Digest for Saturday, April 06, 2002

There are 11 messages totalling 548 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Feelin sick
  2. Puns of the Weak 04/05/02 (Part 3)
  3. Its pay day
  4. Nookie
  5. Roll Call.....
  6. One-Liners
  7. Dishes
  8. Guards fired for allowing sex in museum
  10. Jim Mullens Hot Sheet
  11. Puns of the Weak 04/05/02 (Part 1)


Date:    Sat, 6 Apr 2002 09:48:05 +0200
From:    Th. Legters <tlegters@XS4ALL.NL>
Subject: Feelin' sick

Patient: 'Doc, every morning when I look in the mirror, I have to throw
Doc: 'Luckily your eyes are ok.'

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Date:    Sat, 6 Apr 2002 01:00:23 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Puns of the Weak 04/05/02 (Part 3)


 •The difference between a king and a president is that a king is the
son of his father, but a president isn't (Richard Lederer).•
 •Ladies, you will enjoy Sam's department storesshopping, which features
clothing for the entire family. Our special this week is men's trousers.
So for the biggest thing in men's trousers, come in and see Sam.
(Commercial as quoted by Kermit Schafer)•
 •The Puritans thought every event significant because it was a massage
from God. (Richard Lederer)•
 •Be sure not to miss "The Coming of Christ", Wednesday, 8:30 P. M.,
7:30 Central time. (Station Break announcement)•
 •To be a good nurse, you must be absolutely sterile. (Richard Lederer)•
 •We are going to do a medley of songs from World War eye. (Lawrence
Welk on his TV show)  •
 •When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.
(Richard Lederer)•
 •The batter hit a line drive off the shortstop's leg, which rolled into
left field. (Jim Mica)•
 • All the world is thrilled with the marriage of the Duck and Doochess
of Windsor. (News broadcaster)•


 • "I should be punished
 For every pun I shed;
 Do not leave a punny shred
 Of my punnish head!" (Samuel Johnson)•

 • "When you walk down the aisle don't look grim."
 Said the preacher. "We'll then sing a hymn.
        When I stand by the alter
        The groom must not falter."
 "Ah yes," said the bride, "Aisle, alter, hymn."  (Gill Krebs)•

 • Most Americans
 Consider travel abroad
 As foreign to them (Guy Ben-Moshe)•

 • She eyed the sushi
 Tempted by Nippon cuisine
 Aso, she ate it (Guy Ben-Moshe)•

 • The librarian
 Says their budget has been cut
 Can't they just fine more? (Gary Hallock) •

 • Cold fusion is hot
 But what generates the heat?
 Pure science friction (Gary Hallock) •

 • Uncle Henry's wife
 Broke her hip. A victim of
 Auntie gravity (Gary Hallock) •

 • TV dog food ads--
 Canine culinary treats--
 Call them "cur-mercials" (Cynthia MacGregor) •


