Digest for Friday, February 22, 2002

There are 16 messages totalling 946 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. John Ashcroft Changes at Department of Justice
  2. You Have the Right
  3. Think before you act
  4. A Friend In Need Always Finds Your New Email Address
  5. The Obvious.....
  6. Grain Handling
  7. Thank God! part deux
  8. bows bronze .....balls gold !!!! aDULLt
  9. Medical Advice:
  10. Poetry: Homonyms and Heteronyms
  11. Olympic Late-Braking News
  12. Light Bulbs
  13. At the winter games
  14. Chat-Room Shorthand < adult >
  15. Puns of the Weak 2/22/02 (Part 1)
  16. Man talk


----------------------------------------------------------------------


Date:    Fri, 22 Feb 2002 02:06:05 -0500
From:    Rollo Tomasi <rollotomasi718@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: John Ashcroft Changes at Department of Justice

        The New York Post:  "The Justice Department
        recently bought drapes to hide two mostly nude statues
        seen in the background during press conferences -
        but Attorney General John Ashcroft is denying he
        ordered the cover-up."    --January 29, 2002

•  Annual DOJ Dinner/Dance shortened to just Dinner Bald eagle on DOJ seal
repositioned to eliminate bird genitalia.

•  Justice no longer blind, as Jebus has given her sight

•  Sexual Harrassment Division renamed "Division of Naughty Bits"

•  Muslim prayer in federal prisons?  I don't think so.

•  Alcohol, Tobacco & Firearms prosecuted for "sampling" seized evidence.

•  Official AG theme song: "Purple Rain."

•  Next time the FBI goes "Waco," burn all the heretics.

•  Special DoJ task force developed to turn Pentagon Spokeswoman Victoria
Clarke into a pillar of salt.

•  DOJ Internet firewall set to filter out any sites with adult content,
send user to LibertyUniversity.org

•  All employees ordered to wear fig leaves outside their clothing, "just in
case."

•  DoJ building named after Robert F. Kennedy.  Each of 12 FBI field
offices, named after an apostle.

•  New taskforce: Bureau of Lawful Book Burning and Disposal of Indecent
Materials
_________
© Daily Wonk Lists 2002


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Date:    Fri, 22 Feb 2002 07:11:21 -0500
From:    Patrick Ash <pash@GRADIENT.CIS.UPENN.EDU>
Subject: You Have the Right <adult>

I was coming home late the other night when the flash of red
in the mirror told me that I was about to meet one of our state's
finest. I was surprised to see that the officer was a young,
rather attractive woman. After the preliminaries, she stated
"anything you say will be held against you."

"... Tits!"

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Date:    Fri, 22 Feb 2002 06:45:12 -0800
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Think before you act

12-Step program for people who reflexively forward every hoax mail or chain

letter they receive...

 1) I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing lists if I

    DON'T forward an email!

 2) I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I do forward an e-mail.


 3) Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money, Victoria Secret doesn't know
    anything about a gift certificate they're supposed to send me.

 4) Ford Motor Co. will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my
e-mail
    to more than 50 people.

 5) I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies from Coca
    Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or anyone else if I send an e-mail to
10
    people.

 6) I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e-mail . NEVER--
EVER!!

 7) There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program, and I am not
    STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100 for forwarding an

    e-mail to 10 or more people!

 8) There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in England
    or anywhere else collecting anything!

 9) The government does not have an email postage bill in Congress called
    901B (or whatever they named it this week) that, if passed, will enable

    them to charge us 5 cents for every e-mail we send.

 10) There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flowers,
     characters, or program that I will receive immediately after I forward
an
     e-mail. NONE, ZIP, ZERO,NADA!!

 11) The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to certain individual
     dying of some never-heard-of disease for every e-mail address I send
this
     to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations.

 12) And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into sending things by
     telling me I am not their friend or that I don't believe in the right
     religion. If God wants to send me a message, I believe the bushes in
my
     yard will burn before He picks up a PC to pass it on!

 Now, repeat this to yourself until you have it memorized, and send it
along
 to at least 5 of your friends before the next full moon or you will surely

 be constipated for the next three months and all of your hair will fall
 out!

