Digest for Sunday, April 07, 2002

There are 11 messages totalling 593 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. In Bed With Ned And Ted And Ed
  2. Have a drink
  3. The Geography of Woman/Man.....
  4. 21st century music terminology
  5. Survivor
  6. Ten Common Illness
  7. Econ 101
  8. Bad Day?
  9. Remarks by the President to a Hand-Picked Audience of Supporters
  10. Puns of the Weak 04/05/02 (Part 2)


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Date:    Sun, 7 Apr 2002 03:02:57 -0400
From:    Rollo Tomasi <rollotomasi@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: In Bed With Ned And Ted And Ed

        "Sometimes, when I sleep at night, I think of 'Hop on Pop'"
                        — George W. Bush, in a speech about
                        childhood education, AP, April 2, 2002

George:  Pat...  Cat...
Laura:  George?
George:  Pat sat on cat.
Laura:  George honey?
George:  No Pat no!  Don't sit on that!
Laura:  George!  Wake up!
George:  Whuh...?
Laura:  You were dreaming.
George:  Drea...  dreaming?
Laura:  Yes dear.  "Hop on Pop."  Again.
George:  But there were fish.  Three fish in a tree.
Laura:  Oh George, fish in a tree?  How can that be?
George:  You're right.  Still, it seemed so real.  And you were all there.  Colin
was Red, and Dick was Ned, and Ashcroft was Ted, and I was Ed.
Laura:  And you were all in bed?
George:  How did you know?!
Laura:  That's from the book, dear.
George:  Oh.  So we weren't all sleeping together.
Laura:  Actually, I wanted to talk with you about that...
Ashcroft:  Morning Chief!
Colin:  Hello Mr. President!
Dick:  Hope my snoring didn't keep you up, sir!
Laura:  I'll just go make some coffee.
George:  Morning, fellas.  Good sleep?
Colin:  Ashcroft hogged the blankets again.
Ashcroft:  These rubber sheets are cold!
Dick:  Hey, we wouldn't need the waterproof pad if you'd stop...
George:  All right, never mind.  Just want y'all to know that "Hop on Pop" has
done it again.  I've got the Middle East solution.
Colin:  Sir?
George:  I don't have to tell y'all how many times "Hop on Pop" has saved my
bacon.  Like during the campaign, I couldn't figure out how to get support from
the minorities.  Then I dreamed about that one part in "Hop on Pop"...
Dick:  Yes sir.  "Snack snack.  Eat a snack.  Eat a snack with Brown and Black."
George:  Those minority brunches went over big.
Colin:  Suckered me in.
George:  So last night I'm dreaming about "Hop on Pop," and the solution for the
Middle East hits me: Vroom.
Ashcroft:  Vroom, sir?
George:  Vroom.  You know, it's that powerful stuff Little Cat Z has under his
hat.  Cleans up snowspots just like that.  'Cause, you know, all that pink snow
had to go.
Dick:  Sir, that's not "Hop on Pop."  That's from "The Cat in the Hat Comes Back."
George:  Really?  Strange, I haven't read that one yet.
Ashcroft:  That's probably my fault, sir.  I talk in my sleep.
George:  Ah, well, good thing you did.  Vroom, boys, will fix everything.  We just
find this Little Cat Z, send him over to Israel, have him take off his hat, and
Vroom!  Everything's cleaned up before Mother gets home.
Colin:  Mr. President, I don't believe Vroom actually exists.
George:  So we'll make some.  We got a big defense budget, and if we need more
money, we'll just cut taxes again.
Laura:  George?
George:  Yep, stands to reason...
Laura:  George?  Honey?
George: ... you cut taxes, you can spend more.
Laura:  George, wake up!
George:  Whuh...?
Laura:  Honey, you were dreaming.
...
Laura:  Also, the bed's wet again.
George:  Ashcroft!
Ashcroft:  Sorry sir.
___
Copyright © 2002, SatireWire.

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Date:    Sun, 7 Apr 2002 11:26:17 +0200
From:    Th. Legters <tlegters@XS4ALL.NL>
Subject: Have a drink <adult>

Q: Why did God give us alcohol?
A: So ugly people can have sex too.

Vriendelijke groet,
Theo Legters
www.xs4all.nl/~tlegters
<<OMNIS PERMITTUNT SO LANG HILAERE EST>>

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Date:    Sun, 7 Apr 2002 06:16:26 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: The Geography of Woman/Man.....

The Geography of a Woman....

