Digest for Wednesday, February 20, 2002

There are 12 messages totalling 748 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. U.S. Promises To Consult Allies Before Doing What It Was Going To Do Anyway
  2. Puns of the Weak: 02/15/02 (Part 5)
  3. What Hallmark doesnt print
  4. Jewish moms
  5. Truly bad puns!!!
  6. Save Me Some Of That Tinfoil, Please....
  7. Valentine Candy Heart Messages for Wall Street
  8. The Story Of The Nickel And The Dime
  9. Doctor In The House
  10. Axes of Evils
  11. Word power
  12. Life During Awards Time {{ adult language }}


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Date:    Wed, 20 Feb 2002 02:05:27 -0500
From:    Rollo Tomasi <rollotomasi718@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: U.S. Promises To Consult Allies Before Doing What It Was Going To Do Anyway

        Pledges Not to Move Alone
        Unless No One Agrees With It

Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — Bowing to international pressure not to
act unilaterally, the United States reversed course today and promised to
consult with its allies before doing whatever the hell it was going to do
anyway.

"Prior to taking action against any enemy nation, such as Iraq, we will
confer with our allies, as well as other countries in that region," pledged
U.S. President George W. Bush.  "We will sit down with them.  We will begin
by explaining what our position is, and then we will...

"...no, wait.  That's everything."

The announcement seemingly failed to address unease among world leaders that
without their consent, U.S. action against Iraq will lead them all into a
wider conflict.  Bush, however, said his administration was well aware of
international concerns, and would handle them internally.

Except for effect, the administration said its new stance overturns earlier,
much-maligned statements insisting America would act unilaterally, if
necessary, to oust enemy regimes.  But the President said he recently was
shown a new perspective by Secretary of State Colin Powell, who is generally
regarded as a check on the administration's hawks.

"Colin Powell told me that acting alone was not in our long-term interests
because, as he put it, 'No man is an island,'" Bush recalled.  "Of course, I
pointed out that America is a nation, not a man, and that lots of nations
are islands, so his argument was pretty lame.  But do like to say 'Colin
Powell' whenever I talk about foreign affairs because it makes me look
diplomatic."

European Union external affairs chief Chris Patten, however, was not
appeased.  "What's the point of even talking to your allies if your mind is
already made up?" he asked.  "It's little more than feel-good lip service."

Replied Bush: "Colin Powell."

German Foreign Minister Joschka Fischer, meanwhile, was one of several
voices calling for restraint.  "We are all concerned that Saddam Hussein is
developing weapons of mass destruction, but the international coalition
against terror has no carte blanche for an invasion of any country," Fischer
insisted.

In response, Bush said "Colin Powell," and added that his staff has a
solution.

"We've created a one-page form that allows us to declare war on Iraq for
you," he explained.  "It really streamlines the consensus process for
everyone."

"That is not consensus!"  Fischer railed.  "That is worse!"

Answered Bush: "Oh, in that case, just Colin Powell."
__________
Copyright © 2002, SatireWire.


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Date:    Wed, 20 Feb 2002 02:48:03 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Puns of the Weak: 02/15/02 (Part 5)

                        COMICS

 •“How are things going with your new girlfriend?” “She has even more
hang-ups than I do. But then again, she’s a telemarketer.” (Shoe:
Cassatt & Brookins)•

                        FOR ADULTS ONLY:

 •What's the difference between a case of liquor and a female hockey
team? A case of liquor is a crating of scotch.  (Richard Lederer) •
 •Passionate kiss like spider's web - soon lead to undoing of fly. (Furhman)•
 • Little Miss Muffett sat on a tuffet
        Eating a Kurd all day.
 Along came a spider, who sat down beside her,
        And with her he had his whey (Richard Lederer)..•
 •Hear the slogan for the Stealth Condom? "They'll never see you
coming.". (Mike Spence) •
 •Speaking of oral sex, many an Arab has gone out into the desert to eat
dates and then to throw in some nuts. (Richard Lederer)•
 •What’s the difference between a used tire and 365 used condoms?  One
is a Goodyear, and the other is a great year!  (Richard Lederer) •
 •Is good to learn how to masturbate, may come in handy.  (Fuhrman)•
 •Did you hear about the lesbian with a drinking problem? It seems she
couldn't hole her licker. (Gary Hallock)•
 •There are a number of  mechanical devices that increase sexual
arousal, particularly in women. Chief  amongst these is the
Mercedes-Benz 380L convertible. (P. J. O'Rourke)•
 •SHE: "Arent the stars lovely tonight?" HE: "Are they? I'm in no
position to say." (Richard Lederer)•
 •I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once and the seat folded up. (Terra)•
 •Men are like  Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are. (Hershy)•
 •The petite young blonde was being interviewed for a rather high-level
executive position in the advertising agency. Finally, the interviewer
concluded with, "I like your style Miss Benson. I think you'll do just
fine. All we ask is that you put out." "Errr, uhh, err, sir." she said,
somewhat taken aback. "Are you referring to work or sex?" "Well, 'lil
lady," he replied, "around here, if you don't do one, you had better be
doing the other." (Michael Rogers) •
 •What's the difference between a rooster and a lawyer? A rooster clucks
defiance.  (Richard Lederer)•
 • "It's my code," says a mailman named Drew,
 "To unzip, then deliver a screw.
        If virgins, when nervous,
        Resist postal service,
I explain that the male must get through." (Ms. Kitty)•
 •Man who pulls on woman's bra-strap may get bust in mouth.(Furhman)•
 •The Hoover Vacuum Cleaner Company is producing a new model. It's
called the "J. Edgar." It sucks really good but you can't get it out of
the closet. (Gary Hallock)•
 •When it comes to women, the double-breasted look will always be in.
(Richard Lederer)•
 •You heard about the moyel's liability insurance? A million dollars
coverage, with a one inch deductible. (Whimsical Wits)•
 •Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. (Lorraine A. Belis)•
 •What's the difference between a magician and the Rockettes chorus
line? A magician has a cunning array of stunts.  (Richard Lederer) •
 •“I just found out why cunnilingus is called "eating out" while
fellatio is a "blow job." “Why?” “The terms were invented by a woman. “
“Yeah? So?” “Well the first one sound enjoyable and the other sounds
like work!” (Ray Owens)•
 •What do you call a virgin on a waterbed? A cherry float! (Today's Jokes)•
 •"Can I have a dozen condoms, miss?"  "Don't miss me, mister!"  "Well
then, you better make it thirteen," (Richard Lederer)•
 •Every single time I tell my husband I'm going to the Hancock Fabric
Store, he laughs and says, "You mean, Hand-to-Cock's?"  After hearing
that again this morning, I rolled my eyes and said, "Joe, you could use
some new material." (Karen Hamilton)•
 •"So, Suzy, how's your sex life these days?" "Oh, you know. It's the
usual, Social Security kind." "Social Security?"  "Yeah, you get a
little each month, but it's not enough to live on." (Joke A Day)•
 •What's the difference between a racing vehicle and a porn-film actor?
A racing vehicle is a stock car   (Richard Lederer)•
 •Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.  (Fuhrman) •
 •If Eve wore a fig leaf, what did Adam wear? A hole in it.. (Mike
Spence) •
 •Title of a new movie about sex videos distributed at no charge: "Porn
Free." (Richard Lederer)•
 •What did the Indian say when the cowboy tied his penis in a knot? "How
come?" (Whimsical Wit)•
 •They even made a movie about my wife’s sex life -- "The Night of the
Living Dead" (Gag-O-Matic)•

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Date:    Wed, 20 Feb 2002 05:32:05 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <rwoodman@ATTBI.COM>
Subject: What Hallmark doesn't print

This is a multi-part message in MIME format.
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From Griff

1. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side, it's really good pay.

2. My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat.  When I
looked at the tire .. . . I noticed your cat.  Sorry!

3. You had your bladder removed and you're on the mends.
Here's a bouquet of flowers . . . and a box of Depends.

4. Heard your wife left you, how upset you must be.  But
don't fret about it . . . She moved in with me.

5. Looking back over the years that we've been together, I
can't help but wonder . . . What the hell was I thinking?


 6. Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.

