Digest for Tuesday, April 09, 2002

There are 9 messages totalling 423 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Experts Give Thumbs-Up To First-Cousin Marriages; Hillbillies, British Royal Family Jubilant
  2. Sign Me Up!
  3. Adult Smiles.....
  5. Heaven
  6. Streetfightin man
  7. Baby Chickens
  8. The dating scene
  9. This Weeks News In Brief


Date:    Tue, 9 Apr 2002 02:02:34 -0400
From:    Rollo Tomasi <rollotomasi@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Experts Give Thumbs-Up To First-Cousin Marriages; Hillbillies, British Royal Family Jubilant

        State of Kentucky Declares
        Official Day of Celebration

by Andy Borowitz

One day after experts announced that marriages between first cousins were
significantly less risky than had previously been thought, jubilant cousin
fanciers praised the findings as a major step forward for inbreeders everywhere.

Reaction to the news was especially joyous in the state of Kentucky, which will
celebrate the findings with an official state holiday, tentatively called Kissin'
Cousins Day.

Elsewhere, exuberant hillbillies relished what many of them saw as a vindication
of their inbreeding lifestyle.

"I'm just relieved that I won't have to lie about meeting my wife in high school
anymore," said Dirk Wesson of Slug Hollow, West Virginia.

Amid the general euphoria, however, there was some carping in the hillbilly
community that it took scientists so long to jump on the inbreeding bandwagon.

"We were ahead of the curve on this one," said Clem McGillicutty, a noted
hillbilly and prominent inbreeding advocate.  "Wonder how long it'll take those
so-called 'experts' to recognize the health benefits of grain alcohol?"

On the other side of the Atlantic, a spokesman for the British royal family said
that the Windsors were "pinching themselves" about the inbreeding developments.

"It's jolly good news," said Charles, the Prince of Wales.  "It certainly opens up
a fellow's options a bit, dating-wise."

Prince Charles has long been linked with British aristocrat Camilla Parker Bowles,
but the new, bullish findings about inbreeding seemed to put a question mark over
that relationship.

"All bets are off now," Prince Charles.  "I feel like a chap in a candy store."
___    ___    ___
© Borowitz Report

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Date:    Tue, 9 Apr 2002 05:25:57 -0500
From:    Randall Woodman <rwoodman@ATTBI.COM>
Subject: Sign Me Up!

This is probably UL material but it is still humorous.
The following is from the history of the oldest commissioned warship in the
world, the USS Constitution. It comes by way of the National Park Service,
as printed in "Oceanographic Ships, Fore and Aft", a periodical from the
oceanographer of the US Navy.

23 August 1779, The USS Constitution set sail from Boston, loaded with 475
officers and men, 48,600 gallons of water, 74,000 cannon shot, 11,500 pounds
of black powder and 79,400 gallons of rum.  Her mission: to destroy and
harass English shipping.

On 6 October, she made Jamaica, took on 826 pounds of flour and 68,300
gallons of rum.  Three weeks later, Constitution reached the Azores, where
she provisioned with 550 pounds of beef and 2,300 gallons of Portuguese

On 18 November, she set sail for England where her crew captured and
scuttled 12 English merchant vessels and took aboard their rum.  By this
time, Constitution had run out of shot.  Nevertheless, she made her way
unarmed up the Firth of Clyde for a night raid.  Here, her Marines and
landing party captured a whiskey distillery, transferred 13,000 gallons
aboard and headed for home port.

On 20 February 1780, the Constitution arrived in Boston with no cannon shot,
no food, no powder, no rum and no whiskey. She did, however, still carry her
crew of 475 officers and men and 18,600 gallons of water.

The math is quite enlightening: Length of cruise: 181 days Booze
consumption: 1.26 gallons per man per day (this does NOT include the unknown
quantify of rum captured from the 12 English merchant vessels in November).
Naval historians say that the re-enlistment rate from this cruise was 92%!

-=} Randall {=-  Does a Naval doctor specialize or what...?

Need a Tagline?  Visit http://www.taglinesgalore.com/

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Date:    Tue, 9 Apr 2002 07:04:31 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Adult Smiles.....

A man and his wife in court was getting a divorce. The problem was who
should get custody of the child. The wife jumped up an said: 'Your Honour!
I brought the child into the world with pain and labour.  She should be in
my custody. The Judge turns to the husband an says ' What do you have to
say in your defence? The man sat for a while contemplating, then slowly
rose.  'Your Honour!  If I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi
comes out...whose Pepsi is it..the machine's or mine?


Forrest Gump is wrong...Life is NOT like a box of chocolates! It's like a
jar of jalapenos. Because you never know when it's going to burn your ass.



