Digest for Monday, April 01, 2002

There are 11 messages totalling 715 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Laughter No Longer The Best Medicine
  2. Baseball Puns
  3. Blonde Jokes....
  4. At the marriage counselors
  5. Old Taxes Never Die - They Just Change Their Names
  6. Sayings That Should Be Buttons Or Bumper Stickers
  7. My Town Is So Tough
  8. Letters to God
  9. Remarks by the President
  10. Bumper stickers
  11. Puns of the Weak 03/29/02 (Part 3)


Date:    Mon, 1 Apr 2002 02:02:53 -0500
From:    Rollo Tomasi <rollotomasi718@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: Laughter No Longer The Best Medicine

        Bumped From The Top Spot
        By Red-Hot Antidepressants

by Andy Borowitz

Laughter, long thought to be the best medicine, has been surpassed in
popularity by two widely used antidepressants, Prozac and Zoloft, according
to a just-released market study paid for by the pharmaceuticals industry.

While being considered the third-best medicine is nothing to sneeze at, the
study indicates that laughter's market share among all medicines is a good
deal smaller than had been generally thought.

These latest findings, prescription drug insiders believe, may give rise to
an altogether new proverb: "Prozac is the best medicine, with Zoloft coming
in a strong second."

Rounding out the list of the top five medicines were the anti-hay fever
medication Claratin and the popular cholesterol-reduction drug Zocor, as
announced last night by Mary Hart on "Entertainment Tonight."

Even as the pharmaceutical giants trumpeted news of their latest study,
laughter's defenders rushed to challenge the report's credibility.

"Any study that's paid for by the big drug companies is suspect, in my
book," said Joey McSwain, proprietor of Joey's Gag-a-torium, a novelty store
specializing in the sale of joy buzzers, whoopee cushions, and fake vomit.

"And even if laughter's third best, so what?" said McSwain.  "At least you
don't have to forge a prescription to get it."

Risibility devotees may take comfort in knowing that laughter is not the
only proverbial panacea taking it on the chin these days.

A new study commissioned by the wireless device industry indicates that such
innovations as cell phones and Palm Pilots may have eclipsed the legendary
"stitch in time" as a timesaving aid.

According to the report, a Blackberry PDA saves over 12,000 stitches per
minute, rendering a stitch in time virtually obsolete.
© Borowitz Report

Do You Yahoo!?
Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com

 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index

Date:    Sun, 31 Mar 2002 17:43:04 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Baseball Puns

        When young Jose, newly arrived in the United States, made his first
trip to Yankee Stadium, there were no tickets left for sale. Touched by
his disappointment, a friendly ticket salesman found him a perch near
the American flag. Later, Jose wrote home enthusiastically about his
experience, "And the Americans, they are so friendly!" he concluded.
"Before the game started, they all stood up and looked at me and sang
.... 'Jose, can you see?'"

        The scene was Mount Olympus, where Bacchus, the Greek god of wine, had
thrown a party for a pair of visiting Roman deities -- Ceres, the
goddess of agriculture, and Janus, the two-faced god of doors and
beginnings. Everyone overdid it, more or less. Ceres at one point was
staggering and turning in circles; Janus, equally submerged, was trying
to dance with her. Bacchus feared that the pair might fall over, so he
went to steady them. .... This marked the first time that a whirled
Ceres was held with a double-header.

