Digest for Tuesday, April 02, 2002

There are 10 messages totalling 445 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Nortel....
  2. Both sides of the story
  3. pIZZA DELIVERY
  4. "I just =?iso-8859-1?Q?dont_know_about_Tom=2C=22_said_The_Old_Perfesser_swiftly?= =?us-ascii?Q?=2E__=3C?= =?us-ascii?Q?adult?= =?us-ascii?Q?=3E?=
  5. The Donkey
  6. Excited Catholics Already Lining Up For Popes Funeral
  7. Latest Government Outrage
  8. Eve
  9. 710 cap
  10. Fooling around


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Date:    Tue, 2 Apr 2002 04:42:11 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Nortel....

Here's a great sign of the times. Enjoy your day!

=====================================================================

If you bought $1000 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would be worth
$49 today. If you bought $1000 worth of Miller (the beer, not the stock)
one year ago, drank all the beer and traded in the bottle for the dime
deposit, you would have $73.30 today.

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Date:    Tue, 2 Apr 2002 05:24:10 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <rwoodman@ATTBI.COM>
Subject: Both sides of the story

HER SIDE OF THE STORY

He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have been
because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it. The
conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere
more intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this
restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny.

I tried to cheer him up
and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him,
and he said no. But I wasn't really sure.
So anyway, in the cab on the way back to his house, I said that I
love him and he just put his arm around me.

I didn't know what the hell that meant because you know he doesn't say it
back or anything. We finally got back to his place and I was wondering if
he was going to dump me! So I tried to ask him about it but he just
switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to sleep. Then
after about 10 minutes, he joined me and we had sex.

But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards
I just wanted to leave but I just
cried myself to sleep. I dunno, I just don't know
what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else???



HIS SIDE OF THE STORY

My team lost. Felt Tired. Got laid though!

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=} Randall {=-   Caution: This side up

Need a Tagline?  Visit http://www.taglinesgalore.com/

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Date:    Tue, 2 Apr 2002 06:05:29 -0800
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: pIZZA DELIVERY

"What's the usual tip?" a man growled when the college boy
delivered his pizza.

"Well," the student replied, "this is my first delivery, but
the other guys said that if I got a quarter out of you, I'd
be doing great."

"That so?" grunted the man. "In that case, here's five dollars."

"Thanks," the student said, "I'll put it in my college fund."

"By the way, what are you studying?"

"Applied psychology."

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Date:    Tue, 2 Apr 2002 07:36:07 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <PBenoit@COOKSONELECTRONICS.COM>
Subject: "I just =?iso-8859-1?Q?don't_know_about_Tom=2C=22_said_The_Old_Perfesser_swiftly?= =?us-ascii?Q?=2E__=3C?=
         =?us-ascii?Q?adult?= =?us-ascii?Q?=3E?=

"I love cartoons," said the old perfesser animatedly.

"Wait till I get my trousers on," the old perfesser panted.

"Even though this is our first date, I want to marry you,"
 the old perfesser ejaculated, prematurely.

"I'll have the turtle soup," the old perfesser mocked.

"We like the missionary position," the old perfesser said
 reverently.

"The bottle of Cabernet is finished," the old perfesser whined.

"I don't think I want to eat eggs this morning," The Old
 Perfesser waffled.

"Don't be shy about sexual dysfunction," the old perfesser
 said softly.

"This butter is too hard," griped the old perfesser, churning
 in his chair.

"You're naked!" gasped the old perfesser starkly.

"Check out the hooters on that one!" guffawed the old perfesser
 boobishly.

"You'll kiss me, my ass!" the old perfesser cried cheekily.

"I can't remember all the items MrsPerfesser wanted me to pick
 up," said the old perfesser listlessly.

"There, now, we've got a roaring fire," said the old perfesser
 hotly.

"The Viagra isn't working," moaned the old perfesser limply.

"Whoa, Hoss!" cried the old perfesser haltingly.

"I hate Italian bread," the old perfesser said crustily.

"I've tried over and over to separate these tissues," the old
 perfesser replied.

"These Victorian card games are such a bore," the old perfesser
 put down wistfully.


**************
"Fire!" yelled the old perfesser alarmingly.




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Date:    Tue, 2 Apr 2002 09:14:50 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: The Donkey

One day a farmer's donkey fell into an abandoned well.  The animal
cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what
to do.  Finally, he decided the animal was old and the well needed
to be covered up anyway; so it just wasn't worth it to him to try
to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him.  They each
grabbed a shovel & began to shovel dirt into the well.  Realizing
what was happening, the donkey at first cried and wailed horribly.
Then, a few shovelfuls later, he quieted down completely.

