Digest for Wednesday, April 03, 2002

There are 11 messages totalling 477 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Puns of the Weak 03/29/02 (Part 4)
  2. Things you wish you could say....
  3. A lawyers good deed
  4. Great Truths
  6. Good vibes
  7. Armageddon?
  8. solution
  9. Daylight savings time
  10. Coupon
  11. This Weeks News In Brief


Date:    Wed, 3 Apr 2002 02:31:47 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Puns of the Weak  03/29/02 (Part 4)


 • On the day of his wedding, the male
 Should not peek at his bride, says the tale
        So try as he might
        To keep her in sight
 It all really is to know a veil (Gary Hallock) •

 • Most movie monsters
 Have little in common 'cept
 As sordid features (Guy Ben-Moshe)•

 •Pity Charlie Brown
 Nearly fifty years stripping
 Working for Peanuts (Gary Hallock) •

 • The least popular
 Ag workers are grape pickers
 They just wine and wine (Guy Ben-Moshe)•

 • Agriculturists
 Get pills to help their crops grow
 From a pharm-assist. (Cynthia MacGregor) •

 • It seems stress creates
 Temporal rifts and sew she
 Makes a stitch in time (Gary Hallock) •

                        FOR ADULTS ONLY:

 •What are two things in the air that can make a woman pregnant? Her
legs (Richard Lederer) •
 •Why did the guy call his dog Herpes?  Because he wouldn't heel.
(Harold Clark)•
 •"It was just a simple misunderstanding, Sergeant," Irish said to the
policeman called to the scene to investigate an indecent exposure
complaint by an angry woman at the bar. "You see, this woman and I were
drinking at the bar and she asked me what I wanted most in a woman......
so I showed her." (Whicked Whimsical Wit)•
 •"It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it." (Jokeman)•
 •"But my elderly aunt was considered a highly respectable spinster!"
the society matron protested. "Can't you find some way to cover up the
shocking fact that she died in bed while being simultaneously serviced
by two paid studs?" "You just leave it to me, Mrs. Van Horn," soothed
the police officer, "I'll just put it in my report that she died at the
stroke of two." (Laugh Your Ass Off)•
 •What did the Indian say when the white man tied his penis in a knot?
"How come?" (E4Fun)••
 •The tampons were on sale but the offer was valid only for a limited
period. (Gill Krebs)  However, there were no strings attached (Stan Kegel)•
 •What do gay termites eat? Wood Peckers. (Dim Wit)•
 •"Man who bounce woman on bed spring this spring have offspring next
spring." (Jokeman)•
 •A guy walks up to a hooker and asks, "how much do you charge to rub
the gentials?" She says, "The same as the Jews." (The Rave)•
 •She was only a realtor's daughter, and she gave lots away (Richard
Lederer) •
 •Chicks are weird, man.  Why the hell would that woman from the
Hawaiian escort service think I'd want to spend $150 on a stupid flower
necklace? (Ed Blount)•
 •A man with his hands in his pockets feels foolish, but a man with
holes in his pockets feels nuts. (Jokeman)•
 •Sow your wild oats on Saturday night. Then on Sunday pray for crop
failure. (Archives)•
 •Have you heard about the woman who had sex with a racehorse? She's now
in a stable condition. (Richard Lederer)•
 •Man who sneezes without tissue takes matters into his own hands. (Fuhrman)•
 •What do you get if you cross a donkey with an onion? Most of the time
you simply get an onion with long ears, but every once in a while you
get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes. (Ed Kotler)•
 •If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.  (Gill Krebs) •
 •Did you know that the author of the book "Joy of Sex" died after a
series of strokes! (The Placebo Page)•
 •Have you heard about the woman who had intercourse only with oversexed
men? She didn't have a lazy bone in her body. (Richard Lederer)•
 •Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn't budget. (Ed Hexter)•
 •Acupuncturists do it with a small prick (Archives) •
 •I got caught stealing rubbers and they treated me like a condom
criminal. (Ben Stein)•
 •Man who masturbate into cash register, soon come into money (Mutt’s Nuts)•
 •How do gays decide who gives and who takes? They decide on the sperm
of the moment (Kid’s Kingdom)•
 •Man who lay maiden in pantry get ass in jam. (Fuhrman)•
 •A man came up with a new invention, a vibrating tampon. That way a
woman can be at her best when she is at her worst. (Tom’s Burlesque)•
 •Girl who marry detective must kiss dick. (Fuhrman) •
 •Ad for Firestone Tires: "Best Blow Job In Town” (Terry Galan)•
 •'Virgin wool' comes from sheep the shepherd hasn't caught yet. (E4Fun)•
 •Have you heard about the three sailors who were walking along the
beach? A wave came along and sucked them under the boardwalk. (Richard Lederer)•
 •Little Johnny is standing on a corner yanking off. A cop comes along
and says, "What are you doing, little boy?" Little Johnny replied,
"Fuckin' nothing," (Michael Rogers)•
 •Confucius say, "Girl who sits on Judge's lap get honorable discharge."
(Jeff B.)•
 •Why do you get paid more at the Sperm Bank than at the Blood Bank?
Sperm is handmade.   (Tom’s Burlesque) •
 •Have you heard about the sentimental moyel? He was a skinflint who
saved all his clippings.   (Richard Lederer) •
 •What do a cheap hotel and tight jeans have in common? No ballroom. (M.
Rose Pierce) •
 •Why are condoms like the Republican Party?Because they stand for
inflation, halt production, and give you a false sense of security while
you're being screwed.   (M. Rose Pierce)•

