Digest for Monday, April 15, 2002

There are 12 messages totalling 528 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Puns of the Weak 04/12/02 (Part 3)
  2. CIA Sends Warm Birthday Wishes, Free Ice Cream to Deceased Hijacker
  3. What would you do?
  4. Think And Enjoy Life!
  5. Tax Relief
  6. A penny saved.....
  7. Doctor, doctor
  8. Biblical Laws (Pos. Off. to Christians)
  9. Remarks by the President to Assembled Boston Papists
  10. Understanding Taxes
  11. Light pollution


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Date:    Mon, 15 Apr 2002 01:14:03 -0700
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Puns of the Weak 04/12/02 (Part 3)

                        ONE-LINERS:

 •Do light eaters prefer bulbs? (Stan Kegel)•
 •If Cher were to get cloned, would she be Cher and Cher alike? (Renee
from Napa)•
 •I put a French art museum on my home page so surfers can experience
Louvre at first site. (Megan Waves)•
 •Blessed are the cheesemakers for they shall get their whey. (Douglas Helsel)•
 •That's a glass eye? Why, I didn't real eyes. (Daniel Reihs)•
 •A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy. (Jokes Galore)•
 •On the moon, an administrator has no trouble reducing the weight of
the masses.  (Daniel Reihs)..•
 •If I had twins and they were boys, I'd name them Peter and Repeater.
If they were girls, I'd name them Kate and Duplicate. (Smaller the Better).•
 •Show me a herd of cattle with a sense of humor and I’ll show you a
laughing stock.  (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)  •
 •If people ever make a robotic parking attendant, I  figure its name
could be silicon valet.  (Douglas Helsel)  •
 •Now there is solo wrestling for people who need to get a grip on
themselves. (Renee from Napa)•
 •Wherever you find four Irishmen, you'll always find a Fifth (Renee
from Napa)•
 •They found Jimmy Hoffa! He's working in the maternity ward of the
Bronx Hospital, organizing labor! (Bree Schultz)•
 •My mother-in-law is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going
through her mental pause. (Bree Schultz)•
 •Marriage is the mourning after the knot before. (Jokes Galore)•
 •Does killing time damage eternity? (Bree Schultz)•
 •The cow who ate too many blueberries mooed indigo  (Richard Lederer
and James Ertner)•
If I don't see you in the future, I'll see you in the pasture (Renee
from Napa)•
 •Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome. (Jokes Galore)•
 •The economy is still pretty tough. My brother quit his job at the salt
and pepper factory. The work was too seasonal. (Garry)•
 •In 1901 Stockings were first sold, and there was a run on them.
(Patrick Kincaid)•
 •I have a dog that frequently travels overseas. He's a jet setter.
(Richard Lederer and James Ertner) •
 •Wisconsin: Smell our dairy air! (Bree Schultz) •
 •Always take a calendar with you.  If you get stranded, you can eat the
dates and the sundaes, and drink from the spring. (Tim Breuning)•
 •At the bottom of the Bermuda Triangle is a wreck tangle. (Jan Hyde)•
 •Show me a milk man in high heels and I'll show you a Dairy Queen
(Renee from Napa)•
 •Beware of the dreaded Amish Flu! First you get a little hoarse. Then
you get a little buggy. (Bree Schultz)•
 •I'm a light eater. As soon as it's light, I start to eat.  (Art Donovan)•
 •Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister.  (Bree Schultz)•
 •That nice steam-roller-operator is such a flatterer . (Daniel Reihs)..•

                        FOR THE CHILDREN:

 •Why does a dog turn around twice before lying down? Because one good
turn deserves another. (Zach, 9)•
 •What did the doc say when he finished the operation? "That's enough
out of you." (Bree Schultz)•
 •What did one comet say to the other comet? Glad to meteor. (Danny Perry)•
 •What kind of sandwich is Dracula afraid of? A Stake sandwich (Jenny, 9)•
 •What do bees do with their honey? They cell it (Lederer &  Ertner) •
 •What do you call a song sung in an automobile? A Car Tune (Zach, 9)•
 •What is a giraffe's favorite type of story? A tall tale  (Danny Perry)•
 •What do you get if you cross a boa constrictor with a lamb? A
wrap-around sweater (Rosa, 9)•
 •What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight? Sir Render (John, 8)•
 •What did one worm say to the other worm? “Where on earth have you
been?” (Arturo)•
 •Why don't skeletons go scuba diving? They haven't got the guts. (Danny Perry)•
 •What animal do you look like when you are in the shower? A little
bear.  (Lederer & Ertner)•
 •What happens when a queen bee falls in love? She holds on to her honey (Jonathan,7)•
 •Why do adults  tell stupid jokes? Because they are groan-ups.  (Danny Perry)•
 •What did the shoe salesman get when he was fired? The boot (Sarah, 10)•
 •Why do bees hum? hey don't know the words  (Lederer & Ertner) •
 •What did the witch’s cat want before going to bed? A sorcerer of milk
(Sarah, 9)•
 •Where do pig astronauts travel? In snouter space (Puja, 11)•
 •What happened to the two silkworms in a race? They wound up in a tie.
(Danny Perry)•
 •What did the unhappy doe ask the bank teller? “Can I change this
buck?” (Matisse, 9 & Fiona, 8)•
 •Why wouldn’t the bicycles move? Because they were two-tired.
(Danielle, 9)•

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Date:    Mon, 15 Apr 2002 05:36:34 -0400
From:    Rollo Tomasi <rollotomasi@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: CIA Sends Warm Birthday Wishes, Free Ice Cream to Deceased Hijacker

MIAMI -- In keeping with last month's INS and FAA blunders, a third federal agency has now
attempted to deliver mail to a hijacker, this time in the form of a birthday greeting card
sent from the CIA to known terrorist Ziad Samir Jarrah along with a coupon for a free
Baskin Robbins single scoop waffle cone.

In an official statement to the press, the CIA defended itself, asserting the birthday
mailing program was intended exclusively for kids who signed in at the CIA's Homepage for
Kids and was based solely on an automated database of names and birth dates.

"We thought it would be a nice thing to start doing.  We didn't know the whole thing would
come back to bite us in the ass," said Director of Central Intelligence George Tenet,
"Sending out birthday cards, letting people know we care.  There's no I in CIA, that's
what we like to say around here.  Well, I mean, there is, of course, but that's what we
like to say."

The front of the card bore the CIA logo and read, "Now You're 10!" and when opened, wished
the "Little Spy" a "Very Happy and Drug-Free Birthday!"

"It was nice to know they were thinking of him, even though he's been dead for months,"
said Ziad's roommate Zak Jazikazikastah, "But I am incensed by the free ice cream coupon.
Everybody knew Ziad was lactose intolerant! The American pig-dog government shall soon
realize the full wrath of Allah!!"

On a side note, after mailing in his application eight months ago, news sources revealed
that Mohammed Atta was recently approved for an NSA Visa Gold card with a credit limit of
50,000 dollars.
___
© 2002 National Lampoon

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Date:    Mon, 15 Apr 2002 07:08:23 -0700
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: What would you do?

The shipwrecked mariner had spent several years on a deserted
island. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore
and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him.  When the boat
grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned
sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him, "The  captain said to
read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued."

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Date:    Mon, 15 Apr 2002 08:14:11 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Think And Enjoy Life!

How much does money really matter to some?

A boat docked in  a tiny outward village. An American tourist complimented
the local fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took
him to catch  them. "Not very long,"  answered the fisherman. "But then,
why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the American.

The man explained that his  small catch was sufficient to meet his needs
and those of his  family. The American asked, "But what do you do with the
rest of your time?"
"I sleep late, fish a  little, play with my children and take a siesta
with my wife. In the evenings I  go into the village to see my friends,
have a few drinks, play the guitar and sing a few songs. I have a full
life."