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Date:    Fri, 22 Feb 2002 07:54:26 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <PBenoit@COOKSONELECTRONICS.COM>
Subject: A Friend In Need Always Finds Your New Email Address <adult>

Mom was out watching the boys play in the snow... JimJr was 6, and
little Lee wasn't quite 4 yet.
As she stood there watching them, she decided to put one of their
saucer sleds against the snow bank to lean back on.
As she stood there, the sled began to move. She moved with it back
and forth, while keeping her feet in the same position. It was fun,
and she felt like she must look like a windshield wiper.
So, she called out to JimJr, (knowing full well that he'd know
*exactly* what she was thinking, as he usually does), "Hey JimJr!!
What does Mommy look like?!"
JimJr looked up at her, and without blinking an eye, nonchalantly
replied, "An idiot."

    -=+=-  -=+=-  -=+=-  -=+=-  -=+=-  -=+=-

Rainy and her boyfriend are screwing.
Rainy asks, "You ain't got AIDS, do you?"
Her boyfriend replies, "No way!"
Rainy responds, "Oh, thank goodness!! I don't want to get
that again...!"

    -=+=-  -=+=-  -=+=-  -=+=-  -=+=-  -=+=-

Mickey, who suffered from impotence, went to see a doctor, who
gave him a monkey gland implant, which worked perfectly.
Nine months and two weeks later, his wife Karen had a baby.
When the nurse came out of the delivery room with the news,
Mickey asked, "Is it a boy or a girl?"
The nurse replied, "We won't know until it comes down off the
chandelier."

    -=+=-  -=+=-  -=+=-  -=+=-  -=+=-  -=+=-

       Maury's catheter tubing hung down,
       Off the bed, barely clearing the ground,
          Then his nurse, Cindy-Lou,
          Hooked the tube with her shoe...
       Maury's yell was heard all over town!

    -=+=-  -=+=-  -=+=-  -=+=-  -=+=-  -=+=-

Jay, Doug and Larry were moving furniture. While Jay and Doug
were struggling with a particularly heavy oak wardrobe, Jay
noticed that Larry was nowhere in sight.
"Doug, where's Larry?" asked Jay. "He should be helping us with
this thing."
"He is helping," said Doug, "He's inside holding the clothes
hangers in place!"

    -=+=-  -=+=-  -=+=-  -=+=-  -=+=-  -=+=-

       That crusty ol' codger named Lee,
       Done buggered an ape in a tree...
          The result was most horrid,
          All ass and no for'ead,
       Red eyes, and a purple goatee!

    -=+=-  -=+=-  -=+=-  -=+=-  -=+=-  -=+=-

Maury and jiM were constant companions. Maury was a calm laid back
individual and never complained, but jiM was very nervous and always
complaining about something.
One day jiM said to Maury, "Maury, how do you manage to get along
with everybody?"
Maury answered, "Oh, I just never disagree with anybody."
jiM said, "Maury, you're a liar !"
Maury said, "I know it."

    -=+=-  -=+=-  -=+=-  -=+=-  -=+=-  -=+=-

Les, JimJr and Lee took a trip to the beach, and happily happened
onto their wildest dreams, a nudist beach. They just stumbled up
and down the shore, watching the various young women, eyes all agog.
When they walked by the prettiest of them all, Les said, "Ooh, I'd
like to give her a hug."
"Mmm, I'd like to give her a kiss," said JimJr.
Lee said, "Wait... what was that other thing we used to do?"


***************
Caution: beware of downloading files named leftovers.pea ...
will definitely possess your system and having it spew green,
chunky vegetables all over the keyboard.
       - Ms Sam




______________________________________________________
This message (including any attachments) contains confidential information
intended for a specific individual and purpose, and is protected by law.  -
If you are not the intended recipient, you should delete this message and
are hereby notified that any disclosure, copying, or distribution of this
message, or the taking of any action based on it, is strictly prohibited.
_____________________________________________________

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Date:    Fri, 22 Feb 2002 08:29:32 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: The Obvious.....

