin Laden cross the road?

He didn't. They don't have roads.


What's the difference between bin Laden and Aladdin?

Aladdin had 3 wishes and bin Laden only has 1 - a death


What do Osama bin Laden and Custer have in common?

They both wondered where all those tomahawks were coming


What do bin Laden and Fred Flintstone have in common?

They both look out of their caves and see Rubble.


-=} Randall {=-  Custer was fitted for an Arrow shirt.

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Date:    Wed, 17 Apr 2002 11:06:45 -0300
From:    Ken Brousseau Sr <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Encyclopedias

Copied from another list.

>Working as a computer instructor for an adult-education program at a
>community college, I am keenly aware of the gap in computer
>knowledge between my younger and older students.
>My observations were confirmed the day a new student walked into our
>library area and glanced at the encyclopedia volumes stacked on a
>"What are all these books?" he asked.
>Somewhat surprised, I replied that they were encyclopedias.
>"Really?" he said. Someone printed out the whole thing?"

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Date:    Wed, 17 Apr 2002 08:12:02 -1000
From:    Mickey&Karen <mhenn@GTE.NET>
Subject: Pessimists Daily Affirmations

Don't try beating 'em or joining 'em. Either hang out
by yourself or quit.

Seek, and you shall be disappointed.

Knock, and the door shall be slammed in your face.

If you don't have anything nice to say, welcome to the

Did you ever sit back and evaluate your life and
think, "Wow, things are going just as I always wanted
them to?" I didn't think so -- me either.

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Date:    Wed, 17 Apr 2002 14:43:59 -0400
From:    Jimmy Farrar <jfarrar@UZUNCASE.COM>
Subject: Redneck neighbor

The site is too large to send so I'll send this link instead.  I can feel
this guy's pain!


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Date:    Wed, 17 Apr 2002 18:17:01 -0700
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Take your clothes off

+Got this from my friend Ana E. Muss+

   My wife was raised in Sweden, yet speaks English without an accent.  She does, however, sometimes confuse her idioms.
   One day a man entered the law office where she works as a secretary.  Using a Swedish phrase, but not quite translating it right, she asked, "May I help you take your clothes off?"
   Startled by her remark, the man stepped back.  Realizing what she had said and trying to put him at ease, she added, "It's okay, really.  I'm Swedish."

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Date:    Thu, 18 Apr 2002 01:24:22 -0400
From:    The Punk with the Stutter <thepunkwiththestutter@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: Tune In, Turn On

IT'S PILOT SEASON, the annual rite of developing new network television programs for the
fall, and, inevitably, the old will make way for the new.  Amidst the natural selection,
the careful observer notices certain durable programs which return year after year even
though they are not well adapted to their environment.  Despite their inadequate (viewer)
hunting skills, they are blessed with some amazing adaptation that allows them to avoid
the fate of the Stegosaurus and "Once and Again."

Let's take a look at the numbers.  According to the year 2000 census, the total population
of the United States of America is 281,421,906 people and about as many deer.  Of the
humans, the census tells us that 1,421,906 are Amish, homeless or otherwise too
pretentious to watch TV.  That leaves a conveniently round 280 million viewers.  So why do
so few of the 280 million Americans watch what I consider the three best shows on TV?

The three best shows on TV are among those obstinate programs that manage to survive
season upon season despite drawing a tiny percentage of the available viewing populace.
But when you look at the numbers, you'll see that these shows are in grave danger.  How
much longer can they hold on?  I hope that you'll make a commitment this week to start

"Friends" (NBC, 8 PM, Thursdays)
        On average, 17 million Americans have watched "Friends" each week this year.  That means
that approximately 263 million Americans are not watching it.  If you're one of the lucky
few who've learned to love these friends, do one of your friends a favor and tell him to
watch this show.

        Chandler, Rachel and the rest of the gang have engaged in a series of polymorphous
pairings for seven sexy seasons.  Still remarkably fresh for a network warhorse, "Friends"
has made it this far even though relatively no one is watching.  Don't let this show die.

"E.R." (NBC, 10 PM, Thursdays)
        Rumor has it that this season will be the last for calm, compassionate, competent Dr.
Mark Green (Anthony Edwards), a character I wish more of you had given yourselves the
opportunity to know.  You see, almost 16 million Americans watch "E.R." every Thursday,
but 264 million are denied the soothing reassurance of office hours with Dr. Green.  Do we
fans dare to hope that the show will catch fire in the next few weeks?

"Frasier" (NBC, 8 PM, Tuesdays)
        Dr. Frasier Crane (Kelsey Grammer) is that rarest of TV birds: a character that just
keeps on growing.  Surrounded by the best supporting cast on television, Frasier tangles
himself (and us) in some bizarre comical dilemma and then finds his way out, keeping the
audience laughing all the way, 26 Tuesdays a year.  What a pity, then, that out of 280
million potential viewers, only a comparative handful (14 million) get to see Grammer's
antics.  As Frasier himself might say with his characteristic smart-man accent, "It's the
saddest thing since Madame Butterfly…"

        I can't complete the quote because I'm not, and no one could be, as erudite and witty as
Frasier Crane.  But you can make a move the brilliant doctor would approve of: Save this
show before its luck runs out.
__   __   __   __   __   __   __   __
Copyright 2002 Modern Humorist, Inc.

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