Digest for Wednesday, April 10, 2002

There are 12 messages totalling 579 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Allah Counteroffers To Yasser Arafat Short of Martyrdom
  2. Puns of the Weak 04/05/02 (Part 4)
  3. Why bother to learn foreign languages?
  4. Herbal Remedy Catalog
  5. The new pastor
  6. Night Out
  7. Prairie Life
  8. Looked in the mirror lately?
  9. Underwater fantasy
  10. Tax-Code Changes
  11. Ole gets lucky
  12. Puns of the Weak 4/5/02 (Part 5)


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Date:    Wed, 10 Apr 2002 02:03:01 -0400
From:    Rollo Tomasi <rollotomasi@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Allah Counteroffers To Yasser Arafat Short of Martyrdom

#1:  Two years free towel cleaning service

#2:  PlayStation II

#3:  Cure for Parkinson's Disease (with the stipulation that he not share it with
that infidel Janet Reno)

#4:  Lifetime supply of Baba Ganoush

#5:  Solemn promise not to seat him in hell anywhere near Julius and Ethel
Rosenberg.

#6:  Talk to West Bank Cable Company about carrying Spice Channel.

#7:  Four fresh cell phone batteries, if he promises not to hang up on Christiane
Amanpour again.

#8:  A homeland near Ted Turner's Montana ranch.

#9:  Take a few more wives and get back to him in a couple of weeks

#10:  Have a talk with that yappy mother-in-law of his about going on CNN and
talking about how much better her daughter could have done.

----------------------------
(c) Daily Wonk Lists 2001

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Date:    Wed, 10 Apr 2002 00:39:49 -0700
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Puns of the Weak 04/05/02 (Part 4)

                        ONE-LINERS:

 • A pun is the lowest form of humor -- when you don't think of it
first. (Oscar Levant)•
 •Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and
quoted. (Fred Allen)•
  •If someone complains that punning is the lowest from of humor, you
can tell them that poetry is verse. (Bob Davies)•
 •I finally repaired my metronome. Beat's working!  (Glenn Gardner)•
 •After mopping floors and scrubbing walls, the miserable housewife felt
washed up and wrung out and kicked the bucket. (Cryptograms)•
 •Change is good.  Particularly when you've been wearing the same
underwear for several days. (Matt Diamond)•
 •Income tax-time is when you test your powers of deduction. (Shelby Friedman)•
 •Did you hear about the guy who ate like a horse. He would have eaten
like a cow but he didn’t have the stomach for it.  (Lederer & Ertner)  •
 •My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time
(Douglas Helsel) . •
 •A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. (Jerry Ulett)•
 •I do feel like I'm cheating every year on my taxes whenI list myself
as the head of our household. (Gag-O-Matic)•
 •A dance instructor comes into a bar and enthusiastically says, "The
drinks are on me!" The bartender says, "Hey, you can't just waltz in
here and order everyone a round like that!" (Gary Hallock)•
 •In 1967 The first horse motel opened, providing animals with a stable
environment. (Patrick Kincaid)•
 •In 1840 The first elastic girdle was made. Asked if it worked, the
inventor replied "Of Corset Does". (Patrick Kincaid).•
 •A woman called the dairy and ordered enough milk for a bath.
“Pasteurized?” asked the farmer. “No,” replied the woman, “just up to my
neck.”  (Lederer & Ertner) •
 •A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative. (Douglas Helsel) •
 •Cell phones are a static symbol. ( Tiff Wimberly)•
 •Rome wasn't burned in a day. (Richard Lederer)•
 •Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis. (Jerry Ulett)•
 •When I told my mother I wanted to be a comedian, she said, “Don't make
me laugh!” (Douglas Helsel) •
 •Hawaii is a great place to be lei'd (M Rose Pierce)•
 •When the plumber went on strike, the home owner was forced to toil it.
(Daniel Reihs).•
 •Nervous cows give milk shakes.  (Lederer & Ertner)  •
 •Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
(Jerry Ulett)•
 •Income-tax forms should be printed on Kleenex. So many of us pay
through the nose. (Paul Benoit)•
 •A government worker is like a shotgun with a broken firing pin It
won't work and you can't fire it. (Kids Kingdom)•
 •It's a strange world of language in which skating on thin ice can get
you into hot water (Dim Wit)•
 •The true father of the child was clearly a parent (Daniel Reihs)•
 •Invisable cows give evaporated milk.  (Richard Lederer and James
Ertner)  •
 •Now the shoe is on the other horse (Richard Lederer).•
 •I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way. (Douglas
Helsel) •
 •When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd
dye. (Jerry Ulett)•
 •It wasn't the apple that got us tossed out of the Garden of Eden, it
was the pair on the ground! (Norman Gilbert)•
 •When a hospital visitor asked two Jewish patients how bad their
hemorrhoid operations were, they jointly replied, "It tuchas a long time
to recover." (Harvey Gordon)•
 •Heard about the baby kangaroo who ran off and left his mother holding
the bag? (Milton Berle)•
 •A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy. (Jokes Galore)•

