Digest for Friday, February 15, 2002

There are 13 messages totalling 685 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. More Interesting MSNBC Titles for "Alan Keyes is Making Sense"
  2. VALENTINE.....
  3. CONSENT FORM
  4. The life of an egg
  5. Virus Alert - The Mother Of All Viruses
  6. Happy Valentines Day!
  7. idiot-proof warning labels
  8. LBNN Late-Braking News: Condos
  9. February 15th - First athlete to win Winter & Summer gold medals.
  10. Archive Classic
  11. Puns of the Weak: 02-15-02 (Part 1)
  12. Working session
  13. Jim Mullens Hot Sheet


----------------------------------------------------------------------


Date:    Fri, 15 Feb 2002 02:10:09 -0500
From:    Rollo Tomasi <rollotomasi718@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: More Interesting MSNBC Titles for "Alan Keyes is Making Sense"

•  Alan Keyes is Making Jesse Jackson Look Bad

•  Alan Keyes is Making Out With Ashleigh Banfield

•  Alan Keyes is Making 23 Grand a Year

•  Alan Keyes is Making Sense to 1,500 Nut Jobs Who Tape C-Span

•  Alan Keyes is Making Flan - Want Some?

•  Alan Keyes is Making Babies

•  Alan Keyes is Making C4

•  Alan Keyes is Making Strom Thurmond Look Like a Pinko

•  Alan Keyes is Making Maryland Voters Realize Why They Vote Against Him
Every Time He Runs for Senator

•  Alan Keyes is Making Gary Bauer Green With Envy

•  Alan Keyes is Making More Trips To The Men's Room Than Usual and, Between
You and Me, Should See a Urologist

•  Alan Keyes is Making Jesus Proud

•  Alan Keyes is Making People Have Seizures With His Sweaters

•  Alan Keyes is Making Star Wars Action Figures in Studio!
__________________
(c) Daily Wonk Lists 2002


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Date:    Fri, 15 Feb 2002 07:22:44 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: VALENTINE.....

Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they
learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's day is
for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get mad at me
for giving someone a valentine?" David's father thinks a bit then says,
"No, I don't think God would get mad. But who do you want to give a
valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," David says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden?" his father asks in shock.
"Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could
have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that
maybe we're not all bad and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if
other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone
a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how
much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound pride.
"David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," David says. "And once that gets him out in the open, the Marines
could blow the shit out of him

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Date:    Fri, 15 Feb 2002 07:52:16 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <PBenoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: CONSENT FORM  <adult>

Sexual Harassment Consent Form


Name:__________________________________
MALE:_____________ FEMALE:_____________
SOCIAL SECURITY No:____________________
ADDRESS:_______________________________
CITY:__________________________________
STAFF ELEMENT:_________________________
HOME PHONE No.:________________________
OFFICE PHONE No.:______________________


SEXUAL PREFERENCE:

 [  ] Male - Female
 [  ] Female - Female
 [  ] Male - Male
 [  ] All of the Above
 [  ] None of the Above
        Please Specify: __________________


I CONSENT TO THE FOLLOWING FORMS OF SEXUAL HARRASSMENT:

 [  ] Salutatory Greeting
 [  ] Eye-to-Eye Contact
 [  ] Eye-to-Bust Contact
 [  ] Eye-to-Below Waist Contact

 [  ] Heavy Breathing On Neck
 [  ] Heavy Breathing In Ear
 [  ] Other (specify) ________________

 [  ] Hands On Body
 [  ] Shoulder: _______________________
 [  ] Waist: __________________________
 [  ] Gluteus Maximus: ________________
 [  ] Other (specify) ________________

 [  ] Feelies
 [  ] Gropies
 [  ] Penetration (however slight)
 [  ] Other (specify) ________________
 [  ] All of the Above


MISCELLANEOUS:

I WILL   WILL NOT
 [  ]     [  ] Assist in procurement of various potions,
               lotions, products, appliances, etc. to be
               used during sexual harassment.
 [  ]     [  ] Assist in procurement and maintenance of
               various types of sustaining apparatus.
 [  ]     [  ] Clean up.


I CERTIFY THAT I WILL ACCEPT SEXUAL HARASSMENT FROM:

 [  ] Anyone
 [  ] Anyone But: ______________________________
 [  ] Only: ____________________________________



      SIGNATURE: _______________________________
      DATE:_____________________________________


This form is to be reviewed by immediate supervisor annually,
prior to performance rating and evaluation.


