Digest for Sunday, February 17, 2002

There are 7 messages totalling 554 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. French Judge Gives Taliban Win
  2. Puns of the Weak: 02/15/02 (Part 2)
  3. February 17th - Future Farmers Day.
  4. The Perfect Day.....
  5. Its witchcraft
  6. Telephone News Release
  7. =?Windows-1252?Q?Buy-Outs_Are_a_Girl=92s_Best_Friend=3F__=3Clanguage=3E?=


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Date:    Sun, 17 Feb 2002 02:04:29 -0500
From:    Rollo Tomasi <rollotomasi718@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: French Judge Gives Taliban Win

        Afghan Fighters' Artistic Impression
        Marks Mysteriously Higher

Salt Lake City, Utah (SatireWire.com) — Despite making what most observers
agreed were "obvious technical errors," such as surrendering, the Taliban
were awarded victory in the Afghanistan war last night after the French
judge said they won on presentation.

The decision snatched triumph away from a U.S./U.K. pair who most agreed put
on a magical, career-defining performance last month.  It also stirred an
immediate controversy, as analysts questioned how five judges — from France,
Russia, China, Poland, and Ukraine — could have scored the Taliban higher
than the American/British fighters.

"When the Americans and British finished, I thought, 'That's it.  They've
won,'" said Abdur Muhammed, a former Syrian general and now color
commentator with Al Jazeera.  "But when I saw the scores last night,
frankly, I was embarrassed for our profession."

However, a defiant Marie-Reine Le Gougne, the French judge who marked the
Taliban a 5.9 out of a possible 6.0 for artistic impression, insisted the
Afghan regime was much more eloquent.

"Hiding in caves, fighting with inferior weapons, the maneuvers they
attempted were clearly more difficult," said Le Gougne.  "And artistically,
they were much more graceful, particularly with their hands."

"But their hands primarily went up," responded CNN military color analyst
Gen Wesley Clark.

"Yes, but they were very fluid movements," Le Gougne answered.

That explanation only heightened calls for reform in warfare judging, and by
today, pressure was mounting on the International Warfare Union to at least
declare the U.S./U.K. duo as co-winners.

Taliban leader Mullah Omar, however, defended the scoring.  "I don't see
what the debate is about," he said.  "Victory goes to whomever pleases the
judges.  We fought beautifully and deserved this win."

While clearly devastated, U.S. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld refused to
be drawn into the debate.  "War is subjective.  It's judged," he said.  "As
soldiers we have to be happy that we did our best, and put this behind us."

British Defence Secretary Geoff Hoon, however, hinted the U.K. may consider
retiring from war.  "When you work so hard to make your dreams come true,
only to have them snatched away like this, it's... it's disillusioning,"
said Hoon, as he buried his face in his hands.  "I only hope our judges
return the favor the next time France competes."
______________
Copyright © 2002, SatireWire.


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Date:    Sat, 16 Feb 2002 23:16:27 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Puns of the Weak: 02/15/02 (Part 2)

                        OTHER RIDDLES:

 •Compare a mild crime, a nickname for the neighborhood curmudgeon, the
weather's conduct, a dominatrix who specializes in humiliation, and the
denial of a bad flub by a golfer Misdemeanor, Mr. Meaner, mist demeanor,
Miss Demeaner, missed tee? me? naw! (Cynthia MacGregor)•
 •How did the bartender describe his relationship to  his celibate gal
pal? VirGIN & plaTONIC (Tiff Wimberly) •
 •What are the chances of me getting to the moon? Nil, I'm s'rong for
the job! (Gunjan Saraf) •
 •What do you call a veterinarian with a sore throat? A hoarse doctor
(Richard Lederer and James Ertner)  •
 •What happened when the cat swallowed a coin? There was some money in
the kitty!  (Douglas Helsel)  •
 •How do you know if your cat has eaten a duckling? She's got that down
in the mouth look!  (Douglas Helsel)  •
 •What did one chicken say to another when it found it found a citrus
fruit in its nest? Look at the orange Mama laid.  (Richard Lederer and
James Ertner) •
 •What do cat actors say on stage? Tabby or not tabby!  (Douglas Helsel) •
 •Can you shoot a vampire? Only if the gun has crosshairs. (Hauke
Reddman) •
 •What's under that funny looking animal, Dad?" There's nothing, son,
under the gnu.  (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)•

