Digest for Sunday, April 14, 2002

There are 7 messages totalling 288 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Puns of the Weak 04/12/02 (Part 2)
  2. Jumpin to conclusions
  3. An OldFs prayer
  4. Stiffies
  5. Hitchhiker
  6. Sight unseen
  7. Jim Mullens Hot Sheet


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Date:    Sat, 13 Apr 2002 23:32:27 -0700
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Puns of the Weak 04/12/02 (Part 2)

                        BLOOPERS:

 •Andie MacDowell made her screen debut as the American ward of Lord
Greystoke who falls in love with Tarzan. (Jim Mica)•
 •Winners at the card party were William Davenport, a turkey, and Mrs.
Trudy Baker, a chicken. (Bree Schultz)•
 •I don't want to cast asparagus at my opponent! (Richard Lederer)•
 •Stiff Opposition Expected to Casketless Funeral Plan  (Bree Schultz) •
 •The only sure-fire way to avoid teenage pregnancy is through
obstenance (Richard Lederer).•
 •Milk Drinkers Are Turning to Powder  (Bree Schultz) •
 •Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. (Jokes Galore)•

                        POETRY

  •Sexy vixens come
 Through my TV late at night
 On nympho-mercials (Gary Hallock)•

 • If you "go with the flow" you will be
 Oh so happy, delighted and free
        Since changing to Euros
        That adage now goes:
 "You'd be wiser to follow the current", see! (Guy Ben-Moshe)•

  •Breakfast cereals
 Genetically enhanced flakes
 Goes against my grain  (Gary Hallock) •

  •Banana picker
 Sued boss for compensation
 Won case on a peel (Guy Ben-Moshe)•

                        DAILIES:

 •She didn't marry the gardener. Too rough around the hedges. (Pun of
the Day)•
 •When she snatched the remote control, he said it was a power grab. (Jumble)•
 •When the club was sold out, the jazz quartet enjoyed a jammed session.
 (Jumble)•
 •After knawing away, Fido felt dog tired (Jumble)•
 •Runnin' with the Devil has been know to cause covered vehicles used by
tradesmen for the transportation of light goods to fall from the sky.
Seek shelter if you notice this type of Van Hailen (The Big Pun)•
 •Incontinence Hotline...Can you hold, please (E4Fun)•
 •I get plenty of exercise - jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck,
and dodging deadlines. (E4Fun)•
 •Sailors like to seas opportunities (Pun of the Day)•
 •Old sailors never die -- they just don't get the drift? (Pun of the Day)•
 • When he went sky-diving, it was a leap of faith. (Jumble)•
 • Safe company ad: "If your stuff is stolen, it's not our vault." (Very Punny)•
 •I tried desperately to make a loaf of wheat bread, but the whole thing
went arye. (The Big Pun)•
 •At the beach a bathing beauty is considered to be a girl worth wading
for. (The Daily Groaner)•
 •There was a baseball player who was a thief. He was always trying to
steal. (Pun of the Day)•
 •Finding out after the his statistics test that data collected by
retired gnomes who used   to support themselves by catching wild animals
cannot be used to estimate data outside the domain, the student
exclaimed, "No ex trap? Oh late! (The Big Pun)•
 •The lonely chess player asked that his mail order bride be wrapped in
plastic.  He was tired of stalemates. (Very Punny)•
 •Two foxes chasing four rabbits decided to split hares (Pun of the Day)•
 •The poet had written better poems, but he'd also written verse (Pun of
the Day)•
 •To find the chocolate chips that Mom hid takes a smart cookie.  (Jumble)•
 •Poor blood circulation runs through the family (Pun of the Day)•
 •Sign in an Egyptian funeral parlour: "Satisfaction guaranteed   or
your mummy back." (Very Punny)•
 •What do you call a sausage that has been stolen? A missing link (The
Daily Groaner)•
 •What would happen if Satan lost his hair? There would be hell toupee.
(The Daily Groaner)•

                        COMICS:

 •Secret Recipes of the Rich and Famous: “First, we visit a famous
cellist who plays Bach while fixing her favorite omelet. “Baroque ‘n
eggs!” (Frank & Ernest: Bob Thames)•
 •Father: “The man who marries my daughter is getting a prize.” Suitor:
“Could I see the prize?” (Family Circus: Billy Keane) •
 •Secret Recipes of the Rich & Famous: And a renowned mathematician
shows us how to make a rectangular lemon meringue. “Pie Squared” (Frank
& Ernest; Bob Thaves)•
 •Dog wearing a stethoscope listening to a woman, “Wait, Let me guess.
You learned how to heal today in dog class.” (Mother Goose & Grimm: Mike Peters)•
 •Interviewer: “How long have you been King?” Caption: Reign Check
(Family Circle: Bill Keane)•
 •“Uncle Cosmos, you’ve been staring at that phone for hours.” “What?
You’ve never heard of call waiting?” (Shoe: Cassatt & Brookins)•
 •Secret Recipes of the Rich & Famous: Then a Shakespeare scholar makes
the most magnificient Caesar Salad:  “The noblest Romaine of them all!”
(Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)•
 •Picture of 4 children giving gifts to 4 other children. Caption:”Four
give and Four get”  Cartoonist to his son: “We can’t use this, Billy
it’s nothing but a pun.” (Family Circle: Bill Keane)•

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Date:    Sun, 14 Apr 2002 13:58:38 +0200
From:    Th. Legters <tlegters@XS4ALL.NL>
Subject: Jumpin to conclusions

Two guys, John and Jake,  are training the art of parachutism.
At 12 000 feet, they jump out of the plane.
By pulling the yellow cord, the parachute should unfold.
This does happen to John. Gently he floats in the air.
Unfortunately this doesn't happen to Jake, no matter how hard he pulls
the yellow string, nothing happens. He's fallen straight down to earth.
John shouts to him: 'Don't make a fuss of it, it's just a practice
jump!'

