Digest for Sunday, February 10, 2002

There are 8 messages totalling 506 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Hot Trend at Kiddie Parties: CFOs
  2. Dog Letters to God.....
  3. In The Pool
  4. February 10th, Dog Day USA
  5. Puns of the Weak: 02/08/02 (Part 2)
  6. Going against nature
  7. This Weeks Horoscopes


Date:    Sun, 10 Feb 2002 02:04:48 -0500
From:    Rollo Tomasi <rollotomasi718@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: Hot Trend at Kiddie Parties: CFOs

Beverly Hills, Calif. (SatireWire.com) — What's the hottest trend in
entertainment at upscale kiddie birthday parties?  Chief Financial Officers.

"I liked him lots!" said 5-year-old Tyler Walsh, whose parents hired Stanley
the CFO to entertain during their son's party.  "We shouted numbers, and he
made them disappear, or sometimes we gived him a number, like 10, and he
would put it in his calculator, say some magic words, and poof, he turned it
into a different way bigger number."

"And he said if we paided him more, he could make the numbers be anything we
want!" Tyler added.

"I must say, he really was quite good," said Patricia Walsh, Tyler's mother.
"Stanley asked for a $20 bill, and I gave it to him.  He put it in his
pocket, said some words, and just like magic, the $20 was gone!  I was like,
'How did you do that?' and he said, 'I'm sorry, but a true CFO never reveals
his secrets.  Unless you have a subpoena.'"
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Date:    Sun, 10 Feb 2002 08:24:25 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Dog Letters to God.....

Dear God,
How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom smell one another? Where
are their priorities?


Dear God,
When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old


Dear God,
Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the
mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a
dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice
ride! I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy
to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle!


Dear God,
If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he
still a bad dog?


Dear God,
Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on-ramps?


Dear God,
If we come back as humans, is that good or bad?


Dear God,
More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.


Dear God,
When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?


Dear God,
We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles,
horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields and
Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?


Dear God,
Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been howling at
the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle
across the street!


Dear God,
Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?


Dear God,
Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we can't make
up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it the carpets thing, again?


Dear God,
Can you undo what that doctor did ... ?


A Cat Letter to God

Dear God,
Do you exist? I'm just curious. I don't care.

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Date:    Sun, 10 Feb 2002 08:45:27 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: In The Pool

One day this rich guy was having a party at his house. He was
loaded, and he had everything; money, a big house in Beverly
Hills, drugs, girls, cars, planes; anything he wanted. The guy
was also a little eccentric, and he had filled his pool with

So there he was, with his friends, standing around drinking,
getting high and partying next to the pool.

The guy gets up on the life guard tower and all his friends look
up. He calls for silence and says "The first person the swims
across my pool will get $1,000,000."

No one moves.

The guy looks over the crowd, draws on his joint and says "Okay,
the first person that swims across my pool gets $1,000,000 AND my

Still no one moves.

"Well, then.  The first person the swims across my pool $1,000,000,
my house PLUS their choice of any TWO of my cars!"

Still, no one moves, not even a eye blinks this time.

"Not enough?"  he says.  Okay then, $1,000,000, my house, 2 of my
cars, my plane, my summer property in France, and all the girls
you can handle.  Plus I'll throw in half my stock portfolio!"

Splash! Someone's in the pool.

Crocodiles are all over him, but he rolls over like Tarzan.  He's
all over the place, fighting and dodging and swimming like crazy!
Finally he gets out of the pool, he's made it to the other side!

The rich guy jumps down from the tower and runs over to him.
"That was incredible! I never thought that I would ever see that
done. Do you want the money now or later?"

"I don't want the money."

"Do you want the house now or later?"

"I don't want the house."

"Do you want the cars and plane now or later?"

"I don't want the cars or the planes."

"How about the deed to the property in France?  What about the
girls?  When do you want them?"

"I don't want any of your stuff," yells the man.  "I only want one

The rich guy looks at him and says "Well what the hell is that?"

"I want the bastard that pushed me in."


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Date:    Sun, 10 Feb 2002 07:14:24 -0800
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: February 10th, Dog Day USA <Offensive to dogs ... but true!!>

The annual Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show, the world's most prestigious
dog show, had its first show in 1867. In a 1995 story,"People" magazine
called this weekend event Dog Day USA.

I love my master;
Thus I perfume myself with
This long-rotten squirrel.

I lie belly-up
In the sunshine, happier than
You ever will be.

Today I sniffed
Many dog butts--I celebrate
By kissing your face.

I sound the alarm!
Paperboy--come to kill us all--
Look!  Look!  Look!  Look!  Look!