 •Never lie to an x-ray technician. They can see right through you. (Pun
of the Day)•
 •He refused to study history because there’s no future in it.  (Jumble)•
 •When Junior braked too hard, Dad put a stop to it. (Jumble)•
 •The crafty cement salesman managed to scam several residents of the
Greek island. I canít believe that his concrete scheme worked." (The Big Pun)•
 •Did you hear about the all midget porno flick?
        The first to feature full runtal nudity. (Very Punny)•
 •The gluttonous aardvark was asked by the banquet waiter, "Is that your
final ant, sir?" (E4Fun)•
 •A zoo had too many panda bears, so they built a pandemonium.  (Pun of
the Day)•
 •Some diets cause a gut reaction. (Pun of the Day)•
 •Some people don't like food going to waist. (Pun of the Day)•
 •What letters are not in the alphabet?
        The ones that are in the mail.  (The Daily Groaner)•
 •Teaching your kids in the heat of the moment is bad heir-conditioning.
 (Pun of the Day)•
 •Archers study arrow dynamics (Pun of the Day)•
 •The man with the boring personality has a huge debt at the bedding
store. I wonder how much the pillows. (The Big Pun)•
 •A one-wood golf club walks into a bar and asks the barman for a beer
but the barman refuses to serve him.  "Why not?" "Because you're the
designated driver." (The Daily Groaner)•
 •Two wrongs don't make a right,  but three rights make a left.  (Intl
Save the Pun Fnd)•
 •Noah wasn't the first off the ark. He came forth.  (Pun of the Day)•
 •The noisy plumbers were told to pipe down.  (Jumble)•
 •Did you hear about the guy who scheduled an appointment with an
impotence clinic?  He had to cancel because something came up. (Very Punny)•
 •The figure skater's sparkly costumes were stored out of sequence. (The
Big Pun)•
 •We finally arrived in Moscow, tired and hungry, S0VIET (Intl Save the
Pun Fnd)•
 •Some people don't have the Vegas idea of how to quit gambling.  (Pun
of the Day)•
 •Nurses often have to check their patient's impulse without missing a
beat (Pun of the Day encore)•
 •A bear walks into a bar and says "Bartender, give me a gin
................ .................... ............. ..................
..................... and tonic. Bartender says , sure buddy but whats
up with the long pause? The bear looks at his hands and say I dunno, my
dad had them too. (The Daily Groaner)•
 •Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered
from bad breath. This made him.... what?
        A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.  (The Daily Groaner)•

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Date:    Sat, 6 Apr 2002 06:44:09 -0800
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: It's pay day

 A husband comes home on payday and hands his wife an empty
 pay envelope. She says, "What happened?"

"I'm not sure." he replies. "Either they made a mistake in
the payroll department or my deductions finally caught up
with my salary."

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Date:    Sat, 6 Apr 2002 07:44:09 -0600
From:    Tom and Carrol <tcr@CHARTER.NET>
Subject: Nookie <sexual innuendo>

"Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex =
with Nookie Green every week for the last month".

Nookie Green seems to be very popular with my male parishioners the =
priest thinks. Then he tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and =
say three Hail Mary's."

Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two =
months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice =
a week for the last two months."

This time the priest has to ask, "Who is Nookie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.

"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."

The priest leaves the church wondering, who in the world is Nookie =
Green?  The next morning in church the priest is preparing to deliver =
his sermon,  Then suddenly a gorgeously tall woman enters. All the men's =
eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down =
right in front of the priest. Her dress is green and way too short, with =
matching shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and alter boys gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes =
and dress, sits with her knees slightly spread apart.

The priest turns to the alter boy and asks, sotto voce, "Is that Nookie =

The alter boy's eyes are popping out of his head as he replies, "No, =
Father,  I think it's just the reflection off her shoes!"

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Date:    Sat, 6 Apr 2002 09:21:35 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Roll Call.....

It was early morning at an Army camp and the first sergeant was calling
out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper:

"Seeback"..........." --
"Seeback!".........." --
"SEEBACK!!"........." --

At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeant's ear. He looked
again at what the last name really said, quickly turned over the list and
continued calling the names printed on the other

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Date:    Sat, 6 Apr 2002 09:58:01 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: One-Liners

