Digest for Tuesday, February 26, 2002

There are 11 messages totalling 721 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Elderly Sex Studies Put Young People Off Sex
  2. Golf Club Sign....
  3. A few examples of Cajun humor (some oldies again)
  4. "Ive just killed the fatted calf," the Old Perfesser revealed.
  5. My Friends Call Me...
  6. More Stories With Children
  7. Puns of the Weak: 02/22/02 (Part 4)
  8. servicemen
  9. Airplane funnies
  10. Teachers wanted
  11. This Weeks News In Brief


Date:    Tue, 26 Feb 2002 02:04:54 -0500
From:    Rollo Tomasi <rollotomasi718@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: Elderly Sex Studies Put Young People Off Sex

        "Age is no barrier to an active sex life ... according
        to a survey published on Thursday by Pfizer."
                        — Reuters, Feb. 21, 2002

London (SatireWire.com) — A breakthrough study published last week by Viagra
maker Pfizer revealed that contrary to popular belief, being old does not
extinguish the passion for having sex.  However, researchers warned,
thinking about old people having sex does.

The study of 26,000 people in 28 countries found that older men and women
remain sexually active, even well into their 70s, and that younger men and
women who think about that too much are going to be put right off the whole

In fact, researchers said most of the young interviewers who collected
information in the study haven't been able to have sex for weeks, a
condition made explainable with the release of a sample interview

Interviewer:    OK, you're 78 and still have sex.  That's all I need.

Respondent:     Let me tell you, it's not always easy.

Interviewer:    I'm sure it's not.  Well, goodbye...

Respondent:     Like when the arthritis flares up...

Interviewer:    Oh... my, look, that's enough.

Respondent:     Or if the wife's colostomy bag...

Interviewer:    Please, no.

Respondent:     ...gets tangled with my heart monitor...

Interviewer:    Eeeeeeooo...

Respondent:     I remember this one time, when we had left the curtains open ...
hello? ...
Copyright © 2002, SatireWire.

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Date:    Tue, 26 Feb 2002 07:28:37 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Golf Club Sign....

A sign posted at a local golf club...

1.  Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.

2.  Form a loose grip.

3.  Keep your head down.

4.  Avoid a quick back swing.

5.  Stay out of the water.

6.  Try not to hit anyone.

7.  If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.

8.  Don't stand directly in front of others.

9.  Quiet please....while others are preparing to go.

10. Don't take extra strokes.

Very good. Now flush the urinal, wash your hands, go outside and tee off.

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Date:    Tue, 26 Feb 2002 06:45:29 -0800
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: A few examples of Cajun humor (some oldies again)