        Several years ago, the Los Angeles Philharmonic Orchestra had scheduled
Beethoven's Ninth under the baton of Zubha Mehta. At the last moment
Mehta became ill and it was necessary to find a substitute. They were
able to convince Professor Theodore Badder from U. C. L. A. Classical
Music Department, an expert in Beethoven's Symphonies and a noted
conductor in his own right, to pinch-hit. The Fourth Movement of
Beethoven's Choral Symphony, as it is better known, is unusual in
several ways. First it uses not only a chorus but several soloists as
instruments during the famous "Ode to Joy" in the fourth movement.
Second, the bass players hate playing Beethoven's 9th. There's a long
segment in this movement where the bass viols don't have a thing to
do... not a single note for page after page! It had been decided that
during this performance, after the bass players had played their parts
in the opening of the last movement that they were to quietly lay down
their instruments and leave the stage rather than sit on their stools
looking and feeling dumb for twenty minutes. Well, once they got
backstage, someone suggested that they have a few brews. They had
quickly downed the first couple beers when one said, "Shouldn't we be
getting back to our seats? It'd be awfully embarrassing if we were
late." Another (presumably the one who suggested drinking in the first
place) replied, "Oh, I anticipated we could use a little more time, so I
tied a string around the pages of the conductor's score. Batter's has
had to slow the tempo way down while he waves the baton with one hand
and fumbles with the string with he other." So they had another round
and when finally returned to their chairs a little tipsy by now one look
at their conductor's face told them they were in serious trouble. And if
you thought things couldn't get worse, both first stand players soon
passed out right in their chairs! Batter was furious and on the verge of
completely losing it, as he began making gestures at the musicians while
trying to finish the piece while flipping tied pages. After all, .... It
was the last of the Ninth, The. Badder was a pinch-hitter, the score was
tied, the basses were loaded, and two men were out. (By Stan Kegel)

        Was he the best pitcher that ever threw a baseball? Back in the 1950s,
there were a lot of folks who thought so. Mel Famey of the Milwaukee
Braves was a natural -- a once-in-a-lifetime phenomenon whose fast ball
blew away the best hitters. His 90 MPH curve ball would start out like
it was going to hit the batter's ear, only to break at the last instant
and hit the outside corner of the plate for a strike. His change up made
the best hitters in the league cry -- they would swing, drop the bat,
and stare incredulously as the ball hit the catcher's mitt. He was
indeed awesome! Why then, you might ask, is he not in the Hall of Fame?
Why haven't you ever heard of him? Alas, like many others before him,
Mel's downfall was demon alcohol. Ol' Mel really liked to tilt the
glass. His drinking became almost legendary around the country, but he
never let it affect his pitching until The Braves and the Yankees were
in the World Series! Excitement reigned! The series was tied at three
games apiece, and the Braves were in New York for the seventh and
deciding game. The night before the big event, Mel's thirst got the
better of him. He snuck out of the hotel after curfew, and bought
himself two cases of beer. As you might imagine, the next morning Mel
didn't feel too good. But being the pro that he was, Mel managed to do
just fine -- until the bottom of the ninth inning. With the Braves ahead
by one run, two out, and the bases loaded, Mel's revelry the night
before finally caught up to him. Eight straight pitches -- eight
straight balls. He walked in the tying run and the winning run, thereby,
losing the game and the series. After the game, a reporter went to the
jubilant Yankee's clubhouse and spoke to the last two players that faced
Mel. "Tell me," he asked, "to what do you attribute this victory over
the best pitcher in the major leagues"? In unison they replied, .... "It
was the beer that made Mel Famey walk us"!

        Outside a small Macedonian village a lone Catholic nun keeps a quiet
watch over a silent convent. She is the last caretaker of this site of
significant historical developments, spanning more than 2,000 years.
When Sister Maria Cyrilla of the Order of the Perpetual Watch dies, the
convent of St. Elias will be closed by the Eastern Orthodox Patriarch of
Macedonia. However, that isn't likely to happen soon, as Sister Maria,
53, enjoys excellent health. By her own estimate, she walks 10 miles
daily about the grounds of the convent, which once served as a base for
the army of Attila the Hun. In more ancient times, a Greek temple to
Eros, the god of love, occupied the hilltop site. Historians say that
Attila took over the old temple in 439 A.D., and used it as a base for
his marauding army. The Huns are believed to have first collected and
then destroyed a large gathering of Greek legal writs at the site. It is
believed that Attila wanted to study the Greek legal system and had the
writs and other documents brought to the temple. Scholars differ on why
he had the valuable documents destroyed - either because he was barely
literate and couldn't read them, or because they provided evidence of a
democratic government that did not square with his own notion of "rule
by an all-powerful tyrant". When the Greek church took over the site in
the 15th century and the convent was built, church leaders ordered the
pagan statue of Eros destroyed, so another ancient Greek treasure was
lost. Today, there is only the lone sister, watching over the old Hun
base. When she goes, that will be it. Thus, that's how it ends, with ,,,
No Huns, No Writs, No Eros, and Nun on base.

