Digest for Friday, April 05, 2002

There are 11 messages totalling 461 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Excuse me, please!
  2. Country Hits....
  4. Cruise Disaster
  5. U.S. Drops Cats Into Belgium
  6. Other Shoe
  7. Report from the Educational Frontlines: Kids are interested in Sex
  8. FAQ: Daylight Saving Time
  9. Preachers Donkey
  10. Football news
  11. Golden Phones


Date:    Fri, 5 Apr 2002 06:11:51 -0800
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Excuse me, please!

A meek little fellow in a restaurant timidly touched the arm
of a man putting on an overcoat. "Excuse me," he said, "but
do you happen to be Mr. Smith of Newport?"

"No, I'm not Mr. Smith," answered the man impatiently.

"Oh, well you see," continued the first man, "I am, and
that's his overcoat you're putting on."

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Date:    Fri, 5 Apr 2002 07:20:20 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Country Hits....

                Top Country Songs of 2001

15. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two on you.

14. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.

13. How Can I Miss You If you Won't Go Away?

12. I Liked You Better Before I Knew you So Well.

11. I Still Miss you, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better.

10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid she'd win.

9.  I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight.

8.  I'm So Miserable Without You; It's Like Having You here.

7.  If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now.

6.  My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss him.

5.  She Got The Ring, And I Got The Finger.

4.  You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly.

3.  Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure.

2.  She's Looking Better After Every Beer.

        And the No. 1 favorite country song is:

1.  I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women,
    But I've sure woke up with a few.

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Date:    Fri, 5 Apr 2002 07:49:09 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <PBenoit@COOKSONELECTRONICS.COM>


Bush Cites National Security Concerns, Inconvenience

WASHINGTON, April 1 - President Bush announced today that
the 2004 presidential election will be canceled due to the
war on terrorism and other scheduling conflicts.

Although the U.S. Constitution expressly mandates that
presidential elections be held every four years, a little-
known clause in the USA Patriot Act, which Congress hastily
approved in the wake of the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks,
gives the sitting president the option to cancel a
presidential election and remain in office indefinitely if
he deems it in the national interest.

In a brief statement from the Oval Office, Bush said, "A
dictatorship would be a heck of a lot easier, there's no
question about it," adding, "My administration is where our
nation finds hope, where wings take dream."

Upon hearing the news, Democrats on Capitol Hill promptly
rolled over and capitulated.

Former Vice President Al Gore was unavailable for comment,
as he could not be immediately resuscitated.

Experts agree that the election likely would have been only
a formality anyway, with Bush currently enjoying approval
ratings unmatched in presidential history. The latest Fox News
Opinion Poll put Bush's job performance rating at 165 percent.

The 2004 Re-Election Security Act is the latest in a series of
presidential initiatives intended to bring Americans aid and
comfort during a time of unprecedented fear and uncertainty.
It comes on the heels of Bush's highly touted Economic Security
Act and Energy Security Act, as well as the more controversial
Snack Food Security Act.

The cancellation of the election is expected to save the oil,
energy, accounting, tobacco and gun industries an estimated
$50 million in expenditures over the next two years. Instead,
the corporations will be asked to make voluntary donations to
a new pet project Bush announced today.

Under the plan, known as the Mt. Rushmore Security Act, George
Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln, and Theodore
Roosevelt will be joined by new stone carvings of both George
W. Bush and his father, former President George H. W. Bush.
A dedication ceremony will be held on the first Tuesday of
November 2004 in lieu of the presidential election.

It is not clear when, if ever, another presidential election
will be held. But congressional researchers announced today
that they had discovered another obscure clause in the USA
Patriot Act that sheds some light on the matter.

The clause, buried in a subsection called the Bush Dynasty
Security Act, states that in the event George W. Bush should
ever leave office, anyone not named Jeb, Jenna or Barbara is
expressly prohibited from governing the country.

"When given a choice between Republicans and Republicans,
 the people will always choose the Republicans."
                                          - Harry Truman

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intended for a specific individual and purpose, and is protected by law.  -
If you are not the intended recipient, you should delete this message and
are hereby notified that any disclosure, copying, or distribution of this
message, or the taking of any action based on it, is strictly prohibited.

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Date:    Fri, 5 Apr 2002 08:07:23 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Cruise Disaster

A Rabbi, a Protestant minister and a Catholic Priest were taking
a party of young boys kids on a cruise. Suddenly the ship hit a
rock and began to sink.

The Rabbi cried out,  "Quick! Save the kids!"

"Screw the kids!" said the minister heading out.

"Do you think we have time?" asked the priest.