*****************
Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.


______________________________________________________
This message (including any attachments) contains confidential information
intended for a specific individual and purpose, and is protected by law.  -
If you are not the intended recipient, you should delete this message and
are hereby notified that any disclosure, copying, or distribution of this
message, or the taking of any action based on it, is strictly prohibited.
_____________________________________________________

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Date:    Fri, 15 Feb 2002 07:06:27 -0800
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: The life of an egg

If you think life is bad.....

How would you like to be an egg?

You only get laid once.

You only get eaten once.

It takes four minutes to get hard.

Only two minutes to get soft.

You share your box with 11 other guys

But worst of all..

the only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother!!!

So cheer up, Your life ain't that bad!!!!

Pass it around to someone who you feel can use a good lay,

Uh, I mean day!!!!!

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Date:    Fri, 15 Feb 2002 08:46:40 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Virus Alert - The Mother Of All Viruses

If you receive an email entitled "BadBadBad IXI," delete it
immediately. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty.

It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will
also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.
It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.  It
reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your
VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you
attempt to play-- except Yanni CD's. With them it doubles the
volume.

It will automatically download kiddie porn to your hard drive and
then notify the authorities.

It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all
your ice cream melts and your milk curdles.

It will program your phone auto dial to call only your mother-in-
law's number.

This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.

It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are
expecting company.

It will talk nasty about your mother.

Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and bellybutton
fuzz (be honest, you have some) to migrate behind your ears.  It
will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine,
all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and
billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card -- the only card
stripe it didn't demagnetize.

It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way
that is only fun until someone loses an eye.

It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs
to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which
grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.

If the "BadBadBad" message is opened in ANY Windows environment,
it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged
in dangerously close to a full bathtub.

It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses
and pillows, but it will also refill your skim milk with whole
milk.

It will replace all your luncheon meat with beef tongue.

It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it
to smell like dill pickles-- but, on the plus side, they're kosher
dills.

It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to
behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

These are just a few signs of infection. You have been warned.

Beware.

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Fri, 15 Feb 2002 13:52:31 +0000
From:    Randall Woodman <rwoodman@ATTBI.COM>
Subject: Happy Valentines Day!

Here's to Corporate Holidays....

This past weekend, I was rushing around trying to do some Valentine's Day shopping done. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the weather right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking lot as I was loading my car up. I noticed that I was missing a receipt that I might need later. So mumbling under my breath, I retraced my steps to the mall entrance. As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing.

The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12 years old. He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night's chill.

Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand. Thinking that he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong. He told me his sad story. He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and four sisters. His father had died when he was nine years old. His Mother was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs. She made very little to support her large family. Nevertheless, she had managed to skimp and save two hundred dollars to buy her children some Valentine's Day presents (since she didn't manage to get them anything on Christmas).

The young boy had been dropped off, by his mother, on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his siblings and  save just enough to take the bus home. He had not even entered the mall, when an older boy grabbed one of the hundred dollar bills and disappeared into  the night.

"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked.

The boy said, "I did."

"And nobody came to help you?" I queried.

The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head. "How loud did  you scream?" I inquired.

The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!"

I realized that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for help! So I grabbed his other hundred and ran to my car.

Happy Valentine's Day everyone!

Signed,
Kenneth Lay
Enron CEO


-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=} Randall {=-  Valentines Day for Lovers, Palm Sunday for Single guys

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Date:    Fri, 15 Feb 2002 09:26:27 -0500
From:    Musat, Bob <Bob.Musat@TRI-C.CC.OH.US>
Subject: idiot-proof warning labels

we've all seen various iterations of these labels in many emails from our
fellow contributors to this list, [e.g.:  do not iron clothes while wearing
them; contents will be hot when heated; etc.] but here's a new one which may
or may not be an urban legend:

just two night ago, at my second job, a fellow-worker remarked about having
gone off-season shopping for a rotary lawn mower at sears.

while he was looking over the various models, he noticed the warning sticker
on the top of the cutting deck:  "do not stick hands underneath while engine
is running."

mentioning this as being a bit ridiculous and extreme to the salesman, the
salesman told my friend, "i can tell you exactly why that sticker's there."

in the story the salesman went on to relate, it seems that two "good ol'
boys" from some unnamed locale in the good ol' u.s. of a. decided that it
would be a neat idea to use their rotary lawn mower as a hedge trimmer.

sure enough, with one on each side of the mower and on each side of the
hedge, they HAND CARRIED the mower along the top of the hedges, with one
hand on the handle and one under the deck *just* out of the way of the
rotating blade.

this produced not only a nice, neat, straight, flat, clean top to the
hedges, but when one of the stumbled slightly, they also get a nice, neat,
straight, flat, clean cut on one of these morons' hands, eliminating all
four of his fingers which were under the mower's deck.


now *that's* american ingenuity at work!