First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden. Then he said to himself,
"There's something he's needing"

After casting about for a suitable pearl, He kept messing around and
created  a girl. Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender, Round, slim,
and firm and ever so tender. Two lovely hips to increase his desire, and
rounded and firm to bring out  the fire. Two lovely breasts, so full and
so proud, Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud. Two lovely arms, just
aching to bless you, And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder, and two dreamy eyes,
just to make him grow bolder. 'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart
sing. Then he added a mouth and ruined the whole thing.

.....................................................................

THIS IS FOR MEN TIRED OF RECEIVING MALE BASHING JOKES!

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the
time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman
who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to
support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary
things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first? The dog of course. He'll shut up once
you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman that won't do what she's
told.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
90%. It is called Wedding Cake.

Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring and Suffering.

Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said,
"Dust!"

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man
and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has
rested.

Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and
said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said,
I wish I had your willpower."

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man
doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: "That happens in every country, son."

A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted." The next
day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can
have mine."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it
once.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with
a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are beautiful.

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Date:    Fri, 22 Feb 2002 09:00:26 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Grain Handling

A man was in charge of off loading the grain from the ships at the
harbor. Unfortunately the grain was very moist and did not get
sucked up by vacuum too easily. He approached the foreman for
some advice, and was told:

"If at first you don't suck seed, try a drier grain."

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
Do chronic illegal parkers suffer from parking zones disease?

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Date:    Fri, 22 Feb 2002 10:25:19 -0600
From:    Rowe, Thomas <trowe@UWSP.EDU>
Subject: Thank God! part deux <a tad insensitive>

Bill Stebbins' Thank God I thought I was deaf reminded me of..........

A man went to the doctor for a full physical because a lot of things seemed to be going wrong.  It was a new doctor he hadn't seen before so there wasn't much rapport between them.  After a bunch of tests, he comes into the doctor's office for his consultation.

"Mr. Whipple, I'm afraid its not good.  I have some bad news and some really bad news."

"OK, Doc.  I know somethings wrong.  Don't sugar coat it.  Give it to me straight.  Tell me the worst."

Well, not knowing the patient, he decided to go along.  "Mr. Whipple, you have cancer.  The cancer started in the prostate and has metasticized into the lungs and the nervous system.  Its inoperable.  You have maybe 6 months to live."

He looked stunned.  His head sank down into his hands and he just sat there for a minute.  After a bit, he looked up and said:  "OK, Doc.  Lets have it.  What's the bad news?"

"Mr. Whipple, it appears you have a rapidly advancing case of Alzheimer's."

He grins and says "Thank God!  I was afraid I had cancer!"

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Date:    Fri, 22 Feb 2002 10:36:34 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <raneboux@BELLSOUTH.NET>
Subject: bows  bronze   .....balls  gold !!!!    aDULLt

A woman was out shopping one day with her son. The boy spotted a man who was
bowlegged. The boy pulled on Mom's hand and said, "Momma, look at the
bowlegged man!"

Mom was mortified and told her son that it was not polite to point to a
person and make that sort of comment. For punishment, the boy had to read a
play by Shakespeare. He couldn't go shopping again until he finished reading
the play.

Finally he finished and his mom took him once again to the mall. Again he
spied a bowlegged man, but remembered what happened the last time.  So he
pulled on his mother's hand and said,
"Lo, what manner of men are these, Who wear their balls in parentheses?"
__________________________________
RANEBOUX
        eternal
  ___====___====___
_________-----_________
          since 1903
 We support monkey business
             &
       BeeJum  Leakage Pads

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Date:    Fri, 22 Feb 2002 07:54:40 -1000
From:    Mickey&Karen <mhenn@GTE.NET>
Subject: Medical Advice:

*******************This just in....****************************


  Number of physicians in the US: 700,000.  Accidental deaths
  caused by physicians per year: 120,000.  Accidental deaths per
  physician....  0.171
  (U.S.  Dept.  of Health & Human Services)

  Number of gun owners in the US: 80,000,000.  Number of
  accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups) 1,500.
  Accidental deaths per gun owner: 0.0000188
  Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more
  dangerous than gun owners.