7. How could two people as beautiful as you
. . . Have such an ugly baby?

8. I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to
love.  After having met you . . . I've changed my mind.

9. I must admit, you brought Religion into my life
. . . I never believed in Hell till I met you.

10. As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am
. . . that you're not here to ruin it for me.

11. Congratulations on your promotion.  Before you go
. . . would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.

12. Someday I hope to get married . . . but not to you.

13. Happy birthday!  You look great for your age
. . . Almost Lifelike!

14. When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.

15. I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend.
So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys.

16. We have been friends for a very long time
. . . what say we stop?

17. I'm so miserable without you
. . . it's almost like you're here.

18. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?

19. You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship
and there was only one life jacket . . . I'd miss you terribly and think of
you often.

20. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Alabama,
Tennessee, Kentucky, Arkansas and Mississippi.)

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=} Randall {=-  If Men Ruled The World Hallmark would make
                         "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

Need a Tagline?  Visit http://www.taglinesgalore.com/


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Date:    Wed, 20 Feb 2002 05:35:51 -0800
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Jewish moms

  The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like
  Chinese food so much.  The study revealed that this is due to the fact
  that WonTon spelled backwards is Not Now.

  There's a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins.  In
  Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until after it
  graduates from medical school.

  Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink:
  A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

  Have you seen the newest Jewish-American Princess horror movie? --
  It's called "Debbie Does Dishes."

  Q: Why do Jewish Mothers make great parole officers?
  A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.

  Q: What's a Jewish American Princess' favorite position?
  A: Facing Bloomingdale's

  When the doctor called Mrs. Liebenbaum to tell her that her check came
  back,  she replied, "So did my arthritis."

  A man calls his mother in Florida.  "Mom, how are you?"
  Not too good," says the mother. "I've been very weak."
  The son says, "Why are you so weak?"
  She says, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
  The man says, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
  The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth
  to be filled with food if you should call."

  A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given
a
  part in the school play.
  Wonderful. What part is it?"
  The boy says," I play the part of the Jewish husband."
  The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a
  speaking part."

  Q - How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
  A - (Sigh!) Don't bother, I'll just sit here in the dark; I don't want to

  be a nuisance to anybody.

  Short summary of every Jewish Holiday:
  They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.

  Did you hear about the bum who walked up to the Jewish mother on the
  street and said, 'Lady, I haven't eaten in three days.'
  Force yourself," she replied.

  Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish Mother?
  A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

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Date:    Wed, 20 Feb 2002 06:37:47 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Truly bad puns!!!

A good pun is its own reword.

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me
the axe.

If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes
from morons?

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumour.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in colour, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

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Date:    Wed, 20 Feb 2002 07:18:59 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <PBenoit@COOKSONELECTRONICS.COM>
Subject: Save Me Some Of That Tinfoil, Please....

I NEED A SECOND CHANCE
      submitted by The Old Perfesser
      special to The Valdoster Daily Snooze


If you are a time traveler or alien disguised as a human and/or have
the technology to travel physically through time... I need your help!

My life has been severely tampered with and cursed!!
I have suffered tremendously and am now too old to do anything about it!

I need to be able to:
   - Travel back in time.
   - Rewind my life - including my age - back to about 4.
   - Be able to remember what I know now so that I can prevent
     my life from being tampered with again after I go back.

I am in very great danger and need this immediately!

I am aware that there are many types of time travel, and that humans
do not do well through certain types.

I need as close to temporal reversion as possible, as safely as possible.
To be able to rewind the hands of time in such a way that the universe of
now will cease to exist.

I know that there are some very powerful people out there with alien or
government equipment capable of doing just that.

If you can help me, I will pay for your teleport or trip down here, along
with hotel stay, food and all expenses. I will pay top dollar for the
equipment. Proof must be provided.

Also if you are one of the very few beings with the ability to edit the
universe, PLEASE REPLY!!!


Only if you have this technology and can help me, please send me a
(separate) email to:
           TheOldPerfesser@BeamMeUp.com


PLEASE DO NOT REPLY IF YOU'RE AN EVIL ALIEN!!  ANAL PROBES UNACCEPTABLE!!


Thanks,
  The Old Perfesser


*******************
The old perfesser made his very own special
Valentine's Card last week for MrsPerfesser:
   "My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in."