 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index

Date:    Mon, 1 Apr 2002 07:16:13 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Blonde Jokes....

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
...she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
...she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
...she thought a quarterback was a refund.
...she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
...she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
...she thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
...she thought General Motors was in the army.
...she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
...she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
...under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
...she tripped over a cordless phone
...she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said
...she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
...at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put
...she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
...she studied for a blood test.
...she thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."
...she sold the car for gas money!
...when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
...when she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left,"
She turned aound and went home.

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
...when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
...she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
...if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
...she thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening...
...she had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "Tits Go
In Front

No trees were harmed in the transmission of this message. However, a
rather large number of electrons were temporarily inconvenienced.

 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index

Date:    Mon, 1 Apr 2002 06:16:43 -0800
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: At the marriage counselor's

A woman told a marriage counselor that her husband's complaint
that he leads a dog's life is probably well founded.

"He comes in the house with muddy feet," she said, "tracks across
my clean floors, barks at nothing, growls at his food and makes
himself comfortable on my best furniture."

 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index

Date:    Mon, 1 Apr 2002 08:28:26 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <PBenoit@COOKSONELECTRONICS.COM>
Subject: Old Taxes Never Die - They Just Change Their Names

   [ April 15th in the YooEss.... TAXES DUE!! ]

Isn't it appropriate that the Month of the Tax begins
with April Fool's Day, and ends with cries of "May Day!"?

Our government really takes care of us...
They even give us free income tax forms!!

Income tax: Uncle Sam's version of "Truth or Consequences."

Taxation is a lot like sheep shearing...
As long as you shear a sheep it will continue to produce
a new crop of wool. But you can skin the animal only once.

If the chance of getting a tax audit is 1000 to 1,
why is it 50/50 that it will be you?

Definition of 25 cents: $1 with all the taxes taken out.

The tax collectors take up so much of your earnings to
balance the budget that you just can't budget the balance.

If Congress can pay farmers not to raise crops,
why can't we pay Congress not to raise taxes?

People who squawk about their income tax can be divided
into two classes: men and women.

When filling out my income-tax form,
can I claim the government as a dependent?

Income-tax forms should be printed on Kleenex...
So many of us pay through the nose.

We wouldn't mind paying income tax if
we could know which country it's going to.

Behind every successful man stands a woman and the IRS.
One takes the credit, the other takes the cash.

Taxation is the gentle art of picking the goose in such
a way as to secure the greatest amount of feathers with
the least amount of squawking.

Why not slap a tax on political gas?

You really can't beat the game. If you earn anything,
it's minus taxes. If you buy anything it's plus taxes.

The path of Civilization is paved with tax receipts.

This message (including any attachments) contains confidential information
intended for a specific individual and purpose, and is protected by law.  -
If you are not the intended recipient, you should delete this message and
are hereby notified that any disclosure, copying, or distribution of this
message, or the taking of any action based on it, is strictly prohibited.

 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index

Date:    Mon, 1 Apr 2002 09:04:23 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Sayings That Should Be Buttons Or Bumper Stickers

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
Do I look like a freakin' people person?
This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth
was flat.
And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
Whisper my favorite words "I'll buy it for you."
Suburbia where they tear out the trees & then name streets after
Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
Stress: When you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't
fallen asleep yet.
Back off! You're standing in my aura.
Adults are just kids who owe money.
One of us is thinking about sex... OK, it's me.
I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
You look like shit. Is that the style now?
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
You! Off my planet!
Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil.
See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
Do they ever shut up on your planet?
I majored in liberal arts. Would you like fries with that?
I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
One of us is thinking about sex... OK, it's me.
I have a computer, pizza delivery and a vibrator. Why should I
leave the house?
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
Does this condom make me look fat?
It ain't the size, it's... er...  no, it IS ..the size.


