Digest for Thursday, April 04, 2002

There are 13 messages totalling 733 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Useful Expressions...
  2. Rules of Chocolate
  3. His dry cleaning costs [Adult language]
  4. Down Under
  5. At The Drive In
  6. Monkeykinesis
  7. In Search of Good Grammar
  8. condom shot
  9. The Code - What men really mean
  10. Euphemisms
  11. Traffic Report for March 2002
  12. Gay Palestinians Attempt to Blow Away Stereotypes, Jews
  13. (No Subject)


Date:    Thu, 4 Apr 2002 05:40:38 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Useful Expressions...

Useful Expressions for those HIGH STRESS days

1.  Well, aren't we just a ray of f*****g sunshine?
2.  Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
3.  Earth is full, Go home.
4.  This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
5.  I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
6.  You! Off my planet!!
7.  Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
8.  I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.
9.  Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
10. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
11. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
12. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
13. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
14. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
15. When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.

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Date:    Thu, 4 Apr 2002 05:36:30 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <rwoodman@ATTBI.COM>
Subject: Rules of Chocolate

From: Griff Evans

If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands,
you're eating it too slowly.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices
and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many
as you want.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal.  It'll
take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on
top of the fridge.  Calories are afraid of heights,
and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect

If you eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white
chocolate, that is a balanced diet. They actually
counteract each other.

Chocolate has many preservatives.  Preservatives make
you look younger.  Therefore, you need to eat more

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things
to do today.  That way, at least you'll get one thing

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total
daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't
that handy?

If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep
in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your
chocolate, what's wrong with you?

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for
control top pantyhose.  An entire garment industry
would be devastated.  You can't let that happen,
can you?

-=} Randall {=-  A Hunka, Hunka, Chocolate Cake... Elvis Presley

Need a Tagline?  Visit http://www.taglinesgalore.com/

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Date:    Thu, 4 Apr 2002 06:23:29 -0800
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: His dry cleaning costs [Adult language]

 Two buddies, Ralph and Rob, are getting very drunk
 at a bar when suddenly Rob throws up all over himself.
 "Oh, no. Now Jane will kill me!"

 Ralph says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in
 your breast pocket, tell Jane that someone threw up on
 you and gave you  twenty dollars for the  dry cleaning

 So they stay for another couple of hours and get even
 drunker. Eventually Rob rolls into home and his wife Jane
 starts to give  him a bad time. "You reek of alcohol and
 you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!"

 Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, Rob says, "Now wain
 aminit, I can e'splain everything! Itsh not what you think. I
 only had a couple drinks. But this other guy got sick on me ...
 he'd had one too many and he just couldn't hold his liquor. He
 said he was very sorry an' gave me twenty bucks for the cleaning

 Jane looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks."

 Oh, yeah...I almos' forgot, he shit in my pants, too."

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Date:    Thu, 4 Apr 2002 08:26:13 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <PBenoit@COOKSONELECTRONICS.COM>
Subject: Down Under

An Englishman, planning on a visit to Australia, was handed one
of those information cards to fill in, in normal Commonwealth
style. After the standard questions, like name, nationality,
passport number, etc., he got to one that asked: "Have you ever
been imprisoned?"

After thinking about that for some time, he entered: "I didn't
know it was still a requirement."


Tips to Surviving Australia:

  - Don't ever put your hand down a hole for any reason
    whatsoever. We mean it.
  - The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of
    how strong you think it is.
  - Always carry a stick.
  - Air-conditioning.
  - Do not attempt to use Australian slang, unless you
    are a trained linguist and good in a fistfight.
  - Thick socks.
  - Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works
    when there are people nearby.
  - If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of
    water with you at all times, or you will die.
  - Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians,
    there is always a core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?

This message (including any attachments) contains confidential information
intended for a specific individual and purpose, and is protected by law.  -
If you are not the intended recipient, you should delete this message and
are hereby notified that any disclosure, copying, or distribution of this
message, or the taking of any action based on it, is strictly prohibited.

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Date:    Thu, 4 Apr 2002 08:52:19 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: At The Drive In

A guy and a blonde are making out feverishly in the front seat of
his car. After an hour or so, he whispers in her ear, "Do you want
to move to the back seat?"

She replies, "NO!"

So he continues making out with her, getting more and more passionate
by the minute.

Again he asks her, "Do you want to move to the back seat?"

Flabbergasted, he says, "Why Not?"

To which she replies, "Well, I want to stay up here with you. It'd
be lonely back there!"


