Digest for Tuesday, April 16, 2002

There are 11 messages totalling 502 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Puns of the Weak 04/12/02 (Part 4)
  2. Hows your eyesight?
  3. Rules of Life.....
  4. "The check is in the mail," The Old Perfesser assented.
  5. The Charade Player
  6. Well, isnt this nice!
  7. Holy Back-up
  8. Getting worse
  9. Public Poem
  10. Hunting Trip
  11. This Weeks News In Brief


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Date:    Tue, 16 Apr 2002 00:21:54 -0700
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Puns of the Weak 04/12/02 (Part 4)

                        LONGER PUNS:

 •Wife to husband: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of
the night?"  "I was golfing with friends, my dear." "WHAT? At 2 a.m.?!"
"Yes dear, we used night clubs." (LOL)•
 •A business man called a travel agent and had a question about the
documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion
about passports, the travel agent reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh,
no, I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of
those." The travel agent double checked, and sure enough, his stay
required a visa. When the travel agent told him this , he said, "Look,
I've been to China four times and everytime they have accepted my
American Express or MasterCard. (G S Angel)•
 •It was at a cocktail party, and the guy was getting nowhere with a
really stunning blonde. Finally, he consulted the host - a buddy - about
the situation and the latter thought a bit, then said, "Look let me mix
her up one of my special Zombies. It'll get her so stiff that she'll go
to bed with ya just like your wife." "Hell, no." reacted the guy. "I
don't want her THAT stiff." (Mitch Webb)•
 •A lion gulped down seven missionaries-- each of a different
denomination. Not having any Rolaids handy, the only way the lion could
get relief was to have an ecumenical movement. (Dale Radke)•
 •Asked by his teacher to spell "straight," the third-grade boy did so
without error. "Excellent," said the teacher, "now, what does it mean?"
"Without water." (Dim Wit)•
 •A report says the marriage rate is at its lowest level in 4 decades. A
good relationship requires give and take. The wife takes the husband
with a grain of salt. The husband gives up sex. (Ray)•

                        FOR ADULTS ONLY:

   •On the Internet they found romance
 That put both in a hot sexual trance,
        But each had a gripe
        About having to type
 With a hand stuck down into the pants.  (Mitch Webb)•

 •What's the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman?  You
can always unscrew a lightbulb.  (Richard Lederer) •
 •Seersucker: A person who blows clairvoyants.  (Uncle Cletus)•
 •Two choir girls were sleeping together They were playing hymns. (Paul Benoit)•
 •"Larry and Karen are getting a divorce." "You're kidding! I thought
they had so much in common." "Actually, that's the problem. They both
like pussy." (Mitch Webb)•
 •Have you heard about the cannibal who always ate everything that was
placed on his plate?  He had a ball.  (Richard Lederer) •
 •How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. Men will
screw anything. (Mike Spence) .•
 •What's the difference between a baby boy and an opera director? A baby
boy sucks his fingers. (Pure Humor)•
 •"If my girlfriend worships my scrotum, is she sac-religious?", asked
Tom, as he offered up a new teste-mint. (David Reihmer)•
 •Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways is going to Bangkok
(Gary Taylor)•
 •Egghead: What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty.  (The Playful Kitty)•
 •During a Biology class, the teacher asked the class, "Why is it that
during childhood girls tend to grow taller than guys?" A student
replied, "That's because guys have 'balls,' and that weighs them down."
The teacher, a bit annoyed, responded, "Then why is it that at maturity
guys tend to grow taller than gals?" The student countered by saying,
"That's because gals get breasts and they are heavier than the guy's
balls." (Mitch Webb) •
 •What do you call a redneck with sheep under each arm?  A pimp! (Daily Groaner)•
 •What should you never call an intergalactic moving company?
Uranus-Hertz.  (Gill Krebs)•
 •What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? Hold on to your nuts,
This  is going to be a hell of a blowjob!   (Tom’s Berlesque) •
 • Why can't Ms. Piggy count to 70?  Because when she reaches 69, she
gets a frog in her throat. (Ed Hexter)•
 •Is a seer who practices auto-erotic gratification a self-fullfilling
prophet? (Hojimoji)•
 •A young woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about
condoms. She answered, "Well, that depends on what's in it for me."
(Rodney and Cathy)•
 •What is 6.9? Good sex interrupted by a period. (Unladylike Laughs)•
 •What do elephants and paint have in common? They both come in buckets.
(Paul's Pure Humor)•
 •Why is 77 better then 69?  Because you get eight more. (Dalisha)•
 •Tonto, scouting for the Lone Ranger, puts his head to the ground,
listens carefully for a moment before turning to The Lone Ranger and
announcing: "Bull come here" "How can you tell?" "Face sticky." (The Newcomer)•
 •How do you piss off Winnie The Pooh? By sticking your finger in his
honey. (Kegel Archives)•
 •Herr Fokker, the warplane maker in WWII, had a mom who was really
strict and demanding. Yep, she was a real Mother Fokker. (Leisure Suit
Larry 7, Love For Sail.)•
 •The English cricket team has accepted a new sponsorship deal from
Tampax. This is great news for English cricket! It will help them get
through tough periods and it'll mean they won't get fucked so often.
(Lorraine Bellis)•
 •Man who take woman on camping trip have one intent. (Fuhrman) •