WANKY PANKY - fooling around, naughtier than hanky panky

THRUSTER BUSTER - a sudden noise that interrupts the act of sex,
especially a doorbell, the sound of a spouse's car in the driveway or the
shrill voice of an unexpected parent

RUBBER FLUBBER - sudden realization that the condom has broken

BOOBIE LUBEY - stimulation of a female's breasts to arouse sexual interest

DICKIE LICKIE - oral stimulation of the male's private parts

TUSHIE PUSHIE - doggie-style sexual intercourse

PECKER WRECKER - oral sex given to a man by a female wearing braces on her

FUCKIE SUCKIE - oral sex and sexual intercourse both

STINKIE PINKIE - the result of sexual stimulation of the female's private
parts by the male's hands

HUMMER CUMMER - I think you can figure out this one all by yourself!


Laura Bush goes to a new doctor in Washington for an examination and he
discovers that she has CRABS. He thinks to himself, "How am I going to
tell the 1st lady that she has crabs?"

After the exam he tells her to get dressed and meet him back in his
office. Once there he proceeds to tell her that she has a very unusual
condition. She is quite concerned and asks him what it is.  He responds
that she is suffering from NIXON'S DISEASE. The first lady says, "WHAT?"
He again responds, "Nixon's Disease." She says, "Level with me doc, what
does it mean?" He responds, "Well Mrs.  Bush, to put it very bluntly,
you've got bugs in your oval office!!"

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Date:    Tue, 9 Apr 2002 07:36:24 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <PBenoit@COOKSONELECTRONICS.COM>
Subject: DEPENDS

"I had to change my underwear," the embarrassed old perfesser
said expansively.


      DEPENDS ...  or not.
           submitted by The Old Perfesser
           special to The Valdoster Daily Snooze

Lately, I've been getting pretty tired of having to change
my pants constantly. It's no fun having to go put on a pair
of fresh trousers every time a dog barks or a door slams too

So, the other day, I was watching TV when one of those Depends
commercials came on. You know, the ones with the happy-looking
gray-haired couples riding bicycles. They seemed to really be
enjoying the diapers, so, figuring it was worth a shot, I headed
over to the local Piggly Wiggly and picked myself up a 12-pack.

When I got back to the trailer, I strapped a pair on, and, at
first, it seemed pretty promising: Snug around the legs with
plenty of room for cargo in the back, the Depends felt like they
just might be the answer to my troubles.

But I quickly found out something - Depends ain't that damned
dependable. I don't know what those confounded things are made of,
but I didn't have them on more than 30 minutes before they fell
halfway to my knees, sopping wet and stained the color of lemonade.

I was more than a little irate. After all, I could have spent that
money on Brach's sourballs or a new TV Guide. My mind set on a full
refund and no less, I headed straight back to the Piggly Wiggly.

After a barrage of questions that, I must say, were very personal,
the lady at the photo-finishing counter determined that I had put
on the Depends incorrectly. She said I was supposed to have the
plastic side with the wetness-check strips on the outside, not the

For the next few days, her advice seemed to do the trick: With my
newfound understanding of how to properly put on the undergarment,
I was able to successfully manipulate the various straps, buttons
and sticky strips each morning and be worry-free until sometime in
the middle of the day. At that point, I simply had to remove the
diaper, its innards loaded down with waste materials but its outside
dry and shiny, and heft it into the garbage. Then I simply replaced
it with a fresh one from my wife's macrame bag, and, presto, I was
set through the start of the CBS prime-time line-up.

Unfortunately, the smooth sailing did not last: I started having
major problems with the Depends on Friday, which is taco day at the
Senior Center. While they had worked fine on typical "light flow"
days - three urinations at five-hour intervals and a small defecation
in the evening - they were not equipped to handle a Friday load, which
is almost always much heavier, what with my difficulties digesting meat.

An hour after a nice lunch consisting of a taco, fruit cup and scooter
pie, the trouble began. I barely made it back to my room when I felt a
warm, spongy feeling creeping down my leg. Sure enough, on my good
dress slacks, there was a yellow line running from my privates to my
slippers, with an enormous brown circle in the back. Apparently, the
Depends' safety straps had collapsed under the weight of what I consider
to be merely a medium-sized defecation.

Furious, I marched right back into the Piggly Wiggly and demanded my
money back, placing the offensive article on the checkout counter,
thoughtfully placed inside a Denny's doggie-bag I'd been saving under
my bed. After some discussion, the store manager agreed to give me my
refund, and I left with my $8.99 in hand.

I will shop at Piggly Wiggly again, because I feel they have a good
return policy - within 14 days with receipt and your full money back -
but I'll tell you this: You'll never catch me diaper-shopping in the
"adult needs" section again. Me and Depends... we're through.

You know, sometimes I get the sudden urge to run
around naked. But then I just drink some Windex.
It keeps me from streaking.
                            - The Old Perfesser

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Date:    Tue, 9 Apr 2002 07:27:52 -0700
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Heaven

There is a story about two fellows who died at ripe
old ages and went on to Heaven. It was, of course,
the most beautiful, wonderful place imaginable.

One of them, eyes misting with tears, remarked,
"Isn't this marvelous?"

The other said, "Yes! And to think we could have
gotten here so much sooner if we hadn't eaten all
that oat bran!"

