Digest for Thursday, April 11, 2002

There are 12 messages totalling 487 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Reasons Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumis Popularity is Plummeting
  2. The Lone Ranger.....
  3. Chocolate is a Vegetable
  4. A to Zs....
  5. A good idea
  6. Why God Created Eve
  7. Cloning Ban
  8. MEDITATIVE MOMENTS
  9. A nice pair
  10. Judge not lest you be judged
  11. Judge not lest you be judged
  12. This Weeks Horoscopes


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Date:    Thu, 11 Apr 2002 02:02:14 -0400
From:    Rollo Tomasi <rollotomasi@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Reasons Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi's Popularity is Plummeting

        The Associated Press:  "Support for the cabinet of Japanese
        Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi has fallen to a new low of
        40 percent, marking the first time more people disapproved
        of the government than approved."   -April 3, 2002

#1:  Environmentalists complain his administration has hunted Godzilla to
extinction.

#2:  Absurd that he thinks he can play for the Seattle Mariners and run a country.

#3:  Disgraced the nation by appearing on "Japanese Laugh In" and saying, "Saki it
to me!"

#4:  Doesn't think whale meat is tasty.

#5:  No Free Nintendo, No Peace.

#6:  Failed to keep Fox News Channel off Japanese Cable.

#7:  Passed health law requiring all fish to be cooked!

#8:  Steadfastly refused to throw up on George W. Bush in retaliation.

#9:  Went to see the movie "Pearl Harbor," which is an offense to Japanese and the
ancestors of film-lovers everywhere.

#10:  Lost face when US president Bush referred to him in public with the
nickname, "PM Jackie Chan."

#11:  Gave Koreans the right to vote!
___
(c) Daily Wonk Lists 2001

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Date:    Thu, 11 Apr 2002 04:13:02 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: The Lone Ranger.....

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer.
After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the
big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt,
and said, "I do, Why?" The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I
just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready
to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse some water and
soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned
to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you
can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better." Tonto
said, "Sure, Kemosabe," and took off running circles around Silver.

Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar
to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the
bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger
stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?" The
cowboy looks him in the eye and says,...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Nothin', but you left your Injun running."

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Date:    Thu, 11 Apr 2002 05:56:26 -0500
From:    Randall Woodman <rwoodman@ATTBI.COM>
Subject: Chocolate is a Vegetable

From: "Judy Lococo" <judyl@thorobred.win.net>

 Subject: Chocolate is a Vegetable

 Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived
from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are a plant, that places them in
the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable. To go one step
further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So candy
bars are a health food.

 Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all
count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

 If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too
slowly.

 The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot
car.
            The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

 Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off
your appetite, and you'll eat less.

 Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

 Put 'eat chocolate' at the top of your list of things to do today. That
way, at least you'll get one thing done.

 A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in
one place. Now, isn't that handy?


  If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose.
An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen,
can you?

 REMEMBER: 'Stressed' spelled backward is 'desserts'.

 Send this to four women and you will lose two pounds. Send this to all the
women you know (or ever knew), and you will lose 10 pounds. If you delete
this message, you will gain 10 pounds immediately.

 That's why I had to pass this on --I didn't want to risk it, and I figured
the more who knew about this wonderful new vegetable, the more all can share
in the joy!!

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=} Randall {=-  You want a chocolate? -- Forrest Gump

Need a Tagline?  Visit http://www.taglinesgalore.com/

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Date:    Thu, 11 Apr 2002 07:56:38 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <PBenoit@COOKSONELECTRONICS.COM>
Subject: A to Z's....   <adult>

The A-Z List of Alliterative Religious
Euphemisms for Masturbation:

   - Arch the Angel
   - Baste the Bishop
   - Choke the Cherub
   - Diddle the Diocese
   - Drain the Druid
   - Empty the Evangelist
   - Fondle the Pharoah
   - Gloss the Cross
   - Grab at the Abbot
   - Grip the Grail
   - Grope the Gregorian
   - Humble the Hedonist
   - Idolize the Icon
   - Jerking for Jesus
   - Jingle your Judah
   - Kindle Krishna
   - Lubricate Lucifer
   - Mess with the Menorah
   - Milk the Monk
   - Niggle Noah
   - Oscillate the Oracle
   - Palm the Psalm
   - Pound the Pope
   - Pummel the Pulpit
   - Quarrel with the Quaker
   - Rassle the Reverend
   - Rub the Rabbi
   - Slap the Savior
   - Stroke the Steeple
   - Tug the Taoist
   - Undulate Uda
   - Vibrate the Vicar
   - Whack the Wise Man
   - X ... you try to find a verb that starts with X!!!
   - Yank your Yarmulke
   - Zig-zag for Zemuda


****************
It's not whether you win or lose,
it's how you play with your pork.
            - Lewis Black


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If you are not the intended recipient, you should delete this message and
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message, or the taking of any action based on it, is strictly prohibited.
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Date:    Thu, 11 Apr 2002 07:07:41 -0700
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: A good idea

A sales clerk asked his boss how to handle people who
complained about the current prices compared to the
low prices in the good old days.

The boss said, "Just act surprised and tell them you
didn't think they were old enough to remember them."

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Date:    Thu, 11 Apr 2002 08:53:43 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Why God Created Eve

10.  God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the
      garden because he would not ask for directions.

  9.  God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate
      and hand him the remote.

  8.  God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig
      leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy
      one for him.

  7.  God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's,
      dentist's or haircut appointment by himself.

  6.  God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the
      garbage on the curb.

  5.  God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never
      be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.

  4.  As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where
      he left his tools.

  3.  Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when
      God caught him hiding in the garden.

  2.  As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone."

And, finally, the Number 1 reason why God created Eve....

  1.  When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back,
      scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that."

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Thu, 11 Apr 2002 10:58:30 -0400
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: Cloning Ban

LBNN --Late-Braking News Network

Washington, DC (LBNN) Speaking from the Rose Garden on the White
House grounds, President George W. Bush expressed to Congress today
his opposition to cloning and urged a total ban on the controversial
science. After the microphones were turned off, he turned to an aide and
remarked, "Sheesh!  Can you f-----g imagine what would happen to our
Trifecta if the Democrats were able to clone themselves?"

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Date:    Thu, 11 Apr 2002 10:09:14 -0700
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: MEDITATIVE MOMENTS <A few adult words/concepts>

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I
may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky
tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

6. No one is listening until you fart.

7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
payments.

10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their
shoes.

11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and
he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably
worth it.

14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.

16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from
bad judgment.

18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it
back in your pocket.

19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it
holds the universe together.

21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

25. We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ... then
things get worse.

26. The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.
Sandy (AKA Ms Sam)
Chuckles of Choice Web Site
http://www.chucklesofchoice.com

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Date:    Thu, 11 Apr 2002 20:54:05 +0200
From:    Th. Legters <tlegters@XS4ALL.NL>
Subject: A nice pair

A man came home, showed his wife a nice car stereo.
His wife yelled: Ýou fool! What to do with it, you don't HAVE a car!'
'Shut up', he calmly replied, 'didn't you buy a bra last week?'

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Date:    Thu, 11 Apr 2002 18:20:10 -0700
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Judge not lest you be judged

   They've seen a lot of strange things down at San Francisco's Hall of Justice -- but no one had ever seen a prisoner ordered to put on a judge's robe to sentence himself.
   But that's just what happened the other day, when Judge James Warren -- late of the infamous dog-mauling trial -- took a break from a sentencing hearing, went into his chambers and came back with one of his spare robes, then told repeat drug offender Albert Brown to put it on.
  Brown -- who was no stranger to the judge's courtroom and who was looking down the barrel of a five-year sentence -- couldn't believe his eyes.  But don the robe he did, with his orange jail jumpsuit sticking out a good six inches beneath the black sleeves.
   From all accounts, it was quite a sight.  "This is your life -- and you are your own judge," Warren then told Brown sternly. "Sentence yourself."
   And he did -- to six months in county jail, plus a long string of self-imposed conditions such as cleaning himself up for his kids and promising to steer clear of the neighborhood where he got busted for selling a rock of crack to an undercover cop.
   Not everyone is happy with the judge -- especially down in the narcotics unit.  "I mean, this guy is a suspected crack dealer and he gets to thumb his nose at all of us," groused one cop.
   Warren, however, says the case really wasn't that cut and dried.  "It was the sentence I was going to give him anyway," the judge told us.
   "In fact, the Probation Department had recommended six months and a good lecturing. But I figured, I'm not that good at lecturing. He, on the other hand, was very good at lecturing himself. And maybe this time it will stick."
   But just to make sure, "I had the transcript typed up and sent over to him, " Warren added.  "Just in case he forgets."