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Date:    Sun, 14 Apr 2002 07:06:21 -0700
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: An OldF's prayer

                           Now I lay me down to sleep.
                        I pray the Lord my shape to keep.
                       Please no wrinkles, please no bags-
                    And, please lift my butt before it sags.
                      Please no age spots, please no gray-
                   And, as for my tummy, please take it away.
                  Please keep me healthy, please keep me young-
                  And, thank you Dear Lord for all you've done!

                            THE TRUTH IN 13 WORDS...
                 Inside every older person is a younger person
                         wondering what the hell happened.

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Date:    Sun, 14 Apr 2002 08:30:21 -0500
From:    Tom and Carrol <tcr@CHARTER.NET>
Subject: Stiffies

A man came walking up to the house when he noticed his grandfather =
sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the =
waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
=20
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the =
waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said,  "Well, last week I sat out =
here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's =
idea.

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Date:    Sun, 14 Apr 2002 12:05:18 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Hitchhiker

Two guys in a pickup truck were driving home one day, when
they see a dirt road that was big enough for only one vehicle.
They debated a while whether or not to explore what was down
there. In the end, they decided to go for it.

After driving down the road for a while, they saw a blonde, Judi
by name (notice the cute spelling using an "i" instead of a "y"),
standing on the side of the road.  She asked for a ride, and they
agreed, so she hopped in the back of truck.

They continued driving down the road, when all of a sudden a
semi-truck was coming right towards them.  They swerved off
the road and ended up in a river.

The two guys got out in time, but they didn't see Judi.  They
started to think the worst and feared she died.  A few minutes
later, she suddenly appeared and they incredulously asked her
what happened.

She replied breathing hard, "I couldn't get the tailgate open!"

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Sun, 14 Apr 2002 14:58:31 -0700
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Sight unseen

+Got this from my friend Ana E. Muss+

   I'm a counselor who helps coordinate support groups for visually impaired adults.  Many participants have a condition known as macular degeneration, which makes it difficult for them to distinguish facial features.
   I had just been assigned to a new group and was introducing myself.
   Knowing that many in the group would not be able to see me very well, I jokingly said, "For those of you who can't see me, I've been told that I look like a cross between Paul Newman and Robert Redford."
   Immediately one woman called out, "We're not that blind!"



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Date:    Mon, 15 Apr 2002 01:42:51 -0400
From:    The Punk with the Stutter <thepunkwiththestutter@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: Jim Mullen's Hot Sheet

What the country is talking about this week...

1)  Oprah's Book Club:  She can't find enough good books to plug one a month?  Aren't
Proust, Austen, Cervantes, and Homer up to Wally Lamb's high standards?

2)  "The Sweetest Thing"  Cameron Diaz's butt gets almost as much face time in this
romantic comedy as she does.  Soon it will have its own agent and a three-picture deal.

3)  Mike Wallace:  The 83-year-old "60 Minutes" newsman is cutting his workload in half.
Slacker.

4)  Kenny:  The "South Park" creators got bored of killing him every week.  They'll
replace him with Wile E. Coyote.

5)  "Martha Inc."  The unauthorized bio paints her as dominatrix of domesticity.
Apparently she's not warm and fuzzy like other media moguls Sumner Redstone and Rupert
Murdoch.

6)  Sarah Jessica Parker:  The Sex and the City star is pregnant.  How suburban.

7)  Bob Guccione:  His once mighty "Penthouse" is flaccid.  Why buy the cow when you can
get the milk for free on the Internet?

8)  Tom & Penélope:  The rumor is they've split up.  It's back to the personal ads for
them.

9)  "Changing Lanes"  A minor traffic dispute turns into a match to the death between two
drivers.  In New York City that's called a taxi ride to the airport.

10)  April 15:  If people wouldn't wait until the very last minute to file, I wouldn't
have to wait in those long lines.

11)  "Party Hard"  The catchy hit for the binge drinker in your family.  How come there
are no catchy songs about getting a job and paying rent?

12)  "The Simpsons"  A Brazilian tourism agency may sue for portraying Rio in an
unflattering light.  You never see the good side of squalid, homeless street kids on TV.

13)  Charles Frazier:  The "Cold Mountain" author got a reported $8.25 million advance for
his second book.  The first thing he's going to do with the money is heat the place.

14)  "Frailty"  A horror movie in which a man thinks his brother is a serial killer.  No,
all 9-year-olds act like that.

15)  Britney Spears:  She has a cameo in "Austin Powers 3" as Mini-Me's girlfriend.  But
he dumps her for someone more realistic—a Barbie doll.
___   ___   ___   ___   ___   ___   ___   ___
Copyright © 2002 Entertainment Weekly and Time Inc.



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