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux and their wives went to a party one weekend.
They had a little too much to drink, especially Thibodeaux, and everybody
was laughing at him for getting so drunk. After a while, Thibodeaux couldn't
find his wife, Clothile, so he went looking for her.
He finally looked in one of the upstairs bedrooms and found Clothile and
Boudreaux (both as drunk as he) doing the wild thing. Thibodeaux runs back
downstairs and yells to everybody, "Hey, y'all think I'm drunk? Come upstairs
and see Boudreaux. He's so drunk, he thinks he's me."
Newlyweds Boudreaux and Marie are on their honeymoon trip from their little
village on the bayou in south Louisiana. They are nearing Breaux Bridge when
Boudreaux puts his hand on Marie's knee.  Giggling, Marie says, "Mais,
Boudreaux, we married now. You can go further than that if you want to." So
Boudreaux drives on to Lafayette.
A woman walked up to a very elderly looking Boudreaux rocking in a chair on
his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look for your age." she
said. "What's your secret for having lived such a long happy life?"
Boudreaux tells her, "I smoke three packs of cigs a day, I drink a case of
whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you anyway?"
Boudreaux replied, "Twenty six!"
Boudreaux was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Marie, will you give me
one last request?"  "Of course, Boudreaux, anything," his wife said softly.
"Good, six months after I die," he said, "I wants you to marry Thibodeaux."
Marie remarks, " But I thought you hated Thibodeaux." With his last breath,
Boudreaux said,"I DO!"
Boudreaux goes to see his preacher one day. "Preacher, sumting terrible is
happening, and I have to talk to you about it."  The preacher asked, "What's
wrong, Boudreaux?" Boudreaux replied, "My wife, Marie, I tink she's poisoning
me."  The preacher, very surprised by this, asks, "What makes you say that?"
Boudreaux then pleads, "I'm telling you, I just know she's trying to poison
me. What should I do?"  The preacher then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk
to her, and I'll see what I can find out and let you know."  A week later the
preacher calls Boudreaux and tells him, "Well, I spoke to your wife on the phone
for three solid hours. You want my advice?" Boudreaux anxiously says, "Yes,
anything!"  The preacher tells Boudreaux, "TAKE THE POISON!"
A very attractive and extremely shapely young lady, chaperoned by an equally
very ugly, homely old lady, entered old Doc Boudreaux's office.  "We have come
for an examination," said the young girl.  "Mais, alright," Doc Boudreaux tells
her. "Go behind dat curtain and take all of you clothes off." "Oh no, it's not
for me," said the girl, "It's for my old maid aunt here."  "Oh, well, in dat
case," Doc Boudreaux tells the elderly woman, "Lady, stick out you tongue!"
The Thibodeauxs were visiting the Boudreauxs when "Tee" Boudreaux remarked
to Mrs. Thibodeaux, "Boy, you sure is ugly, Clothile!" Poppa Boudreaux grabbed
"Tee" by his ear and dragged him to the kitchen.  "Tee", he fussed, "Dat wasn't
very nice of you. I wants you to go back in dere and apologize to her. Go tell
her dat you sorry!"  "Tee" goes back into the other room and says, "Clothile, I
sure sorry dat you is so ugly!"
Boudreaux, as usual, had too much to drink. As he is sitting in the barroom, a
beautiful lady comes in and sits next to him. Talking to her, he eventually gets
around to asking her, "Cher, would you do the "Big Nasty" wid me for a million
dollars?"  She tells him that she would indeed.  He asks her, "And would you do
it wid me for a quarter?" She gets her mad all up and yells at him, "Just what
kind of girl do you think I am?"  Boudreaux tells her, "Mais, Cher, we done
already established dat.  Now we just hagglin' over de price!"
Thibodeaux's two kids are in the same class at school, and the teacher had the
class write reports about their pets. After the reports were all turned in, the
teacher called one of the Thibodeau youngsters up to her desk and scolded him.
"This report on 'My Dog' is exactly, word for word, the same as your brother's.
Did you copy from him?"  He replies, "Mais, no Ma'am, it's about de same dog!"
Boudreaux and Thibodeaux were doing their usual Saturday night
thing--drinking--and Thibodeaux tells Boudreaux, "Let's have one more beer and
go find us some women." Boudreaux tells him, "Oh, not me. I gots more den I can
handle at home." Thibodeaux, well inebriated by now, says, "Mais, OK, let's have
one more beer and go to your house, den!"
Boudreaux found Thibodeaux walking down the levee, looking really down in the
dumps. Naturally, he asked Thibodeaux what the problem was. Thibodeaux told
Boudreaux, "Well, me and Clothile done had our first fight last night."
Boudreaux says, "Aw, dat's too bad. What y'all had a fight about?" Thibodeaux
tells him, "Mais, I told her a joke about de Pope."  Boudreaux says, "Mais,
Thib, why did you do that? You knows dat Clothile is Catholic." Thibodeaux
replies, "Yah, I knew dat, but I didn't know de Pope was too."

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Date:    Tue, 26 Feb 2002 07:58:51 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <PBenoit@COOKSONELECTRONICS.COM>
Subject: "I've just killed the fatted calf," the Old Perfesser revealed.

When the old perfesser was still the young perfesser, he and his wife
lived in a cheap housing complex near the collitch where he was working.
Their chief complaint was that the walls were paper-thin and that they
had no privacy. This was painfully obvious when one morning the young
perfesser was upstairs and MrsPerfesser was downstairs on the telephone.
She was interrupted by the doorbell and went to greet her neighbor.
"Give this to your husband," he said thrusting a roll of toilet paper
into her hands. "He's been yelling for it for 15 minutes!"