                        TOM SWIFTIES:

 •"Dorothy, if you're going to Oz again, I'm going with you," Aunt Em
barked. (Gill Krebs) •
 •"The nurses were very nice once they discovered I have a PPO," Tom
beamed hospitably. (Stan Kegel)•
 •"I just ran over my father," Tom said transparently. (Gill Krebs)•
 •"I see clearly now!" said the blind carpenter as he picked up his
hammer and saw. (Jerome J. Gamache)•
 •"I'll have this bicycle wheel fixed in no time." Tom spoke up.  (Stan Kegel)•
 •"That may cause my violin strings to snap", was Tom's gut reaction.
(Mark Israel)•
 •"I just returned from Japan," Tom said disorientedly (Gill Krebs).•
 •"We had to amputate at the shoulder," Tom said humorlessly. (Stan Kegel)•
 •"I killed the Greek piper god," Tom deadpanned. (Gill Krebs)•
 •"I think they will invite me to stay," Tom guessed. (Stan Kegel) •
 •"Doctor, why do you have to remove my womb?" asked Mary hysterically
(Gill Krebs).•
 •"Our picnic was invaded by a hoard of insects," Tom said importantly.
(Stan Kegel)•

                        BLOOPERS:

 •Two signs found on top of one another in a country kitchen:
        Restrooms
        <-----
        Please wait for hostess to seat you. (Gag-O-Matic)•
 •Aaron Copland is one of your most famous contemporary composers. It is
unusual to be contemporary. Most composers do not live until they are
dead (Richard Lederer).•
 •My appointment as pastor coincided with the church's appeal for aid
for victims of a hurricane. Unfortunately, on my first Sunday in the
parish, the center page of the church bulletin was accidentally omitted.
So members of the congregation read from the bottom of the second page
to the top of the last page: "Welcome to the Rev. Andrew Jensen and his
family...the worst disaster to hit the area in this century. The full
extent of the tragedy is not yet known." (Irene A. Mystery)•
 •Newscaster: Mayor John Lindsey said he would keep an eye on the
topless situation in New York. He further said the courts would also
take a close look at the girls. (Kermit Schaffer)•
 •This portion of  "Rawhide" is brought to you by Vasoline Petrolium
Jelly. (Kermit Schaffer)•
 •"And on the show tonight, we have five Miss America contestants and
some dogs." (Audience Roars) "I mean real dogs" (More laughter) "Come on
now, you know I mean dogs that bark." (Johnny Carson)•
 •During the course of a Gemini flight broadcast, "I have just learned
that we do have the film of the astronaut's breakfast, which should be
coming up shortly (Frank McGee, NBC News)•
 •Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you better
not try to sing. (Richard Lederer) •
 •Sportscaster: “Here is a sports bulletin just received from the news
room. It’s now official! Juan Pizarro has just pissed a no-hit no-run
game.” (Kermit Schaffer)•

                        POETRY

 •If you wash your dishes with Pride
 Or Joy and the water you've tried
           To dump on the beach
           I'm really should teach
 You... Detergent's not fit to be tide (Gary Hallock)•

 •The family did not scream, "Hooray!"
 When my mom's sister liked a boy named Jim.
 She wanted to get married anyway,
 So my aunteloped with him (Kim Soriano)•

 •My uncle lived all over this land,
 and would move again, but he can't.
 He thinks Tampa Bay is most grand,
 and his wife Tampa-resist-aunt. (Gary Reeves)•

 • My uncle, the astronaut, married last year
 In space, although NASA said "Have it he
 Could not on shuttle." They linked up aboard MIR
 Now I call his wife Auntie Gravity (Gary Hallock)•

 •These two were just swell
 But don't take a chance?
 To be sure you don't smell
 Use one of de oder aunts (Gary Reeves)•

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Date:    Sun, 17 Feb 2002 11:08:22 -0800
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: February 17th - Future Farmer's Day.

