Digest for Monday, April 08, 2002

There are 12 messages totalling 551 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. The Top 15 Features of a Windows Car
  2. Unfortunate Sports Commentaries....
  3. Monday morning excuses
  4. Tips and Pick-Ups
  5. Help! Ive fallen....
  6. Church-goin man
  7. Celebrating "Senior Citizens"
  8. Hunting
  9. Competition for Harley Davidson
  10. Prank
  11. This Weeks Horoscopes


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Date:    Mon, 8 Apr 2002 13:23:25 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@VENTURENET.CO.ZA>
Subject: The Top 15 Features of a Windows Car <off. to MS>

Another variation of a very old joke...

The Top 15 Features of a Windows Car

- Damage from frequent crashes greatly limited by agonizingly slow speeds.

- MS-AAA mysteriously knows where you are and what you ran into before you even
call.

- Lets you e-mail viruses to jerks who cut you off in traffic.

- Sure, you *own* the car -- but your nerdy 17-year-old nephew is the only one who can
figure out how to drive it.

- Engine trouble? Just execute a Ctrl+Alt+Honk and the car repairs itself.

- "Crowby," the annoying, animated crowbar, keeps changing the radio station.

- It doesn't matter how good it is, those techno-snobs with the free Linux cars always
look down on you.

- It's a royal pain to try to pull into a non-Microsoft gas station.

- Now only takes THREE MINUTES to start.

- Whenever you leave your driveway, the little paperclip guy jumps out of the glove box
and says, "It looks like you're going to work! Can I help?"

- You have to reinstall the entire engine once a month.

- After putting it in park, it shakes and rattles for a couple minutes before you finally get
the signal that it's safe to turn off the engine.

- Despite reassurances of improved security from Microsoft, hackers can easily gain
entry by simply using the door handles.

- You can't lend it to someone else; they have to purchase their own.

- You have to pull to the side of the road, turn off and restart the engine whenever you
change CD's.

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Date:    Mon, 8 Apr 2002 07:25:52 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Unfortunate Sports Commentaries....

Pat Glenn - Weightlifting Commentator, "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria.
I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing."

Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator: "This is really a lovely horse, I
once rode her mother."

Murray Walker, "The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one
behind it which is identical."

Greg Norman, "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

Alan Minter, "Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing but none
of them serious."

Terry Venables, "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect
the same thing again"

Ron Atkinson, "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. You
can see it all over their faces."

Harry Carpenter - BBC TV Boat Race 1977, "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of
the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew."

Metro Radio, "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven
Dicks on the field."

David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics: "There goes Juantorena down the
back straight, opening his legs and showing his class."

US TV Commentator, "One reason Arnie [Arnold Palmer] is playing well is
that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes his balls and kisses them, oh
my God, what have I said?"

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Date:    Mon, 8 Apr 2002 06:45:23 -0700
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Monday morning excuses

 Need an excuse not to go to work? Try one of these.
 Great Excuses for Monday Morning!

 If it is all the same to you, I won't be coming in to
 work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

 When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-Lax in addition
 to my Prozac.  I can't get off the john, but I feel good
 about it.

 My stigmata's acting up.

 I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my
 previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

 I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know
 we have that deadline to meet...

 I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food
 Giant.

 Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit
 disorder and, hey, how about them Hoyas, huh? So, I won't
 be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking
 with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

 Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

 I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I
 shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now
 contain false information.

 The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even
 gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am
 startled.

 The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

 My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we
 must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her
 heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

 I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined
 that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and
 I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

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Date:    Mon, 8 Apr 2002 07:47:02 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <PBenoit@COOKSONELECTRONICS.COM>
Subject: Tips and Pick-Ups  <adult>

Hot Tub Tips For Women:

 - It is not ladylike to straddle a water jet, moan in ecstasy, then
   scream at the top of your lungs, "Oh Yes Baby!"

 - Washing your partner's back is sexy, washing your pantyhose is not.

 - It's okay to pass a joint while tubbing, it's not okay to pass gas.

 - Don't think you're fooling anybody by trying to pass off your
   vibrator as a toy submarine.


     ------------------------------------------------


Cartoon Character Pick-Up Lines:

 - Wimpy:  "I'd gladly pay you Tuesday for a blowjob today."

 - Popeye:  "I'm strong to the finish 'cause I takes Vee-agra!"

 - Tweety Bird:  "I wuuuv to eat putty!"

 - Porky Pig:  "L-l-let's go b-b-ba-b-b-back to my place and
   f-f-f-fu-fu-f-f-fu-f-f-fu ... hump."


****************
Yellatio: really loud oral sex


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Date:    Mon, 8 Apr 2002 08:11:12 -0500
From:    Tom and Carrol <tcr@CHARTER.NET>
Subject: Help!  I've fallen....