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Date:    Tue, 16 Apr 2002 05:39:52 -0700
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: How's your eyesight?

"Yes," said Sam, "I saw him plainly take the goods."

The lawyer asked Sam again, "Sam, this happened at night.
Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?"

"Yes" said Sam, "I saw him do it."

Then the lawyer said, "Sam, listen, you are 80 years old
and your eyesight is probably pretty bad.  Just how far
can you see at night?"

Sam quickly replied, "I can see the moon, how far is that?"

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Date:    Tue, 16 Apr 2002 07:16:20 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Rules of Life.....

Thirty Basic Rules of Life:

1.  Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if
    he gets angry, he'll be a mile away and barefoot.

2.  A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

3.  If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried.

4.  My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

5.  Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

6.  It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

7.  I have found at my age going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of my
    face.

8.  For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

9.  Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

10. A closed mouth gathers no feet.

11. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

12. Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.

13. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

14. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

15. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

16. Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.

17. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

18. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

19. Middle age is when broadness of mind and narrowness of waist change
    places.

20. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

21. Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.

22. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

23. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

24. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a
    garage makes you a mechanic.

25. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake
    when you make it again.

26. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

27. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

28. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real
    world.

29. I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm
    in the bathroom.

30. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never
    cease to be amused

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Date:    Tue, 16 Apr 2002 08:08:51 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <PBenoit@COOKSONELECTRONICS.COM>
Subject: "The check is in the mail," The Old Perfesser assented.  <adult>

MrsPerfesser was taking her time browsing through everything at
a friend's yard sale, and said to her, "My husband is going to
be very angry when he finds out I stopped at a yard sale."

"I'm sure the old perfesser'll understand when you tell him about
all the bargains," MrsPerfesser's friend replied.

"Normally, yes," said MrsPerfesser.  "But he just broke his leg,
and he's waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have it set."

       -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

MrsPerfesser is getting a sentimental feeling while watching a
beautiful love scene in a movie.

The old perfesser leans over and whispers them three little words
that are on his mind: "The popcorn, honey?"

       -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

The old perfesser says to his doctor, "I can't sleep, but I can't
take pills, either."

The doctor says, "No problem. Here's a suppository with a sleeping
pill in it."

The next day the doctor calls the old perfesser and says, "So, did
it work?"

The old perfesser says, "It worked too well. I woke up with my finger
in my asshole."

       -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

"Supposedly I was created in God's image," the old perfesser was
saying at lunch the other day. "I ain't too sure, though... you'd
think God would have a bigger penis than this."

       -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

The old perfesser walks into a clinic to have his blood type taken.