The farmer peered down into the well, and was astounded by what he
saw.  With every shovel full of dirt that hit his back, the donkey
was doing something amazing.  He would shake it off and take a
step up on the new layer of dirt.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the
animal, he would shake it off & take a step up.  Pretty soon, the
donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off, to
the shock & astonishment of all the neighbors!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt.  The
trick to getting out of the well is to not let it bury you, but
to shake it off and take a step up.  Each of our troubles is a
stepping-stone.  We can get out of the deepest wells just by not
stopping, never giving up!  Shake it off and take a step up!
Persevere!

Remember the five simple rules to be happy

Free your heart from hatred.
Free your mind from worries.
Live simply.
Give more.
Expect less.

Equally important, the donkey kicked the crap out of the farmer
that tried to bury him.

Which raises another moral of this story...

WHEN YOU TRY TO COVER YOUR ASS, IT ALWAYS COMES BACK AND GETS YOU

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Tue, 2 Apr 2002 06:48:03 -0800
From:    The Punk With The Stutter <thepunkwiththestutter@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: Excited Catholics Already Lining Up For Pope's Funeral

VATICAN CITY - Their numbers reaching into the
hundreds, excited Catholics are lining up in front of
St. Peter's Basilica in the hopes of scoring a seat
for the upcoming funeral of Pope John Paul II.
      Sipping hot cocoa Monday while seated in a
folding chair, Salvatore Bruni, 56, a Florence tailor,
said he has been in line since Feb. 10.
      "I don't know how much longer I'll have to wait,
but whether it's five days or five months, it'll be
well worth it," said Bruni from his position near the
front of the queue.  "This is going to be a funeral
I'll never forget."
      "The pope is a great man who has done wondrous
things for the world," said Seamus O'Halloran, a
Dublin pub owner who missed the Mar. 15 wedding of his
nephew to avoid losing his spot in line.  "So to have
a chance to be there when they finally put him in the
ground, man, that's something I'll tell my grandkids
about."
      Despite persistent rumors that the pope has
Parkinson's disease, the Vatican continues to deny
that his death is imminent, insisting that the pontiff
is in excellent health for a man his age.
Nevertheless, the line of faithful "Pope
Deathwatchers" that wraps around the cathedral
continues to swell by the hour.
      Many of those waiting in line hope to catch a
glimpse of the pope before he dies.
      "I'm sure he'd love to come down and talk to us,
but he's probably too weak by this point," said Maria
Tineo, a Venezuelan nun who recently jumped 10 spaces
in line when she correctly spelled the pope's real
name--Karol Joseph Wojtyla--in a contest sponsored by
a Rome radio station.  "Some people near the back of
the line thought they saw him on the balcony, but that
turned out to be false."
      Though no pope sightings have occurred in the
last few weeks, periodic glimpses of cardinals
entering and exiting St. Peter's have kept the crowd
juiced.
      "I've seen Cardinal Sadano twice," said Milan
resident Sofia Cucino, who runs the pope fan site
Johnpaulrules.com.  "I also saw Cardinal Grantin once
and wanted to ask him to get the pope to sign my copy
of Crossing The Threshold Of Hope, but I couldn't get
his attention.  I just hope it's not my last chance."
      While portable radios and TVs keep the crowd up
to date on the pope's health, those in line have
mostly entertained themselves.  Among the most popular
ways to pass the time include discussing the revised
criteria for sainthood, trading pope-sighting stories,
singing "Ave Maria," quoting the scripture, playing
Catholic Trivial Pursuit, and, most of all, discussing
the life of Pope John Paul II.
      "Pope John Paul II was the first non-Italian
pope in more than 455 years and the first Slavic pope
ever," said William Strand, an Omaha, NE, priest.  "He
had to struggle every step of the way, right from his
start as a young priest in the godless, communist
country of Poland.  Before he became a priest, he
belonged to an experimental theater troupe, worked as
a stonecutter, and was a published poet.  He also
enjoyed mountain climbing and kayaking.  He was--I
mean is--truly one of a kind."
      While nearly everyone in line intends to wait as
long as it takes until the pope dies, many do not plan
to remain for the naming of a successor.
      "I'm here to lend my faith and devotion to a
very holy man in his final days," said Mario Battaglia
of Genoa.  "After he departs, so shall I."
      For all the faithful's enthusiasm, some
observers say the queued Catholics are wasting their
time, insisting that they will be squeezed out of the
funeral by the countless heads of state and other
dignitaries that will descend upon the Vatican from
around the world.
      "When [the pope] dies, it will be an
unbelievable event.  Everybody who's anybody will be
there," said Dr. Lawrence Shear, dean of the Yale
School of Divinity.  "The media requests alone could
fill that basilica.  Since the Vatican is always
looking for the kind of coverage the death of a major
leader brings, the devoted will be out of luck."
      Continued Shear: "I think the best those poor
Catholics can hope for is to be interviewed about
their feelings on the pope's passing by local TV news
affiliates while wailing in St. Peter's Square."
_____
 Copyright 2002 Onion, Inc.