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Date:    Thu, 4 Apr 2002 06:17:40 -0800
From:    The Punk With The Stutter <thepunkwiththestutter@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: Monkeykinesis

        FOLLOWING THE ANNOUNCEMENT that scientists at Brown University had created
        a brain implant that allowed a monkey to move a computer cursor with its mind, news
        agencies around the globe hailed this advancement in neuroscience and monkey torture.
        Few news outlets, however, delved beyond the headline, thereby missing out on other
        fascinating results of the research.

Monkey 001A - Uses mind to move computer cursor, receives banana as reward from scientists.
Monkey goes temporarily insane when "Flying Windows" screen saver pops up.

Monkey 124C - Uses mind to move banana directly to mouth, eliminating need to move cursor and
please scientists.  Monkey 124C then uses mind to move scientists out window, where they
plummet eight stories down into the research centerís lap pool.

Monkey 736G - Uses mind to move the Baxter family from a duplex in the city to a three-bedroom
starter in the suburbs.  When Alice Baxter complains to the monkey that her commute will now
be twice as long, Monkey 736G nips the dangly flesh beneath her arm.

Monkey 658E - Uses mind to move for an adjournment, as clearly the case of Alice Baxter v.
Monkey 736G is not going to be settled before dinner.

Monkey 390U - Uses mind to move a grown man to tears with a tragic tale of passionate yet
doomed monkey love.  Man feels so sorry for monkey that he gives him five dollars for bananas,
but will later feel deceived when he realizes the storyís premise was lifted from the film
"Dying Young."

Monkey 882B - Uses mind to move the last of the winter pullovers before the new spring line of
crop tops arrive.  Monkey 882Bís business acumen and salesmanship is praised by regional
manager, Monkey 275H, who mates with her furiously.

Monkey 923S - Uses mind to move the plot forward, sacrificing character development and
believability.  After being savaged by one critic, who arrogantly refers to the device as
nothing but a "Deus ex Monkina," monkey breaks critic in half and stuffs him up chimney.

Monkey 192Y - Uses mind to move bowels onto desk of critic who savaged the work of Monkey
923S.  When Monkey 923S explains that he has already killed the critic via a method which will
be recognized by the authorities as a sly literary reference, Monkey 192Y expresses his
delight by flinging handfuls of his feces at the wall.

Monkey 737R - Uses mind to move in mysterious ways.

Monkey 235P - Uses mind to move on.  While this scientific research stuff is good for paying
the bills, in five years, Monkey 235P really sees himself in some kind of banana-related

Copyright 2002 Modern Humorist, Inc.

Do You Yahoo!?
Yahoo! Tax Center - online filing with TurboTax

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Date:    Thu, 4 Apr 2002 10:59:26 -0500
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: In Search of Good Grammar

Today, class, we're looking at grammatical problems that can arise
when we construct complex sentences using relative clauses.

What follows is taken verbatim from class notes for Grammar, Usage and Style.
The professor in charge of the course has judiciously requested anonymity.
When good relative pronouns go bad

     Another problem results when we separate relative clauses from the noun
phrases they modify:

          Andie MacDowell made her screen debut as the American ward of
          Lord Greystoke who falls in love with Tarzan.

          About two years ago, a wart appeared on my left hand, which I
          wanted removed.

          The batter hit a line drive off the shortstop's leg, which
          rolled into left field.

          People who use birth control methods that smoke a lot are in
          danger of birth defects.

          The French government is preparing commercials encouraging the
          use of condoms that are blunt enough to shock even liberal

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Date:    Thu, 4 Apr 2002 08:23:30 -1000
From:    Mickey&Karen <mhenn@GTE.NET>
Subject: condom shot

Jerry and Phil were teeing off on the long par 5
seventh hole. Eric decided he was going to reach the
green in two and took such a cut at the ball that he
almost fell over. The ball skimmed out over the course
about 5 feet above the ground, slicing into a tree and
bouncing into the fairway about 150 yards out.

Phil said: "Nice condom shot."

Jerry said: "What's a condom shot."

Phil said: "Safe, but doesn't feel good."

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Date:    Thu, 4 Apr 2002 15:38:41 -0600
From:    Tom and Carrol <tcr@CHARTER.NET>
Subject: The Code - What men really mean

Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously
stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in
my hand, while the fish swim by in
complete safety."

Means: "There is no rational thought pattern
connected with it, and you have no chance
at all of making it logical".

Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

Means: Absolutely nothing.
It's a conditioned response.

Means: "I have no idea how it works."

Means: "I was wondering if that redhead
over there is wearing a bra."

Means: "I can't hear the game over
the vacuum cleaner."

Means: "Are you still talking?"

Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop',
the address of the first girl I ever kissed,
and the vehicle identification numbers
of every car I've ever owned,
but I forgot your birthday."

Means: "The girl selling them on the corner
was a real babe."

Means: "I have actually severed a limb,
ut will bleed to death before
I admit that I'm hurt."

Means: "And I sure hope I think of some
pretty darn soon."

Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands,
so I'm completely clueless."

Means: "What did you catch me at?"

Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you
just said, and am hoping desperately that I
can fake it well enough so that you don't
spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me,
and realize it could be worse."

Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit,
I'm starving already."

Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."

Means: "I make the mess, she cleans it up."

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Date:    Thu, 4 Apr 2002 16:57:57 -0700
From:    Emko Witteveen <emko@MAC.COM>
Subject: Euphemisms

Euphemisms are mild words used to camouflage disagreeable
truths.  The business world has developed a ravenous appetite
for euphemisms. For example:

Accept this special invitation.  (Pay money.)

Build relationships.  (Get money from.)

Convenience fee  (Interest charge)

Stock-market correction  (Crash)

Invest.  (Gamble.)

Misdeeds  (Crimes)

Multilevel business partners  (Suckers)
Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to
be when I grew up.

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Date:    Thu, 4 Apr 2002 20:23:53 -0500
From:    Douglas Harter <douglasharter@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Traffic Report for March 2002

Hi, everyone, this is Doug, with this month's traffic report. Once a
month, during the first part of the month, I send the report to
the entire HUMOR list.  Welcome to the month of
March, 2002.

Effective with the February 2002 Traffic Report, I am stopping the
Contributor's SpotLight. With only about 20 people contributing, I
have run out of Contributors willing to be featured in the SpotLight.
It is not worth keeping it for just new Contributors.

I have finished archiving the Digests from 1993 and 1994.
We now have Digests all the way back to the inception of
the HumorList in April 1993. I will have some highlights of
that first year in the next Traffic Report.

Daylight Saving Time starts this weekend in the USA.
Remember to reset your clocks.

A slight increase in Contributors and jokes this month.
Keep it up.
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             Traffic Report for March 2002

Week  Sun    Mon    Tue    Wed    Thu    Fri    Sat

 1                                        13     11
 2     11     12     12     11     12     15     13
 3     10     9      10     9      10     11     9
 4     10     14     11     11     11     8      9
 5     9      12     12     9      10     11     11
 6     9
                                          Mar    Feb    Mar    Mar
                                          2002   2002   2001   2000

# Jokes for the Month:                    335    323    322    227
# days of submissions for the month:      31     28     31     31
Average Jokes per day for the month:      11     12     10     7
# Contributors for the month:             27     26     33     35
# Subscribers as of end of the month:     7584   7564   6222   7498
# Contributors as of end of the month:    619    618    614    607
# Countries as of end of the month:       88     88     84     87

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And now, the Top 15 Contributors. This will show you which
Contributors are sending the most contributions of Humor each month.
Those who are posting every day are noted.

        Top 15 Contributors from 3/1/02 to 3/31/02

Contributor                                      # Posts

Les Pourciau                                      27
*The Punk                                         31
*Terry Tubman                                     31
*Bill Stebbins                                    31
Terry Galan                                       28
Rollo Tomasi                                      26
Stan Kegel                                        23
Sandy - AKA Ms Sam                                20
Paul Benoit                                       20
Randall Woodman                                   15
Emko Witteveen                                    15
Mickey&Karen                                      14
Rowe, Tom                                         7
Lee_Bradley                                       6
Rose Vos                                          5

* - Contributed Every Day
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The Humor staff is comprised of:
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  Bill Edwards, Founder and Listowner Emeritus

A daily average of 10-20 examples of humor.
A diversity of humor: sources, forms, subjects.
Freedom of expression for contributors.
Protection of sensitivities for readers (heading warning

Subject line should disclose the subject of the humor.
Subject line should include warning if potentially offensive.
One contribution per day.
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And finally, the one feature which has been featured in all Traffic Reports,
the contribution of Humor. Since, I am not a real regular contributor, I will
not be providing new Humor. Instead, I will provide a joke from the archives.
It will be at least 14 months old, so most of you won't remember it. You will
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I will provide the Subject line (Topic). Since there are now HTML versions of
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My contribution of Humor from the Archives:

This joke is joke # 7 in the Digest for 4/20/98
The title of the Joke is: Titanic - Have you noticed ? <Part 1/2>
You can read it directly on the HTML Digest for that day at:
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             Doug Harter, Traffic Reporter and Archiver

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Date:    Thu, 4 Apr 2002 21:34:31 -0500
From:    Rollo Tomasi <rollotomasi@COMCAST.NET>
Subject: Gay Palestinians Attempt to Blow Away Stereotypes, Jews

WEST BANK -- Ahmed and Yusaf are all too familiar with the hatred and disgust that
their relationship evokes in their Palestinian community.  Lovers for the past six
years, the two men have endured discrimination and hostility in many ugly forms,
from verbal assaults to physical ones.

But none of that is what motivates them today.  On this cool March morning, the
men have but a single purpose: to prove to their countrymen that gay Muslims can
still be effective soldiers in jihad.  "I'm sick of it," Yusaf explains while
slipping into a linen dress and stuffing two grenades into his bra.  "People think
that because we are gay that we cannot be dedicated Muslims, that we are not
willing to die for our beliefs."

Pulling a shirt over the duct-taped contraption on his chest and back, Ahmed
concurs.  He also recalls what it's like to have his faith doubted solely because
his lifestyle.  "People can be so intolerant and hateful," he says.  "But we will
send a message today by killing a bunch of stinking Jews."

The gay couple is no stranger to the war against the Israel.  In 1999 they formed
Gay Islamics Serving Muhammad (GISM), an organization dedicated to spreading
awareness and understanding of the gay Muslim lifestyle while "defending the one
true faith from the uncompromising Zionist pigs."

The men describe their founding of the organization as an accreditation of their
faith and lifestyle.  "It was important for us to prove to our families that we
weren't just a bunch of pluckahs (rump-rangers) using our prayer mats to
smahkta'rmp (have anal intercourse) and akbak dukbar (suck cock)," says Ahmed.
"We needed to show our peers that when the Israelis give it to us in the mouth we
are ready to spit it right back out at them, no matter what our sexual

Life has been particularly difficult on Yusaf, as playing the female role in the
relationship has led to significantly more harassment.  "They say that I do not
have the porbah-porbahs (testicles) to fight for Muhammad," he says.  "They do not
understand that I simply tape them back to provide a smooth and attractive
inseam."  As for the alleged miniscule size of his penis, Yusaf yanks the AK-47
from his large purse and brandishes it high in the air.  "Is this gun big enough
for you, close-minded Jewish swine?"

The recent escalation of tensions in the Middle East has made Ahmed and Yusaf even
more determined to prove their worth as Muslims.  When the suicide bombings
started several years ago, it was mostly single, young men that chose to martyr
themselves for the cause.  However, recent weeks have seen several female suicide
bombers, and this revelation has caused GISM to reassess its own status in the war
against Israel.  "It's about equality," Ahmed says.  "Annihilating Jews isn't just
for heterosexuals, it's for everyone."

Finally, their moment has come.  Checking their weapons and explosives one last
time, the men embrace and bid farewell to their klemar (haven of depraved sexual

On the street, the men are all smiles as they hold hands and walk amidst the
Jewish settlement looking for a bus stop.  Spotting one, they hurry towards it
while spouting cheerful greetings.  "Good morning, my Jewish brothers," hails
Ahmed.  "Shalom!" shouts Yusaf.

The settlers relax a little, and one even offers the barest trace of smile.  "Look
at the friendly Jewish occupiers, ah, settlers," says Yusaf.  "I'd say there are
what, between twenty-five to thirty of them?"  Ahmed nods in agreement, his smile

One girl is visibly shaken by their presence.  Yusaf puts a reassuring arm around
her and coos, "Come now young lady.  We are but peaceful, gay Muslims.  Don't go
to pieces."

"Yes," beams Ahmed as the bus approaches.  "Please give us chance.  I think we
will blow your minds."
___    ___    ___    ___
© 2002 National Lampoon

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Date:    Thu, 4 Apr 2002 19:55:52 -0700
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: (No Subject)

+Got this from my friend Ana E. Muss+

A student in my physics class did his math with a pen. He had to use lots of Liquid Paper to cover the mistakes. I recommended to him that he use a pencil. The next day I saw him covering his pencil marks with Liquid Paper.

Is your boss reading your email? ....Probably
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