Digest for Wednesday, February 27, 2002

There are 12 messages totalling 523 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Ways the Olympics Would be Different if Dogs Ran Them
  2. Retirement
  3. Winter Fun
  4. Newlyweds
  5. Conversation
  6. Confucious NEVER said these
  7. FAQ: The Grammys
  8. Humor
  9. Axis of Evil
  10. Spike Milligan of Goons fame
  11. Test taking
  12. History of teaching math


----------------------------------------------------------------------


Date:    Wed, 27 Feb 2002 02:02:30 -0500
From:    Rollo Tomasi <rollotomasi718@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: Ways the Olympics Would be Different if Dogs Ran Them

•  Olympic torch replaced by flaming tabby cat.

•  Mailman added to 100K race so runners have something to chase.

•  Toilet water replaces Coke® as official beverage.

•  French poodles admit to being "pressured."

•  Parade of Nations replaced by butt-sniff conga line.

•  Chihuahua Club of America boycotts games because high jump is "very, very
biased against our breed."

•  Javelin toss eliminated as spectators tend to "fetch."

•  Gold medal Olympians featured on Alpo® cans.

•  Labrador Retrievers banned from swimming event as webbed toes give them
an unfair advantage.

•  Russian Booze Hounds complain gold medal hockey game rigged.

•  Several winners rushed to the vet after swallowing their medals.
___
© Daily Wonk Lists 2002


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Date:    Wed, 27 Feb 2002 07:03:16 -0800
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Retirement

 A man was out walking one day and went by a retirement home.
 As he passed the front lawn, he saw 9 old ladies basking in the
 sun in lounge chairs. When he looked closer he realized that
 they were all stark naked. He went to the door and rang the bell. When
 the director answered the door, the man asked if he realized there were
 9 naked old ladies laying in the sun on the front lawn.
 The director said, "Yes" and went on to explain that the
 old ladies were all retired prostitutes living at the retirement
 home, and they were having a yard sale

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Date:    Wed, 27 Feb 2002 08:52:52 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <PBenoit@COOKSONELECTRONICS.COM>
Subject: Winter Fun

Dedicated to that ne'er-do-well and phony prognosticator,
Punxsutawney Phil, who GOT IT SO WRONG THIS YEAR!!
(I guess he didn't really mean six weeks in a row...?)

---------------------------------


I HATE SNOW
  [ Tune:  Let It Snow! ]


Oh, the traffic outside is frightful,
Accidents aren't so delightful,
I'm stuck in this stop-and-go,
I hate snow, I hate snow, I hate snow.

Cars are having trouble stopping,
Each other they keep popping;
I am moving so really slow,
I hate snow, I hate snow, I hate snow.

   When I make it back home tonight
   How I'll hate going out in the storm;
   Because cutting wood really bites,
   But I need more to stay warm.

Traffic is slowly dying,
While I sit here I keep crying
Cause it just won't end, I know.
I hate snow, I hate snow, I hate snow.

   When I make it back home tonight
   How I'll hate going out to the store;
   And the crowds that I'll have to fight,
   I am sure that they won't have any more.

Oh, the blizzard outside is frightful,
Snowflakes aren't so delightful,
I'm trapped with no place to go,
I hate snow, I hate snow, I hate snow.

     (c) Ginseng Productions


----------------------------------------------

   I like snow. It fills all the potholes.

----------------------------------------------

Two blondes were skiing at Aspen, when they got into
a debate about the best way to ski down a particular
hill.

"The best way is down the left side of the course,
where it's nearly all powder," said the first blonde.

"No, the best way is straight down the middle, where
the snow is packed tight," argued the other.

"Look," said the first blonde. "Let's get another
opinion. There's a guy dragging a sled up the hill.
Let's go ask him."

The second blonde agreed, and in a few minutes the two
caught up with the guy.

"Excuse me," said the first blonde. "I say the best way
to ski down this hill is to take the left side of the
course, where it's nearly all powder, and my friend
thinks the best way is straight down the middle, where
the snow is packed tight. Can you tell us who's right?"

"Sorry, ladies," said the man, "but there's no use in
asking me. I'm a tobogganist."

"Oh," said the second blonde. "Well, in that case, can
I get a pack of Marlboros?"

    (from Rodney and Cathy)


*******************
When the snow is up to your knees, about the only thing to be
thankful for is that you're not eight feet tall.    - Doug Larson


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Date:    Wed, 27 Feb 2002 09:07:27 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Newlyweds

The day before his wedding this guy decides to play a game of
baseball with his buddies. Playing shortstop he gets hit in the
penis with a line drive.

He goes to the doctor in a lot of pain, but the doctor tells him
there is nothing he can do except wrap it up. So the doc takes a
few tongue depressors and wraps it in a splint.

The next night on his honeymoon his lovely wife comes to him
dressed in a nightgown. Taking down the top she shows him her
breasts. She proudly says "No man has ever touched these, I have
been saving them for just you for tonight."

