Digest for Tuesday, February 19, 2002

There are 9 messages totalling 482 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Man Briefly Believes That The Canadians Got Robbed, Before Remembering Hes Straight --
  2. Things You Should Know.....
  3. The creation of woman
  4. How To Treat A Penis
  5. February 19th, Kelloggs Birthday
  6. perfume
  7. More Women Talk
  8. Parenting
  9. This Weeks News In Brief


Date:    Tue, 19 Feb 2002 02:05:58 -0500
From:    Rollo Tomasi <rollotomasi718@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: Man Briefly Believes That The Canadians Got Robbed, Before Remembering He's Straight -<adult language>-

LOS ANGELES - When electrician Deke Henley went to his local bar, "Sonny
McLean's," to watch the Olympics on Monday night with his friend Joe, he
figured he would watch a little downhill skiing or some hockey, have a beer,
then go to bed.

Instead, his friend was late, and Henley found himself engrossed in the
Pairs Figure Skating competition, entranced by the near-perfect performance
of Canadians Jamie Sale and David Pelletier.  But when the judges' scores
came in the victory went to the Russian team of Elena Berezhnaya and Anton
Sikharulidze.  Henley was outraged.

It was at this point that Henley stood up and yelled at the TV, "They were
robbed!  The Goddam Canadians were robbed!  You can't tell me the judges
didn't see that Commie bastard [Sikharulidze] step out of his double axel!"

Unfortunately, it was also right at this moment that the music stopped.

Henley's face reddened as absolute silence descended upon the bar, and he
realized what he had just said.

According to observers, the bartender immediately informed Henley that,
while he was welcome to stay and enjoy himself, "this is not a gay bar,
Deke."  The burly, bearded barkeep recommended that if Henley wanted to go
"trolling," then West Hollywood was the place to go.

"It was so embarrassing," said Henley.  "I tried to explain that I am not a
homosexual, but nobody would let it go.  Once I said 'axel,' I was fucked."

Henley's fellow regulars quickly made a beeline to his seat at the bar,
peppering him with inane questions such as "what is your dress size,
fancyboy?" and re-purposed queer jokes like "What is the difference between
a refrigerator and Deke Henley?  A refrigerator doesn't fart when you take
your meat out!  Ha ha ha ha ha ha!"

Henley tried to counter the non-stop barrage of insults by stating that
"Dude, I was just looking at the chick.  She's really hot," but to no avail.
And the arrival of Henley's friend Joe Tripodi served only to fuel another
bar-wide bout of overly-exaggerated eye-rolling.

"I was, like, 'what the fuck is up?' when I came in," stated Tripodi.  "But
then somebody told me that Deke had just complained about a judge's decision
in figure skating, and I understood it all.  I just want to state for the
record that I am very supportive of Deke's decision to come out of the

Tripodi then smirked uncontrollably before saying, "America!  Listen up!
Deke Henley is here.  He's Queer!  So we'd better get used to the idea!"

Still others weren't as forgiving.

"I don't mind that Henley is gay," stated one anonymous patron.  "I have a
lot of gay friends.  But what the hell was he doing rooting for Canada?  If
there's one thing I can't stand, it's a turd-burgling Chinook-lover."

"I don't know what came over me," stated a mortified Henley.  "I guess it's
just that Sale and Pelletier skated soooo cleanly, displaying the kind of
passion and artistry that I'll remember all my life.  I just hope this
judging scandal doesn't taint the ice-dancing competiti----Fuck!  I'm doing
it again!"
© 2002 National Lampoon

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Date:    Tue, 19 Feb 2002 07:22:49 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Things You Should Know.....

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
produced to equal the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to
squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)
****************************************************** A

Pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to
death. (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Do not try
this at home...... maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its
body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey,
I'm home. What the....?!?")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the
length of a football field. (30 minutes..... can you imagine???)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the
bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next
life - quality over quantity.)

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm.....)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed
people do. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animal that cannot jump. (OK, so that would be a
good thing.....)

A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure
that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)

Star fish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What
about that pig???)

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Date:    Tue, 19 Feb 2002 07:00:12 -0800
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: The creation of woman

First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then He said to himself, "There's something he's needing".

After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.

Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.

Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.

Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.

Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.

Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.

'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.
Then He added a mouth, and ruined the whole thing.

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Date:    Tue, 19 Feb 2002 09:07:20 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: How To Treat A Penis <adult>

1.) You've gotta "introduce" yourself to Willy Wonderful, i.e.,
"Hi ! I'm Shirley ! Nice to meet ya, big guy !". Don't dive on it
likes it's a raw piece of meat and you're a starving pitbull! Be
gentle. Stroke him nice and easy. Make friends first.