                        FOR THE CHILDREN:

 •What did the cat do when he swallowed some cheese?
        He waited by the mouse hole with baited breath. (Marsha Coleman)•
 •What do you get if you cross a shellfish and a rabbit?
        The Oyster Bunny (Dylan, 7)•
 •What do kids drive?
        Their parents crazy (Athena, 10)•
 •What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede?
        A Walkie-Talkie (Giselle, 10)•
 •What do you call a cow with two legs?
        Lean beef.  (Lederer & Ertner)  •
 •What does a cat get from watching too many Mickey Mouse films?
        Disney Spells (Marsha Coleman)•
 •How do you make an orange laugh?
        Tickle its navel (Oscar, 11)•
 •Why doesn’t a witch wear a flat hat?
        Because there is no point in it (Herman, 8)•
 •Why are cheetahs an endangered species?
        Because cheetahs never prosper.  (Lederer & Ertner)  •
 • What do you get if you cross a cat with a canary?
        Shredded tweet! (Marsha Coleman)•
 •What did one toilet say to the other toilet?
        You look flushed (Mary, 10)•
 •Why didn’t the peanut butter cross the road?
        Because there was a traffic jam. (Brianna)•
 •What is the difference between a hill and a pill?
        One is hard to get up and the other is hard to get down. (Jay, 11)•
 •If a chicken crosses the road, rolls in the mud, and then crosses
back, what is it?
        A dirty double crosser.  (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)•
 •What do you get if you cross a Freeway with a bicycle?
        Killed (Thieving Joker) •
 •When is a bicycle not a bicycle?
        When it turns into a driveway (Daniella)•
 •What did the magician say after he made the rabbit disappear?
        Hare today, gone tomorrow (Patricia, 12)•
 •Can music make you think?
        It made Stevie Wonder (Joy, 7)•
 •Why is it a bad idea to tell jokes while ice skating?
        Because the ice may crack up. (Delight, 10)•

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Date:    Wed, 10 Apr 2002 13:16:44 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@VENTURENET.CO.ZA>
Subject: Why bother to learn foreign languages? <clean>

An Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are
waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks. The two
Americans just stare at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez-vous Français?" he tries. The two continue to stare.

"Parlano l'italiano?" No response.

"Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.

The Swiss guy drives off, totally frustrated. The first American turns to the second and
says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language." "Why?" says the other.
"That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

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Date:    Wed, 10 Apr 2002 07:52:20 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <PBenoit@COOKSONELECTRONICS.COM>
Subject: Herbal Remedy Catalog

Sugar Pill

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Warning: Do not take more than three pills in one twenty-four
hour period!!!

     $59.95 / 100 pills

 ---------------------------

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The key ingredient in our pills - cyanide - coaxes you into
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     $665.95 / 1 pill

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Leeches

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     $19.95 / 1 leech

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(all varieties), diabetes, death, gonorrhea, bad manners, scars,
bed-wetting, traffic jams, drug addiction, swelling, spider veins,
hangnails, poor eyesight, vitamin deficiency, gunshot wounds, sweaty
palms, itchy or watery eyes, rubber-necking, stupidity, pink eye, color
blindness, charley horses, forgetfulness, dyslexia, poor SAT scores,
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     $39.95 / 20 pills


*******************
The longer you live, the sooner you're going to die.


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Date:    Wed, 10 Apr 2002 07:01:50 -0700
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: The new pastor

A pastor was assigned to a new church. He was worried how he would
be received. At a reception for him, he was given a nametag. Under
his name was written, "Hog caller".

The pastor responded by saying, "I usually am called 'shepherd
of the sheep', but you know your congregation better than I do!"

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Date:    Wed, 10 Apr 2002 09:06:31 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Night Out

An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his
free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him.
"What'll you have?" he asked.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So,
the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down
in one shot.

His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and
immediately spat it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered.
"I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"

"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out
enjoying myself every night!"

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Wed, 10 Apr 2002 15:27:32 +0200
From:    Th. Legters <tlegters@XS4ALL.NL>
Subject: Prairie Life

Three cowboys around a campfire, it is a bright night.
Cowboy Hoss questions Cowboy Dan: 'How much is one plus one?'
Cowboy Dan contemplates, then: 'It's two'.
Cowboy Jake jumps up, gets his gun and instantly kills Cowboy Dan.
'Why'd you do that??' asks Cowboy Hoss.
Cowboy Jake: 'Sorry, but he knew too much'.