 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index

Date:    Mon, 1 Apr 2002 07:39:41 -1000
From:    Mickey&Karen <mhenn@GTE.NET>
Subject: My Town Is So Tough

Hotels ask your name, address and next of kin to register.

Our Ice Cream trucks plays "taps".

The gun shops have "Back to School" sales.

The High school newspaper has obituary columns.

Restaurants serve BROKEN leg of lamb.

Bowling alleys patrons only bowl overhand.

Schools require a sick note co-signed by a parole officer.

Christmas pageants feature the three Wise Guys.

Advice columns have hints like how to get blood off of a chain saw.

Our 911 emergency calling services has a two-day waiting list.

Our "Honor students" practice saying, "Yes/No, your honor".

Mothers give their kids $5 every day for the holdup man.

The Girl Scouts sell nookie door to door.

Forgery 101 and Advanced Counterfeiting are required subjects.

 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index

Date:    Mon, 1 Apr 2002 14:16:31 -0600
From:    Tom and Carrol <tcr@CHARTER.NET>
Subject: Letters to God <not offensive>

A teacher asked her class to write notes to God...
Here are some of the notes they handed in:

Dear God: I didn't think orange went with purple
until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool.

Dear God: Instead of letting people die and having to
make new ones, why don't you just keep the ones you have.

Dear God: Maybe Cain and Abel would not have killed
each other so much if they had their own rooms. That's
what my Mom did for me and my brother.

Dear God: If you watch me in church on Sunday, I'll
show you my new shoes.

Dear God: I bet it is very hard for you to love all
of everybody in the whole world. There are only five
people in our family and I'm having a hard time loving
all of them.

Dear God: In school they told us what you do. Who
does it when you're on vacation?

Dear God: Are you really invisible or is it just a trick?

Dear God: Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if
he uses his bowling words in the house?

Dear God: Did you mean for the Giraffe to look like
that or was it an accident?

Dear God: Who draws the lines around the countries?

Dear God: I went to this wedding and they kissed
right in the church. Is that okay?

Dear God: Did you really mean "do unto others as they
do unto you"? because if you did, then I'm going to
get my brother good.

Dear God: Thank you for the baby brother, but what I
prayed for was a puppy.

Dear God: Please send me a pony. I never asked for
anything before. You can look it up.

Dear God: I want to be just like my Daddy when I get
big, but not with so much hair all over.

Dear God: You don't have to worry about me I always
look both ways.

Dear God: I think about you sometimes, even when I'm
not praying.

Dear God: Of all the people who work for you I like
Noah and David the best.

Dear God: My brother told me about being born but it
doesn't sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they?

Dear God: I would like to live 900 years just like the
guy in the Bible.

Dear God: We read Thomas Edison made light. But in
Sunday school they said you did it. So, I bet he stole
your idea.

 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index

Date:    Mon, 1 Apr 2002 15:40:38 -0500
From:    The Punk with the Stutter <thepunkwiththestutter@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: Remarks by the President

        Discontinuing White House Egg Roll, President Bush
        Proudly Introduces New Easter Activity For Children

For Immediate Release
Office of the Press Secretary
March 31, 2002  - 3:21 P.M. (EST)

THE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon, and Happy Easter.  As you know, the White
House has since 1878 publicly reaffirmed the separation of church and state
on this day by inviting hundreds of school children to celebrate the
reanimation of Jesus Christ's corpse by rolling brightly-dyed chicken
abortions across the lawn of the Executive mansion.  This year, in a
transparent effort to simultaneously appease such disparate and whiney
special interest groups as PETA, the National Right to Life Coalition, and
Vegans with Colitis - I have declared the era of the Easter egg roll to be
over.  (Applause.)

That said, let it be known that this administration remains wholeheartedly
committed to holding all manner of events which combine the politically
succulent ingredients that are children (especially colored ones),
Christianity, and photographers.  And so, we are pleased to announce a
replacement for the Easter egg roll event - one which is not only
tremendously enjoyable for young people, but also reaffirms the absolute
supremacy of both Jesus Christ and fossil fuels within the context of a
familiar seasonal activity.  And so, without further delay, I am proud to
declare the first annual White House Easter 10W-40 Motor Oil Scavenger Hunt
open for business!  (Applause & Squeals of Delight.)