The American interrupted, "I have a M.BA. from Harvard and I can help you.
You should start by fishing  longer every day. You can then sell the extra
fish you catch. With the extra  revenue, you can buy a bigger boat. With
the extra money the larger boat will  bring, you can buy a second one and
a third one and so on until you have an  entire fleet of trawlers. Instead
of selling your fish to a middle man, you can  negotiate directly with the
processing plants and maybe even open your own  plant. You can then leave
this little village and move to the capital City, Los  Angeles or even New
York City! From there you can direct your  huge enterprise."
"How long would that  take?" asked the fisherman. "Twenty, perhaps
twenty-five years," replied the American. "And after that?"
"Afterwards? That's when  it gets really interesting," answered the
American, laughing. "When  your business gets really big, you can start
selling stocks and make  millions!"
"Millions? Really? And  after that?"
"After that you'll be  able to retire, live in a tiny village near the
coast, sleep late, play with  your children, catch a few fish, take a
siesta with your wife and spend your  evenings drinking and playing the
guitar with your friends!"

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Date:    Mon, 15 Apr 2002 09:03:59 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Tax Relief

What's the difference between the IRS and a proctologist?
Eventually a proctologist gets off your ass.
            <><><><><><><><><>
The IRS likes people to use the E-Z 1040 form.  Under their
system, A-D are automatically withheld from your alphabet.
            <><><><><><><><><>
This guy walks into the auditor's office, the auditor looks at him
and says, "Please Mr. Johnson, take a seat.  We already own a
piece of yours."
            <><><><><><><><><>
What's the difference between an audit and a circumcision?
At a circumcision, they only keep ninety percent.
            <><><><><><><><><>
On the movie set, the special effects guy is explaining a prop gun
to the famous blond actress.  The prop guy says, "For the last
time, if you point this gun and shoot it, no one will get hurt.
It's filled with blanks.  When have you ever heard of anyone
getting killed by a blank?"

The actress replied, "My husband, last year, when he filled out
our tax forms."

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Mon, 15 Apr 2002 07:57:25 -0500
From:    Tom and Carrol <tcr@CHARTER.NET>
Subject: A penny saved.....

A man was eating a meal at a restaurant. He checks=20
his pockets and leaves his tip -- three pennies.=20
As he strides toward the door, his waitress muses,=20
only half to herself,  "You know, you can tell a lot=20
about a man by the tip he leaves."=20

The man turns around, curiosity getting the better of=20
him.  "Oh, really? Tell me, what does my tip say?"=20

"Well, this penny tells me you're a thrifty man."=20

Barely able to conceal his pride, the man utters,=20
"Hmm, true enough."=20

"And this penny, it tells me you're a bachelor."=20
=20
Surprised at her perception, he says, "Well, that's true, too."=20

"And the third penny tells me that your father was one, too."=20

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Date:    Mon, 15 Apr 2002 16:04:13 +0200
From:    Th. Legters <tlegters@XS4ALL.NL>
Subject: Doctor, doctor

A lady says to her doctor: 'Please doc, my hair is falling out. Do you
have something for me?'
The doctor contemplates, then says: 'Yes, here's a little box'.

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Date:    Mon, 15 Apr 2002 14:26:00 +0000
From:    Randall Woodman <rwoodman@ATTBI.COM>
Subject: Biblical Laws (Pos. Off. to Christians)

I'm just forwarding this... I've got no proof of authenticity!

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a US radio personality who dispenses advice
to people who call in to her radio show.  Recently, she said that, as
an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to
Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.

The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a US resident,
which was posted on the Internet.  It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law.  I
have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that
knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend
the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that
Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination.  End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other
specific laws and how to follow them.