  "FACT: Not everyone has a gun, but everyone has at least
  one doctor."

  Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.  We must ban
  doctors before this gets out of hand.  As a Public Health
  Measure, I have withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear that
  the shock could cause people
  to seek medical aid.

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Date:    Thu, 21 Feb 2002 18:27:06 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Poetry: Homonyms and Heteronyms

Richard Lederer will be this year's recipient of Toastmasters
International's highest award. Here are two of my favorite examples of
his writings:

                        A Bazaar Tail

        One night a knight on a hoarse horse
                Rode out upon a road.
        This male wore mail for war and would
                Explore a wood that glowed.

        His tale I'll tell from head to tail
                I'll write his rite up right.
        A hidden site our hero found,
                A sight that I shalt cite.

        With woe he shouted, "Whoa!" as rain
                Without a break did reign.
        To brake, he pulled the rein, and like
                A shattered pane, felt pain.

        The poor knight met a witch, which made
                Sweat pour from every pore.
        He'd never seen a scene like that.
                His sore heart couldn't soar.

         Then they a game for truffles played,
                In which he mined her mind.
        To prove who was the better bettor
                And find who should be fined.

        He won one twice, he won two, too.
                To grate on her felt great.
        To wrest the rest, he went for four;
                And, at the fore, ate eight

        Due to her loss, the mourning witch,
                'Midst morning mist and dew,
        Her truffles missed. I know no way,
                Do I, to weigh her rue.

        Our knight began to reel, for real.
                The world whirled so to speak.
        All the days of the week his sole soul felt
                The dizzy daze of the weak.

        Our heir to knighthood gave it up.
                He felt the fare not fair.
        His wholly holy sword soared up
                As he threw it through the air.

        The bell has tolled, I'm told. The hour
                To end our tale draws nigh.
        Without ado, I bid adieu,
                So by your leave, bye-bye.
        (From "Word Circus" by Richard Lederer)

                        A Hymn to Heteronyms

        Please go through the entrance of this little poem.
                I guarantee it will entrance you.
        The content will certainly make you content,
                And the knowledge gained sure will enhance you.

        A boy moped around when his parents refused
                For him a new moped to buy.
        The incense he burned did incense him to go
                On a tear with a tear in his eye.

        He ragged on his parents, felt they ran him ragged
                His just deserts they never gave.
        He imagined them out on some deserts so dry,
                Where for water they'd search and they'd rave.

        At present he just won't present or converse
                On the converse of each high-flown theory
        Of circles and axes  in math class; he has
                Many axes  to grind, isn't cheery.

        He tried to play baseball, but often skied out,
                So when the snows came, he just skied.
        But he then broke a leg putting on his ski boots,
                And his putting in golf was in need.

        He once held the lead in a cross country race
                Till his legs started feeling like lead.
        And when the pain peaked, he looked kind of peaked
                His  liver felt liver, then dead.

        A number of times he felt number, all wound
                Up, like one with a wound, not a wand.
        His new TV console just couldn't console
                Or slough off a slough of despond.

        The rugged boy paced 'round his shaggy rugged room
                And he spent the whole evening till dawn
        Evening out the cross-winds of his hate.
                Now my anecdote winds on and on.

        He thought: "Does the prancing of so many does
                Explain why down dove the white dove,
        Or why pussy cat has a pussy old sore
                And bass sing in bass  notes of their love

        Do they always sing, "Do re mi" and stare, agape
                At eros, agape, each minute?
        Their love's not minute; there's an overage of love.
                Even overage fish are quite in it.

        These bass  fish have never been in short supply
                As  they supply spawn without waiting.
        With their love fluids  bubbling, abundant, secretive
                There's many a secretive mating.
        (From “Crazy English” by Richard Lederer)

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Date:    Fri, 22 Feb 2002 16:44:06 -0500
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: Olympic Late-Braking News

Late-Braking News Network

Salt Lake City, Utah (LBNN) - International Olympic Officials surprised
experienced observers today by announcing that the South Korean speed
skater, Ho Mai Dikk, who was formerly disqualified, has been awarded a
gold co-medal.  Officials also awarded down-hill gold medals to two
Russian athletes, Ivan Verkanondov and Irina Schlysnuyevenova, in an
effort to de-track a boycott by all the Russian teams, even though
Verkanondov and Schlysnuyevenova, team trainers, were not entered in the
events.