:)

be seeing you,

oxo

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Date:    Fri, 15 Feb 2002 09:51:00 -0500
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: LBNN Late-Braking News: Condos

LBNN Late-Braking News Network

Washington, DC (LBNN) - President George W. Bush today expressed
admiration for Pope Paul but went on to disagree with the recent papal
pronouncement on birth control:  "I have every respect for the Holy
Father's stance on birth control, but I cannot, for the life of me,
endorse his ban on condos as an alternative life style.  It seems to me
that seniors, especially seniors, should not have to forego condos this
late in life. Sometimes, condos are their only option for decent housing."

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Date:    Fri, 15 Feb 2002 08:08:00 -0800
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: February 15th - First athlete to win Winter & Summer gold medals.

In 1932, Eddie Eagan of the U.S. bobsled team became the first athlete to
win a gold medal in both the Winter and Summer Olympics. He had previously
won a gold medal in boxing at the 1920 Summer Olympics.

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU WON'T WIN OLYMPIC GOLD
10. You're the only speed skater sponsored by Prozac.
9.  You break both ankles while lacing up your skates.
8.  While others "Go For The Gold" you go for the free buffet.
7.  You've got as much chance of passing the drug test as Robert Downey, Jr.
6.  Triple lutz?  No. Triple bypass? Yes!
5.  Your bobsled is crammed with carry-on luggage.
4.  McDonald's manager says, "Sorry, Ms. Harding, you can't have the week
off."
3.  Before your event you stay at a karaoke bar until 4 a.m. singing
"Afternoon Delight."
2.  There's no Olympic event for ski-jumping dogs.
1.  Your ice dancing partner is inflatable.

Sandy (AKA MsSam)
http://chucklesofchoice.com

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Date:    Fri, 15 Feb 2002 10:19:04 -0700
From:    Emko Witteveen <emko@MAC.COM>
Subject: Archive Classic

A woman surgeon was disturbed about the high cost of her car repair.

"This is ridiculous!" she said, "charging me five hundred dollars
to grind the valves and put in new piston rings."

"Not really, just think about it. You are a surgeon and should know
that an automobile engine is just as complicated as a human body.
The mechanic who serviced your car is just as skilled as you are."

"Is that so? Well, let me see him grind valves while the engine is
running."

---

  Mahatma Gandhi was what wives wish their husbands
   were: thin, tan, and moral.
       ~ Unknown

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Date:    Fri, 15 Feb 2002 19:32:18 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Puns of the Weak: 02-15-02 (Part 1)

 •Our congratulations to punster and regular contributor, Richard
Lederer, for his selection as the 2002 recipient of Toastmasters
International’s Golden Gavel Award.•

                        IN THE NEWS:

 •It would be a lot easier to get a lift ticket in Salt Lake City if  it
weren't for all those medaling athletes. (David Reihmer)•
 • The good timin' man's health was failin'
 But we didn't know he'd be bailin'
        Now Nelson's old buddy
        Is dead, and that's cruddy
 For no longer Willie be Waylon (Gary Hallock)•
 •Saddam Hussein has now agreed to weapons inspections. The bad news is
that he wants Arthur Andersen to do it.  (Knight Craft)•
 •Britney Spears will sing a duet with Cher in her next televised
concert special. It's predicted to be a ratings bonanza. They are
perhaps the two biggest names in plastic surgery. (Alan Ray)•