       -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

[excerpted from The Old Perfesser's diary]

Dear Diary,

I've learned that if I upset MrsPerfesser she nags me.....
If I upset her even more, I get the silent treatment......
Whaddya think, it's definitely worth the extra effort, ain't it?

             - The Old Perfesser

       -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

The old and MrsPerfesser were in the shoe store, where MrsPerfesser
was trying on her twelfth pair of shoes. As the salesman slipped a
shoe onto her foot, the end of his tie got caught beneath her heel.
Unaware of his predicament, MrsPerfesser stood up and started toward
the mirror. For a few seconds, the salesman found himself crawling
along the floor beside her, trying to get her attention.
"Look!" the old perfesser said to her. "He wants to go home with you!"

       -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

When the old perfesser was still teaching, he never gave tests, only
quizzes, which he so cutely called 'quizzies.'
One day, frustrated with his stupid 'quizzies,' a student blurted out,
"If this is one of your quizzies, I'd hate to see one of your testies!"
After realizing what she had said, she turned bright red and silently
left the classroom.

       -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

      submitted by The Old Perfesser
      special to The Valdoster Daily Snooze

Well, I must say all you naysayers out there sure can be nasty!
Don't think I didn't hear what you said about me, Billy Ray and
Bobby Simkins! You really want me to tell what goes on down at
the gym?? I thought not!
Now, without further ado, I present the second installment in the
"French is better than everything" series...

Part 2:
 French is Better than Coffee!

 - Speaking French gives you a natural high
 - You don't have to worry if you speak French right
   before bedtime
 - French won't burn your tongue
 - No such thing as a "French headache"
 - French won't give you high blood pressure
 - No chance of spilling French and ruining your clothes
 - You don't need to roast, grind, and brew French before
   you speak it
 - No cups or "French makers" to clean after you speak French
 - French won't stain your teeth
 - Don't have to worry about your French getting cold before
   you finish talking

       -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

After 50+ years of wondering why he didn't look like his younger sister
or brother, the old perfesser finally got up the nerve to ask his mother
if he was adopted.
"Yes, you were son," his mother said as she started to cry softly, "but
it didn't work out and they brought you back."

       -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

After many years of marriage, like a lot of women, MrsPerfesser felt
that her husband didn't pay much attention to her wants and needs.
The old perfesser always claimed work pressures, and it wasn't a matter
of ignoring her, just that he was too tired.
One morning, following a night of what can only be called "Tepid Love-
Making", the old perfesser noticed a new message under his name on the
WhiteBoard by the telephone.
MrsPerfesser had written,  "Call Undertaker.  See if they give free

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, "You're only
interested in one thing," and you can't remember what it is.
         - The Old Perfesser

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Date:    Tue, 26 Feb 2002 08:50:31 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: My Friends Call Me...

There was a married couple sleeping and an intruder entered into
their house. The intruder put a knife to the neck of the woman and
said, "I like to know the names of my victims before I kill them,
what is your name?"

"My name is Elizabeth," the woman replied.

The intruder said, "You remind me of my mother who was also named
Elizabeth, so I can't kill you."

The intruder then turned to the husband and asked, "What is your

"My name's Phillip, but my friends call me Elizabeth."


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Date:    Tue, 26 Feb 2002 10:59:56 -0500
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: More Stories With Children

Just in from the usually reliable web sources:

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman
in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was
reeling from the shock, I heard my five-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom!
That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped
his toothbrush in the toilet.  So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage.
Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out
with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We
better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days

I love the outdoors, and because of my passion for hunting and fishing, my
family eats a considerable amount of wild game. So much, in fact, that one
evening as I set a platter of broiled venison steaks on the dinner table, my
ten-year-old daughter looked up and said, "Boy, it sure would be nice if pizzas
lived in the woods."