During the week of Washington's birthday, from Saturday to Saturday, the FFA
celebrates their organization. If Washington's birthday falls on a Saturday,
the week starts the Saturday before. The first day of the week is known as
Future Farmers Day.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Scott and Peter had applied for jobs at a large company and had to take an
intelligence test.  Though both of them found the test a breeze, except that
they admitted to being momentarily stumped by the final question: "Name a 14
letter word for someone in charge of a plant."

"How did you answer that last one?" asked Scott.  "I thought it was tough at
first ... then I thought of Superintendent."

"I think I got it right too," Pete said.  "But I wrote down Horticulturist."
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

FARMER AND THE RANCHER
There's a farmer who sees a rancher and the farmer says to the rancher, "You
know we have a lot in common?"

"Really?" says the rancher, "How do you figure?"

"Well, we both raise cows."

"No," says the rancher. "You raise cows, I raise cattle."

"Well, we both have farms."

"Wrong again," says the rancher. "I have a ranch not a dumb old farm. Why,
my farm is so big I can drive from sunrise to sunset and I'll still be on my
property."

The farmer says, "Yeah, I used to have a truck like that too."


Sandy (AKA MsSam)
http://chucklesofchoice.com

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Date:    Sun, 17 Feb 2002 14:48:31 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: The Perfect Day.....

PERFECT DAY FOR A WOMAN

8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses.

8:30 Weigh 5lbs. lighter than yesterday

8:45 Breakfast in bed, squeezed orange juice and croissants

9:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil

10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer.

10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo and comb out.

12:00 Lunch with best friend at an outdoor cafe.

12:45 Notice ex-boyfriend's wife, she has gained 30 lbs.

1:00 Shopping with friends.

3:00 Nap.

4:00 A dozen roses delivered by florist. Card is from a secret admirer.

4:15 Light workout at club followed by a gentle massage.

5:30 Pick outfit for dinner. Primp before mirror.

7:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing.

10:00 Hot shower. Alone.

10:30 Make love.

11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling

11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms.


A PERFECT DAY FOR A MAN

6:00 Alarm.

6:15 Blowjob.

6:30 Massive dump while reading the sports section.

7:00 Breakfast. Filet Mignon, eggs, toast and tea.

7:30 Limo arrives.

7:45 Bloody Mary en route to airport

8:15 Private jet to Augusta Georgia.

9:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club.

9:45 Play front nine at Augusta, finish 2 under par.

11:30 Blowjob

11:45 Lunch. 2 dozen oysters on the half shell. 3 Heinekens.

12:15 Blowjob.

12:30 Play back nine at Augusta, finish 4 under par.

2:15 Limo back to airport. Drink 2 Bombay martinis.

2:20 Blowjob

2:30 Private jet to Nassau, Bahamas . Nap.

3:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with topless female crew.

4:15 Blowjob

4:30 Catch world record light tackle marlin - 1249 lbs.

5:00 Jet back home. En route, get massage from naked supermodel.

7:00 Watch Sportscenter.

7:30 Dinner. Lobster appetizers, 1963 Dom Perignon, 20oz. New York strip.

9:00 Relax after dinner with 1789 Augler Cognac and Cohiba Cuban cigar.

10:00 Have sex with two 18 year old nymphomaniacs.

11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi.

11:45 Go to bed.

11:46 One last blowjob

11:59 Let loose a 12 second, 4 octave fart. Watch the dog leave the room.

12:00 Laugh yourself to sleep.