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who =
kept confessing adultery.  One Sunday, from the pulpit, he said, "If I =
hear one more person confess to adultery,
I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word.  Someone who =
had committed adultery would say they had "fallen."

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the =
priest died at a ripe old age.  About a week after the new priest =
arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very
concerned.

The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. =
When people come to the confessional, they keep talking about having =
'fallen.'"

The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new =
priest about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at =
the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about!  Your wife =
fell three times this week."

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Date:    Mon, 8 Apr 2002 09:54:36 -0400
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: Church-goin' man <adult>

  This message is in MIME format.  The first part should be readable text,
  while the remaining parts are likely unreadable without MIME-aware tools.
  Send mail to mime@docserver.cac.washington.edu for more info.

------_=_NextPart_001_01C1DF02.A0B9C6F9
Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; CHARSET=iso-8859-1
Content-ID: <Pine.GSO.3.96.1020408094646.9408E@grits.valdosta.edu>

A good Irish man, Paul O'Benny, met regularly with his
toastmasters club. One evening they were hitting the Guinness
Stout and having a contest at who could make the best toast.

Paul O'Benny hoisted his beer and said,
        "Here's to spending the rest of me life
        Between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the
best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"
Paul said,      "Here's to spending the rest of me life
                Sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh that is very nice, indeed, Paul!", Mary said.

The next day Mary ran into one of Paul's toasting buddies on the street
corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "Paul won the prize the other
night with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, and I was a bit surprised meself! You know, he's only
been there three times: Once on our wedding day; the second time, he fell
asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!"




------_=_NextPart_001_01C1DF02.A0B9C6F9--

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Date:    Mon, 8 Apr 2002 07:24:03 -0700
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: Celebrating "Senior Citizens"

Senior citizens are constantly being criticized for every conceivable
deficiency of the modern world, real or imaginary. We know we take
responsibility for all we have done and do not blame others. BUT, upon
reflection, we would like to point out that it was not the senior citizens
who took:

The melody out of music,
The pride out of appearance,
The romance out of love,
The commitment out of marriage,
The responsibility out of parenthood,
The togetherness out of the family,
The learning out of education,
The service out of patriotism,
The religion out of school,
The Golden Rule from rulers,
The nativity scene out of cities,
The civility out of behavior,
The refinement out of language,
The dedication out of employment,
The prudence out of spending, or
The ambition out of achievement,

And we certainly are not the ones who eliminated patience and tolerance from
personal relationships and interactions with others!! Does anyone under the
age of 50 know the lyrics to the Star Spangled Banner? Just look at the
Seniors with tears in their eyes and pride in their hearts as they stand at
attention with their hand over their hearts! Remember.......Inside every
older person is a younger person wondering what happened!

Yes, I'm a Senior Citizen!

I'm the life of the party...even if it only lasts until 8 PM..
I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.
I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying.
I'm very good at telling stories; over and over and over and over...
I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as cute as mine.
I'm so cared for -- long term care, eye care, private care, dental care.
I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, politicians.
I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.
I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy - and that's just my left leg.
I'm having trouble remembering simple words like...like... like...
I'm realizing that aging is not for wimps.
I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.
I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at
150?
I'm a walking storeroom of facts.....I've just lost the storeroom.

Yes, I'm a Senior Citizen, and I think I'm having the time of my life!


Sandy (AKA MsSam)
http://chucklesofchoice.com

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Date:    Mon, 8 Apr 2002 10:33:43 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Hunting

Two guys go hunting. Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has
hunted all his life. When they get to the woods, Joe tells Jerry
to sit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer
stand.

After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a blood-
curdling scream. He rushes back to Jerry and yells, "I thought I
told you to be quiet!"

Jerry says, "Hey, I tried. I really did. When those snakes crawled
over me, I didn't make a sound. When that bear was breathing down
my neck, I didn't make a peep. But when those two chipmunks
crawled up my pants leg and said, 'Should we take them with us or
eat them here?' I couldn't keep quiet any more!"

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Mon, 8 Apr 2002 07:47:34 -1000
From:    Mickey&Karen <mhenn@GTE.NET>
Subject: <No subject given>

The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the
altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag
and clubs by his side.

She said, "What are your golf clubs doing here?"

He looked her right in the eye--and said, "This isn't
going to take all day, is it?"


Screw an intern. Screw the whole country.

Which is better?

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Date:    Mon, 8 Apr 2002 17:01:50 -0400
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Competition for Harley Davidson <ADULT>

This came to me as a forward of a forward of a ...
I do not believe that correspondent Shively is taking credit for
the piece and I do not know it's origin.           jhm

=======================================
Subject:
          Competition for Harley Davidson
     Date:
          Fri, 05 Apr 2002 10:15:30 -0800
     From:
          David Shively <mos33c20@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>



At a press conference late Monday, the CEO of Johnson Marine, makers of
Johnson outboard marine engines and other recreational equipment, unveiled a
new line of heavyweight cruiser style motorcycles designed to compete head
to head with industry leader Harley-Davidson.