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Date:    Tue, 9 Apr 2002 16:15:55 +0200
From:    Th. Legters <tlegters@XS4ALL.NL>
Subject: Streetfightin' man

A big man enters the Saloon.
'Well', he says, 'I AM ANGRY! Which one of you is Tom Harris?'
Nobody speaks, fear reigns. Suddenly a very small, thin man says, 'I am
Tom Harris'.
The big man beckoned him 'Follow me outside!'
Both men leave the Saloon, leaving a deep silence. A lot of noise is
heard from outside, sounds of a man gettin'his share.
Then the Saloon doors open: the little man enters, all bruished up,
black eyes, blood streaming from his face.
Laughing out loud...
The bartender hands him a glass of beer. 'He really took you there,'he
says, 'But what's the fun?'
'I fooled him, I'm not Tom Harris at all!'

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Date:    Tue, 9 Apr 2002 12:07:35 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Baby Chickens

A city slicker moves to the country and decides he's going to start
farming.  He goes to the local co-op and tells the man, "Give me
100 baby chickens."

The co-op man complies. A week later the man returns and says,
"Give me 200 baby chickens."

The co-op man complies. Again, a week later the man returns. This
time he says, "Give me 500 baby chickens."

"Wow!" the co-op man replies. "You must really be doing well."

"Naw," said the man with a sigh. "I'm either planting them too deep
or too far apart!"


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Date:    Tue, 9 Apr 2002 19:04:00 -0700
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: The dating scene <off. to the indigent>

+Got this from my friend Ana E. Muss.

Q. What's the best thing about dating a homeless woman?

A. You can drop her off anywhere.

Is your boss reading your email? ....Probably
Keep your messages private by using Lycos Mail.
Sign up today at http://mail.lycos.com

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Date:    Wed, 10 Apr 2002 00:54:46 -0400
From:    The Punk with the Stutter <thepunkwiththestutter@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: This Week's News In Brief

Either Jay Leno A Repeat Or P. Diddy Got Arrested Again

MOUNT LEBANON, PA— According to Pittsburgh-area TV viewer Erik Allen, either
Monday's Tonight Show With Jay Leno was a repeat or P. Diddy got arrested again.
"Jay's monologue had all these jokes about P. Diddy getting busted for some kind
of gun possession," Allen said.  "I hadn't really heard anything about another
arrest, so I figured it was a rerun.  But that was, like, more than a year ago,
right?  Plus, I think he was still Puff Daddy back then, and Jay called him P.
Diddy."  Allen said he had hoped to gain insight from Leno's interviews with
guests Lisa Kudrow and zookeeper Jack Hanna, but "neither seemed to be plugging
anything all that time-specific."

Breakup Doesn't Seem To Have Changed Relationship

CARY, NC— Six weeks after their breakup, Daniel Bey and Janette Forsberg seem to
have undergone no apparent change in their relationship, friends of the ostensibly
ex-couple reported Monday.  "They see each other all the time, and they still
argue about every trivial thing, just like when they were together," friend Rich
Gascone said.  "David even told me they're still having sex.  But apparently, in
some science-fiction way I can't comprehend, they're split up."

Lutheran Minister Arrested On Charges Of Boring Young Children

PERU, IL— St. Luke's Lutheran Church was rocked by scandal Tuesday, when Rev. Bob
Tillich, the church's pastor of 12 years, was arrested on suspicion of boring as
many as 23 children within the congregation.  "Reverend Bob always seemed like the
sweetest man," parishioner Vera Crandall said following the arrest.  "When my son
said he made him watch three 1975 filmstrips about the suffering of Job, I was
shocked."  In the wake of the arrest, seven former Sunday-school students, dating
as far back as 1989, have stepped forward with charges that Tillich subjected them
to inappropriately tedious parables.

Architect's Friends All Have Great Idea For A Building

SAN DIEGO— Friends and acquaintances of Phil Yost are constantly giving him ideas
for buildings, the 40-year-old architect said Monday.  "I was catching up with my
old college roommate, who I hadn't spoken to in years, and he blurts out, 'What if
you built a revolving hotel like they have revolving restaurants?'" Yost said.
"Do you know how many times I've gotten that?"  In the past month, Yost has heard
pitches for pyramid-shaped warehouses, retractable-roof golf courses, and
100-story, subterranean "groundscrapers" that would be impervious to terrorist

Clinton Dragged Up On Stage To Sing 'Sweet Home Alabama' With The Band

LITTLE ROCK, AR— Former president Bill Clinton joined local rock band Jimmy Ellis
& The Houserockers onstage for a cover of Lynyrd Skynyrd's "Sweet Home Alabama"
Saturday.  "Come on up here, Mr. President!" Ellis urged Clinton, whom he spotted
near the back of the crowd.  "Show the nice folks how it's done!"  Following the
performance, Clinton remained onstage for a rollicking rendition of Garth Brooks'
"Friends In Low Places."
___   ___   ___   ___   ___
© Copyright 2002 Onion, Inc.

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