1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a
pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev. 1:9. The problem is my neighbors.
They claim the odor is not pleasing to them.  Should I smite them?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in
Exodus 21:7.  In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair
price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her
period of menstrual cleanliness - Lev.15:19-24.  The problem is, how do
I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and
female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations.  A friend
of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians.  Can
you clarify?  Why can't I own Canadians?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath.  Exodus
35:2 clearly states he should be put to death.  Am I morally obligated
to kill him myself?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than
homosexuality.  I don't agree.  Can you settle this?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have
a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses.
Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair
around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.
19:27.  How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes
me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two
different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments
made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend).  He
also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we
go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them?
- Lev.24:10-16.  Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private
family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws?
(Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you
can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal
and unchanging.

Your devoted disciple and adoring fan,

Jim

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=} Randall {=-  I am a Borg-again Christian. Resistance to my sermon is futile.

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Date:    Mon, 15 Apr 2002 08:08:15 -1000
From:    Mickey&Karen <mhenn@GTE.NET>
Subject: <No subject given>

Confusion is one woman plus one left turn;
Excitement is two women plus one secret;
Bedlam is three women plus one bargain;
Chaos is four women plus one lunch check

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Date:    Tue, 16 Apr 2002 00:11:31 -0400
From:    The Punk with the Stutter <thepunkwiththestutter@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: Remarks by the President to Assembled Boston Papists

For Immediate Release
Office of the Press Secretary
April 14, 2002  - 10:02 A.M. (EST)

PRESIDENT PUTS U.S. CATHOLICS ON NOTICE: "EITHER YOU ARE WITH US, OR YOU ARE WITH THE
CHILD MOLESTERS"

THE PRESIDENT: Good morning.  I want to thank you for inviting my wife and me to Boston,
and inviting us into your incense-saturated place of worship.  Laura sends her regrets, as
she opted to go to our regular church this morning, inasmuch as she's pretty serious about
going to heaven when she dies, and figures that any time spent with you people won't be
much help on that front.  Of course, normally I wouldn't be here myself, but my aides tell
me that this little cult you call a religion is experiencing a bit of a crisis, and that I
should take a break from ensuring a steady supply of cheap Arabiac oil and unfettered
snowmobiling in our national parks to give you folks some long overdue advice.

As you know, I'm a man who speaks his mind.  When I've got something to say, I don't waste
taxpayer dollars by pussyfooting around like some liberal pantywaist.  And so this
morning, I'm going to cut straight to the chase with you people.  If you're going to
worship Jesus Christ as the Lord and Savior, you've got to start doing it right, and stop
listening to a bunch of sissies in dresses who can't even get themselves a little slice of
poontang.  I mean, it's no accident that there aren't any priests or mon-señors on my
Presidential Prayer Squad.  Hell, we've known for decades that every last one of them
would rather be poking pre-teen poopers than preaching penitence.  And let's be honest
with each other for just a minute here - you folks knew it too.  Everyone knows you did -
which is why most folks are having one hell of a hard time feeling sorry for your
cannibalism-reenacting asses.

And so this morning, I'm putting the Catholics of America on notice.  Every papist, in
every state, now has a decision to make.  Either you're with us, or you're with the child
molesters.  From this day forward, any church that continues to harbor or support priests
will be regarded by the United States as hostile Christianity.  And I strongly suggest you
be against the molesters, for the sake of the children.  You see, children are the future
of America, especially if they're white, and it is our duty to protect them - all the way
from conception up until the moment they exit their mother's birth canal, at which point
they're responsible for receiving their own health care, except for random drug tests of
course, which are wholly necessary for establishing eligibility to participate in public
school activities such as "Christ Club," which I'm happy to report will soon be
greenlighted by Justice Rehnquist's Supreme Court.  So again, I urge you to renounce men
in dresses who purport to speak the words of Jesus, lest you happen to be eager to spend
an afternoon on the receiving end of an FBI body cavity search.