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Date:    Wed, 3 Apr 2002 06:55:10 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Things you wish you could say....

Top things you wish you could say at work.....

1.  I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
2.  I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a fuck.
3.  How about "never"? Is "never" good for you?
4.  It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
5.  I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in
6.  Ahhh, I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again.
7.  You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
8.  I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.
9.  The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
10. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject
11. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
12. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
13. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
14. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
15. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
16. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
17. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of
18. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
19. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
20. No, my powers can only be used for good.
21. I'm really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me.
22. You sound reasonable......time to up my medication.
23. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
24. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
25. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
26. Who me? I just wander from room to room.

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Date:    Wed, 3 Apr 2002 06:14:21 -0800
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: A lawyer's good deed

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when
he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop
and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then," instructed the lawyer.

"But, sir, I have a wife and two children!"

"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said,
"Come with us."

"But sir, I have a wife and six children!" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well!" answered the lawyer as he headed for his limo.

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as
large as the limo.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank
you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is almost a foot tall."

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Date:    Wed, 3 Apr 2002 07:24:12 -0500
From:    Rose Vos <Belllfem@AOL.COM>
Subject: Great Truths

Great Truths About Life:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the joy.


Great Truths About Aging:

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food...I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair
that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to
ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.


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Date:    Wed, 3 Apr 2002 07:59:00 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <PBenoit@COOKSONELECTRONICS.COM>

Perhaps you've heard of the man who thought he was dead,
when in reality he was very much alive. His delusion became
such a problem that his family finally paid for him to see
a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist spent many laborious sessions trying to
convince the man he was still alive. Nothing seemed to work.
Finally the doctor tried one last approach. He took out his
medical books and proceeded to show the patient that dead
men don't bleed. After hours of tedious study, the patient
seemed convinced that dead men don't bleed.

"Do you now agree that dead men don't bleed?" the doctor

"Yes, I do," the patient replied.

"Very well, then," the doctor said.

He took out a pin and pricked the patient's finger. Out came
a trickle of blood.

The doctor asked, "What does that tell you?"

"Oh my goodness!" the patient exclaimed as he stared incredulously
at his finger... "Dead men do bleed!!"


A psychiatrist is doing rounds in his asylum with a couple of
students. They look in on one patient and the psychiatrist says
to his students, "Sometimes this fellow thinks he's a temptress
in a Bizet opera, but today, as you can see from his goose-
stepping, he thinks he's the World War II head of the Nazi Luftwaffe.
What condition do you think he's suffering from?"

The first student replies, "Is he a paranoid schizophrenic with
a multiple personality disorder?"

The second student says, "No, I think he just doesn't know whether
he's Carmen or Goering."

The future is full of possibilities that I must shoot in the head.

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Date:    Wed, 3 Apr 2002 07:35:22 -0600
From:    Tom and Carrol <tcr@CHARTER.NET>
Subject: Good vibes <sexual innuendo>

A young man named Ron leased an apartment and went to the lobby to put =
his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out =
of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.  The man smiled =
at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they =
talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing =
else on. Poor Ron broke out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go =
to my apartment.  I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment. She closed the door and leaned =
against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she =
purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, Ron finally squeaked, "It's got to be your =

Astounded and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts. =
They are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm =
and solid! Look at my skin. No blemishes anywhere!  How can you feel =
that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, Ron stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard =
someone coming... That was me

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Date:    Wed, 3 Apr 2002 09:39:10 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Armageddon?

The Bishop runs into to the Pope's quarters and says:  "Your
Holiness, I have good news and I have bad news!"

Pope: "What's the good news?

Bishop: "Jesus has returned to earth!  He's on the phone and
wants to speak with you!"

Pope: "And the bad news?"

Bishop  "He's calling from Salt Lake City!"