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Date:    Sun, 17 Feb 2002 14:14:21 -0800
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: It's witchcraft

Lancaster, Pennyslvania

YMCA is scrambling for security help for its Sept. 7 triathlon after a nearby fire police department decided to boycott the event, saying the YMCA promotes witchcraft by holding readings of Harry Potter books.

+Source: Sports Illustrated, Feb. 4, 2002+




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Date:    Sun, 17 Feb 2002 22:46:32 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Telephone News Release

The following is taken from a Telephone Subscriber News Release
dated January 14, 2002. Unfortunately, it has been determined
that many computer users have not received this notice; therefore,
I am forwarding it to you as a public service.

As you may have heard, the telephone company has been experiencing
problems lately with busy signals, noise on the line, etc. They
have determined that only an emergency cleaning of the lines will
resolve these problems.

This maintenance has been scheduled for next Sunday (January 24,
2002), beginning at 6:00 A.M., and lasting most of the morning
hours. (Strange, they usually do this operation right at the
beginning of April).

PREPARE NOW FOR THIS MAINTENANCE OPERATION.
A lot of dust comes from the phones when the phone company cleans
the lines. They usually send notices warning us to put plastic
bags over the phones.

Telephone wires are like heater ducts, little empty tubes that
carry your voice's vibrations to the person you're calling.  When
the phone company cleans them, they send little cockroaches
through them with feather dusters attached to their backs. The
dust that is not picked up by the feather dusters is stirred up
and comes out the little holes in the mouthpiece.
Please don't take this issue lightly!
  -----------------------------------------
Before you allow the telephone company to clean out your phone
lines, you should know that there is a serious side-effect to
having the phone company blow or clean out your lines. If there
is a weak spot in the insulation anywhere between the central
office and your phone, it can cause an insulation break in your
phone line. Through this break, solder ants can enter thus
causing an infestation, especially when the insulation break is
close to your house.

For the uninformed, solder ants, a close cousin to the leaf-cutter
ant, crawl through the phone lines and attack the soldered
connections in phone equipment, answering machines, telephones,
modems, digital satellite receivers (plugged into a phone jack)
and home computers, especially those using an internal modem.
They eat the solder off of joints causing cold solder joints and
opens. Symptoms of a solder ant infestation are the crackling and
popping sounds heard on your phone, spurious reboots on your
computer and wrong numbers/incomplete calls on your phone.
(Remember the electrical outage that affected nearly the entire
western United States several years ago? It was caused by solder
ants).

Three known ways to combat this pest are as follows ...
1. Cracks in your phone line insulation, the cause of solder ant
  infestations, are caused by excess slack in cables between the
  central office and your home. This slack causes excessive
    bending of the insulation on your phone lines thus causing
    cracks thus allowing solder ants to enter. In order to correct
    this, insist that the phone company pull all the slack out of
    your lines from the central office end. This is not widely
    known, but the telephone companies must do this at no charge to
    the subscriber requesting it. Lobbying by the companies
    prevented them from having to do this automatically.
2. Four to six inches from the device (phone, modem, etc.) tie a
    tight knot in the phone cord to prevent solder ants from
    exiting to your equipment (Make sure you loosen the knot when
    the lines are blown out!). This also has the added benefit of
    preventing lightning from destroying your equipment. It is a
    known fact that lightning must travel in a straight line and it
    cannot make it around the bends of a tight knot tied in your
    phone cord. This is a little known fact that companies such
    as APC, who make surge suppression equipment, do not want you
    to know.
3. Insist that the phone company flush your lines instead of blow
    them out. Chemicals contained in the flushing solution ward
    off solder ants and are just as effective in cleaning out your
    lines. The only problem is that once notified that your lines
    are to be flushed, you have the responsibility of unplugging all
    telecom devices and leaving the phone cord ends extended in to
    some type of bucket to capture the flushing solution. Otherwise
    the solution will drain all over your equipment and require
    professional cleaning. An environmental note: Smaller, less
    well-financed telcos use cheaper, older, more dangerous
    flushing solutions. The residue left from line flushing must
    be dealt with the same way you would deal with any petroleum
   based solvent. The easiest way to get around this is to insist
    that your telephone company use environmentally friendly
    subscriber line flushing solvents.