I sound the alarm!
Garbage man--come to kill us all--
Look!  Look!  Look!  Look!  Look!

I lift my leg and
Whiz on each bush.  Hello, Spot-
Sniff this and weep.

How do I love thee?
The ways are numberless as
My hairs on the rug.

My human is home!
I am so ecstatic I have
Made a puddle.

I Hate my choke chain.
Look, world, they strangle me! Ack
Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack!

Sleeping here, my chin
On your foot--no greater bliss--well,
Maybe catching rats.

Look in my eyes and
Deny it. No human could
Love you as much I do.

The cat is not all
Bad--she fills the litter box
With Tootsie Rolls.

Dig under fence--why?
Because it's there. Because it's
There. Because it's there.

I am your best friend,
Now, always, and especially
When you are eating.

You may call them fleas,
But they are far more--I call
Them a vocation.

My owners' mood is
Romantic--I lie near their
Feet. I fart a big one.
(Author Unknown)

Sandy (AKA MsSam)

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Date:    Sun, 10 Feb 2002 09:02:46 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Puns of the Weak: 02/08/02 (Part 2)

                        HOLIDAY PUNS:

 •He loved her very much. He wanted this Valentine’s day to be special,
So he had ordered a bottle of her favorite liquor imported from France
and it had arrived in time for the occasion. On his way home,  he
stopped at the local florist. He had planned to have a bouquet made with
her favorite flower, white anemones. But to his dismay, he found that
the florist had sold all her flowers and had only a few sterns of
feathery ferns left for decoration. In a moment of inspiration, he had
the answer. He asked the florist to make a bouquet using the flask of
liquor instead of flowers and what  she produced was magnificent well
beyond his expectations. He added a card, and proceeded home. When  he
arrived, his wife was beautiful in her most elegant gown, and it was
apparent that she had spent much of the day preparing a romantic
candlelight dinner for the two of them. He presented her with his gift,
and she opened the card to read, “Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder.”
With a tear in her eye, she whispered to him lovingly, “Yes, and with
fronds like these, who needs anemones.” (By Stan Kegel)•
 •On Valentine’s Day before the birth of our first child, I brought a
flowering plant home to my pregnant wife.  “They’re mums,” I told her,
pleased with my pun. Since it was already a week past her due date, my
wife quipped, “You should have gotten impatiens.” (Archives)•
 •What did the caveman give his wife on Valentine's Day?
        Ughs and kisses! (The Daily Groaner)•


 •On the Joey Bishop show, Joey asked Barry Goldwater if he would like
to be on the show twice a week. The senator answered, "I'd much rather
watch you in bed with my wife." (Kermit Schaffer)•
 •The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
Church basement Friday at 7 PM.  The Congregation is invited to attend
this tragedy. (Harold Clark)•
 •Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields
and McCoys. (Richard Lederer)•
 •On the first day of my new afternoon show, I found out my first
sponsor was well known laxative. I eagerly said, "Well, we're off and
running." (Merv Griffin)•
 •Please weight. Spell Checker at work.  (Cathleen Shoemaker)•
 •An announcer reading right off the wire, "A severe storm hit Atlantic
City today, bringing high winds, hail and two inches of rain. A sailor
was sucked under the boardwalk by a big Wave. (Kermit Schaffer)•
 •I know what a sextet is but I had rather not say. (Richard Lederer)•
 •"Arnold Palmer, usually a great putter, seems to be having trouble
with his long putt. However he has no trouble dropping his shorts."
(Clean Laffs)•
 •"I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the
kids to copulate me." (Andre Dawson)•
 •Interviewer: "What is the first thing you were taught as a WAVE?"
Contestant: "The first thing we learned is, before we do anything to
disgrace the uniform, we should take them off." (Kermit Schaffer)•

                TOM SWIFTIES:

 •"The value of my waterfront property would increase if the U.S. and
Canadian governments could agree to de-pollute the lake," said Tom with
superior knowledge (Gill Krebs) •
 •"You must be more careful when giving those immunizations," Tom said
hypocritically. (Stan Kegel)•
 •"I'm trying to get some air circulating up here just beneath the
roof," said Tom fanatically. (Gill Krebs) •
 •"It's just gold leaf", said Tom guiltily. (Mark Israel)•
 •"I haven't been able to rent the apartment," Tom answered vacantly
(Stan Kegel).•
 •"Do you believe in the myth of Red Indian cannibalism?" asked Tom
creatively. (Gill Krebs) •
 •"I haven't had a date since Tom and I broke up," Mary cried
guilelessly. (Stan Kegel) •