______________________________________________________
This message (including any attachments) contains confidential information
intended for a specific individual and purpose, and is protected by law.  -
If you are not the intended recipient, you should delete this message and
are hereby notified that any disclosure, copying, or distribution of this
message, or the taking of any action based on it, is strictly prohibited.
_____________________________________________________

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Date:    Wed, 20 Feb 2002 08:00:49 EST
From:    Aramco@AOL.COM
Subject: Valentine Candy Heart Messages for Wall Street

From www.Fool.com

Top Valentine Candy Heart Messages for Wall Street

1. I'm long you.
2. Let's do a reverse split.
3. Let me be your full-service broker.
4. I'm into after-hours trading.
5. I want to cover your shorts.
6. You're Microsoft.
7. Let's play FTSE (a.k.a. Footsie).
8. I'm into bond-age, and stocks.
9. Let's show each other our Intimate Brands.
10. Kiss Intel. (Get it? Kiss and tell, kiss Intel, kiss and Intel... aw
forget it.)
11. High liquidity, high volume.
12. I crave active management.
13. Fannie Mae, but I won't.
14. Don't worry, I've fixed my income.
15. I've got a gross domestic product.
16. I've had problems with inflation.
17. Is this forever, or just a one-time charge?
18. I'm too tired for a secondary offering.
19. Warning: I have high turnover.
20. You speed up my ticker.
21. VISX Southwest USAirways (EYE LUV U).
22. I like walks on the beach and ARM Holdings (Nasdaq: ARMHY).
23. I'd like to caress your Mellon (NYSE: MEL).
24. Sorry, I'm not into pork bellies.
25. I prefer to do it on the pink sheets.

from www.Fool.com

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Date:    Wed, 20 Feb 2002 10:34:02 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: The Story Of The Nickel And The Dime

There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at Tim Alley's
Grocery Store.  The owner Tim doesn't know what Junior's problem
is, but the boys like to tease him.  They say he is two bricks
shy of a load, or two pickles shy of a barrel.

To prove it, sometimes they offer Junior his choice between a
nickel and a dime.  He always takes the nickel, they say, because
it's bigger.

One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, Tim got him off to one
side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They
think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are
you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"

Junior said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it!"



http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Wed, 20 Feb 2002 08:04:44 -1000
From:    Mickey&Karen <mhenn@GTE.NET>
Subject: Doctor In The House

  A strained voice called out through the darkened theater,
 "Please, is there a doctor in the house?!"

 Several men stood up as the lights came on.

 An older lady pulled her daughter to stand next to her,
 "Good, are any of you doctors single and interested in
 a date with a good girl?"

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Date:    Wed, 20 Feb 2002 13:54:15 -0600
From:    Rowe, Thomas <trowe@UWSP.EDU>
Subject: Axes of Evils <humor>

Evil Upheaval

By Andrew Marlatt
Sunday, February 10, 2002; Page B05

Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil," Libya, China and Syria today announced they had formed the Axis of Just as Evil, which they said would be "way eviler" than the Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address.

Axis of Evil members immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name.

"Right. They are Just as Evil . . . in their dreams!" declared North Korean President Kim Jong Il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils ....I mean the best at being evil....We're the best."

Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil. "They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar Assad.

"An Axis can't have more than three countries," explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy and Japan in the evil Axis. So you can only have three. And a secret handshake. Ours is wicked cool."

International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered.

Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what has become a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan and Serbia said they had formed the Axis of Somewhat Evil, forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the Axis of Occasionally Evil, while
Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the Axis of Not So Much Evil, Really, As Just Generally Disagreeable.

With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador and Rwanda applied to be called the Axis of Countries That Aren't Necessarily the Worst But Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics Anytime Soon; Suriname, Guyana and French Guiana formed the Axis of Countries That Hate That People Always Assume They're in Africa Because They're Not; while Canada, Mexico and Australia established the Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About America.

"We have a waiting list as long as my arm," said Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien.

While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes, although he rejected the establishment of the Axis of Countries Whose Names End in "Guay," accusing one of its members of filing a false application.
Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay and Chadguay denied the charges.

