Digest for Sunday, February 24, 2002

There are 8 messages totalling 464 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Kitten Cloning May Ease Worldwide Cat Shortage
  2. Puns of the Weak: 02/22/02 (Part 2)
  3. Ostrich & Pussy
  4. Whos *really* the boss?
  5. Jet Fuel
  6. Neck size
  7. The New Dating Shows << adult language >>
  8. q&a


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Date:    Sun, 24 Feb 2002 02:05:38 -0500
From:    Rollo Tomasi <rollotomasi718@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: Kitten Cloning May Ease Worldwide Cat Shortage

        A Boon For Cat-Poor
        Nations, Experts Say

by Andy Borowitz

The recent successful cloning of a kitten could mean the elimination of
severe cat shortages around the world, scientists involved in the procedure
said today.

"The eradication of global cat-scarcity is now more than a crazy dream,"
said Dr. David Carson of the kitten-cloning team.  "It is a reality."

"Thanks to this breakthrough, the sounds of screeching,
furniture-scratching, and hairball-coughing-up will soon be heard in even
the most cat-poor of nations," Dr. Carson continued.

Other experts, however, were sharply critical of the procedure, claiming
that the problem of cat-scarcity was a myth concocted by kitten-cloning
profiteers.

"Since when are there not enough cats?" said Dr. Irvin McKay of the
Institute for the Criticism of Scientific Breakthroughs, located at the
University of Minnesota.  "You take a poll right now, I'll bet you can't
find one country that wants more cats."

Dr. McKay added that there could never be a worldwide cat shortage because
cats are, in his words, "so damn horny."

"Who needs a bunch of scientists pumping out artificial kittens on top of
what those horny little bastards already do?" Dr. McKay said.  "Cats mate
like rabbits."

Dr. McKay went on to say that kitten cloning was only the latest in a series
of so-called "scientific breakthroughs" for which the world had no
discernible need, like last year's introduction of canine Viagra.

"Now there was a bright idea," McKay added sarcastically.  "What dog ever
needed Viagra?  Those furry bastards are even hornier than cats."

Dr. McKay does not own any pets.
___
© Borowitz Report


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Date:    Sun, 24 Feb 2002 01:00:31 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Puns of the Weak: 02/22/02 (Part 2)

                        OTHER RIDDLES:

 •Why did Sir Lancelot need a can opener?
        Because he had a flea in his knight clothes.  (Lederer & Ertner)  •
 •Why did the cat join the Red Cross?
        Because she wanted to be a first-aid kit!  (Douglas Helsel)  •
 •How can you tell a milkmaid?
         She's the one with the prominent dairy air  (Lederer & Ertner)  •
 •What did Noah use to lock up his boat?
        Anarchy   (The Daily Groaner)•
 •What happens to a cow when it gives birth?
        It becomes decalfinated.  (Lederer & Ertner)•
 •What does the lion say to his friends before they go out hunting for food?
        "Let us prey!"  (Douglas Helsel)  •
 •Why did Frankie Avalon refuse to walk a tightrope in his last beach movie?
        He was afraid to work without Annette. (The Daily Groaner)•
 •"Why are all your ships laid up?"
        "I haven't a notion!" (Uncle Joe/ Gunjan Saraf)  •

                        TOM SWIFTIES:

 •"Was the Energizer Bunny really arrested and charged with battery?"
asked a shocked Tom. (Jerlyn F.)•
 •"Troops, I guess there won't be a Christmas show this year", said Tom
hopelessly..(Mark Israel)•
 •"A thousand thanks, Monsieur," said Tom mercifully (Gill Krebs).•
 •"Our picnic was invaded by insects from other countries," Tom said
importantly. (Bob Christofferson)•
 •"It's my maid's night off," said Tom helplessly. (Mark Israel)•
 •"Sorry, Guard, I missed the curfew", Tom said disconsolately. (Megan Waves)•
 •"I got a snapshot of the CBS anchorman, but I haven't developed it”
said Tom, rather negatively. (Gill Krebs)•
 •"I want a little more Tobasco in my Bloody Mary," Tom said saucily.
(Stan Kegel)•
 •"My hand is numb," Tom said unfeelingly. (Weber & Bryan)•
 •"I don't have a manual transmission," Tom said automatically.  (Stan Kegel).•
 •"OK Mom, I'm going to hypnotize you now," said Tom transparently.(Gill Krebs)•
 •"It's Jack the Ripper!" said Tom horrendously. (Mark Israel)•

                        BLOOPERS:

 •I am very detail-oreinted. (Robert Half)•
 •Ed Sullivan talking to guest, Jack Jones, “Wasn’t Alan Jones your
father?” “He still is !” snapped the Jones boy. (Kermit Schaffer)•
 •Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music (Richard Lederer).•
 •In a classified ad: "Vacation special: Have your home exterminated.
Get  rid of aunts." (Peter Bergt)•
 •Found on a mincemeat jar: "The contents are sufficient for a pie for
six persons or 12 small tarts." (Chicago Sun-Times)•
 •A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals. (Richard Lederer)•
 •In the offices of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your
home." (Peter Bergt)•
 •When my sister tried to buy a 33-cent stamp from a vending machine in
the post-office lobby, she encountered two signs. The first one read
"This machine takes exact change only." The other said "No pennies."
(Reader’s Digest)•