Surprised but not to be outdone, her new husband pulls down his
pants and says, "Look at this, honey, still in the crate."

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Wed, 27 Feb 2002 11:07:10 -0500
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: Conversation <adult>

The Old Perfesser (TOP) and The Young Whipper-Snapper
(TYWS) were talking yesterday afternoon:

TOP:  Listen, you, I don't appreciate your telling
      everybody about that toilet paper incident when
      MrsPerfesser and I lived in the apartment with
      the thin walls.
TYWS: Aw...that weren't so bad. MrsYWS and I used to live
      in an apartment with REALLY thin walls.
TOP:  Really?  How thin were they?
TYWS: The walls were so thin that after we had had sex,
      the NEIGHBORS smoked a cigarette!

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Date:    Wed, 27 Feb 2002 08:06:32 -1000
From:    Mickey&Karen <mhenn@GTE.NET>
Subject: Confucious NEVER said these <adult>

"Before becoming master fisherman, must be master
baiter."

"Sex on beach is like American beer - very near
water."

"Woman who pounce on dead rooster, go down on limp
cock."

"Man who buy drowned cat, must pay for stinking wet
pussy."

"Girl who is wallflower at party, may be dandelion in
bed."

"Man who keep feet firmly on ground, have trouble
putting on pants!"

"Woman who slides down bannister, makes monkey shine"
- - - -

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Date:    Wed, 27 Feb 2002 13:00:51 -0500
From:    The Punk with the Stutter <thepunkwiththestutter@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: FAQ: The Grammys

Everything you need to know except who's going to win

Q: I need an award show to tide me over until the Oscars.  Something with
music, preferably.  Are the American Music Awards on soon?
A: No, but the Grammys are.  They're just like the American Music Awards but
without the patriotism.

Q: Who's performing?
A: Patti Labelle will join Pink, Mya, L'il Kim and Christina Aguilera for
"Lady Marmalade."  When asked how the new version stacks up to her original,
Labelle said, "It's a lot like mine, except really slutty."  Also look for a
tribute to the O Brother Where Art Thou Soundtrack performed by Gillian
Welch, Emmylou Harris, Alison Krauss, Ralph Stanley, Slipknot and Afroman.

Q: Will there be any boy-band performances this year?
A: 'N Sync will perform with Nelly.  After their appearance at the Olympics
Closing Ceremonies and the announcement of Lance Bass's plans to travel into
outer space, it's been quite a week for the boys.  Nelly has been busy, too,
finally beating Metal Gear Solid 2 while on the tour bus between Atlanta and
Tampa.

Q: Who are this year's front-runners?
A: Expect U2 to take home the Grammy for their return-to-form album, All
That We Left Behind In 1987 But Thankfully Got Back This Year.  However,
U2's "Walk On" may lose the Best Song category to "Ms. Jackson," OutKast
member Dre's plaintive ode to his torrid affair with soul singer Mahalia
Jackson.

Q: What's the most competitive category this year?
A: The Best New Artist category is a close race between Alicia Keys,
India.Arie and Nelly Furtado.  But that's nothing compared to the battle
royale that is the Best Pop Instrumental Album category.  Unconditional by
Kirk Whalum is the current front-runner, but don't count out Voice by
Journey guitarist Neal Schon.  He who counts out Neal Schon does so at his
own peril.

Q: Why does India.Arie spell her name that way?
A: It is a symbol of her individuality and creative spirit.  Her father
Ralph.Simpson named her India because she was born on Mahatma Gandhi's
birthday.  She later adopted the last name of her grandmother,
hotgirl7_Arie.

Q: Will security be tight for the awards?
A: The Grammys are taking every precaution this year to protect the
musicians, including metal detectors at every entrance and random searches
of Suge Knight.

Q: Will the show run over three hours?
A: Hopefully not.  Taking a cue from the Oscars, exit music will commence
when the winner's acceptance speech runs long.  Should the boys from 'N Sync
go over their allotted time, the producer will cue up "Bye, Bye, Bye."  If
Pierre Boulez of the Chicago Symphony Orchestra starts rambling after
winning Best Orchestral Performance, expect "White Lines (Don't Do It)."

Q: Are the Grammys really an accurate representation of the best of the past
year's music?  Don't they tend to favor aging boomer-friendly acts such as
U2 and Bob Dylan over younger and fresher artists?  What qualifications does
the NARAS base their nominations on?  Where's the recognition of the
burgeoning indie music scene?
A: There will also be a performance of "Drops of Jupiter" by Record of the
Year nominee Train.
___   ___   ___   ___   ___   ___
Copyright 2002 Modern Humorist, Inc.


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Date:    Wed, 27 Feb 2002 12:22:00 -0600
From:    Rowe, Thomas <trowe@UWSP.EDU>
Subject: Humor <Sexual>

The Italian says, "My wife, I rubbed her all over with fine olive oil, then we made wonderful love. She screamed for five minutes."