A mother was showing her son how to zip up his coat. "The secret," she said, "is
to get the left part of the zipper to fit in the other side before you try to
zip it up." The boy looked at her quizzically... "Why does it have to be a

When my daughter was three, we watched Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs for the
first time. The wicked queen appeared, disguised as an old lady selling apples,
and my daughter was spellbound. Then Snow White took a bite of the poisoned
apple and fell to the ground unconscious. As the apple rolled away, my daughter
spoke up. "See, Mom. She doesn't like the skin either."

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room.
When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels
and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked,
"What's the matter --haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

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Date:    Tue, 26 Feb 2002 08:31:05 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Puns of the Weak: 02/22/02 (Part 4)

                        LONGER PUNS:

 •"So before living in an apartment in Canada you lived in a house in
California?" "Yes, and my apartment is also much colder." "Do you miss
not having a fireplace?" "You bet.  I left my hearth in San Francisco."
(Workman Pub)•
 •One of my favorite grade school Show & Tell projects involved me
kidnapping my sister's vast Barbie doll collection, dressing them as
various pagan goddesses, and hanging them on the elm out front. This
work showed the entire family history of The Maiden, The Mother, and The
Crone. Clearly,  it was a dolly-tree. (Tim Davis)•
 •"Here, boy," said the man to the boy who was helping him drive a herd
of cattle. "Hold this bull a minute, will you?" "No, I won't!" answered
the boy. "I don't mind being a director in this company, but I'll be
damned if I'm going to be a stockholder." (Evan Esar)•
 •It seems that the LAPD just got on the internet. Chosen to coordinate
this feat was none other than Sgt. Joe Friday of Dragnet fame!! After
one week he had to give a presentation explaining Usenet to all the
officers. At the presentation, one woman stated, "You seem to know so
much about this stuff, Joe. Did you really read all those postings?" To
which he replied: "Just the FAQs, Ma'am." (Hirsch & McNair)•
 •While handing a 25 cent-off coupon to the supermarket clerk at the
checkout counter a woman inadvertently missed her hand, and the coupon
slipped beneath the scale and was gone. The checker looked distressed so
I the woman said, "That's Okay, it's in coupon heaven now." "Coupon
heaven?" the checker said. "Yes," the woman said, "That's where coupons
go when they die." "Only the redeemed ones!" said the checker. (Harold Clark)•
 •A Navy officer was shipwrecked and found himself in the hands of wild
cannibals.  "What's your grade?" asked the cannibal chief. "I'm a
commander," the officer replied. "Good," said the cannibal chief.
"Tomorrow you will be COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF." (Whimsical Wits)•
 •A doctor had just hired a new secretary. Having trouble with the
doctor1s notes on an emergency case which read, "Shot in the lumbar
region," the poor girl was flustered and at her wit's end. At last she
thought she had it figured out and brightened up as she typed up the
record, "Wounded in the woods." (Gail S. Angel)•
 •At the diner, my breakfast arrived with only three sausages instead of
the usual four. The waitress explained that the cook had dropped one and
was making another. Soon the cook dashed out of the kitchen. "Here you
are," he announced. "It's the missing link!" (Michael Rogers)•
 •A burglar went to the bank and pointed a gun on the cashier and said,
"Give me all your money, or you'll be geography!" The cashier laughed
and said, "You mean to say history." The burglar answered, "Dammit,
don't change the "subject!" (Pure Humor)•
 •This is being written through a black eye. The school I work with is
getting some television coverage. One of the reporters, had this patch
invitingly pinned over her left breast which said - "Press" and I did.
(Gunjan Saraf) •
 •The men of Charlie Company had been in the field for two weeks when
the Sarge announces, "I've got good news and bad news. First the good
news. Today we're going to change our underwear." The troops started
cheering at the news. "Now the bad news. Smith, you change with Jones.
Andrews, you change with Goldman...." (Pure Humor)•

                        FOR THE CHILDREN:

 •How do you communicate with a fish?
        You drop it a line.  (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)•
 •What do you call a lost parrot?
        A polygon (Alexis, 8)•
 •Why do adults tell stupid jokes?
        Because they are groan-ups, (Page a Day Calendar)•
 •Did you hear about the fight in the seafood restaurant?
        Two fish got battered.  (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)•
 •Why did the player bring a rope to the game?
        He wanted to tie up the score. (Kenneth, 9)•
 •Why wouldn’t they let the butterfly into the dance?
        Because it was a moth ball. (Raquel,10)•
 •Why are most fish well-educated?
        Because they travel in schools  (Richard Lederer & James Ertner) •
 •What do you call a hippie’s wife?
        Mississippi (Raquel, 10)•
 •What happened when a dog sneaked into the flea circus?
        He stole the whole show (The Daily Groaner).•
 •Why did the man go fishing?
        Just for the halibut. (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)•
 •What do you get if you cross a turtle with a porcupine?
        A Slowpoke  (Gail S. Angel)•
 •Two mosquitoes were on Robinson Caruso when one said to the other,
“I’m leaving now, but I’ll see you on Friday.”  (Lederer & Ertner)  •
 •What do you call a person who takes care of lemons.
        A lemonade. (Gabby, 9)•
 •Why did the cop put his car in reverse?
        Because he needed backup. (Jacob, 11)•
 •What’s a duck’s favorite food?
        Quackers (Danielle, 9 and Ben, 7)•
 •How do Priests travel?
        By holy-copter. (The Daily Groaner)•
 •What is the best butter in the world?
        A goat  (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)•
 •Census Taker: "How many children do you have?" Woman: "Four." "May I
have their names, please?" "Eenie, Meenie, Minie and George." "Okay,
that's fine.  But may I ask why you named your fourth child George?"
"Because we didn't want any Moe." (Tim Davis)•

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Date:    Tue, 26 Feb 2002 08:52:42 -1000
From:    Mickey&Karen <mhenn@GTE.NET>
Subject: servicemen<adult&lang>

Three servicemen, Air Force, Marine, and a Sailor, were all on a
flight to
go home on leave after spending time in Afghanistan.

When they landed a man approached them and said ,"boys to show my
thanks for
serving our country I'm gonna give you my truck to drive home so you
have to pay for a cab." The guys thankfully agreed and drove off.

Halfway there the truck broke down and they were stuck out on a lonely
stretch of road. Off in the distance they seen a farm house and went
to ask
to use the phone. When the man at the door answered and saw the men in
uniform he invited them in.

He said ,"boys for serving our country I'll cook you a steak dinner
and you
can shack up with my three daughters, you'll have to discuss amongst
yourselves who sleeps with each girl,there's plenty of beer in the

The men ate and the first girl comes down the stairs, a very pretty
girl. The
flyboy jumped up and said "she's mine" and goes upstairs.

The second girl comes down, prettier than the first, the jarhead
her up and goes upstairs.

The sailor is waiting for the last girl thinking he's getting the
heifer of
the group. To his delight she comes down,the finest of them all.

The next morning the farmer is cooking breakfast. The fly boy comes
first, uniform neatly pressed, fresh looking. The farmer asked if he
breakfast but the flyboy says, "No thank you sir, you've done enough
already." and left.

The jarhead came down next, uniform not as neat as the flyboys but
acceptable. The farmer offers him food but he only drinks
coffee,thanks the
farmer and leaves.

The sailor comes down next, still a little drunk, neckerchief messed
up and
missing a shoe. The farmer offers him breakfast and the sailor ate
everything and took off without even a 'thank you'.

After they all were gone the farmer calls his girls down. Rubbing his
together greedily he says,"ok girls,how did we do?"

The girl with the airman says, "he fondled me a little, drank a beer
gave me $200!"

The girl with the marine says, "he fucked me one time, had a couple
and gave me $150."

The poor girl with the sailor appears all tired and worn out, "he
fucked me
all night, drank the rest of the beer, and I'll be damned if he didn't
borrow $50 off me till next payday!!"

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Date:    Tue, 26 Feb 2002 13:18:20 -0600
From:    Rowe, Thomas <trowe@UWSP.EDU>
Subject: Airplane funnies


All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight  "safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.  Here  are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and  will  be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all your belongings.   If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to
YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.  If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child pick  your favorite.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but  we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks are in the overhead area.  Please    place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children... or other adults acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.   Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.  Please do not leave children or spouses."