The nurse goes about taking the sample from his finger; after finishing,
she looks around for a piece of cotton to wipe away the excess blood,
but can't find any, so she takes his finger and sucks it.

The old perfesser hmmmmms, then asks, "Do you think I could have a
urine test done?"


******************
If there was a tax on sex, I'd be gettin' a hefty refund check.
            - The Old Perfesser



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Date:    Tue, 16 Apr 2002 08:48:41 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: The Charade Player

The world's greatest charade player brags that he can guess any
charade.  A TV producer decides to use the charade player in a TV
special.  He issues a challenge offering the charade player a
million dollars to guess a very hard charade on television.  The
charade player agrees.

Comes the big night, all the world is watching.  The charade player
is sitting on stage in front of a curtain.  Music blares and the
curtain opens to reveal seven nude young women.

The second and fourth ladies are holding their breasts, while the
other five have their backs to him and are baring their behinds.

The charade player barely glances over them and says, "The William
Tell Overture by Rossini."

The flabbergasted producer says in awe, "You've done it!  That's
the correct answer.  You are indeed the greatest charade player!"
and he hands him a check for a million bucks.

Walking out, a reporter stops the charade player and ask him how
he did it.

"It's really simple," says the charade player.  "One look at the
positions of the seven women, and I realized it as the William
Tell Overture."

"Rump... titty... rump... titty... rump... rump... rump."

[Thanks to Mary Campbell]

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Tue, 16 Apr 2002 09:13:07 -0500
From:    Tom and Carrol <tcr@CHARTER.NET>
Subject: Well, isn't this nice!

Two delicate flowers of Southern womanhood (one of whom was from Texas) were
conversing on the porch swing of a large white-pillared mansion. The first
woman, who was not from Texas, said, "When my first child was born, my
husband built this beautiful mansion for me."

The Texas lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice??"

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought
me that fine Cadillac automobile you see parked in the drive."

Again, the Texas lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice??"

The first woman boasted "Then, when my third child was born, my husband
bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."

Yet again, the Texas lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice??"

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did you husband buy for you
when you had your first child?"

The Texas lady replied "My husband sent me to charm school."

"Charm school!", the first woman cried, "Land sakes, child, what on Earth
for?"

The Texas lady responded, "So that instead of saying who gives a crap?"  I
learned to say, 'Well, isn't that nice?'"

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Date:    Tue, 16 Apr 2002 11:25:05 -0400
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: Holy Back-up <adult>

One day this cabbie picked up a nun, and she was about the SLOWEST fare he
had ever run across in this 17 years on the job.  She must have taken
about 8 minutes to get into the cab, with all her packages and bundles.

So...the cabbie was in a real hurry and spun away from the curb into
traffic without so much as a fare-thee-well or even looking in his mirror.
This other cab came about THAT close to ramming him, and the second cabbie
started yelling and screaming at him:

"Hey, youse!  Think you so impo'tant with that big fat nun in yo' back
seat! You orta turn in yo' license and go back to drivin' school!"

The first cabbie responds:  "Oh, yeah?? Oh, YEAH??? Well, me and my big
fat nun says you can just kiss our arse!" and he quickly turns to
the back seat and adds quietly: "Ain't that right, sister?"


---------------
"A word to the wise is not necessary...it's the stupid who need advice."
        --attributed to Bill Cosby

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Date:    Tue, 16 Apr 2002 08:56:36 -1000
From:    Mickey&Karen <mhenn@GTE.NET>
Subject: Getting worse<adult & lang>

A few years ago, my doctor diagnosed me with CRS -
Can't Remember Shit.

Yesterday, he gave me the bad news that I now have the more advanced
stage of the disease - CRAFT -

Can't Remember A Fucking Thing !

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Date:    Tue, 16 Apr 2002 21:02:45 +0200
From:    Th. Legters <tlegters@XS4ALL.NL>
Subject: Public Poem

Yesterday I took the train to Amsterdam
But they saw me
And I had to give it back.