The Frenchman says, "I spread sweet butter on my wife's body, then we made passionate love. She screamed for 20 minutes."

The Rabbi says, "I covered my wife's body with chicken fat.  We made love and she screamed for six hours."

The others say, "Six hours? How did you make her scream for six hours?"

He shrugs. "I wiped my hands on the drapes."

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Date:    Wed, 27 Feb 2002 14:57:13 -0500
From:    Jimmy Farrar <jfarrar@UZUNCASE.COM>
Subject: Axis of Evil

"In Speech, Bush Calls Iraq, Iran and North Korea 'Axis of Evil'" -- N.Y.
Times, 1/30/02

ANGERED BY SNUBBING, LIBYA, CHINA, SYRIA FORM AXIS OF JUST AS EVIL

Cuba, Sudan, Serbia Form Axis of Somewhat Evil; Other Nations Start Own
Clubs

Beijing(SatireWire.com) - Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the
"Axis of Evil," Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had formed the
"Axis of Just as Evil," which they said would be way eviler than that
stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of his State of the
Union address.

Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as
having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are Just as Evil...
in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody
knows we're the best evils... best at being evil... we're the best."

Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although
they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil. "They told
us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad.

"An Axis can't have more than three countries," explained Iraqi President
Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you
had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So you can only have three.
And a secret handshake. Ours is wicked cool."

THE AXIS PANDEMIC

International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as
within minutes, France surrendered. Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations
rushed to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of geopolitical
chairs. Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said they had formed the Axis of Somewhat
Evil, forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the Axis of
Occasionally Evil, while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the
Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable.

With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up,
Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the Axis of
Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the
Olympics; Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the Axis of Nations That Are
Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About America, while
Spain, Scotland, and New Zealand established the Axis of Countries That
Sometimes Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick.

"That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do," said Scottish
Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.

While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making
fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes, although he
rejected the establishment of the Axis of Countries Whose Names End in
Guay," accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials
from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.

Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but privately,
world leaders said that's only because no one asked them.

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Date:    Thu, 28 Feb 2002 09:32:43 +0800
From:    Mike Robertshaw <mrobert@OUHK.EDU.HK>
Subject: Spike Milligan of Goons fame

The sayings of Spike
(courtesy of the UK Telegraph)

Little grovelling bastard - Milligan on the Prince of Wales after the Prince
wrote a letter praising him as he received a Lifetime Achievement Comedy
Award in 1994.

Yes, but it's your mother, isn't it? You don't get board and lodging at
Buckingham Palace if you don't swear an oath - Milligan to the Prince of
Wales, who told him even he had to swear the oath of allegiance after the
comic refused to do so.

I can't see the sense in it really. It makes me a Commander of the British
Empire. They might as well make me a Commander of Milton Keynes - at least
that exists! - Milligan on receiving an honorary CBE in 1992.

I don't mind dying. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I don't like women in positions of power because they make all the wrong
bloody decisions.

I suppose basically I am very talented, but I am not personally aware of
that.

I'd like to go there. But if Jeffrey Archer is there I want to go to
Lewisham - Milligan on whether he believed he would go to heaven.

Then came the war. North Africa, promoted in the field (they wouldn't let me
indoors). Mentioned in dispatches: nothing positive. Just mentioned. -
Milligan on his army career.

When I look back, the fondest memory I have is not really of the Goons. It
is of a girl called Julia with enormous breasts - Milligan celebrating his
75th birthday.

He sent me a fax. It said: `I hope you go before me because I don't want you
singing at my funeral' - Sir Harry Secombe after receiving a message from
Milligan.

I suppose it will be my turn next to join him. But they'll have to drag me
kicking and screaming - Milligan speaking in April last year after the death
of Sir Harry Secombe

Mike R

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Date:    Wed, 27 Feb 2002 18:23:51 -0800
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Test taking

Got this from my friend Ana E. Muss

During a test I was administering, I noticed that one of my married students, who was also quite pregnant, kept rubbing her side.  Before she left, I asked her, "Are you okay?  I noticed you were holding on to your side."
   "Oh, I'm fine," she answered.  "It's just that my baby was pushing his foot up and down along my ribs and it hurt a little."
   "Well, that's good," I said, feeling genuinely relieved.
   "Yeah," she continued.  "It's strange.  He normally sleeps during your class."




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Date:    Wed, 27 Feb 2002 19:15:42 -0800
From:    Sue Birkenseer <Sue@PREMEDIASYSTEMS.COM>
Subject: History of teaching math

Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80.
What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970: A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set
"M" of money.  The cardinality of set "M" is 100.  Each element is worth
one dollar.  Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M."
The set "C", the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set
"M." Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following
question:
What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?

Teaching Math in 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the
logger makes $20.  What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the
forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees?
There are no wrong answers.

Teaching Math in 2000: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is $120.
How does Arthur Andersen determine that his profit margin is $60?
--

--
Susan Birkenseer
Sue@PremediaSystems.com

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