2.) When (Not "IF")giving oral sex, don't suck so hard that you
make an industrial vacuum cleaner appear as a dust buster and
suck the man's eyeballs out of his sockets. Mr. Penis is a
sensitive "guy" ya know. Be gentle. Contrary to your practicing
techniques in high school, the one who "Melts" the popsicle first
is not the winner.

3.) When sitting on top of a man, don't move too far forward or
back.  Up and down is fine. What you're gonna do if you do move
too far forward and back is rip Mr. Penis right off Mr. Man's
crotch. Mr. Penis isn't made for that action. And, VERY Important,
when going up and down, if you should go up a little too high and
Mr. Penis pops out, you are not a basketball net, and Willy
Wonderful is not a golf ball...your aim is not that good, and your
100 + Lbs, and this little Newton thingy called gravity will
seriously injure Mr. Penis

4.) Hand jobs - When stroking a guy's dick don't grab it like a
bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a cow. Don't
use the love sword as if it's a piece of gym equipment to
strengthen the forearms, and remember ...when friction is the
problem...lubrication is the cure.

5.) Proper care of the love Tool - like any good tool you wanna
keep around for a while you've gotta take good care of it just as
you do your dildo or your car. Wash him off after and dry him
gently. Oil him frequently, and have him park in the garage as
often as you can. Never bend, fold spindle or mutilate. You'll
get years of use out of him that way.

6.) If Mr. Penis appears uninterested, he's just being coy or
stupid. That's where you have to use step #1 again. If no
response, then you sure gave him a good workout the first time.
Good for you!

7.) Never, ever play "crush the grapes" with Mr. Penis's two
friends, Mr.Balls. Nothing can make Mr. Penis shrink faster. Not
even ice or a nude Pic of Janet Reno and the Queen Mother playing
chess at the Naturalist beach last July.

8.) If you're a golfer, never use Mr. Penis as a tee.

9.) If Mr. Penis can't "throw up" then his owner worked too hard
on pleasing you. Be thankful. If Mr. Penis spits too soon, be
proud that you had that effect on him...not everyone can have that
effect on him.

10.) If you don't want Mr. Penis so deep, don't say, "Shit ! Not
that deep!  What are you doing . . . drilling for oil??" Say, "Wow
you're much bigger than I thought. Could you take it a little
easier on me?" And never never say "Is it in?".

11.) When you are done, always thank Mr. Penis. Mr. Penis has
feelings, and Mr. Ego has bigger feelings. Without both of them
being stroked, Mr. Ego may make Mr. Penis look for appreciation
in Mr. Neighbors wife.


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Date:    Tue, 19 Feb 2002 08:02:48 -0800
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: February 19th, Kellogg's Birthday <Adult>

In 1906, the Battle Creek Toasted Corn Flake Company (forerunner of
Kellogg's Foods) was incorporated by W.K. Kellogg and Charles Bolin. January
1999, the company was overtaken as America's top breakfast food company by
arch rival General Mills.

Amazing new study shows that your favorite Lucky Charms marshmallow bit
shape determines what you're like in bed! Yes, it's true--just take this
simple test to determine your true bedroom personality:

If your favorite Lucky Charms marshmallow shape is the green clover, you're
a happy-go-lucky type in bed. You don't take anything too seriously in the
bedroom or elsewhere and always manage to have a good time, even if you have
someone else with you. You don't have any patience with depressed people and
tend to sit on them until they cheer up.

If your favorite marshmallow shape is the blue diamond, your thoughts in bed
are mostly about what you'll get later. "If he really enjoys this, will he
buy me that mink coat?" is probably what's going through your mind. People
who like blue diamonds have a notebook of preprinted fill-in-the-blank
palimony suit forms and are the people most likely to file their nails while
making love.

If your favorite shape is the orange star, you expect to be the center of
attention in bed. You expect your partner to spend most of his time pleasing
you and when you do something for him, you expect enthusiastic moaning if
not applause. People who like orange stars often have mirrors over their
beds, not because they are turned on by watching what is being done, but
because they want to be able to watch themselves having a good time. They
often moan out their own names while making love.

If you like pink hearts, you're the romantic type. You like your partner to
whisper romantic phrases into your ear and, if he's too distracted to form
coherent phrases, you'll settle for romantic syllables. People who like pink
hearts read most of the romance novels published and are turned on by people
wearing armor.

If purple horseshoes are your thing, your tastes are modern, uninhibited,
and somewhat warped. You like variety in the bedroom, especially when you
can include handcuffs, chains, swing sets, and chocolate pudding. Be careful
when going out on a picnic with anyone who likes purple horseshoes--she's
likely to pin you down with croquet hoops when you're not looking and who
knows what could happen next?

If you're the yellow moon type, you're more interested in satisfying your
partner's needs than your own. You prefer to lie back and wait for your
partner to jump on you and express her needs verbally or nonverbally. People
who like yellow moons usually own several pairs of handcuffs and other
instruments of kinky sex just in case someone should ever want to tie them
up and ravish them. Keep your eyes open for anyone who eats all the purple
horseshoes out of her cereal as soon as she opens the box.