                        HOLIDAY PUNS

 •      HAPPY   TIANE   DAY
        HAPPY   TIENE   DAY
        HAPPY   TIINE   DAY
        HAPPY   TIONE   DAY
        HAPPY   TIUNE   DAY
 (A vowel in tine greeting from Gary Hallock)•
 •An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard
sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he
asked, "Going to a costume party?" "Yeah," the man answered, "I'm
supposed to come dressed as my love life." "But you look like Abe
Lincoln," protested the bartender. "That's right, my last four scores
were seven years ago." (Dim Wit)•
 •If you’re a pregnant bride in her ninth month but beat the baby to the
alter, you’ll be Happy! Veil in time! (Cynthia MacGregor)•
 •Last week on Hollywood Squares, they honored Valentine's Day. During
one segment, Whoopie put a big red heart on her head. Tom Bergeron said,
"Oh, look, Whoopie's got a heart on." (Les Pourciau)•
 •What did the mushroom say to her Valentine's date? He's a fungi  (The
Daily Groaner)•
 •After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you
gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it
means?" "You'll know tonight." he said. That evening, the man came home
with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it -
to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams" (Syman Hirsch)•
 •What does the gorilla call his Valentine? His prime mate (The Daily Groaner)•
 • Cupid’s not stupid you know,
 But sometimes he does move too slw
        If your man’s a disaster
        You’ll need Eros faster
 You might have to tighten your beau (Gary Hallock)•
 •On February 14th, my girl friend was brushing some stuff onto her
eyebrows which I had never seen her wear before. I asked her if she had
used it before and was told that she wears it only once a year. I asked
her why and she answered, “It’s my St. Valentine’s Day mascara. (Archives)•

                        PUNY RIDDLE CHAIN:

 •What did Phil Harris say to his wife when she didn't want to go out
andsee the lights on their Alaskan cruise?  "Does the Aurora bore you,
Alice?"  (Stan Kegel) •
 •For reasons unknown, the president insisted that he wouldn't use the
bathroom in the White House. Instead he ordered that an outhouse be
constructed on a nearby bluff. Teetering precariously there on the edge
of the precipice he would do his "business." Although this may seem
strange, it is actually allowed for in the constitution. It is known as
what? Executive privy ledge (Gary Hallock) •
 •Why did the fellow exiting the airplane in midair grab two guns on his
way out? He wanted a pair of shoots.  (Cynthia MacGregor)  •
 •When missionaries first arrived at Malasia, the natives insisted on
having two young women in their traditional native dress lead the Sunday
service. The priests, of course refused, siting this cliche as the
reason. Two sarongs do not make a rite. (Stan Kegel)•
 •You're about to tackle the job of scrubbing scuzzy tiles in your
shower/bath when you suddenly remember that there's a made-for-TV movie
on featuring the characters of your favorite daytime drama. Although you
would much rather do one thing than the other, there's really very
little difference between these two activities. In alternate sentences
of six words, how can you express your dilemma? Wash the soap film on
the tub or Watch the soap film on the tube (Ken Pinkham)•
 •Elwood P. Dowd had indulged more than normal, and visualized a phalanx
of clones of his best friend moving away from him. This could be called
A Receding Hare Line  (Stan Kegel)•
 •Why is a forty-niner like a hunting dog? Both might be golden
retrievers (Lars Hanson)•
 •What large extinct creature was probably named after the infected
wounds of Victorian era female sibling authors? Bronte sores Gary Hallock)•

                        DEFINITIONS:

 •Pregnancy:  A fetal disease (Norm Gilbert)•
 •Rhapsody: To enclose a can of Pepsi in paper (Cynthia MacGregor)•
 •Arch Criminal: One who robs shoe stores (Stan Kegel)•
 •Tentacles:  Linebacker's dream every game. (Lexicon) •
 •Auspices: The stallion takes a leak (Cynthia MacGregor)•
 •Ice: One of the few things that really is what it's cracked up to be
(Art. Moger)  •
 •Axis: Instruments used to fell trees (Lars Hanson)
 •Arson: Our daughter's brother (Stan Kegel) •
 •Dixieland: What the 4 year old said about Richard sighting an Island
(Jay Christie)•
 •Adulterate: A full price cinema ticket (Audrey Cowper)
 •Lift ticket: A traffic citation for giving a hitchhiker a ride
(Cynthia MacGregor)•
 •Testicle:  A humorous question on an exam.  (Lexicon) •
 •Depolarize - What nuclear submarines sail under. (Ken Pinkham) •
 •Despair: Emergency tire (Stan Kegel) •
 •Genuine:  How you ask Jennifer if she wants to join a card game (Jay Christie)•

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Date:    Fri, 15 Feb 2002 19:42:56 -0800
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Working session

President Bush and Colin Powell were sitting in a bar. A guy walks in
and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?"