In closing, I want to offer requisite, albeit empty thanks to Cardinal Law for having me
here.  While I'm obliged to denounce both his bizarre lifestyle and professional
indiscretions, I nevertheless tip my hat to him for his determination to remain in office
despite overwhelming evidence of incompetence and severe misconduct.  Furthermore, I
understand that he is the Boston spokesperson for his disease - an arch disease.  As an
avid jogger myself, I know how important healthy arches are, and offer my semi-sincere
condolences to his dress-wearing holiness on that front.

Thank you all for your rapt attention, and God Bless.
__   __   __   __   __   __   __   __   __   __   __
©2001-2002 - a chickenhead productions parody



_________________________________________________________
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Date:    Mon, 15 Apr 2002 21:35:45 -0700
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: Understanding Taxes <Painful to working Americans>

UNDERSTANDING YOUR PAY CHECK:
Gross pay: $1222.02

Income Tax: $244.00
Outgo Tax: $45.21
State Tax: $61.10
Interstate Tax: $5.89
County Tax: $6.11
City Tax: $12.22
Rural Tax: $4.44
Back Tax: $1.11
Front Tax: $1.16
Side Tax: $1.61
Up Tax: $2.22
Down Tax: $1.11
Knicknack Tax: $1.98
Hackensac Tax: $3.92
Thumb Tax: $0.98
Carpet Tax: $0.69
Snack Tax: $8.32
Surtax: $3.46
Ma'am Tax: $3.46
Parking Fee $5.00
No Parking Fee: $10.00
F.I.C.A.: $81.88
T.G.I.F.: $9.95
Life Ins: $5.85
Health Insurance: $16.23
Disability Insurance: $2.50
Ability Insurance: $0.25
Liability Insurance: $3.41
Dental Insurance: $4.50
Mental Insurance: $4.33
Fundamental Insurance: $0.11
Coffee: $6.85
Coffee Cups: $66.51
Calendar Rental: $3.06
Floor Rental: $16.85
Chair Rental: $4.32
Desk Rental: $4.32
Union Dues: $5.85
Union Don'ts: $3.77
Cash Advances: $0.69
Cash Retreats: $121.35
Overtime: $1.26
Undertime: $54.83
Eastern Time: $9.00
Central Time: $8.00
Mountain Time: $7.00
Pacific Time: $6.99
Daylight Savings Time: $4.44
Time Out: $12.21
Oxygen: $10.02
Water: $16.54
Electricity: $38.23
Heat: $51.42
Air Conditioning: $46.83
Misc: $169.24

Take Home Pay: $0000.02
(Is this where the expression "just my 2 cents" came from?)
Sandy (AKA Ms Sam)
Chuckles of Choice Web Site
http://www.chucklesofchoice.com

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Date:    Mon, 15 Apr 2002 22:06:18 -0700
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Light pollution

 LIGHTS OUT: As if San Francisco's Presidio National Park didn't already have enough troubles, now the mayor of Tiburon has accused the park of "light pollution."  In a recent letter to the Presidio Trust management, Mayor Tom Gram says that about nine months ago, he noticed five or six bright lights mucking up his view from across the bay.
   Presidio officials told Gram that the lights were probably related to maintenance work on the Golden Gate Bridge. But Gram was skeptical, and months later he again called the Presidio to ask whether they had lights on any fields.
  "No" was the reply.
   Still unconvinced, Gram drove across the bridge at dusk one evening and tracked down the offending lights to Fort Winfield Scott baseball field at the Presidio.
   "It is my understanding that 'light pollution' is not allowed at the Presidio," Gram wrote. "Yet these lights are quite bright and very offensive, especially since they are viewed right next to the lights of the Golden Gate Bridge."
   Upshot: Gram has asked the Presidio to explain why the "environmental impacts" weren't publicly considered before the lights went up. He's also asking Presidio officials to "consider placing light baffles/shields on the offensive lights" and at the least, to readjust their angle.
   And what do the Presidio folks, who tell us the lights have been up since 1985, think of all this?  "Maybe he just has too much time on his hands," says spokesman Ron Sonenshine.

+Source: San Francisco Chronicle, Matier and Ross, April 14, 2002+


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