If you prefer the little oat bits, you probably don't like sex anyway and
don't need to read this article. People who prefer the oat bits usually
become accountants, librarians who work at the reference desk, or government
employees; these people like to chow down on a big bowl brimming with oat
bits before a tough day of protesting suggestive lyrics in rock music.
People who like oat bits have more time to spend writing letters to the
editor than any other type.

Cereal Character Guide:

Sandy (AKA MsSam)

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Date:    Tue, 19 Feb 2002 08:12:27 -1000
From:    Mickey&Karen <mhenn@GTE.NET>
Subject: perfume<adult>

Two blonde girls walk into a department store. They walk up to the
counter and pick up a sample bottle.

Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it, "That's quite nice,
don't you
think, Tracy?"

"Yeah. What's it called, Sharon?"

"Viens a moi."

"Viens a moi? What does that mean?"

At this stage the assistant offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is
French for 'come to me'."

Sharon takes anther sniff and offers her arm to Tracy again
saying, "That
doesn't smell like come to me. Does that smell like come to you?"

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Date:    Tue, 19 Feb 2002 15:42:45 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Poduri <cpoduri@NIC-CONQUEST.COM>
Subject: More Women Talk <cleanish>

Mother (to daughter): "I don't like the guy you are going out with. He is
too dumb".

Daughter: "No, Momma, he is going to be a doctor! And he has already cured
me of that illness that I used to have every month!"

And His
Signature! :-)

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Date:    Tue, 19 Feb 2002 18:23:51 -0800
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Parenting

Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath and hope we've set aside enough money for our kids' therapy.  --Michelle Pfeiffer

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Date:    Wed, 20 Feb 2002 00:08:37 -0500
From:    The Punk with the Stutter <thepunkwiththestutter@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: This Week's News In Brief

New Bin Laden Tape Contains Three Previously Unreleased Monologues

ATLANTA— A new Osama bin Laden videotape acquired by CNN from Al-Jazeera
features three previously unreleased anti-U.S. rants and harangues by the
terrorist leader, excited network sources said Monday.  "One piece goes on
for 45 minutes and is entirely about the need to bring down the Great
Satan," CNN spokesman Gil Eckert said.  "In another, shorter piece, he's
sitting in a dank cave, cryptically telling some guy off camera about the
'great victory' Allah will enjoy in the very near future."  The eagerly
anticipated tape, the first new material from bin Laden in more than two
months, hits video stores Tuesday.

Dog Keeps Iceland Awake All Night

REYKJAVIK, ICELAND— The nation of Iceland was tired and cranky Monday after
being kept up all night by a howling dog.  "People were complaining as far
away as Seyhisfjórdhur," said President Ólafur Grimsson, brewing an extra
pot of coffee.  "The sound carries a long way up here."  Grimsson said none
of Iceland's 280,000 citizens were close enough to the dog—believed to have
been stranded on an ice floe near Vestmannaeyjar—to throw a shoe at it.

Guy Who Just Wiped Out Immediately Claims He's Fine

SOUTH BURLINGTON, VT— A fraction of a second after wiping out on a patch of
ice, South Burlington pedestrian Isaac Berkman loudly insisted that he was
fine.  "I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine," Berkman, 24, told concerned onlookers
before he even straightened his badly twisted legs and attempted to stand
up.  "I'm okay."  After noticing a deep gash just below his left knee,
Berkman instantly assured witnesses that the heavily bleeding wound was "no
biggie" and "totally under control."

Conrad Bain Steps Down As National Kitsch-Reference Laureate

WASHINGTON, DC— Actor Conrad Bain, known to millions as Philip Drummond on
the hit '70s sitcom Diff'rent Strokes, stepped down Monday from the post of
National Kitsch-Reference Laureate.  "I am extremely proud to have served my
country for the past 11 years in my humorous-referential capacity," Bain
said.  "Almost as proud as I was of Willis and Arnold that time they went on
the hunger strike to save the ancient Indian burial ground that my
construction company was going to tear up for a new building."  Bain added
that he is fully confident that his successor, Ron "Horshack" Palillo, "will
serve the nation with distinction and honor."

Man's Dream To Get Drunk In An A-Frame Finally Realized

GLENWOOD SPRINGS, CO— Pete Strausbaugh, 33, a Denver-area electrician,
realized a longtime dream Saturday when he got drunk in an A-frame house.
"Man, that was even better than I thought it would be," said Strausbaugh,
finishing off a ninth Coors Light in the living room of his A-frame at
Sunlight Mountain ski resort.  "It's not quite up there with being drunk in
a treehouse, but still."  Strausbaugh later announced that his new ambition
is to get baked at Niagara Falls.
___   ___   ___   ___   ___
© Copyright 2002 Onion, Inc.

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