At this time, I'd like for all the children in attendance to pay close
attention to me.  In just a few seconds, Mrs. Bush will fire two or three
dozen rounds of live ammunition from her pearl-handled revolver straight up
into the air.  When she does, I want all of you to scatter to the far
corners of the White House grounds, where you will find the flower beds
brimming with hundreds of brightly colored vessels of name-brand domestic
automotive lubricant.  So don't dawdle, because those bullets are gonna fall
back to earth plenty fast, and the child who gathers the most bottles of
10W-40 before time is up is going to enjoy the experience of standing next
to me while I smile upon him beatifically.  And oh, how the flashbulbs will
flicker, and tomorrow we shall look beamingly upon our shining faces as they
grace the front page of 93% of the newspapers in America (barring any pesky
TNT-laden Palestinians blowing themselves into dog food tonight).  So get
ready, and remember, you've got just twenty minutes before Mrs. Bush
unleashes her second blizzard of lead, which will be your cue to stop
collecting and return here, to home base.  Any children observed still
collecting oil after the closing booms will be soundly pistol-whipped to
within an inch of their lives by the nearest Secret Service agent.  OK, is
everybody ready?  (Cheers.)

Hit it, Laura.

(Shots Fired.)

(Squeals of Delight and Panicked Trampling.)

Go to it, kids!  Go get all that top-quality motor oil!  It's the best
source of energy the world will ever know.  And anybody who tells you
different is an America-hating commie terrorist-supporting fudge-packer!
And don't you doubt it for a second!  (Cheers.)

Thank you, and God Bless!
©2001-2002 - a chickenhead productions parody

Do You Yahoo!?
Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com

 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index

Date:    Mon, 1 Apr 2002 18:16:05 -0800
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Bumper stickers

+Got this from my friend Ana E. Muss+

  I was at a gas station, waiting for my tank to fill, when I noticed a bright red car at the next pump.  The vehicle was covered with dozens of bumper stickers for different political candidates and causes.
  "It's not just a car," I said smiling at the driver, "it's a political statement."
  She replied, "I prefer to think of it as a unique anti-theft device."

See Dave Matthews Band live or win a signed guitar

 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index

Date:    Mon, 1 Apr 2002 22:59:52 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Puns of the Weak 03/29/02 (Part 3)


 •We had a longer holiday than usual this year because the school was
closed for altercations. (Richard Lederer)•
 •DiMaggio is back, back, back to the wall, his head hits it, it drops
to the ground, he picks it up and throws it to third. (Yankee broadcaster)•
 •"Are you a natural born citizen of the United States?" "No, I was a
Caeserian." (Herb Shriner & contestant)•
 •A passive verb is when the subject is the sufferer, as in ”I am
loved.” (Richard Lederer)•
 •LOST: Male cat. Needs medication. Owner is very worried, neutered and
declawed.  (Bree Schultz)•
 •Announcer: There's excitement tonight on our million dollar movie with
Ann Sheridan. Stay tuned as Phillip's Milk of Magnesia brings you "Woman
on the Run (Kermit Schafer)•
 •At the Knights of Columbus dinner, they will serve the same fish as
last year. (Bree Schultz)•
 •In mediating the difference between the Arabs and the Israelis at the
U. N., Senator Austin Warren said, "Now lets all try to settle the
problem in a true Christian fashion. (Kermit Schafer)•
 •When papa passed away they burned his ashes and brought them home in a
urinal.  (Bree Schultz)•