* We had a great neighborhood watch going when I was a kid...
   until she closed her curtains.
* He's what every woman wants - strong, sensitive...battery
* There is no truth in the rumor that Roy Rogers's horse Trigger
   sued him for palomino-mony.
* Chap with a fetish walks into a sex shop and asks: "So how's the
   leather been lately?"
* The latest product on the market in the continuing war against
   white ants - it's called 'Arson'.
* Unfortunately, since I went on the wagon, the wagon went and got
   a liquor licence.
* Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
* Marriage - nature's way of stopping people fighting with
* OK, so God made Heaven and Earth. But what has he done recently?
* Graffiti: Dylexics of the world - untie!
* My grandfather died peacefully in his sleep. Which is more than
   I can say for the three passengers he had in his car at the time.
* My friend is so full of self-importance - when he dies, he wants
   his mail forwarded.
* ..He's also a master of the English language. He's the only bloke
   I know who can describe Pamela Anderson and Dolly Parton without
   using his hands!
* I eat from the three major food groups: McDonald's, Hungry Jack's
   and Pizza Hut.
* I always keep a coat hanger in the glove box - just in case I
   locked my keys in the car.
* When a girl says "No" she really means "Yes", but not with you.
* To err is human..to really stuff up something up takes a
* Sure you can't take it with you. But you can stash it where no
   other bastard can find it.
* I can't wait to get really old - then I can actually pick my nose
   in public.
* My father never liked me. As a kid we'd play trains - he used to
   tie me to the tracks!
* ...And to used to give me bath toys like electric toasters and
   hair dryers.
* When I was a teenager it took me a lot of time to work up the
   courage to ask the druggist for a packet of condoms. Now it
   takes me even longer to choose which color.
* Women! First they marry you for your money....then they divorce
   you for it!
* I told her I'd take her on a ocean cruise - she said she'd
   rather a Tom Cruise.
* My wife says my sex drive has taken up walking.
* I told my wife I want to die in bed. She said, "You did last
   night - three times!"
* He's just a bit kinky - only  went through nursing school so he
   could wear white pantyhose.
* We were having such a romantic afternoon making love in the back
   of the Mercedes - then they kicked us out of the showroom.
* I'm gradually getting my body back into shape - at least twice a
   week I think about doing some exercise.
* Loser? He's such a loser he says he was forced to have sex in a
   hotel room against his will. Problem was he all alone.
* My wife had a sex change...Now it's Wednesday's and Saturday's
   instead of Tuesday's and Friday's.
* You know when your losing you're figure when you come home and
   find your husband wearing your bra and panties - and he looks
   better in them.
* Ugly? She's so ugly in the school play she played the hunchback
   of Notre Dame...without make-up.
* My mother-in-law told me exercise helps burn off the calories. I
   told her a flamethrower would be quicker.
* We have a self-cleaning refrigerator - she leaves stuff in there
   so long, it eventually crawls out under it's own steam.
* My psychiatrist says I'm manic-depressive - I have mixed feelings
   about that.
* Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words
   - "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been".
* He was an unwanted child - his parents gave him plastic bags to
   play with.
* Enough is enough - unless of course you're a nymphomaniac!


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Date:    Sat, 6 Apr 2002 10:09:31 -0700
From:    Emko Witteveen <emko@MAC.COM>
Subject: Dishes

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that
he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?

His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and
on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?"

He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the
woman came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see
how things had gone.

"I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted
on washing the dishes."

"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother.

"We hadn't started eating yet."

  "Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and
    permanently set".
     - Rev. Denny Brake

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Date:    Sat, 6 Apr 2002 11:26:29 -0700
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Guards fired for allowing sex in museum

   Two Romanians have been fired by one of Bucharest's most famous museums for letting couples have sex in its ornate cottages for bribes of up to $3.
   Undercover television reporters posing as lovers filmed the two guards offering them access to peasant dwellings in the Village Museum, one of Europe's oldest open-air exhibits.
   The Culture Ministry said it had dismissed the two men after the TV footage was aired on Thursday night on a popular network. It has asked police to investigate the case.

Source: +Reuters, April 5, 2002+

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Date:    Sat, 6 Apr 2002 12:09:35 -1000
From:    Mickey&Karen <mhenn@GTE.NET>

Guys, you know you are getting old when you've been
with a woman all night and the only thing that comes
is daylight.

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Date:    Sun, 7 Apr 2002 00:15:02 -0500
From:    The Punk with the Stutter <thepunkwiththestutter@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: Jim Mullen's Hot Sheet

What the country is talking about this week...

1)  "The Osbournes"  It's so successful MTV is planning six more reality shows.
"The Rodmans," "The Buttafuocos," "The Grubmans," "The Thorntons"...

2)  Phil Donahue:  The pre-Oprah host is reportedly talking to MSNBC about a
prime-time gig.  Today's topic: Are there too many old white guys on the all-news

3)  "Once and Again"  The much-loved but little-watched show has been canceled.
The last episodes will just be called "Once."

4)  Tobacco tablets:  A lozenge of ground-up, compacted tobacco.  A solution to
the age-old problem of too-fresh breath.