 •A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean a mother.  (Pun of
the Day)•
 •There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both
plants and animals.  When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis;
and when the lights go out, they turn into animals.  But then again,
don't we all? (Very Punny)•
 •The window cleaner's boss often did spot checks. (Pun of the Day)•
 •Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low
earth orbit?
        They called it the herd shot 'round the world. (The Daily Groaner)•
 •Laser surgery on knees is done with knee-on lights (Pun of the Day)•
 •When he got the bill for the car repairs, he needed a shock absorber.
 •A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper (Pun of the Day)•
 •Did you hear about the guy that stayed up all night to see where the
sun went?
        It finally dawned on him.  (The Daily Groaner)•
 •An hourglass is a waist of time (Pun of the Day)•
 •Workers at the federal mint reportedly are threatening to go on
strike.  They want to make less money.  (Intl Save the Pun Fnd)•
 •His wife loved pottery making but for him it was just kiln time.  (Pun
of the Day)•
 •The farmer's new pig enclosure lacked a horizontal piece of wood below
the window. The architect really should have drawn the blue prints with
a pen-sill. (The Big Pun)•
 •After he started carrying a gun in his car the engine was soon shot
(Pun of the Day)•


 •“Why are you so depressed?” “The judge jacked up my alimony payments
again. Another cost of leaving increase. (Shoe: Cassatt & Brookins)•
 •Diner: “Hey, this bill is for everyone in the entire restaurant!”
Waitress: “Can’tcha read?” Sign in background: “No Separate Checks”
(Bizarro: Dan Piraro)•
 •Doctor with syringe in hand to patient: “We can offer partial
immunity.” (That’s Life: Mike Twohy)  •

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Date:    Sun, 10 Feb 2002 13:34:39 -0800
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Going against nature

Got this from my friend Ana E. Muss.

A few years ago, as a solar eclipse approached, some planetarium
directors in Southern California sent out warnings to the community
about the eclipse.  The planetarium received an indignant letter
from a local resident.  She said that if an eclipse was so
dangerous, they never should have decided to hold one and ought to
cancel it.

Is your boss reading your email? ....Probably
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Date:    Sun, 10 Feb 2002 17:53:08 -1000
From:    Mickey&Karen <mhenn@GTE.NET>
Subject: <No subject given>

John: Oh, Jill, I want to nibble on your neck!

Mary: How romantic!

John: I want to breathe into your ear!

Mary: How sexy!

John: I want to kiss your lips!

Mary: Which ones?

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Date:    Mon, 11 Feb 2002 00:52:46 -0500
From:    The Punk with the Stutter <thepunkwiththestutter@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: This Week's Horoscopes

By Lloyd Schumner Sr.
Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B.-Certified Astrologer =20

Aries: (March 21=97April 19)=20
Though you are unable to cultivate a reputation as a great lover of =
women, your reputation as an above-average lover of pancakes remains =

Taurus: (April. 20=97May 20)=20
You can probably put it off for a while, but eventually you'll have to =
figure out what all those sirens mean.

Gemini: (May 21=97June 21)=20
In time, Death comes to all men, but the way he keeps stopping by to =
have a beer and moan about the Steelers' AFC Championship loss is a =
little pathetic.

Cancer: (June 22=97July 22)=20
Your insistence that "if they wanted people to understand the penal =
code, they would've written it down somewhere" will only get you so far.

Leo: (July 23=97Aug. 22)=20
Your missing legs don't have to be a handicap.  At least not in some =
strange alternate universe where people are flying saucers from the =
waist down.

Virgo: (Aug. 23=97Sept. 22)=20
You'll save more than $40,000 by freezing your corpse in a bathtub full =
of ice instead of springing for the cryogenics.

Libra: (Sept. 23=97Oct. 23)=20
Even if you live to be 100, you'll never understand homosexuality.  But =
don't let that stop you from having sex with all those guys.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24=97Nov. 21)=20
Telling the waitress that you could make a better cup of coffee from the =
sweat on your balls won't do her any good.  Show her how.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22=97Dec. 21)=20
You will cry because you have no shoes, until you see a man who has =
several pairs he doesn't even wear.  Then, you will cry great, heaving =
sobs until you can hardly even breathe.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22=97Jan. 19)=20
You should have more folding chairs around.  If wrestlers come over and =
can't find one, they'll use something else.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20=97Feb. 18)=20
You should have realized long before the bag rotted away that the snipe =
isn't ever coming out.

Pisces: (Feb. 19=97March 20)=20
The stars say you should be patient and that it can't last forever.  =
They didn't say what they're talking about, though.
____    ____    ____    ____
=A9 Copyright 2002 Onion, Inc.

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