Digest for Saturday, April 13, 2002

There are 7 messages totalling 369 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Pet owner queries [Part 2]
  2. Womens Slogans
  3. Lawyer limits
  4. Winter dreams
  5. tha DOG 8 my HOMEwork
  6. A to Z
  7. The Organ-Donor Crisis


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Date:    Sat, 13 Apr 2002 08:02:40 -0700
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Pet owner queries [Part 2]

The Iams Company Reports More Fun Calls to Iams Customer Service
Courtesy of The Iams Company

Dayton, Ohio (December 22, 1999) "How many calories in a mouse?" and
"What should I feed a borderline collie?" were just a few of the wacky
questions that the Iams Pet Professionals fielded from pet owners last year.

The last year of the century was another bumper year for weird and wonderful
calls to The Iams Company's pet care hotline. These are the team's favorite
calls in 1999 to 1-800-863-IAMS (4267):

"I have trouble seeing what I'm scooping in my yard. Can your food turn my
dog's poop pink?" dog owner, Ronkonkoma, NY.

"Is your cat food good for urinal infections?" cat owner, San Jose,CA

"My two-year-old daughter loves the taste of Iams is it okay for her to eat
it?" mother, Staten Island, NY

"What's the best way to get super-glue off my dog's paws?" dog owner,
Arlington, TX.

"Can a dog get claustrophobia?" dog owner, Cambridge, MA.

"My dog growls in his sleep. Do you think he could have a vitamin B deficiency?"
dog owner, Puyallup, WA.

"I think if my dog received mail, it would build his character. Can I
register him on your mailing list?" dog owner, Richmond, VA.

"How do I potty train my pot belly pig?" pot belly pig owner, Vero Beach, FL.

"What's up with my cat? She looks at me strangely when I sing and dance for
her."  cat owner, New York, NY.

"I have two new kittens and I don't want to leave them home alone. Can I
carry them around in my gym bag?"  new kitten owner, Brooklyn, NY.

"I'm thinking of setting up a kennel, and I was wondering... how much poop
can 50 dogs make in one year?" dog owner, Davis, CA.

"My son just sold me a subscription to the Iams Your Cat Magazine. But you
tell me it's free?" concerned mom, Englewood, OH.

"When my dog pees, he leaves brown patches all over the lawn. Is he peeing
fire?"  dog owner, Covington, KY.

"I raise worms, the world's most perfect protein source. How 'bout
using them in your food?" worm farmer, Long Barn, OH.

"I can smell my cat's urine and tell what cat food brand she's eating. Can
you use this talent at Iams?"  cat owner, Sacramento, CA.

"When these types of calls come in, it's hard to keep a straight face," says
Sally Northcutt, manager of Customer Service, The Iams Company. "But we know
that most of the time we have a customer on the phone who is genuinely
concerned for his or her pet. Our sole purpose is to help pet owners with
their questions, so however strange those questions may seem, we try our best
to answer them."

"Iams Customer Service reps undergo continuous training to stay current on
developments in pet care and nutrition," says Northcutt. "And we're all pet
owners ourselves, with 43 dogs and 17 cats between us."

For more than 50 years, The Iams Company has enhanced the health and well
being of dogs and cats by providing world-class quality foods. For more
information on proper pet care and nutrition, call The Iams Pet Professionals
toll free at 1-800-863-4267, Monday through Saturday, 8 a.m., Eastern Standard
Time. You can also visit Iams on the Web at http://www.iams.com/">www.iams.com.

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Date:    Sat, 13 Apr 2002 09:03:47 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Women's Slogans

  1. So many men, so few who can afford me.

  2. God made us sisters; Prozac made us friends.

  3. If they don't have chocolate in heaven, I ain't going.

  4. At my age, I've seen it all, done it all, heard it all...I
     just can't remember it all.

  5. My Mother Is a travel agent for guilt trips.

  6. Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes,
     seeks frog.

  7. Coffee, chocolate, men . . . Some things are just better rich.

  8. Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.

  9. If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

10. Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.

11. It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

12. My husband could have had any women he pleased--he just
     couldn't please any!

13. Guys have feelings too.  But like...who cares?

14. Next mood swing: 6 minutes.

15. I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.

16. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

17. Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the first time.

18. Do NOT start with me.  You will NOT win.

19. You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.

20. My husband is the head of the household, but I'm the neck (and
     the neck can turn the head anyway it wants it to move).