5)  Garth Brooks & Trisha Yearwood:  Rumor is they're dating.  I didn't even know
they were related.

6)  David Gest:  Liza's new husband continues to face rumors about his sexuality.
One easy way to stop the whispering: adopt a baby in Florida.

7)  Louis Rukeyser:  He wasn't attracting those hip, young investors to "Wall
Street Week."  Oh yeah, there aren't any.

8)  Magic Johnson:  He might run for mayor of L.A.  He's tired of being
well-respected and popular; he wants to be a politician.

9)  The winter egg:  The jewel-encrusted Faberge bauble could bring $4 million to
$6 million at auction.  To hell with the egg, bid on the chicken.

10)  "National Lampoon's Van Wilder"  The trials and tribulations of a student's
seventh year of college.  What does it say when you're 25 and still use a fake ID?

11)  Panic rooms:  Wealthy paranoids are spending upwards of $100,000 to have a
place to hide from home invaders.  They never heard of a back door?

12)  Donna Karan:  The designer broke her knee heli-skiing.  The most painful
part: finding out casts don't come in black.

13)  "High Crimes"  Lawyer Ashley Judd defends her husband, who may be guilty of
war crimes, at a murder trial.  Gee, honey, how was your day?

14)  "Amadeus: The Director's Cut"  So what were we watching the first time?  The
Pool Cleaner's Cut?

15)  Drought alert:  They've had to turn off the fountains in New York City.  And
we're not allowed to water our concrete.
___   ___   ___   ___   ___   ___   ___   ___
Copyright © 2002 Entertainment Weekly and Time Inc.

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Date:    Sat, 6 Apr 2002 22:39:24 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Puns of the Weak 04/05/02 (Part 1)

                        IN THE NEWS:

 •It's next Sunday that all the barbers observe a holiday--Daylight
Shaving Time. (Cynthia MacGregor)•
 •I hear the original NY baseball team was made up of dentists who
played ball in their spare time. This is where the team name came from
... Yankees. (Cynthia MacGregor)•
 •It's next Sunday that all the chefs observe a holiday--Daylight Saving
Thyme. (Cynthia MacGregor)•
 •I hear that over the winter they built a motel with a pretty garden
around it in the middle of Yankee Stadium. Even those who don't stay at
the motel go to visit the inn field. (Cynthia MacGregor)•
 •Did you know the semi-annual time-switch also existed in ancient
history? The Roman Emperors observed Daylight Slaving Time. (Cynthia MacGregor)•
 •I understand that the motto of Daylight Savings Time came from
watching a jack-in-the-box at work. Spring a head. (Cynthia MacGregor)•