                        DAILIES:

 •A lot of dieting is wishful shrinking.  (Pun of the Day)•
 •A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative (Pun of the Day)•
 •The photographer won the award because his work was picture perfect. (Jumble)•
 •Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.(Very Punny)•
 •Calm ocean in the morning, build a mooring. I think that's what the
sea ment. (The Big Pun)•
 •Who says nothing is impossible. I've been doing nothing for years. (E4Fun)•
 •I tried snorting Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose. (E4Fun)•
 •Sign seen on the gate to the tennis courts approximating a nude beach,
NO SHOES, NO SHIRT, NO SERVICE. (Intl Save the Pun Fnd)•
 •Forbidden fruit causes many jams.  (Pun of the Day)•
 •A music store had a small sign which read: Bach in a Minuet (Pun of
the Day)•
 •How do you change a Fox into an Elephant
        You marry her!  (The Daily Groaner)•
 •How do you turn a Stallion into a pig?
        You marry him! (The Daily Groaner)•
 •When the human cannonball was late for work he got fired (Pun of the
Day encore)
What do you get when you cross a werewolf with a ceramicist?
        A hairy potter  (The Daily Groaner)•
 •When the human cannonball retired they couldn't find a replacement of
the right caliber (Pun of the Day encore)•
 •The cop had no choice but to pull over the eastern European driver. He
was clearly Rushin'. (The Big Pun)•
 •New book: “Unemployed” by Anita Job (Ray Owen’s Joke a Day)•
 •A pediatrician is a doctor of little patients.  (Pun of the Day)•
 •A captain who had only a skeleton crew, and made no bones about it!
(Pun of the Day encore)•
 •When it came time to judge, the carpenter was floored by the panel.
(Pun of the Day)•
 •Medieval disputes were often settled in knight court.  (Jumble)•
 •People who talk about false gods are engaged in idol gossip. (E4Fun)•
 •After our honeymoon, I felt like a new man. She said she did, too.
(Very Punny)•
 •When the skeleton went to a party he had no body to dance with (Pun of
the Day encore)•
 •After the storm, the boys cleaned driveways. They shoveled it in.  (Jumble)•
 •f flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
(Vinay/ Very Punny)•

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Date:    Sun, 24 Feb 2002 07:37:46 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Ostrich & Pussy

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him and as he sits, a
small cat jumps up on the stool beside him. The bartender comes over and
asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the
ostrich. What's yours?"
"I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich. The cat says "I'll have a half
beer, but I'm not paying for it." The bartender pours the beer and says
"That will be $3.40 please," and the  man reaches into his pocket and
pulls out exact change for payment.

The next day, the man, ostrich and cat come again and the man says "I'll
have a beer," The ostrich says "I'll have the same" And the cat says "I'll
have a half glass of beer but I'm not paying for it." Once again the man
reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the trio enter again. "The
usual?" asks the bartender. "Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a
large scotch" says the man. "Same for me" says the ostrich. "I'll have a
small scotch but I'm not paying for it" says the cat. "That will be $7.20"
says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his
pocket and places it on the bar. The bartender can't hold back his
curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up
with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two
wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just
put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will always be
there."
"That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for
as long as you live!"
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man. The bartender asks "One other thing,
sir, what's with the ostrich and the cat?" The man replies "My second wish
was for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."

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Date:    Sun, 24 Feb 2002 07:16:53 -0800
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Who's *really* the boss?

PBen was advised by his psychiatrist to assert himself.

"You don't have to let your wife henpeck you. Go home and show her
you're the boss."

The man was on fire with enthusiasm and couldn't wait to try the
Doctor's advice...
He rushed home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face,
and growled, "From now on, you're taking orders from me. I want my
supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs, and
lay out my best clothes. Tonight, I'm going out with the boys and
you're going to stay home where you belong. And another thing...you
know who's going to comb my hair, adjust my pants, and then tie my
tie?"

"I certainly do;" said his wife calmly...."the undertaker."

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Date:    Sun, 24 Feb 2002 08:52:17 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Jet Fuel

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as
airplane mechanics in Atlanta.  One day the airport was fogged
in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"

Jim says, "Me too.  Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel
and get a buzz.

You wanna try it?"  So they pour themselves a couple of
glasses of high  octane hooch and get completely smashed.

The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he
feels.  In  fact he feels GREAT!  NO hangover!  NO bad side
effects, nothing!

Then the phone rings...It's Jim.  Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel
this morning?"

Bud says, "I feel great.  How about you?"

Jim says, "I feel great, too.  You don't have a hangover?"

Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing.
We ought to do this more often."

"Yeah, well there's just one thing..."

"What's that?"

"Have you farted yet?"

"No..."

"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in PHOENIX!!