From the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.  Unfortunately,  none of them are on this flight!"

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault...it was the asphalt!"

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:  "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.

She said,  "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"

"Why no Ma'am," said the
pilot.  "What is it?"

The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable   cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom,  "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit  back  and relax - OH, MY GOD!"

Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of  my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

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Date:    Tue, 26 Feb 2002 18:18:47 -0800
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Teachers wanted

Got this from my friend Ana E. Muss.

  When I was a high school senior, I saw an inspirational ad on TV about becoming a teacher.  I called the number shown: 800-45TEACH.  After a woman answered, I babbled on about how I thought I had found my life's calling and could she send me information.
   She asked what number I was calling.  After I told her, there was a long pause.  Then she said, "You misspelled teach."

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Date:    Wed, 27 Feb 2002 00:17:50 -0500
From:    The Punk with the Stutter <thepunkwiththestutter@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: This Week's News In Brief

Lee Greenwood Urges U.S. To Take Military Action Against Iraq

NASHVILLE, TN— With sales of "God Bless The U.S.A." waning after a
five-month surge, country singer Lee Greenwood urged the U.S. to take
military action against Iraq Monday.  "Saddam Hussein is a despot with
strong ties to terrorism, and his regime must be toppled," Greenwood said.
"Unfortunately, our best chance of doing so is to send brave young American
soldiers into dangerous, emotionally stirring combat situations."  Greenwood
added that he would probably be willing to perform his signature hit for the
troops during a live CBS special if asked.

$5 Million Bounty Placed On Recession

WASHINGTON, DC— A determined President Bush posted a $5 million bounty on
the nation's economic downturn Monday.  "This recession may run its course,
but it cannot hide," Bush said.  "We will find you, and we will end you."
Bush is also offering a $2 million reward for information leading to an
increase in durable-goods orders in the second quarter.

Upset Woman Forced To Re-Sigh Louder

MCKEESPORT, PA— Failing to elicit sympathy or concern with her first
attempt, Staffing Solutions office manager Connie Lindel was forced to
re-sigh louder and more plaintively Monday.  "Well, I guess I'll just turn
off everyone else's lights at the end of the day myself," Lindel, 33, told
coworkers before letting out a second, longer sigh.  "Oh, well."  Lindel,
who was unable to elicit any measure of sympathy with the follow-up sigh, is
expected to try again Thursday with her arms folded and significantly more
resignation in her voice.

Parents' Password Cracked On First Try

REDONDO BEACH, CA— Nick Berrigan, 14, successfully hacked into his parents'
AOL account on the first try Tuesday, correctly guessing that "Digby" was
their password.  "They actually used the dog's name," said Berrigan,
deactivating the parental controls on his AOL account.  "They don't give me
much credit, do they?"  Experts advise parents to secure Internet accounts
with any password besides the name of a family pet.

Genetically Modified Broccoli Shrieks Benefits At Shopper

BREMERTON, WA— A head of genetically modified broccoli shrieked its numerous
benefits at shoppers Monday in a Seattle-area Safeway.  "I contain 40
percent more vitamin A than non-modified broccoli!" the head screeched at
terrified produce-aisle customers.  "I can fight off insects and disease
without the use of pesticides!"  Monsanto, makers of the vegetable, stressed
that genetic-modification technology is still in its infancy, and that more
pleasantly voiced broccoli should hit store shelves by 2003.

Warranty Outlasts Company

LODI, NJ— The five-year warranty for a UniTek MP3 player outlasted the
product's manufacturer, which closed Monday after two years in business.  "I
still had more than four years left on that [warranty]," said Jeffrey Lalo,
44, who bought the MP3 player in June 2001.  "Man, that sucks."  Lalo said
he plans to hang on to the certificate of warranty "just in case they
somehow come back or something."
___   ___   ___   ___   ___
© Copyright 2002 Onion, Inc.

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