21. I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.

22. How can I miss you if you won't go away?

23. Sorry if I looked interested.  I'm not.

24. If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.

25. I run things at my house! (the vacuum cleaner, washing
     machine, iron, etc.)

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Sat, 13 Apr 2002 08:34:47 -0500
From:    Tom and Carrol <tcr@CHARTER.NET>
Subject: Lawyer limits <offensive to attorneys>

Bill To Regulate The Hunting And Harvesting Of Attorneys=20

372.01 -Any person with a valid state rodent or armadillo hunting =
license may also hunt and
harvest attorneys for recreational and sporting (non-commercial) =
purposes.=20

372.02 -Taking of attorneys with traps or dead falls is permitted. The =
use of United States
currency as bait is, however, prohibited.=20

372.03 -The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is =
prohibited, unless such vehicle is
an ambulance being driven in reverse. If an attorney is accidentally =
struck by a motor vehicle,
the dead attorney should be removed to the roadside, and the vehicle =
should proceed to the
nearest car wash.=20

372.04 -It is unlawful to chase, herd or harvest attorneys from a power =
boat, helicopter or
aircraft.=20

372.05 -It is unlawful to shout "WHIPLASH", "AMBULANCE", or "FREE =
SCOTCH" for the
purpose of trapping attorneys.=20

372.06 -It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW, =
Mercedes, or Porsche
dealerships, except on Wednesday afternoons.=20

372.07 -It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, =
law libraries, health
clubs, country clubs or hospitals.=20

372.08 -If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to =
have a license to hunt, trap or
possess the same.=20

372.09 -It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter, =
accident victim, physician,
chiropractor, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.=20

372.10 -Bag Limits Per Day:=20

Yellow-bellied Sidewinders: 2=20
Two-faced Tort-feasors: 1=20
Back-stabbing Divorce Litigators: 3=20
Horn-rimmed Cut-throats: 2=20
Minutiae-advocating Chickens: 4=20
Honest Attorneys: 0 (Protected, Endangered species.)=20

=20

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Date:    Sat, 13 Apr 2002 09:55:28 -0700
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Winter dreams

+Got this from HUMOR reader Howard Huff+

An elderly friend in Northern Canada, still enjoying life, walked into a doughnut shop one afternoon when the temperature was -40 degrees.  The attractive young girl at the counter said, "Really cold, isn't it!!"

"Sure is.  Why don't you and I run away to Hawaii?"  And suddenly she turned serious and looked at my friend and wanted to know if he could afford it.  Playing along, he said, "I sure can."

Still thinking for a moment, the girl finally said, "It's not really that cold."


Is your boss reading your email? ....Probably
Keep your messages private by using Lycos Mail.
Sign up today at http://mail.lycos.com

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Date:    Sat, 13 Apr 2002 21:10:27 -0500
From:    RANEBOUX <raneboux@BELLSOUTH.NET>
Subject: tha  DOG   8  my  HOMEwork

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one.  I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car.  I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right.  But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir.  That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called for back up. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure.  Here it is. It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer.  Here's the owner' card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk?  I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it.  The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b.  told you I was speeding, too!

__________________________________
RANEBOUX
        eternal
  ___====___====___
_________-----_________
          since 1903
 We support monkey business
             &
       BeeJum
   chew it..it ain't *never*
 losing its taste

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Date:    Sat, 13 Apr 2002 23:17:40 -0400
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: A to Z

The pretty young woman wore her tightest form-fitting sweater,
took a deep breath of air, and entered the office of The Old
Perfesser.

"Perfesser," she cooed, "I just can't understand at all WHY
you gave me an F on my term paper.

"It's very simple, my dear," answered The Old Perfesser, "it's
because we're not allowed to give Z's."


---And now, a brief explanation for the international audience:
USA typical grading system:
A = 100-90%
B =  89-80%
C =  79-70%
D =  69-60%
F = failing

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Date:    Sun, 14 Apr 2002 01:14:47 -0400
From:    The Punk with the Stutter <thepunkwiththestutter@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: The Organ-Donor Crisis

The U.S. is critically low on organ donations.  What is the nation's medical community
doing to address the shortage?

  Experimenting with tofu-based organ substitutions

  Raising speed limit to 170 mph in school zones

  Asking people to tough it out and make do without a pancreas for a while

  Offering to donate their organs to anyone in critical need, if you catch their drift

  Removing David Crosby's new liver and giving to more deserving person

  Wondering if nation's homeless problem, organ-shortage problem can't be solved
simultaneously

  Splitting up available organs so at least everyone in need gets a little piece

  Allowing recipient's body to reject maximum of two hearts; after that, no more favors
for Mr. Picky

  Introduces special edition of "Dawn Of The Dead" ending with zombies turning to camera
and saying, "We've had some fun tonight, but ripping organs out of people's bodies is no
laughing matter," followed by web address for shareyourlife.org
___   ___   ___   ___   ___
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