Finally, the IOC awarded a 1992 silver medal to Guianu M'Blesu of Senegal
for the luge and a 1972 bronze medal to Jean-Luc Alloneau of Fiji for solo
ice dancing.  "If we didn't just GIVE these guys a medal, they'd never
have a chance to score on the olympic scene. We're proud to promote
equality and parity among the lesser developed nations."

Tomorrow, IOC officials promise a final decision about awarding a belated
gold medal to the members of the 1964 Belgium hockey team who claimed that
an unfair high-sticking call by a French referee, Jean-Marie Le Gougne,
caused them to lose an early match and throw them out of the competition.

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Date:    Fri, 22 Feb 2002 17:37:59 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <rwoodman@ATTBI.COM>
Subject: Light Bulbs

CHANGING A LIGHT BULB THE CHRISTIAN WAY

How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?

Charismatic: Only one. Hands already in the air.

Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against
the spirit of darkness

Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Roman Catholic: None. Candles only.

Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three
committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad.

Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the
drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.

Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell
him how to do it.

Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or
against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey
you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are
invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb
for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light
bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way,
long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to
luminescence.

Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or
completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb,
or tulip bulb.Church wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring
bulb of your choice and a covered dish.

Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review
church lighting policy.

 Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.

Quakers: None: the Inner Light is enough

Amish: What's a light bulb?

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=} Randall {=-  Q. How many Borg does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
                 A: All of them.

Need a Tagline?  Visit http://www.taglinesgalore.com/

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Date:    Fri, 22 Feb 2002 19:31:26 -0800
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: At the winter games

Here are some questions that Olympic tourists have asked Visitor Information Service volunteers in Salt Lake City, according to the Deseret News: "I heard that the Great Salt Lake is so salty that you can walk on the water. Is that true?" . . . "How much of that white stuff on the mountains is snow and how much is salt?" . . . "Do you know where I can see some Mormons?" On hearing the last question, a volunteer named Rob leaned close to the tourist and said in a hushed tone, "Be careful; they're everywhere.

-- German skier Ronny Ackermann took silver in the Nordic combined event, then said the secret to his success was that he avoided sex for over a year. Ackermann, 24, told the German newspaper Bild, "One year is enough. After the Olympics, I will look for a girlfriend. Until then, the only thing I'll be caressing is my medal."

THE CASE FOR NEWSPAPERS: A footnote to the story about the Canadian writer who locked himself out of his Salt Lake City hotel room -- in the nude. "He covered himself with a newspaper," says Michael Ventre of MSNBC.com. "This is a great argument for getting your news the old-fashioned way instead of downloading it with one of those Palm organizers."

+Source: San Francisco Chronicle, Tom FitzGerald, Feb. 22, 2002+


Is your boss reading your email? ....Probably
Keep your messages private by using Lycos Mail.
Sign up today at http://mail.lycos.com

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Date:    Sat, 23 Feb 2002 00:07:09 -0500
From:    The Punk with the Stutter <thepunkwiththestutter@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: Chat-Room Shorthand  < adult >

   From LOL (Laugh out Loud) to BRB (Be Right Back), Internet chat rooms
have a shorthand all their own.  Among the most popular abbreviations:

LODLSM -- Logged On Dressed Like Sailor Moon

XIF -- Christ, I'm Fat

DYHTNTMBG? -- Did You Hear The New They Might Be Giants?

18/F/NYC -- Pockmarked 46-Year-Old In Bathrobe

IHTWBSAP -- I Have Trouble With Basic Spelling And Punctuation

JEOMK -- Just Ejaculated On My Keyboard

NTBUSWAB -- Not To Bring Up Star Wars Again, But...

TOMTB -- Taking Off My Training Bra

CILYIMBF -- Can I Lock You In My Basement Forever?