Israeli officials, meanwhile, insisted they didn't want to join any axis, but privately, some world leaders said that's only because they haven't been asked.

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Date:    Wed, 20 Feb 2002 18:23:20 -0800
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Word power

+Got this from my friend Ana E. Muss+

 Having just finished reading a story to my fourth grade class, I decided to check the students' knowledge of some of the vocabulary that had been used.  "Who knows what the word "adolescent" means?" I asked.
   Out of the entire class of 35, not one child raised a hand.  After a few more silent moments, I decided to give them a hint: "Adolescent: it's something all of you are, and I am not."
   Finally one little boy tentatively raised his hand, and in a very soft voice said, "Virgins?"



Is your boss reading your email? ....Probably
Keep your messages private by using Lycos Mail.
Sign up today at http://mail.lycos.com

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Date:    Thu, 21 Feb 2002 00:17:06 -0500
From:    The Punk with the Stutter <thepunkwiththestutter@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: Life During Awards Time  {{ adult language }}

Where were you when you heard the 2002 Oscar nominations?

•  "I was on my way to school when I heard: Tom Wilkinson got nominated!  I
called my friend Tatiana on my cell right away.  She freaked out when I told
her.  We both love Tom, he is so d-lish!!  Did you see him in 'Oscar and
Lucinda'?"  [Waves hand in front of face in attempt to lower body
temperature.]

•  "I am so glad that 'Gosford Park' was nominated.  Peter Bogdanavich is
such an underrated filmmaker."

•  "Well, I think it was a wake-up call.  We never thought the chickens
would come home to roost.  So listen, I'm not racist or anything, but they
got their Black History Month, Kwanzaa cards in the CVS, all of UPN.  And
now they've taken over the Oscars?  What's next?"

•  "I was sipping my morning coffee and watching Real Genius on HBO when my
sister called.  'Oh my God, did you hear?'  'What?'  'Jesus Christ, turn on
CNN!'  After taking a moment to process what Paula Zahn was talking about, I
understood.  'How does a film get nominated for best picture but the
director get snubbed?  Are they just making it up to Ron Howard for
overlooking "Apollo 13"?  Baz will get his due in, what, another six fucking
years?'"

•  "First I heard Ethan Hawke was up for an acting award, and I thought it
was just a freak accident.  But then Sean Penn was nominated for 'I Am Sam,'
and I was like, 'Oh my God, somebody's really trying to hurt us.'"

•  "Everybody in the break room was glued to the TV when they announced that
Marisa Tomei had been nominated for 'In the Bedroom.'  One guy snorted and
said, 'Maybe now she can win an Oscar for real.'  No one laughed.  That shit
just isn't funny."

•  "I was on my way to work when I ran across my friend in the street.  He
was listening to a very fancy radio I'd never seen before.  He started to
cry, and I said, 'What happened?'  He said, '"Black Hawk Down" got four
nominations.  That movie is full of stereotypes!'  After he calmed down, I
asked him where he got the radio, and he said, 'My brother Njuguno took it
from a helicopter that crashed near the Olympic Hotel.'"

•  "It was an eerie coincidence.  The nominations were announced on the same
morning my whole division got laid off with no pension benefits.  Everyone
was leaving the building, panicking and crying and barely able to hold
themselves together.  But there were these brave men who were going right
back in.  I think they were from the SEC or something."

•  "Obviously, I was devastated like everyone.  I don't think I've smiled
since.  But, and I know this is a little cornball, when I watch the news I
feel reassured by the dignity and authority of Steve Kmetko and Jules
Asner."

•  "Clearly what we are looking at is a 'wag the dog' scenario.  There is
just too much to gain.  You need to ask yourself: What is the Academy hiding
by keeping 'Crocodile Dundee in L.A.' out of the running?"

•  "I could have just printed out the nominees list from Oscar.com, but I
wrote them all down on a piece of paper by hand so I'll never forget, so
we'll never forget."

•  "'Gosford Park' is the best film to be nominated this year.  The lesbian
love scene was amazing.  And the mysterious cowboy character?  That's
classic Lynch."
__  __  __  __  __  __  __  __
by Paul Bacon, Diane Bullock and Nick Nadel
Copyright 2002 Modern Humorist, Inc.


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