 •I've A Beautiful Mind to Halle Berry not to seize her! Then we could
Denzel 'til we get to Washington. Ron, Howard we going to do that?
(Intl Save the Pun Fnd)•
 •When neon lights were perfected the inventor was positively glowing.
(Pun of the Day)•
 •Junior stopped playing with the marionette because he couldn’t “stand”
it.  (Jumble)•
 •To become a pilot requires a good altitude (Pun of the Day)•
 •2 wrongs don't make a right, but 2 wrights make an airplane!  (The
Daily Groaner)•
 •Old tightrope walkers never die, they just get high strung.  (Pun of
the Day)•
 •When the washing machine broke down, Mother was left with agitation.  (Jumble)•
 •Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know  basis. (Pun of the Day)•
 •Help! The supply of pants is being depleated. (The Big Pun)•
 •A good baker will rise to the occasion, it's the yeast he can do. (Pun
of the Day)•
 •When Junior took over the concrete business, Dad paved the way. (Jumble)•
 •“Two Thousand Pounds”  by Juan Ton  (Joke A Day)•
 •A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper (Pun of the Day encore)•
 •There was a family, Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and their baby. Who was
the biggest? The baby. He was a little Bigger  (The Daily Groaner)•
 •An hourglass is a waist of time (Pun of the Day)•
 •You're no bunny 'til some bunny loves you!  (Intl Save the Pun Fnd)•
 •Old grave-diggers never die, they just get buried in their work. (Pun
of the Day)•
 •When playing the tuba, it is easy to get wrapped up in it. (Jumble)•
 •The plumber tried to dislodge the obstruction with a thick-soled shoe,
but he only succeed in clogging the drain. (The Big Pun)•
 •How do you make a slow reindeer fast? Don't feed it! (The Daily Groaner)•
 •A music store was robbed. The thief made away with the lute. (Pun of
the Day)•
 •When she returned to a mess, Mom demanded the kids come clean.  (Jumble)•
 •Graffiti's days are numbered. The writing is on the wall. (Very Punny)•
 •What did the big hand on the clock say to the little hand? I’ll be
around in an hour.  (The Daily Groaner)•


 •“I have 200 cows.” “Yesterday, you said you had 199 cows.” “That was
before I rounded them up.”  (Richard Lederer and James Ertner) •
 •Every calendar's days are numbered. (Jerry Ulett)•
 •The gay man wished to visit the night club. He would need a mandate to
do so. (Daniel Reihs).•
 •When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. (Jerry Ulett)•
 •Cattle in outer space taste better because they are meteor.  (Richard
Lederer and James Ertner)  •
 •If some people said what they thought, they'd be speechless. (Marsha
Coleman) •
 •I can see through you like a book.(Richard Lederer)•
 •A hard-working college grad with a B. S. From Cornell, a Ph. D. From
Princeton, and an LL. D. From Yale is killing himself by degrees. (Cryptograms)•
 •The main hall is closed_we'll just have to wing it. (Daniel Reihs)•
 •I asked a girl what her sign was. She said "Stop" (Douglas Helsel)•
 •You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. (Jerry Ulett)•
 •A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.  (Randall Woodman)•
 •What a florist turned fortune teller can tell you: What zinnia future
(Merl Reagle).•
 •I used to know who the men on the side of Mount Rushmore are, but now
I just take them for granite. (Syman Hirsch)•
 •A farmer bequeathed his male offsprings a cattle ranch and named it
Focus because that’s where the sons raise meat.   (Lederer & Ertner)•
 •What florists were doing at the comedy club: Lavender heads off. (Merl Reagle)•
 •Can a first cousin once removed return? (Marsha Coleman) •
 •He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. (Jerry Ulett)•
 •"Weight up!" screamed the fat man as he chased after the bathroom
scale. (Daniel Reihs).•
 •The cemetery at the edge of town is so popular, everyone is dying to
get in. (Danny Perry)•
 •Why I'm back on the flower diet: My weight phloxulates (Merl Reagle)•
 •A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
(Douglas Helsel) •
 •You heard about the minister who put all his bills in a drawer and
marked it 'Due unto Others.' (Syman Hirsch)•
 •A lot of money is tainted.  It tain't yours and it tain't mine. (Jerry Ulett)•
 •That's a glass eye? Why, I didn't real eyes. (Daniel Reihs)..•
 •Say, does anyone know what's with all the fuss about stem sell
research? Aren't they already raking in enough selling the flowers and
foliage? (Megan Waves)•
 •The bowlegged cowboy couldn’t keep his calves together. (Lederer & Ertner)•

 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index