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Date:    Fri, 5 Apr 2002 09:27:08 -0500
From:    Rollo Tomasi <rollotomasi@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: U.S. Drops Cats Into Belgium

Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com)  Countering accusations from liberals and
conservatives alike that U.S. policy in the Middle East has become "confused and
incoherent," the Bush administration today announced that it has in fact
parachuted 225,000 cats into Belgium.

Said White House spokesman Ari Fleischer: "The U.S. continues to support the peace
process between the Palestinians and the Israelis, and that is why we have been
dropping cats into Belgium, and will continue dropping cats into Belgium, until
all of Brussels is purring under a two-foot-deep blanket of cats."

Asked by one reporter what the operation had to do with halting violence in the
West Bank and Gaza, a visibly irritated Fleischer held up a map of the region and
a six-month-old tabby.

"Israel.  Palestine.  Cats," he said.  "Belgium."
___   ___   ___   ___   ___   ___
Copyright  2000-2002, SatireWire.

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Date:    Fri, 5 Apr 2002 09:02:58 -0700
From:    Emko Witteveen <emko@MAC.COM>
Subject: Other Shoe

One night a fellow drove his secretary home after she had
imbibed a little too much at an office reception. Although
this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it
to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.

The next night the man and his wife were driving to a res-
taurant. Suddenly he looked down and spotted a high-heel
shoe half hidden under the passenger seat. Not wanting to
be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out
her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out
of the car.

With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking
lot. That's when he noticed his wife squirming around in her
seat. "Honey," she asked, "have you seen my other shoe?"

Every man wants a wife who is beautiful,
understanding, economical and a good cook.

But, the law allows only one wife.

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Date:    Fri, 5 Apr 2002 17:09:39 -0500
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Report from the Educational Frontlines: Kids are interested in Sex <adult>

Upstate New York, 08-April-2002

Veterans of the elementary school classroom know that it isn't easy
to keep the attention of your basic 10- or 11-year-old boy. Recently
Mrs. Backus* was surprised when the lads in her 5th grade class hung
on her every word as she lectured to them.  Now the normal state of
affairs is that this is one group nearly oblivous to pedagogical
efforts.  But, the subject today was human reproduction and the
fellows didn't so much as snap their gum as Mrs. Backus gave them

The session had gone quite well so the teacher threw caution to the
wind and asked for questions.  Immediately little Johnny's hand
shot up.  Mrs. Backus braced for the worst, but didn't flinch under
the pressure.

"Mrs. Backus," began young Johnny, "how long does an erection last?"

"Well, Johnny, since I do not have a penis, I do not know.  Why don't
you ask your father?"

That was the last question for the day.

The reports I received indicate that there were high-fives all around
in the Teacher's lounge during recess.

What is true is what I can't help believing.
        Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.

*Not her real name

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Date:    Fri, 5 Apr 2002 17:00:10 -0500
From:    The Punk with the Stutter <thepunkwiththestutter@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: FAQ: Daylight Saving Time

Q:  Isn't it "Daylight SavingS," plural?

A:  No.  "Daylight" is singular; therefore, "Daylight Saving" is singular.
However, it is grammatically acceptable to use the plural if your home planet
orbits a binary star.
Q:  When does Daylight Saving Time start this year?

A:  Daylight Saving Time will begin on April 7 this year.  That means Russell
Crowe's birthday will be only twenty-three hours long this year.  Denzel
Washington's birthday, meanwhile, continues through the next seven months.
Q:  How does Daylight Saving Time work?

A:  On the first Sunday of April at 2 a.m., clocks are set forward one hour.  On
the first Sunday of September, the clocks move back.  On July 12, 2008, the clocks
will begin making these kinds of decisions on their own.
Q:  Is Daylight Saving Time uniform across the United States?

A:  No.  Daylight saving time is not observed in the United States' far-flung,
primitive, backward island territories, such as the Virgin Islands, or Hawaii.
Arizona does not observe Daylight Saving Time, thanks to the efforts of Sen. John
McCain to stop "the flow of 'soft time' that the special interests are using to
corrupt Washington's Circadian rhythms."  And Indiana is divided among counties
that switch from Eastern Standard to Eastern Daylight Times, counties that switch
from Central Standard to Central Daylight Times, and counties that are technically
part of the Eastern time zone but don't switch to Daylight Saving Time.
Q:  Why would Indiana do that?

A:  Indiana residents are nicknamed "Hoosiers," derived from the French fur
trapper's slang "housier," which means "one who makes life more difficult for the
sake of something to do."
Q:  Do other countries observe Daylight Saving Time?