The barman looks over and confirms, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you
guys doing in here?"

Bush checks to make sure no one is listening in, and whispers, "We're
planning our next war."

And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis and one bicycle
repairman."

The guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman? Why kill a bicycle repairman?"

And Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See,
smart ass? I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"

+Source: Randy's Random+


Is your boss reading your email? ....Probably
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Date:    Sat, 16 Feb 2002 00:21:46 -0500
From:    The Punk with the Stutter <thepunkwiththestutter@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: Jim Mullen's Hot Sheet

What the country is talking about this week...

1)  Whoopi Goldberg:  She sends her Oscar out for cleaning?  What has she
been doing with it—planting tulips?

2)  "Crossroads"  Britney Spears stars in her first film.  And all the
critics agree: She's never going to have to worry about dirty, stolen
Oscars.

3)  Rosie O'Donnell:  She may out herself in an upcoming autobiography.  It
turns out that all these years she's secretly been a 90-pound lingerie
model.

4)  Skeleton:  A one-person sled that goes more than 60 miles an hour.  I
wish I had a car that could do that.

5)  Dee Snider:  The Twisted Sister frontman is the voice of MSNBC.  There's
something about a man wearing lace gloves and lipstick that screams, "Trust
Me."

6)   Madonna:  She may sing the next James Bond movie theme.  Gee, now
everyone will want to see it.

7)  Bode and Picabo:  Their parents bought the bargain brand, Hukd on
Foniks.

8)  Enron:  They're planning a made-for-TV movie about the debacle.  It's
what television does best—make money off other people's tragedies.

9)  "John Q."  Denzel Washington hijacks a hospital in a fit of HMO rage.
Seems they wouldn't pay for his anger management therapy.

10)  Snowboarding:  It's easier than falling off a log.  A 200-foot-high log
covered with jagged, flesh-ripping, bonebreaking, tendon-shredding branches.

11)  Liza Minnelli:  She's invited 1,200 people to her wedding.  It's so big
because if you've gone to three of her weddings, the fourth one's free.

12)  "Hart's War"  Bruce Willis plans an escape from a WWII POW camp.  But
how will he get his hair and makeup people out with him?

13)  Chinese New Year:  It's the Year of the Horse.  Yet I'm still wearing
clothes from the Year of the Pig.

14)  Salt Lake City:  Reporters were afraid they wouldn't be able to drink,
smoke, and fool around.  Which is why they became reporters.

15)  Oscar nominations:  I can't remember—did "Memento" get any?
___   ___   ___   ___   ___   ___   ___   ___
Copyright © 2002 Entertainment Weekly and Time Inc.

===============

•  It's Not You, It's Me, Charlie Brown  •

Charlie Brown Valentine's specials we'll never see on TV.  And of course, it
goes without saying, I'll burn in hell for these:

•   Why Can't My Boyfriend Be More Like You, Charlie Brown?
•   It's Not You, It's Me, Charlie Brown
•   If I Didn't Have a Boyfriend It'd Be You, Charlie Brown
•   Because No Means No, Charlie Brown
•   There's No Easy Way to Say It, So I'm Just Going to Say It, Charlie
Brown
•   You're Like a Brother, Charlie Brown
•   But I Thought You Were Gay, Charlie Brown
•   Can't Things Stay the Way They Are, Charlie Brown?
•   Size Doesn't Matter, Charlie Brown
•   She's Nothing But A Red-Headed Tease, Charlie Brown
•   You Still Have Something to Live For, Charlie Brown, Please Step Away
From the Ledge
•   I Know It's You That's Been Calling Me, Charlie Brown
•   There's a Thin Line Between Love and Hate, Charlie Brown
•   What We Have is a Failure to Communicate, Charlie Brown
•   You've Lost That Lovin' Feeling, Charlie Brown
•   But I Was Thinking of You, Charlie Brown
•   It'll Be Our Little Secret, Charlie Brown
•   I'm Flattered But I Just Think of You as a Friend, Charlie Brown
•   I Thought You Knew, I Play for the Other Team, Charlie Brown
•   I'm Focusing On My Career, Charlie Brown
•   The Restraining Order Says You Have to Stay 500 Yards Away, Charlie
Brown
____________
by James Collier
From TeeVee -- www.teevee.org


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