HOGMP -- Hang On, Getting More Pringles

WSTS -- Weeping Silently To Self
___   ___   ___   ___   ___
© Copyright 2002 Onion, Inc.

===============

•••  Jim Mullen's Hot Sheet  •••

What the country is talking about this week...

1)  Pairs figure skating:  Actually all the judges thought they voted for
the Canadians.  But the French judge voted for Pat Buchanan by mistake.

2)  "Friends"  The stars have agreed to return for one last season.  They
want to be movie stars but can't afford the pay cut.

3)  Cloning cats:  Couldn't they save a step and just clone shredded
upholstery instead?

4)  "The Osbournes"  An MTV show featuring the aging rocker and his
real-life family.  They wanted to call it something else but Antiques
Roadshow was already taken.

5)  Barry Manilow:  He's been inducted into the Songwriters Hall of Fame.
Who knew it had a Lite-FM wing?

6)  George Michael:  The singer's house was reportedly robbed of $140,000
worth of stuff.  What'd they steal—2 million Wham! albums?

7)  The Swimsuit Issue:  It's funny—Vogue never does a football issue.

8)  "Dragonfly"  Kevin Costner is convinced his dead wife is trying to
contact him.  It's live people who don't want to be seen with him.

9)  Paul McCartney:  A hotel is reportedly offering him $4 million to play
in Las Vegas for one night.  But he will have to sing and tame a lion at the
same time.

10)  "Queen of the Damned"  A movie version of Anne Rice's Vampire Lestat
novel.  Not a documentary of the French ice-skating judge.

11)  Joan Collins:  The 68-year-old actress married a 36-year old man.  He
only wishes she'd stop calling movies "talkies."

12)  Spring training:  Baseball players are back practicing the
basics—portfolio diversification, tax avoidance, P/E ratios, convertible
bonds...

13)  The Grammys:  Best awards show with too many categories.  By a
Paraguayan/Finnish group or duo, instrumental.

14)  "The Lord of the Rings"  The adventure fantasy got 13 Oscar
nominations.  You know those Orcs: they vote in a bloc.

15)  "How to Kill Your Neighbor's Dog"  It stars Kenneth Branagh.  But
critics are questioning whether Shakespeare really wrote it.
___   ___   ___   ___   ___   ___   ___   ___
Copyright © 2002 Entertainment Weekly and Time Inc.


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Date:    Fri, 22 Feb 2002 21:44:22 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Puns of the Weak 2/22/02 (Part 1)

                        IN THE NEWS:

 •During a White House briefing, a reporter made a remark about Mr.
Cheney having acute angina to which President Bush replied, "Even if
Vice President Cheney did have an angina, I would have no idea whether
it was a cute one or not!" (Today’s Jokes)•
 •Congratulations to the British women hairdressers for winning the gold
in curling. (Stan Kegel)•
 •Enron accounting methods as approved by Anderson Associates : You have
two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using
letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then
execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you
get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk
rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman
Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the
rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report
says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. (Tim Davis)•
 •Before the Nevada State Athletic Commission, Mike Tyson said, “I’m not
Mother Teresa, but I’m not Charles Manson either.” Whether he’s Hannibal
Lecter is another question. (Paul Steinberg)•
 •As Enron was going down, Chairman Ken Lay was desperately trying to
raise cash. In a meeting with top bankers, Lay presented a list of all
the collateral they had for a new loan.There were pipelines, contracts,
receivables, a half-built plant in India--quite a list. But the bankers
told him it wasn't enough. "Isn't there ANYTHING else you own which is
fully paid for that you can put up? And no one has seen Dick Cheney
since! (Chucklebuns)•
 •Jenna Bush has finished her freshman year in college.  In philosophy
class she  debated age-old life issues.  Does Lite beer taste great or
is it less filling? (Ray)•
 •Screaming "Foul!" over Denzel Washington's new movie that depicts a
distraught dad who takes an ER hostage after his HMO refuses his 9 year
old a heart transplant, Blue Cross/Blue Shield issued a four page press
release, three pages of which point out that the kid had a preexisting
condition which can't be covered if unconscionable profits are to
continue to pour in. (Bob Mills)•
 •When I first heard about the Olympic sport of Skeleton I thought,
"Where did they dig this sport up?" But it turns out that this was a
bone afide Olympic sport nearly a half a century ago (54 years to be
exact...that is a bit of tibia for you). I just watched Jim Shea of the
American Skeleton crew win the Cold Medal in this event by a marrow
margin...TENSE of a second! One of the commentators said that there is a
world cup circuit for Skeleton but their winnings are small compared to
other sports so they are pretty much doing this all pro bone-o. For
those of you who think that skeleton is easy you have been seriously
miSLED. It takes a lot of skull to do this spine-tingling sport. Unlike
the things that you strap on your feet and then ischeum down the hill,
you have to lay on your tummy as you sled down the run. I think I would
femur comfortable knowing that I had a soft cushion of snow to land in
and not the hard ice of the run. If you don't take the curves just right
it can coccyx some seconds on your time. I think Skeleton is going to
turn out to be a hip new sport. They probably won't get as much ribbing
as the lugers do. I hope you found this piece humerus. Osteo la vista!
( Tiff Wimberly/ Intl Save the Pun Fnd)•