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Date:    Wed, 3 Apr 2002 08:16:02 -1000
From:    Mickey&Karen <mhenn@GTE.NET>
Subject: solution <adult>

Federal Aviation Agency
  800 Independence Avenue S. W.
  Washington D. C. 20591

  Dear Sirs:
  I have the solution for the prevention of hijackings, and at the
  same time getting our airline industry back on its feet. Since men of the
  Muslim religion are not allowed to look at naked women we should replace
  all of
  our female flight attendants with strippers. Muslims would be afraid to
  get on
  the planes for fear of seeing a naked woman, and of course, every
  businessman in this country would start flying again in hope of seeing a
  naked woman.
  We would have no more hijackings, and the airline industry would have
  record sales.

  Now why didn't Congress and George Bush think of this?



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Date:    Wed, 3 Apr 2002 14:41:32 -0500
From:    Lee Bradley <lbradley@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: Daylight savings time

Remember... this 7 April ... to set your clocks one hour ahead.
If you're a Republican, set your clock BACK 35 years!

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Date:    Wed, 3 Apr 2002 19:33:50 -0700
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Coupon

+Got this from my friend Ana E. Muss+

   Dispatching my nine-year-old son Terence to pick up pizza, I handed him money and a $2.50 coupon.  Later he came home with the pizza, and the coupon.  When asked to explain, he replied, "Dad, I had enough money.  I didn't need the coupon."

Is your boss reading your email? ....Probably
Keep your messages private by using Lycos Mail.
Sign up today at http://mail.lycos.com

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Date:    Wed, 3 Apr 2002 18:53:30 -0800
From:    The Punk With The Stutter <thepunkwiththestutter@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: This Week's News In Brief

Pepsi CEO's Wife Buys Coke When She's Mad At Him

PURCHASE, NY— Mary Reinemund, wife of Pepsico CEO Steven S. Reinemund, passive-aggressively
buys Coca-Cola products whenever she is angry at her husband.  "Last Wednesday, Steve worked
late on their anniversary," said Bea Vance, the Reinemunds' housekeeper.  "Sure enough, the
next day, there's a two-liter bottle of Diet Coke in the fridge."  Vance added that in the
summer of 1999, during "an especially rough time" in the Reinemunds' marriage, Mary was often
seen wearing a promotional Sprite sun visor.

Nation's Deans Meet To Discuss Problem Of College Girls Going Wild

GAINESVILLE, FL— Calling the trend "a black mark on academia," deans from more than 300 U.S.
colleges converged on the University of Florida campus to address the growing problem of
out-of-control, sexy sorority sweethearts baring it all for the cameras.  "In recent years, a
number of filmmakers have brought to light the shocking antics of hot young girls from the
wildest party schools," said Tulane University dean of students Dr. Anderson Brand.  "We must
take appropriate action to address this wild, uncensored revelry."  Brandishing one of the
mail-order videotapes, University of Connecticut dean Charles Burton said, "I could not
believe what happened when those crazy co-eds got back to their hotel rooms.  Nor, I suspect,
could anyone."

Acid Trip Better Planned Than Vacation

SAN LUIS OBISPO, CA— Jonathan Andriesko's weekend acid trip was better planned than his trip
to Arizona last month, friends of the 22-year-old video-store clerk reported Monday.  "Jon
spent hours making sure everything was right," coworker Craig Jaeger said.  "He requested two
days off from work well in advance, rented 2001: A Space Odyssey, filled up his CD changer
with Aphex Twin and Boards Of Canada discs, took the phone off the hook, stocked up on
vitamin-C tablets, set up all the food he was going to need for the next 12 hours... You'd
think he was planning a wedding."  By contrast, Andriesko merely expressed vague plans to "get
going sometime Saturday" before embarking on a mid-March trip to Scottsdale.

Loft Discussed At Loft Party

CHICAGO— Guests at David and Jill Holman's loft party last Saturday spent the bulk of the
four-hour affair discussing various aspects of the loft, including its location, square
footage, rent, division of space, acoustics, and previous use.  "So it's not too cold in the
winter?" guest Gail Shaughnessy asked at the two-hour mark of the loft-centric gathering.  "It
seems like heating bills would be a lot with the high ceiling."

Parrot's Previous Owner Obviously Watched A Lot Of The Price Is Right

POPLAR BLUFF, MO— According to Kenneth Childs, the new owner of Crackers, an African gray
parrot, the previous owner must have watched a tremendous amount of The Price Is Right.  "All
day long, Crackers keeps squawking shit like, 'Come on down!' and 'Plinko!'" Childs said.
"That poor bird must have been subjected to the Game Show Network 24 hours a day."  Childs
also swore that he once heard Crackers sing the yodeling music from the mountain-climber game.
© Copyright 2002 Onion, Inc.

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