Peter Long, Johnson brands marketing manager said, "We have studied the
market and determined that Harley, while highly successful, has narrowly
missed the mark when targeting motorcycle buyers". Long added, "We, at
Johnson, are convinced our product hits the target dead center and promises
to draw sales away from Harley-Davidson in a way no other motorcycle has
been able to accomplish".

The new line of bikes, marketed under the name 'Big Johnson Motorcycles',
will, according to Long, deliver what Harley has only promised. "Our
research show that this, a Big Johnson, is what Harley buyers are really
after".

At the unveiling of the new line Monday, several current Harley owners
agreed. "When I bought my Harley, what I really needed was a Big Johnson",
said one Harley owner." But I see now that riding a Harley is no replacement
for having a Big Johnson."

Manager Long also said that his company would follow the lead of
Harley-Davidson and cash in on a huge market for non-motorcycle related
products. "We realize that not every guy can have a Big
Johnson", said Long, "But image is very important to people. If they don't
have a Big Johnson, they at least want to project the image of having one."

Asked if he anticipated Big Johnsons showing up in the hands of Harley
owners, Long said it was unlikely. "I just don't see the need to have a
Harley if you have a Big Johnson", he said. "And I can't imagine someone who
spends all their resources to acquire a Harley having a Big Johnson. I think
it boils down to this - You either have a Harley, or you have a Big
Johnson," but you are not likely to have both. "Given the choice", said
Long. " I think most guys will opt for the Big Johnson".

Another force driving sales for the company will come from women. A survey
of the wives and girlfriends of nearly 1,000 potential motorcycle buyers
indicates less than 5% would approve of their partner spending $15,000 on a
Harley Davidson. But, when asked if they would be willing to pay the same
amount of money to get their partner a Big Johnson, nearly 4 out 5 thought
that would be money well spent.

One female present at the product unveiling was quoted as saying, "There is
no way I will let Lonnie drop 15 grand on another one of those Harleys, but
15 grand to get him a Big Johnson? Well, that's something we could both
enjoy and it's something he really needs."

Carla Roundheel, manager of the dealership network now being established,
said her motto is simple. "I service what we sell." Big Johnson motorcycles
will be traded on the stock exchange under the abbreviation P-ENVY.

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Date:    Mon, 8 Apr 2002 18:05:21 -0700
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Prank

   In the spring of 1958, Cliff Roberts, who with Bobby Jones founded the Masters golf classic, decide to poke some fun at his own imperious and grim control of the tournament.  He had the water level in the pond by the 16th hole lowered by eight inches, a boardwalk built across, and the water level raised back to normal.
   His idea was to show the highly select membership, gathered for the annual jamboree two weeks before the tournament, that their chairman could indeed walk on water.  His disgruntled workmen, however, dismantled the boardwalk the night before the event.
   Roberts, a smile on his face, dressed in his usual three-piece suit, took a step off the bank and, in front of the astonished tycoons in their green coats, plunged in up to his neck.  Such is the secrecy of the membership at Augusta, news of this backfired prank has never been published until now.

+Source: Sports Illustrated, George Plimpton, April 1, 2002+



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Date:    Tue, 9 Apr 2002 00:25:00 -0400
From:    The Punk with the Stutter <thepunkwiththestutter@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: This Week's Horoscopes <adult>

By Lloyd Schumner Sr.
Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B.-Certified Astrologer

Aries: (March 21—April 19)
You will soon be judged by a jury of your peers, although finding 12 equally drunk
bus drivers will not be easy.

Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
It turns out the voices in your head that tell you how to behave are called your
"conscience" and that listening to them will ruin your career in advertising.

Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
Before this week, you thought "nibbled to death by ducks" was merely a funny way
of describing the bureaucratic process.

Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
You are growing increasingly annoyed with popular culture's continued
misinterpretation and trivialization of the vampire's point of view.

Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
You will experience the sort of pain normally felt only by careless entrants in
the World's Strongest Man competition.

Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
You will successfully avoid being pulled over by burly mustachioed state troopers,
thanks to your invention of the Gaydar Detector.

Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
You will feel a strange mixture of personal embarrassment and artistic revulsion
when you are lampooned by The Capitol Steps.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
You were born bearing the burden of original sin, but that has not stopped you
from indulging in several hundred derivative types.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
Your theory regarding governmentmind-control devices is right, except for the part
about the tinfoil helmets being an effective way to stop them.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
The paramedics will be forced to rip you out of your suit and cut off your tie to
save you from wearing an absolutely ridiculous suit and tie.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
You're half right: Heaven does not, in fact, want you, but Hell is not the least
bit concerned that you might take over.

Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
You establish a destructive pattern of behavior this week when you discover how
much fun it is to destroy things.
___   ___   ___   ___   ___
© Copyright 2002 Onion, Inc.



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