+Source: San Francisco Chronicle, Matier and Ross, April 10, 2002+


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Date:    Thu, 11 Apr 2002 19:17:14 -0700
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Judge not lest you be judged

   They've seen a lot of strange things down at San Francisco's Hall of Justice -- but no one had ever seen a prisoner ordered to put on a judge's robe to sentence himself.
   But that's just what happened the other day, when Judge James Warren -- late of the infamous dog-mauling trial -- took a break from a sentencing hearing, went into his chambers and came back with one of his spare robes, then told repeat drug offender Albert Brown to put it on.
  Brown -- who was no stranger to the judge's courtroom and who was looking down the barrel of a five-year sentence -- couldn't believe his eyes.  But don the robe he did, with his orange jail jumpsuit sticking out a good six inches beneath the black sleeves.
   From all accounts, it was quite a sight.  "This is your life -- and you are your own judge," Warren then told Brown sternly. "Sentence yourself."
   And he did -- to six months in county jail, plus a long string of self-imposed conditions such as cleaning himself up for his kids and promising to steer clear of the neighborhood where he got busted for selling a rock of crack to an undercover cop.
   Not everyone is happy with the judge -- especially down in the narcotics unit.  "I mean, this guy is a suspected crack dealer and he gets to thumb his nose at all of us," groused one cop.
   Warren, however, says the case really wasn't that cut and dried.  "It was the sentence I was going to give him anyway," the judge told us.
   "In fact, the Probation Department had recommended six months and a good lecturing. But I figured, I'm not that good at lecturing. He, on the other hand, was very good at lecturing himself. And maybe this time it will stick."
   But just to make sure, "I had the transcript typed up and sent over to him, " Warren added.  "Just in case he forgets."

+Source: San Francisco Chronicle, Matier and Ross, April 10, 2002+



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Date:    Fri, 12 Apr 2002 01:05:48 -0400
From:    The Punk with the Stutter <thepunkwiththestutter@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: This Week's Horoscopes

By Lloyd Schumner Sr.
Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B.-Certified Astrologer

Aries: (March 21—April 19)
It's true that people often become what they hate.  This explains why you're
slowly becoming a pineapple-and-anchovy pizza.

Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
You're not the kind of person who can wear those fashionably low jeans, mostly
because you can't figure out how pants are supposed to work.

Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
You will have one of those disorienting "through the looking glass" moments when
you are thrown through a large looking glass.

Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
The unexpected arrival of quintuplets in your life wouldn't be so bad if you could
figure out whose they were.

Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
You're not the type to rest on your laurels when there are perfectly good couches
available.

Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
You will achieve modest fame as a lion tamer, but audiences won't like you nearly
as much as the man who has absolutely no control over the lions.

Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
No one would go to Salina, KS, without stopping for a world-famous Cozee
Burger—except you.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
The only thing worse than a trick yo-yo man is a trick yo-yo man who applauds
after each one of his yo-yo tricks.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
The men from the recliner company will stop laughing just long enough to claim
they've never seen anyone lose a leg in one of their products before.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
You will find yourself in yet another argument over whether Murasaki's The Tale Of
Genji is the world's first true novel.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
They will comfort you after the accident by saying there was nothing you could
have done, leaving unsaid the fact that most people would have at least tried
hitting the brakes.

Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
As you emerge from the womb, a doctor will strike you and make you cry.  Serves
you right for sleeping with his wife.
___   ___   ___   ___   ___
© Copyright 2002 Onion, Inc.



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