Between the ages of 15 - 18 a woman is like China or Iran,developing at a
sizzling rate with a lot of potential but as yet still not free or open.

Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is
half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around
the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. She is
completely  discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially
with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. She is ery hot,
relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may
have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and
desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the
war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now
necessary.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. She is ery wide,
quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate
keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia, With a
glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is,
but no one wants to go there.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Geography of a Man

Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Germany. A strange landscape,
but filled with beer and thoughts of dodgy porno movies.

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Date:    Sun, 7 Apr 2002 07:58:25 -0700
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: 21st century music terminology

21st Century Tempo Markings and other Musical Atrocities
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Adagio formaggio: To play in a slow and cheesy manner.
Al dente con tableau: In opera, chew the scenery.
AnDante: A musical composition that is infernally slow.
Angus Dei: A divine, beefy tone.
Antiphonal: Referring to the prohibition of cell phones in the concert hall.
A patella: Unaccompanied knee-slapping.
Appologgiatura: An ornament you regret after playing it.
Approximatura: A series of notes played by a performer and not intended by
 the composer, especially when disguised with an air of  "I meant to do that."
Approximento: A musical entrance that is somewhat close to the correct
 pitch.
Bar line: What musicians form after a concert.
Basso continuo: The act of game fishing after the legal season has ended.
Basso profundo: An opera about deep sea fishing.
Brake drum: The instrument most used to slow the tempo in an orchestra.
Concerto grosso: A really bad performance.
Coral Symphony: (see: Beethoven -- Caribbean period).
Cornetti trombosis: Disastrous entanglement of brass instruments that can
 occur when musicians are not careful exiting the stage.
D.C. al capone: You betta go back to the beginning, capiche?
Dill piccolo: A wind instrument that plays only sour notes.
Diminuendo: The process of quieting a rumor in the orchestra pit.
Eardrum: A teeny, tiny tympani.
Fermantra: A note that is held over and over and over and...
Fermoota: A rest of indefinite length and dubious value.
Fiddler crabs: Grumpy string players.
Flute flies: Gnat-like bugs that bother musicians playing out-of-doors.
Fog horn: A brass instrument that plays when the conductor's intentions are
 not clear.
Frugalhorn: A sensible, inexpensive brass instrument.
Gaul blatter: A French horn player.
Good conductor: A person who can give an electrifying performance.
Gregorian champ: Monk who can hold a note the longest.
Herbert von Carryon: A conductor who never rides in the cargo hold.
Kvetchendo: Gradually getting annoyingly louder.
Mallade: A romantic song that's pretty awful.
Molto bolto: Head straight for the ending, but don't make it seem rushed.
Opera buffa: Musical stage production at a nudist camp.
Pipe smoker: An extremely virtuosic(k) organist.
Poochini: When singing, to be accompanied by your dog.
Pre-Classical Conservatism: School of thought which fostered the idea, "if
 it ain't baroque, don't fix it".
Prelude: A cue, found in some of the earlier oratorios, instructing those
 singing the roles of the wicked to pray in an offensive or profane manner.
 (Pray lewd?)
(The) Rights of Strings: Manifesto of the Society for the Prevention of
 Cruelty to Bowed Instruments.
Spinet: Politician's order.
Spritzicato: Plucking of a stringed instrument to produce a bright, bubbly
 sound, usually accompanied by sparkling water with lemon (wine optional).
Status cymbal: An instrument to be played at inaugurations and socialite
 balls.
Tempo tantrum: What a young orchestra is having when it's not keeping time
 with the conductor.
Timpani Alley: A row of kettledrums.
Tincanabulation: The annoying or irritating sounds made by an unmusical
 person using extremely cheap bells.
Vesuvioso: A gradual buildup to a fiery conclusion.

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Date:    Sun, 7 Apr 2002 08:24:48 -0500
From:    Tom and Carrol <tcr@CHARTER.NET>
Subject: Survivor

Did you hear that Survivor, the TV show where they fake a lot of =
survival situations for contestants, is looking for new locations?  =
Inspired, perhaps, by our intrepid President, this proposal was =
receiving serious consideration:

=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D
Survivor, Texas Style.

The contestants will start in Dallas, travel to Waco, Austin, San =
Antonio, over to Houston, and down to Brownsville. They will then =
proceed up to Del Rio, onto El Paso, then to Midland, Odessa, Lubbock, =
and Amarillo. From there, they'll proceed to Abilene, Ft. Worth and =
finally back to Dallas.  They must visit two bars in each location and =
offer to buy Shirley Temples for all the patrons.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with a bumper stickers that read, "I'm =
gay", "I'm a vegetarian", and "I voted for Al Gore and I'm here to =
confiscate your guns!"