                        LONGER PUNS
 •One day Adam took his two sons, Cain and Abel up on a high hill
overlooking a beautiful valley wherein was The Garden of Eden. As they
gazed in wonder at the lush vegetation and beautiful flowers below them,
Adam said, "Take a good look boys. That's where we lived before your
mother ate us out of house and home!" (Archives)•
 •As I was traveling by a fuel oil company. They had a sign displaying
the forecast of the weather. It said, "Whether today, sunny and mild."
That was the worst spell of weather I've ever seen. (Syman Hirsch)•
 •A girl walked up to the information desk in a hospital and  asked to
see the "upturn". "I think you mean the 'intern', don't you?" asked the
nurse on duty. "Yes," said the girl. "I want to have a 'contamination.'"
"You mean 'examination,'" the nurse corrected her. "Well I want to go to
the 'fraternity ward,' anyway." "I'm sure you mean the maternity ward."
To which the girl replied: "Upturn, intern; contamination,  examination,
fraternity, maternity.... what's the difference?  All I know is I
haven't demonstrated in two months,  and I think I'm stagnant." (Rubin)•
 •“I hear your son is going to be in the school play.” “Yes, he’s a shy
boy and I hope this will get him out of his shell.” “What role does he
have?” “He’s playing a turtle.” (Danny Perry) •
 •One day recently my wife had a dentist appointment early in the
morning so she didn't fill her thermos with java when she left the
house. She speculated that she might swing back by the house later on
her way to work. Thus the drip pot was still on when I left home as I
speculated to my son, "She may or may not come back to fill her thermos.
Either way, it's safe to assume she will have Mr Coffee." (Gary Hallock)•
 •William Tell was not only a great patriot and a great archer, he was
also a great cook. One day, after he had prepared a new dish for his
friends, he said, 'I think there is one or more spices missing. What do
you think?' Their answer was, 'Only Thyme, Will Tell!' (Janice)•
 •I think all those guys at the Internal Revenue Service are so damn
picky.  They denied a 50 percent depreciation deduction on me.  It was
all my wife's idea though.  She said I'm not half the man I used to be. (Gag-O-Matic)•
 •Five bulls were standing in a pasture discussing what they wanted to
be when they grew up. The first said he wanted to go to Rome and become
a papal bull. The second wanted to go to New York and become a bull on
Wall street. The third wanted to go to the Windy City and become a
Chicago Bull. The fourth wanted to go to Beijing and become a bull in a
China shop. The fifth said he was going to stay in the pasture for
heifer and heifer and heifer.  (Lederer & Ertner) •
 •"May I try on that dress in the window?" the gorgeous woman asked the
manager of the designer boutique.  "Go ahead," the manager replied.
"Maybe it'll attract some business."(Joke Nite)•
 •When my husband and I showed up at a very popular restaurant, it was
crowded. I went up to the hostess and asked, "Will it be long?" The
hostess, ignoring me, kept writing in her book. I asked again, "How much
of a wait?" The woman looked up from her book and said, "About ten
minutes." A short time later, we heard an announcement over the
loudspeaker: "Willette B. Long, your table is ready." (Clean Cut Jokes)•
 •Three bulls escaped from a ranch. The largest bull was so slow that he
was caught in no time flat. The medium sized bull was caught some time
later. The smallest bull, however, eluded the rancher for several hours.
Which just goes to show that a little bull goes a long way.  (Lederer & Ertner)•
 •While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of
medical students. "As you can see," she says, "the patient limps because
his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Michael, what would you
do in a case like this?" "Well," ponders the student, "I suppose I'd
limp too." (Joke Nite)•
 •Asked why she was leaving her position, a secretary explained in her
letter of resignation: 'Dear boss, My reason for leaving will soon be
apparent - and so will  I. Mary (Clean Laffs)•
 •The police caught a guy trying to cash a phony check and took him down
to the station. While the officers were distracted, the crook grabbed
the check off the desk and swallowed it. No problem: the police waited
five or six hours and then charged the guy with passing a bad check
twice. (Gill Krebs) •
 •A mountain lion ate a whole bull and feeling good, began roaring and
roaring. A hunter, hearing the roaring, came along and plugged the
critter proving that if you’re full of bull, you should keep your mouth
shut.  (Lederer & Ertner) •
 •An eighth-grade teacher was leading a discussion on the qualifications
for being President of the United States. After the teacher commented
that a person must be a natural-born citizen, one of the students raised
her hand 'Does that mean that if you were born by Cesarean section that
you can't be President? (Syman & McNair)•
 •The Federal Bureau of Investigation today released its long-awaited
report on the late New York Yankee superstar,  Mickey Mantle. The sordid
report detailed Mantle’s drinking problems, liaisons with married women,
and reported blackmail by gamblers. Buried in the report was the
Bureau’s reasons for initiating the investigations. It was reported that
J. Edgar Hoover was interested in meeting the home run hitter personally
when it was reported to him that Mickey Mantle was a switch-hitter.
(Stan Kegel)•
 •Josh was helping Sally, his not too bright girlfriend, clean out the
trunk of her car. Inside, he noticed a bag labeled "Emergency Repair
Kit." Looking at it a little closer, he noticed a stick of dynamite
inside. Thinking that was a bit strange, he asked Sally what it was for.
She said, "It's part of my emergency repair kit." Josh said, "I can see
that, but why?" Sally replied, "In case I have a flat and need to blow
up one of my tires." ( Bree Schultz)•

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