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Sun, 24 Feb 2002 19:59:02 -0800
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Neck size

+Got this from my friend Ana E. Muss+

   While I was working in the men's section of a department store, a woman asked me to help her choose a white dress shirt for her husband.  When I asked about his size, the woman looked stumped at first.  Then her face brightened.
   She held up her hands, forming a circle with her forefingers and thumbs.  "I don't know his size," she said, "but my hands fit perfectly around his neck."



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Date:    Sun, 24 Feb 2002 23:29:30 -0500
From:    The Punk with the Stutter <thepunkwiththestutter@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: The New Dating Shows  << adult language >>

From "Blind Date" to "Dismissed" to "The Fifth Wheel", a new wave of dating
shows is sweeping the airwaves.  Why are people watching?

•  Enjoy watching hair-gelled pricks compete for attention of vapid
community-college nursing students

•  Believe true love is harshly lit and heavily edited

•  Curious to hear "Mandy, 21, Marketing Rep--Van Nuys, CA" expound on
craziest place she's ever done it

•  Smug, sarcastic hosts likable compared to contestants

•  WWF wrestling only showcases physical cruelty

•  Hoping to see some pixelated hot-tub boobies

•  Love sound of clacking tongue piercing as 19-year-olds make out

•  Can't sleep... can't fucking sleep

=============

This Week's Horoscopes

By Lloyd Schumner Sr.
Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B.-Certified Astrologer

Aries: (March 21—April 19)
Those hot-shot doctors may think your colon cancer is inoperable, but this
week you and your trusty Scout knife are going to prove them wrong.

Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
Confusion over the definition of the word "elope" will soon bring you
familiarity with Las Vegas' surprisingly comprehensive animal-cruelty laws.

Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
You will be chained to a rock, upon which eagles will devour your liver for
all eternity, after you steal the secret of a great marinara sauce from the
gods.

Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
You didn't think you were the type to marry a convicted murderer after
reading his letters, but everyone else did.

Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
Remember, it's perfectly normal for your body to go through some changes
while you are in the phase known as "post-mortem deliquescence."

Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
Anger and frustration overtake you when you decide that if you cannot have
Betty Rubble, no man will.

Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
After his untimely death, all those mean things you said about Dave will
come back to haunt you.  As will Dave himself.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
A lovestruck man will play guitar and sing underneath your bedroom window
this week, which might be romantic if it weren't Ted Nugent.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
You will spend the next few days in the company of people who firmly believe
that you hate figure skating because of your lack of ability at it.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
You will soon find yourself entangled in a messy accident with a knife
thrower, although drunk driving, not knife throwing, is actually the real
issue.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
Gustav Holst will appear to you in a dream and refuse to leave until you
agree that John Williams has been ripping him off for years.

Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
It's not true that all the good band names are taken.  But if believing that
keeps you from starting a band, great.
___   ___   ___   ___   ___
© Copyright 2002 Onion, Inc.


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Date:    Sun, 24 Feb 2002 20:26:45 -1000
From:    Mickey&Karen <mhenn@GTE.NET>
Subject: q&a<adult>

: How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb??
A: None.... Californians don't screw in light bulbs, they screw
   in hot tubs.
     ---------------------
Q: Is it ok to eat out on a first date?
A: Well, it's usually best to try an old-fashioned
   French Kiss first...
     ---------------------

Q: Did you hear about the constipated mathmatician?
A: He worked it out with a pencil.

Q: Did you hear about the constipated jitterbug?
A: He couldn't jit.

Q: Well, did you hear about the constipated accountant?
A: He couldn't budget.

     ---------------------

Q: Did you hear that O.J. is endorsing a new margarine product?
A: It's called, "I Can't Believe I'm Not Guilty!"
     ---------------------
Q: Have you heard about the new Home Cloning Kit?
A: You open up the box and there's one page of instructions.
   Actually, just one instruction:  "Go fuck yourself."
     ---------------------
Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic gynecologist?
A: He wants to look at your vinegar.
     ---------------------
Q: Did you hear that Oprah Winfrey was busted for drug smuggling
   at the airport?
A: Seems she bent over and someone saw fifty pounds of crack.
     ---------------------
Q: Know why its called a blow "job" ?
A: So the feminists can attach a sort of quasi-work ethic to it
   without admitting they're really just another bunch of cocksuckers.
     ---------------------
Q: What's another name for a zipper?
A: A Penis Fly Trap.
     ---------------------
Q: Why did the man cross the road?
A: He heard the chicken was a slut.
     ---------------------
Q: What's the difference between O.J. and American justice?
A: O.J. is free.
     ---------------------
Q: Why do lawyers wear ties?
A: To keep the foreskin from slipping up over their heads.
     ---------------------
Q: Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school?
A: He was buttering up his teacher.
     ---------------------
Q: Why do blondes prefer black panties?
A: They wear them as a memorial for all the stiffs that were
   buried down there.
     ---------------------
Q: Why was Ronald McDonald fired?
A: They caught him giving Wendy a Whopper at Burger King.

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