The first one to make it back to Dallas with no broken bones wins.
=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D

The idea was canned when the show was unable to find any  insurance =
company who would underwrite them for liability.

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Date:    Sun, 7 Apr 2002 07:44:50 -0600
From:    Emko Witteveen <emko@MAC.COM>
Subject: Ten Common Illness

  1. The Macy's One Day Sale Flu.
  2. The Drivers License Renewal Appointment 24-Hour Virus.
  3. The Friday-Afternoon-Start-The-Weekend-Early Sudden
     Unbearable Stomach Pains.
  4. The I'm Looking for a New Job and I Don't Know How Long It's
     Going to Take, but I Want To Stay On The Payroll Until Then
     Mysterious Infection.
  5. The My Boyfriend's Got the Week Off So Suddenly I'm Too
     Contagious To Come In To The Office Disease.
  6. The I Need a Hair Cut and My Stylist Doesn't Make Evening
     Appointments Bout of Influenza.
  7. The There's No Federal Holidays for Two Months and I Want a
     Day Off Sickness.
  8. The It's Spring Break and I Want To Pretend I'm a Teenager
     Again General Ailment.
  9. The I've Messed Up Royally and I Won't Come In To Face the
     Music Terminal Illness.
10. The I Really Am Sick and I've Got The Doctor's Bills and the
     Completed Medical Expense Reimbursement Forms to Prove It
     Infirmity.
---
A careful study of economics usually reveals that the best time
to buy anything was last year.

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Date:    Sun, 7 Apr 2002 16:21:18 -0700
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Econ 101

+Got this from my friend Ana E. Muss+

   I'd been working on my business degree for about a year when I finally got to take a popular finance course.  I went to the bookstore to buy the textbook and was shocked to find out it would cost me $125.  I asked how much it was worth if I sold it back at the end of the semester.
   "You'll get $50," said the clerk.
   "This is insane," I protested as I handed him my credit card.
   "I know," replied the clerk sympathetically.  "I've always thought that a person who buys a finance book for $125 then sells it back for $50 should fail the course."



Is your boss reading your email? ....Probably
Keep your messages private by using Lycos Mail.
Sign up today at http://mail.lycos.com

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Date:    Sun, 7 Apr 2002 17:01:10 -1000
From:    Mickey&Karen <mhenn@GTE.NET>
Subject: <No subject given>

"I really appreciate you and Dad watching the kids
today, Mom."

Later, Grandma says, "Boy, I'm really worn out. I
remember being exhausted when our kids were babies.
Now, with grandkids, I'm exhausted all over again!"

Grandpa replies, "It's to be expected. Why do you
think they call folks our age re-tired

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Date:    Sun, 7 Apr 2002 22:44:20 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Bad Day?

You Know It's A Bad Day When...
---------------------------------
The sun comes up in the West.

You jump out of bed and miss the floor.

The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.

You put both contact lenses in the same eye.

Your pet rock snaps at you.

The blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.

Your income tax refund check bounces.

You put your bra on backwards, and it fits better.

Suicide Prevention puts you on hold.

Your twin sister forgets your birthday

You wake up face down on the pavement.

You see a "60 Minutes news team" waiting in your outer office
(and DA is waiting on the phone....)

Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

Your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own
business.

You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party, and
there aren't any.

You turn on the TV news and they're displaying emergency routes
out of your city.

The woman you've been seeing on the side begins to look like your
wife.

You wake up to discover that your water bed broke, and then you
realize that you don't have a water bed.

Your horn goes off accidently and remains stuck as you follow a
group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.

You get a rejection notice from the HUMOR Listserver saying that
you're no longer funny...

Your doctor tells you, "Well, I have bad news and good news..."

You open the paper and find your picture under a caption that
reads "WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE!"

Your ex-lover calls and tells you he has 6 days to live, and that
you'd better get the Test!

You wake up at work naked in front of your co-workers.

When someone accuses you of faking humor.

Your lover tells you, "I'm sub-letting another apartment and the
movers are here to move me."

You have an appointment in 10 minutes, and you just woke up.

You need your chocoholic fix and the government just banned
chocolate!