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Date:    Tue, 2 Apr 2002 10:27:13 -0500
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Latest Government Outrage

Washington DC, April 1, 2002

        With a pricetag of $345 TRILLION, the Bush Administration
has announced a plan for universal health insurance for pets.  Thou
couched in populist terms, this is clearly another gift for the
rich an profligate who will be able to look to the government to
have their pets neutered and then entered into therapy so that
they, themselves, can spend their money on yachts.

        Strangely, the media was silent on the matter yesterday.  Were
it not for NPR {see links to reports below} we would know very little
about the proposal and the attendant controversy.

-------------------------------
NPR's reports:

(1) Text and photos
http://www.npr.org/programs/atc/features/2002/apr/pethealthcare/index.html

(2) Audio
http://www.npr.org/ramfiles/atc/20020401.atc.09.ram
--
Jim Mica  JMICA@ITHACA.EDU      (c)MMII
What is true is what I can't help believing.
        Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.

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Date:    Tue, 2 Apr 2002 08:41:49 -1000
From:    Mickey&Karen <mhenn@GTE.NET>
Subject: Eve <adult off to women>

Eons ago, there lived a young girl named Eve. One day, she became really
horny and was unable to find a man. She went out to find a suitable object
to satisfy her desires.

At first, she saw a baboon and thought of using its tail. She hunted the
poor animal down, grabbed its tail, and started pleasing herself. The baboon
did not approve, so he bit off his tail and ran away.

Eve soon grew tired of playing with the limp tail and threw it away to look
for another object. Her eyes fell upon a small dinosaur with a brilliant
nose. She tried to grab the dinosaur several times but was unsuccessful.

The dinosaur, being quite intelligent, could sense her pheromones and tried
all possible escapes. Finally, Eve managed to chase the dinosaur to a small
cliff. The dinosaur thought about the situation for a second and jumped the
cliff. Death seemed so much nicer than nasal sexual abuse.

This pissed Eve off, and down she went to the river to cool herself off.
There, she caught a fish -- just the right size -- and managed to satisfy
her desires. The fish wriggled in displeasure and swam away, deeply ashamed.

This was an interesting story. Now we know why baboons do not have tails and
why dinosaurs became extinct. But we do not know how fish smelled before the
incident.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Date:    Tue, 2 Apr 2002 15:24:28 -0600
From:    Tom and Carrol <tcr@CHARTER.NET>
Subject: 710 cap <humor>

The other day I was in the local auto part store.  A lady comes in and =
asks for a seven ten cap.  We all look at each other and ask......
=20
"What's a seven ten cap?"

She says, "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost somehow and =
I need a new one."

"What kind of a car is it?" they ask.

Now I'm thinking maybe an old Datsun Seven Ten, but no, she says that =
it's a Chrysler.
=20
"Okay, Lady, how big is it?" She makes a circle with her hands about 3 =
1/2 inches in diameter. "What does it do?" we ask. She says, "I don't =
know, but it's always been there."

One of us gives her a note pad and asks her if she can draw a picture of =
it. So Linda makes a circle about 3 1/2 inches in diameter and in the =
center she writes 710.  The guys behind the counter are looking at it =
upside down as she writes it...and they just fall down behind the =
counter laughing so hard in hysterics.

One guy says, "I think you want an oil cap." She says, "Seven Ten cap, =
oil cap, I don't care what you call it. I just need one, and I don't see =
what is so damn funny about it."

Read "710" upside down.

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Date:    Tue, 2 Apr 2002 21:08:50 -0700
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Fooling around

+Got this from my friend Ana E. Muss+

   Heading off to college at the age of 40, I was a bit self-conscious about my advancing years.  One morning I complained to my husband that I was the oldest student in my class.  "Even the teacher is younger than I am," I said.
   "Yeah, but look at it from my point of view," he said optimistically.  "I thought my days of fooling around with college girls were over!"



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