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Date:    Wed, 10 Apr 2002 09:53:21 -0500
From:    Tom and Carrol <tcr@CHARTER.NET>
Subject: Looked in the mirror lately?

While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new =
dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, =
I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my =
high school class some 40 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly =
discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the =
deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate.

After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local =
high school. "Yes," he replied.

"When did you graduate?" I asked. He answered, "In 1958."

"Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?"

=20

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Date:    Wed, 10 Apr 2002 18:34:07 -0700
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Underwater fantasy

+Got this from my friend Ana E. Muss+

   For our 10th anniversay my wife and I vacationed in Hawaii, where we went snorkeling.  After an hour in the water everyone got back on the boat, except for me and one beautiful young woman.
   As I continued my underwater exploring, I noticed that everywhere I swam, she swam.   I snorkeled for another 20 minutes.  So did she.  I climbed back in the boat.  So did she.  I felt very flattered and, as I took off my fins, asked her coyly why she had stayed in the water for so long.
   "I'm the lifeguard," she replied matter-of-factly.  "I couldn't get out until you did."



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Date:    Thu, 11 Apr 2002 00:32:56 -0400
From:    The Punk with the Stutter <thepunkwiththestutter@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: Tax-Code Changes  <adult language>

The April 15 tax-filing deadline is fast approaching.  What are some of the
changes in this year's code?

•  Deductions permitted for monetary losses due to eBay overbidding

•  May now file as single, married, or living together in sin

•  New "Lucky Bucks Scratch-Off 1040" lets citizens take chance on winning up to
$1,000 in additional deductions

•  Toddlers over 80 pounds may be claimed as two dependents

•  Home-improvement deductions expanded to include moose heads, chili-pepper
string lights, and "Baywatch" posters

•  All filers must repay last year's $300 "federal loan" with interest

•  Write-offs allowed for expenses incurred in show of patriotism

•  1040 instruction book clarifies that option to donate extra money to government
is not some sort of sick fucking joke
___   ___   ___   ___   ___
© Copyright 2002 Onion, Inc.



_________________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?
Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com

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Date:    Wed, 10 Apr 2002 23:41:10 -0500
From:    Tom and Carrol <tcr@CHARTER.NET>
Subject: Ole gets lucky

Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran Church. Lena went every Sunday =
and taught Sunday School. Ole went on Christmas and Easter and once in a =
while, he went on one of the other Sundays. On one of those Sundays, he =
was in the pew right behind Lena and he noticed vhat a fine looking =
woman she was.

Vhile dey were taking up the collection, Ole leaned forward and said, =
"Hey, Lena, how about you and me go to dinner in New Ulm next Friday?"

"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena.

Well, Ole couldn't believe his luck. All week long he polished up his =
old Ford, and on Friday he picked Lena up and took her to the finest =
restaurant in New Ulm.

When they sat down, Ole looked over at Lena and said, "Hey, Lena, vould =
you like a cocktail before dinner?"

"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"

Vell, Ole was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner.  =
Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. "Hey, =
Lena," said Ole, "vould you like a smoke?"

"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"

Vell, Ole vas feeling pretty low after that, so he yust got in his Ford =
and vas driving Lena home ven dey passed the Hot Springs Motel. He'd =
struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose.

"Hey, Lena," said Ole, "how vould you like to stop at that motel with =
me? "Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena.

Vell, Ole couldn't believe his luck. He did a U-turn right then and =
there across the median and everything, and drove back to the motel and =
checked in vith Lena.

The next morning Ole got up first. He looked at Lena lying there in the =
bed, her gray curls on the pillow.

"Vat have I done? Vat have I done?" thought Ole.

He shook Lena and she woke up. "Lena, I've got to ask you von ting," =
said Ole. "Vat are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"

"Lena said, "The same ting I alvays tell dem. You don't have to smoke =
and drink to have a good time!"

=20

.

=20

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Date:    Wed, 10 Apr 2002 22:33:29 -0700
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Puns of the Weak  4/5/02 (Part 5)

                        HOLIDAY PUNS

 •What does it mean when the Easter Bunny arrives one day late with
melted candy?
        He probably had a bad hare day. (Irene A. Mystery) •
 •How does a rabbit make gold soup?
        He begins with 24 carrots. (Irene A. Mystery) •
 •What does it mean when you see thirty rabbits in a row and they are
all marching backwards?
        A receding hareline. (Irene A. Mystery) •
 •Which side of a rabbit has the most fur?
        The outside. (Irene A. Mystery) •
 •Why Did Moses and the Children of Israel wander in the desert for 40
years?
        Because even then men refused to ask for directions! (Archives)•

                        FOR ADULTS ONLY:

 • There once was a vampire called Mabel
 Who's menstrual cycle was stable
        One weekend in four
        She'd sit on the floor
 And drink herself under the table. (Ed Hexter)•

 • Jack and Jill went up the hill
 To smoke a little leaf.
 Jack got high and opened his fly
 And Jill cried, "Where's the beef?" (Hershy)•

 •"When I see a monk's ass I just grab it."
 Said the lazily amorous abbot.
        "Although it's more fun
        To have sex with a nun,
 It's so hard to get into the habit!" (Laugh Your Ass Off)•

 •Why does a one-story brothel make more money than a two-story brothel?
        Because there's no fucking overhead.  (Stan Kegel)  •
 •Did you hear about the new douche they've made for women? It's made of
Kentucky Fried Chicken, Marijuana, and Arrid Xtra Dry.It leaves you
high, dry, and finger licking good! (Pure Humor)•
 •I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I
said, "Get off me, you two!" (Goatboy)•
 •How do you photograph an impotent man who refuses to use Viagra?
        Use a why dangle lens! (Johann von Haupkopf)  •
 •Why are bankers good lovers?
         They know first hand the penalty for early withdrawal. (LAB)•
 •Man who masturbate into cash register, soon come into money. (Fuhrman)•
 •It takes many nails to make a crib, but just one screw to fill it. (Quickies)•
 •Have you heard about the prostitute who contracted appendicitis and
they sewed up the wrong hole?
        Now she's making money on the side. (Richard Lederer)•
 •Men are like Cement. After getting laid, they take a long time to get
hard. (Hershy)•
 •95% of all people have hemorrhoids. The other 5% are perfect assholes!
(Gunjan Saraf)•
 •Did you hear about the 500 people living on a flood plain who all
experienced bowel movements simultaneously?
        They were ordered to evacuate. (Harry Simmons)•
 •What's the logo for the new Polish tampon?
        "We may not be number 1, but  were still up there!" (The Postman)•
 •What do you get when you cross an elephant with a prostitute?
        A two-ton pickup. (Naughty Newsletter)•
 •Why did the little Greek boy want to run away from home?
        He didn't like the way he was being reared.
Why didn’t the little Greek boy run away from home after all?
        He didn't want to leave his brothers behind.  (Tom Sarg)•
 •Did you hear about the guy that thought Peter Pan was a washbasin in a
house of ill repute? (Gary Hallock) •
 •Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
        He decided to stick it out for one more year! (Mike Spence)•
 •What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex makes
your day, anal sex makes your hole weak! (Uniadyiike Laughs)•
 •A secretary is not permanent until screwed on the desk. (Fuhrman)•
 •An obnoxious guy walks into the neighborhood bar and sits next to a
local honey already having her first beverage. As he tries to strike up
a conversation she keeps ignoring him. Finally he says, "you know me,
why don't you talk to me?" She replies, "Yes, I know you, you're Morgan
- big M, small organ." (Thieving Joker)•
 •Confucius say woman who fly upside down have crack up. (Gill Krebs)•
 •Dancing: A navel engagement with no discharge of semen. (Richard Lederer)•
 •Overheard at a bar: "Yeah, my boyfriend and I just split up. I finally
faced the fact that we're incompatible. I'm a Virgo and he's an asshole.
(Ed Hexter)•
 •Do you know what Blonde Paint is?  It's a type of paint that's not
very bright, cheap and spreads easy.  (Jeff Wilkerson)•
 •That guy who was accused of having sex with a sheep at a Future Farmers
of America fair has taken it on the lamb. (Jay Leno)•
 •Princess Anne moved to Toronto, became a Canadian, had a thing for cops
and liked to be on top, the tabloids ran a headline "Royal Canadian
mounted police" (David Reihmer)•
 • What's the difference between an epileptic oysterman and a prostitute
with diarrhea?
        An epileptic oysterman shucks between fits, (Richard Lederer)•
 •What's "68"?
        You do me and I owe you one. (Archives) •
 •A recent news report told of a old geezer down South that was caught
having sex with a old sow. How was he caught?
        The pig squealed. (Robert Tanner)•
 •What did the German bisexual woman do?
        Went down on her Hans and niece.  (Tom’s Burlesque)•
 •Unique: A nutless Frenchman. (Richard Lederer)•
 •Man have more hair on chest than woman, but on the whole woman have
more! (Fuhrman)•
 •What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
        Beer nuts are a $1.25, but deer nuts are always under a buck. (Alan B. Combs)•
 •What is the similarity between a rattlesnake and a limp dick?
        You dont fuck with either one. (Goatman)•
 •Why are men are like toilets.
        They are either occupied or full of crap! (Silly Stuff)•
 •Have you heard about the deaf gynecologist?
        He had to learn to read lips. (Richard Lederer)  •

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