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Sun, 7 Apr 2002 22:49:33 -0400
From:    The Punk with the Stutter <thepunkwiththestutter@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: Remarks by the President to a Hand-Picked Audience of Supporters

  PRESIDENT BUSH UNVEILS BOLD NEW BLUEPRINT
  FOR PEACE AND HAPPINESS IN THE MIDDLE EAST

For Immediate Release
Office of the Press Secretary
April 3, 2002  - 1:21 P.M. (EST)

THE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon.  As a few of you may have heard, the situation
between the Israeloids and Palestiniacs continues to deteriorate, despite my
administration's best efforts to appear effectual.  Of course, until recently, our
Middle East policy was built upon the assumption that the only Americans who give
a damn about this conflict were the Jews - and inasmuch as they all voted for Al
Gore (or at least meant to), Karl Rove felt it best if we didn't get too mixed up
their little blood feud.  But today, not only are an increasing number of
non-Jewish Americans telling pollsters that this war might impact how they vote in
the mid-term elections, but some prominent petrochemical tycoons are starting to
suspect that the situation might escalate to a point where the entire region is
destabilized, and our nation's powerful thirst for cheap, plentiful arabiac oil
might not be quenched - or worse - we'll have to pay realistic prices for the
stuff, and start driving around in 2-cylinder Korean rice burners.  (Boos.)

And so over the past several days, I've presided over no fewer than two
brainstorming videoconferences from my treadmill, and I am happy to report that we
have at last realized an effective plan for extricating these peoples from the
quagmire of hatred and violence into which William Jefferson Clinton cast them all
during his perverted and self-serving attempts to realize so-called "peace."

"What does the plan call for," you ask?  Well, I figure it this way: You've got
two groups of people, each believing in a different false god, and fighting to the
death over the same barren armpit of a useless plot of land that doesn't even have
any oil under it.  Both sides are so worked up, they can't even admit it when one
of their own kind screws up.  And that got me to thinking - it's all kind of like
how the coloreds here in America got after OJ Simpson went and gouged out the
jugular of that blonde girlie with the fake hooters.  We knew he did it, he knew
he did it, but the rest of the coloreds wouldn't say he did it!  I asked Condi and
Colin why that was, and they both said "Cracker!" - which I think is colored slang
for "ours is an unpredictable and irrational race."  Anyway, this is all to say,
it's high time people over there in the Middle East stopped focusing on their
negative differences and decided to start having fun - together.

As we all know, there's nothing on the entire face of the planet that brings
people of all faiths and ethnicities together in a setting of peace, happiness,
and fun quite like the glorious theme parks conceived of by the great Methodist
visionary Mr. Walt Disney.  And so today, having met at length with the board of
directors of the Walt Disney Corporation (and threatened to tax the liberal
bastards blind!), I am pleased to announce plans for the prompt construction of
Disney World Jerusalem, into whose welcoming arms all Israeloids and Palestiniacs
will be herded by well-armed Texas Rangers, who have plenty of experience
convincing brown people to behave.  Once inside, all formerly warring parties will
be paid handsomely to put aside their differences and revel in the warm light of
American high culture while acquiring all manner of quality merchandize produced
by nimble-fingered armies of pre-teen Chinese laborers.  (Thunderous Applause.)

In closing, I just want to say that I have the utmost faith that my boldly
original and highly unorthodox plan will miraculously bring a speedy and complete
end to millennia of mutual loathing, mistrust and killing in the Middle East - and
that when it's all said and done, history will judge me as not only the best hung
President ever, but also the mostest visionarian.

Thank you, and God Bless.
____
©2001-2002 - a chickenhead productions parody



_________________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?
Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com

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Date:    Sun, 7 Apr 2002 22:04:46 -0700
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Puns of the Weak 04/05/02 (Part 2)

                        PUNY RIDDLE CHAIN:

 •What would you call Ted Kazynski if he was castrated, released from
prison and assigned to work in a mortuary?
        The eunuch-embalmer  (Stan Kegel) •
 •A rich fellow had a red Rolls-Royce which was his pride and joy. He
doted over it as if it were his dog or cat. In fact, he referred to it
by terms which are commonly used to describe ones domestic companions.
Thus, whenever someone came to visit, this fellow would call to his
chauffeur to do something which, coincidentally, is a command often used
by world leaders to show respect to visiting dignitaries. What would he
tell the chauffeur?
        "Roll out the Red Car Pet" (Clynch Varnadore)•
 •A military leader was about to launch a viciously brutal attack upon a
factory where crystal chandeliers were manufactured. What were his
orders to the troops just before he sent them in with guns blazing?
        Take no prismers  (Gary Hallock) •
 •What do you call a giant cousin of the shark family who became a
Buddhist and spent much of his time in deep meditation?
        A Mantra Ray (Ken Pinkham)•
 •What Disney movie was an account of a certain ecdysiast's style of performance?
        Fan tease ya  (Cynthia MacGregor)  •
 •Two hippies were going through a bitter divorce. They had finally
settled who would get to keep the VW microbus, the futon, the lava lamp
and the bong. The only remaining thing on which they could not reach an
agreement was their large collection of potted plants. They had both
invested so much of their time and energy into raising them that they
each felt as though these plants were like their own children. With that
in mind, what was the obvious solution?
        Joint Custody (Gary Hallock)•
 •When my bride refused to cook me any type of soup, I had our marriage
annulled. What grounds did I have?
        The marriage had never been consommeted.(Stan Kegel)•
 •When God was creating the world, what famous actor got the subcontract
to manufacture no less than 999,999 crustacean cases with which to
litter the earth's beaches?
        Makes a million shells  (Gary Hallock) •

                        OTHER RIDDLES:

 •What did one chick say to the other when it found some citrus food in
their nest?
        Look at the orange Mama laid.  (Lederer & Ertner)•
 •Why does the bride always wear white?
        Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and the
refrigerator. (Bree Shultz)•
 •What animal is a cannibal?
         The cow because it eats its fodder.  (Lederer & Ertner)•
 •How do chickens start a race?
        From scratch  (Lederer & Ertner)•
 •What kind of monster do you have to look out for at the Laundromat?
        A washin' werewolf. (Goatboy) •
 •Why are some cattle heretical?
        Because they are burned at the steak.  (Lederer & Ertner) •
 •What do you call a group of Australians in line for grilled steak?
        A barbie queue.  (Lederer & Ertner) •

                        DEFINITIONS:

 •Information: How birds migrate  (Lederer & Ertner) •
 •Yukon: Accusation that you are a swindler (Stan Kegel)•
 •Gruesome: Got taller and put on weight. (Brandy Brandon)•
 •Inmate: A husband or wife that stays home. (Leonard Fechtner) •
 •X-Ray: Raymond after his sex change operation (Stan Kegel)•
 •Impeccable: Something a chicken cannot eat.  (Lederer & Ertner)  •
 •Indistinct: The place people put dirty dishes. (Leonard Fechtner)•
 •Quire: A church singing group (Stan Kegel)•
 •Hallucinate: What mother said to Harold when she found he had tied up
Nathan.  (Brandy Brandon)•
 •Conversion: A sects change operation (M. Rose Pierce)  •
 •Infantry: A baby oak (Leonard Fechtner)•
 •Vacuum Cleaner: A sonic broom (Stan Kegel)•
 •Dog Pound: A used cur lot (Lederer & Ertner)  •
 •X-ray: Inside information (Hal Stebbins)  •
 •Inhibited:  Tied up in nots.  (M. Rose Pierce)  •
 •Ideal: my turn to pass out the cards (Leonard Fechtner)  •
 •Racist: Someone who worships  the Daytona 500 (Stan Kegel)•
 •Quadratic: Powered by four rather large rodents. (Ken Shurget)•
 •Invite: How a bride is dressed. (Leonard Fechtner)•

                        TOM SWIFTIES:

 •"I tried to keep them from spending our entire promotional budget on
those jingles," Tom replied adversely. (Stan Kegel).•
 •"I don't think it's a great idea to take us snorkeling," said Tom with
a sinking feeling. (Bobsie)•
 •"Were any messages left for me in my absence?" Tom asked phonetically.
(Daniel Reihs).•
 •"He seems to be on the level," Tom said flatly. (Stan Kegel) •
 •"I'll take a gin and tonic," Tom said spiritedly. (Daniel Reihs).•
 •"As I took off my heavy coat, the floodlights were turned on," Tom
replied enlightenedly  (Stan Kegel)•
 •"I'm rereading the second Gospel," Tom remarked. (Gill Krebs)•
 •"Not the tin man!" Tom shouted dishearteningly.. (Daniel Reihs)•
 •"She always knew what I was thinking without my having to say a word,"
Tom said sentimentally. (Stan Kegel).•
 •"She's already married," said Tom mistakenly. (Gill Krebs)•
 •"Watch me jump off of this Parisian bridge," Tom said inseinely..
(Daniel Reihs)•
 •Before the divorce, she used to point out my faults continually," Tom
said excitedly (Stan Kegel).•
 •"Why shouldn't I stir my yoghurt with a ballpoint pen?" Tom bickered.
(Gill Krebs)•

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