A:  Yes, though it is implemented differently in each country.  For example, Iran
changes its clocks by the Iranian calendar devised by poet-astronomer Omar
Khayyam, whose famous Rubaiyat, in an early draft, begins:

        Awake! for Morning in the Bowl of Night
        Has flung the Stone that puts the Stars to Flight:
        And Lo! the Clock of Time has shifted Hands 
        An Hour's Sleep is lost for later Light.
        Make sure to reset your VCR!
Q:  What about seasonal differences in the Southern Hemisphere?

A:  Countries in the Southern Hemisphere have Daylight Saving Time during the
other half of the year to reflect their reversed schedule of seasons.  Australia,
for example, ended Daylight Saving Time on March 31, and Namibia will end Daylight
Saving Time on April 7.  So, if Russell Crowe were in the U.S. on Sunday, he would
have a 23-hour birthday.  If he were home in Australia, he would have a 24-hour
birthday.  But he will probably have a 25-hour birthday, as he will most likely be
in Namibia.
Q:  Does Daylight Saving Time actually save daylight?

A:  Yes.  With the extra hours of daylight saved, most people open up a money
market fund to maintain daylight liquidity and preserve daylight capital.
Q:  Does anybody dislike Daylight Saving Time?

A:  Farmers oppose Daylight Saving Time.  Training roosters to crow exactly one
hour before sunrise is very, very difficult; un-training them in the fall is nigh
impossible, and usually requires electric shock therapy denounced by several
animal rights groups.
Q:  Who first thought of Daylight Saving Time?

A:  Benjamin Franklin first proposed a version of "summer time" while
experimenting with electricity, and discovering that a charged Leyden jar could
effectively cure an insomniac rooster, if it survived.
Q:  How old will Russell Crowe be on Sunday, anyway?

A:  I'm sorry, this FAQ is about Daylight Saving Time.

Copyright 2002 Modern Humorist, Inc.

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Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com

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Date:    Fri, 5 Apr 2002 16:18:05 -0800
From:    Sue Birkenseer <Sue@PREMEDIASYSTEMS.COM>
Subject: Preacher's Donkey

A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the man that
this donkey had been trained in a very unique way, (being the donkey
of the preacher). The only way to make the donkey go is to say
"Hallelujah!"; the way to make him stop is to say, "Amen!"

The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on the
animal to try out the preacher's instructions. "Hallelujah!" shouted
the man. The donkey began to trot. "Amen!", shouted the man. The
donkey stopped immediately. "This is great!" said the man. With a
"Hallelujah," he rode off very proud of his new purchase. The man
traveled for a long time through some mountains. Soon he was heading
towards a cliff. He could not remember the word to make the donkey

"Stop" said the man. "Halt!" he cried. The donkey just kept on going.
"Oh No! Bible! Church! Please Stop!" shouted the man. The donkey just
began to trot faster. He was getting closer and closer to the edge of
the cliff.

Finally in desperation, the man said a prayer. "Please, Dear Lord.
Please make this donkey stop before I go off the edge of this
mountain. Amen." The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from
the edge of the cliff.

"Hallelujah!" shouted the man.

Susan Birkenseer

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Date:    Fri, 5 Apr 2002 19:37:05 -0700
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Football news

More than 5000 Irish soccer fans sign a petition urging their government to synchronize Ireland's clocks and work schedules with those in Japan and South Korea so that the fans can more easily watch the World Cup finals to be held there this June.

English vicar Stephen Girling plans to show the June 2 England-Sweden World Cup soccer match at his Stubbington church to lure parishioners to that day's service.

Source: +Sports Illustrated, April 1, 2002+

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Date:    Fri, 5 Apr 2002 22:28:25 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <rwoodman@ATTBI.COM>
Subject: Golden Phones

A man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book aboutchurches around the
country. He started by flying toSan Francisco, and started working east from
there.Going to a very large church, he began takingphotographs and making
notes. He spotted a goldentelephone on the vestibule wall and was
intriguedwith a sign which read "$10,000 a minute." Seeking out the pastor
he asked about the phone andthe sign. The Pastor answered that this golden
phoneis, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and ifhe pays the price he can
talk directly to God. The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way.As
he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Atlanta,Greensboro, Chicago,
Milwaukee, and all around theUnited States, he found more phones with the
same sign,and the same answer from each pastor. Finally, he arrived in
Texas. Upon entering a churchin Ft Worth, Texas, behold, he saw the usual
goldentelephone. But THIS time, the sign read "Calls:35 cents."  Fascinated,
he asked to talk to thepastor. "Reverend, I have been in cities all
acrossthe country and in each church I have found thisgolden telephone and
have been told it is a directline to Heaven and that I could talk to God,
but,in the other churches the cost was $10,000 aminute. Your sign reads 35
cents a call. Why?" The pastor, smiling benignly, replied, "Son, you'rein
Texas now.....it's a local call."

-=} Randall {=-  GOLDEN RULE: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

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