                        PUNY RIDDLE CHAIN:

 •Why shouldn't you visit a doctor if you have had a stuffy nose for
half a fortnight?
         Its only a wee cold (Stan Kegel)•
 •A dock, that is a favorite among locals, is ripped apart by storms
during the hurricane season but the locals faithfully rebuild it each
year in time for warmer weather because this particular spot is a great
gateway to fishing spots. What have the locals nicknamed this dock?
        Pier-ennial  (Tiff Wimberly) •
 •When Uncle Pasta married Auntie Pasta, how did people refer to them?
        Noodly-wed (Gary Hallock)•
 •A hard working writer named Cynthia suffered burn out and terminal
writer's block. She would sit for hours and hours staring blankly at the
wall muttering incoherently. Soon the men in white coats from the State
Mental Hospital arrived to haul her off to the funny farm. What old song
did they sing while wheeling her out on a gurney?
        Gonna take a Cyn to mental gurney (Ken Pinkham)•
 •What do you call a reptile hired to look into mutual fund and stock
market fraud.
        An invest-a-gator (By Stan Kegel)•
 •When transporting them overseas, where is a Frenchman likely to carry
his snails?
        In escargo ship (By Gary Hallock)•
 •What part of the body describes what I do in a library?
         Eyebrows (Stan Kegel)•
 •How did Mrs. Butterworth manage to perfect her famous recipe in
secret?
        Syrup dishes-ly (Gary Hallock) •
 •What science fiction novel is about determining the effects of gravity
by experimenting on a courageous wildebeest in a centrifuge.
        Brave Gnu Whirrled. (Stan Kegel)•

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Date:    Sat, 23 Feb 2002 00:24:46 -0800
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Man talk

MAN TALK

Finally, some straight talk for girls from straight guys...

Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
down.

When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really, it is.

Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not
work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. We are guys,
so just say it!

No... we do not know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries
on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

Most guys own three pairs of shoes...tops. What makes you think that
we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good
with your dress?

Remember, we are straight. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers
to almost any question.  Come to us with a problem only if you want help
solving it. That's what we do.  Sympathy is what your girlfriends are
for.

Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

Check your oil. Please.

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact,
all comments become null and void after 7 days.

If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to
act like soap opera guys.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway. It's genetic.

Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done...
not both. If you already know best how to do it... just do it yourself.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.

Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and ...neither do we.

Men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for
example, is a fruit... not a color. We have no idea what mauve is.

If it itches... IT WILL BE SCRATCHED. We do that.


If you ask a question you don't want an answer to... expect an answer
you do not want to hear. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless
you are prepared to discuss such topics as:
navel lint, the shotgun formation and fishing.

Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

Shopping is not a sport, and no... we are never going to think of it
that way.

We are not mind-readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading
ability is not proof of how little we care about you. If we ask what is
wrong and you say "nothing"..., we will act like nothing's wrong.  We
know you are lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.

What the heck is a doily?

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