Warning: Do not attempt to blow out the lines yourself or try to
look into a line that is being blown clean. You could destroy
your phone equipment or injure yourself. It is best left to the
experts. I have been in the telephone business for twenty-two
years. I know what I am talking about!

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Mon, 18 Feb 2002 00:05:09 -0500
From:    The Punk with the Stutter <thepunkwiththestutter@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: =?Windows-1252?Q?Buy-Outs_Are_a_Girl=92s_Best_Friend=3F__=3Clanguage=3E?=

What EMI gets for its $28 million

POP STAR MARIAH CAREY recently made headlines by running naked through a
Long Island shopping mall while zonked on Boone's Farm, lithium and
OxyContin.  No, wait—that's next month.  This month, Carey made headlines
when EMI's Virgin records division bought out her multi-album contract for a
whopping $28 million (roughly enough to pay her entourage's phone and
clothing bills for three months).  Does paying her so much make any business
sense? Analysts have suggested that EMI is attempting to sabotage Mariah's
career lest their decision come back to bite them on the ass like some sort
of strange, ass-biting creature.

Below are some of the more suspicious and degrading stipulations the label
worked into its buy-out of the legendary screeching enthusiast.

11.  For ten years, EMI employees get to brag at happy hours, weddings and
other social occasions about working for the company that paid Mariah Carey
$28 million dollars to shut the fuck up.

17.  The visual concept of Ms. Carey shimmying about in a series of
revealing, cleavage-enhancing outfits while lip-synching suggestively shall
remain the sole intellectual property of EMI.  From now on, all Mariah Carey
videos must feature at least two of the following:

•  Wizards
•  Fearsome dragons
•  Dry ice
•  Somebody rolling the twelve-sided die in slow motion
•  A wicked guitar solo from Joe Satriani where he's riding on the back of a
big blue whale
•  A career-making appearance from a young Courteney Cox

22.  The concept of Ms. Carey recording with popular rap stars (Jay-Z,
Ludacris, Ol' Dirty Bastard) to boost her street cred likewise remains the
sole intellectual property of EMI.  From henceforth, Ms. Carey may only
collaborate with the following people:

•  The members of the Fat Boys who aren't dead
•  Chris Gaines
•  The Dream Warriors
•  Oates
•  MC Skat Kat
•  Buckner & Garcia
•  Yngwie Malmstein
•  Ronnie James Dio
•  The members of the Fat Boys who are dead

38.  Following her departure from EMI, Ms. Carey must return everything the
company has lent her, including, but not limited to:

•  Two silicone spheres, used
•  One copy, "Diana Ross's Guide to Staying on Top Forever"
•  That Stephen Malkmus solo album.  We lent it to you, like, a million
years ago, and you never returned it.
•  Our hopes and dreams of riding Ms. Carey's dazzling star power all the
way to hit city

56.  For the purpose of irony, Ms. Carey's offices will officially be handed
over to surly, drunken howler monkeys.

71.  The majority of Ms. Carey's buy-out will be in the form of "EMI Wacky
Cash" redeemable solely for the purchase of EMI products like Robbie
Williams's "Live At The Albert."

78.  Ms. Carey promises not to steal office supplies while clearing out her
desk.  This includes paper clips.  A security guard will be on hand to
protect the company's property and escort Ms. Carey out of the building.
(Note: Ms. Carey is expressly forbidden from imploring security guard to "be
a dear" and go fetch some Evian for her terrier.)

84.  Following Ms. Carey's departure from the EMI family, she must behave
herself with poise, exercise restraint and subtlety in her music and choose
gifted collaborators with unique artistic visions.  Ha, just kidding!  We
concede that this provision is unenforceable.  We just wanted to see it in
print.
__ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __
Copyright 2002 Modern Humorist, Inc.


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