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Date:    Tue, 16 Apr 2002 20:14:02 +0000
From:    Randall Woodman <rwoodman@ATTBI.COM>
Subject: Hunting Trip

Some men go on a hunting trip and separate into pairs. That
evening one hunter, Sam, returned to camp alone toting a 12
point buck. "Where's George?" one of the men asked, noticing
that Sam had returned alone.

"He's about 6 miles back. He tripped and broke his ankle. I left
him there 'cause I figured ain't nobody 'bout to steal him."

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=} Randall {=-  You may be redneck if your best suit includes an orange hunting vest.

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Date:    Wed, 17 Apr 2002 01:46:17 -0400
From:    The Punk with the Stutter <thepunkwiththestutter@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: This Week's News In Brief

That Guy From That One Show Not Looking So Hot

ERIE, PA— That guy who plays the main guy on that one show isn't looking so hot, sources
close to the TV set reported Tuesday.  "It looks like he gained, like, 40 pounds or
something," said Erie resident Doug Knauss, watching the show.  "He looks all puffed out
and tired with those bags under his eyes."  Knauss noted that the big movie the guy was in
a couple years back completely tanked, so that might have done a real number on him.


Doctor, Patient Have Wildly Different Definitions Of Word 'Hope'

WESTBROOK, ME— Terminally ill patient Wayne Lund and his physician have wildly differing
definitions of the word "hope," it was revealed Monday.  "Dr. [Robert] Petrakis said
there's hope," said Lund, recently diagnosed with Wyckoff-Kleiner Disease, a rare
degenerative brain condition that is 99.5 percent fatal.  "If that's the case, I'm gonna
beat this thing."  Said Petrakis: "I told him, 'There's always hope... miracles do
happen.'  So, technically, I guess there's hope.  But not really."


Area Man Has No Idea Where To Get Envelope

NEW BERN, NC— In need of an envelope to mail his March telephone bill, Jordan Phills, 26,
reported Monday that he has no idea where to get one.  "Is there such thing as an
'envelope store'?" Phills asked.  "I honestly have no clue how to go about getting an
envelope, except by snagging one off somebody."  Phills added that the envelope hunt would
not have been necessary had his roommate not spilled coffee all over the pre-addressed
envelope enclosed with the monthly bill.


Teen Worried About Friend Who Tried Pot

ARVADA, CO— Steve Vandervelt, 16, an Arvada High School honors student, expressed grave
concern Tuesday for friend Todd Wolk, who experimented with marijuana at a party the
previous weekend.  "They say pot's a 'gateway drug,'" Vandervelt told Wolk.  "And even if
it doesn't lead to cocaine and more serious stuff, doing pot can still really mess up your
brain."  Vandervelt offered to speak to Mrs. Logan, the school's health-ed teacher, on
Wolk's behalf to get more information about the dangers of marijuana use.


Street Performer Dreams Of Performing On Streets Of Paris

ALBUQUERQUE, NM— Dave Bosio, 20, an aspiring singer-songwriter who plays guitar on the
streets of Albuquerque, dreams of one day playing for spare change on the streets of
Paris.  "To play on the Champs-Elysées, that'd be a dream come true," Bosio said Monday.
"Or someplace along the Left Bank.  That'd be so much better than Copper Avenue."  Bosio
then launched into an off-key version of Bob Marley's "Redemption Song."


Bush To Sacrifice Own Life For Good Of Nation

WASHINGTON, DC— Displaying the selfless courage that has defined his presidency, President
Bush announced Tuesday that he will heroically lay down his life that the rest of the
nation may live on.  "It is the only way," Bush said.  "The needs of the many outweigh the
needs of the few.  I must, therefore, die to preserve future generations."  Over the
vociferous objections of his closest Cabinet members, Bush brushed aside their
outstretched arms, repeating, "It is the only way."
___   ___   ___   ___   ___
© Copyright 2002 Onion, Inc.



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