Digest for Saturday, February 09, 2002

There are 11 messages totalling 681 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Non-U.S. Olympians Asked To Unite Behind America By Finishing Behind America
  2. Enron Aid (Show that you care)
  3. Foood One-Liners....
  4. New film in town
  5. How Much?
  6. February 9th - Hershey Chocolate Company Birthday
  7. Ten Best Tools of All Time
  8. In The Armed Forces
  9. Is swimsuit modeling a sport?
  10. Good Sports: Whats Playing in Salt Lake
  11. Early game show responses


Date:    Sat, 9 Feb 2002 02:06:55 -0500
From:    Rollo Tomasi <rollotomasi718@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: Non-U.S. Olympians Asked To Unite Behind America By Finishing Behind America

"Don't Let Enemies of Freedom Celebrate Our Losses," Says President Bush

Park City, Utah (SatireWire.com)  Saying there could be no greater blow to
the enemies of freedom than to see the United States win gold, President
George W. Bush today called upon non-U.S. Olympians to unite behind America
by finishing behind America.

        The full text of the President's speech, given to more than 1,000
international athletes gathered in Utah for the 2002 Winter Olympic Games,

        "Good morning Olympians of the world, and welcome to our country.  As you
know, in the past several months, America's resolve has been sorely tested,
but with the unswerving support of allies new and old, we have come together
as a people, and today we are more confident than ever that our cause is
just and our ideals are noble.
        "Our curling team, however, is awful.  It is also true that our ski
jumpers, while citizens of a nation known as a pillar of strength, are not
exactly a beacon of hope.  And believe me when I say that we are a country
filled with a spirit that can overcome any enemy, at any time, in any place.
Unless it's winter and we're at the Olympics and a luge is involved.
        "And so we have a problem.  We have a problem because the enemies of
justice, the enemies of liberty and prosperity, would like nothing more than
to see America's weaknesses exploited.  They would like nothing more than to
celebrate our humiliation on the international stage.  You must not let this
happen.  I call upon you to help us strike another blow against the forces
of tyranny and oppression.  In these Olympic Games, let us win the golds.
Unite behind America by finishing behind America.
        "In this noble crusade  sorry, wrong word.  In this noble campaign, we
have already been pledged the support of our staunchest ally, Great Britain.
But they're no good at winter sports, so it doesn't help.  Instead, we need
our other allies, friends such as Germany and Russia, Norway and Canada, to
join us on the medal stand of freedom.  Specifically, one of you should
stand beside us and slightly down and to our right, and the other should
stand slightly further down and to our left.
        "It might also be a nice touch if you learned the words to our National
Anthem.  They're printed on the back of your ID cards.
        "I see many of you are shaking your heads, and I realize that this campaign
requires sacrifice.  After all, you have trained your entire lives just to
get here.  You dream of a gold medal, and honor for your country.  Those are
worthy dreams.  But now is not the time for petty nationalism.  Now is not
the time to give hope to the wicked who would revel in our losses, which, as
I understand it, we will definitely have in women's giant slalom.
        "Instead, now is the time to strengthen our coalition and steel our
resolve.  Now is the time to show the world your mettle by allowing the U.S.
to win all the medals.
        "Some of you, particularly those of you who are now shouting out words in
your colorful native languages, should also think on this.  Your efforts
will have meaning, not just around the world, but right here in America.
Last week, in the Super Bowl, a team called the "Patriots" won the game, and
a star-spangled halftime show won our hearts.  Now you have your chance.
What better tribute for you to give than to allow the United States of
America to win every Olympic gold medal, in every event, in front of the
home crowd.
        "But make no mistake, this campaign will not be easy, and it will not be
swift.  It will not be over in a night, or a day, or a week.  It will take
two weeks, if I read the schedule of events correctly.  Seventeen days,
actually.  But I believe it can be done, and it should be done.  As one of
our fine Olympic coaches said to me just before I arrived in this building,
"Mr. President, we will not waver, we will not tire, we will not falter, and
we will not fail.  Except in women's Super-G, where we bite the big one."
        "Don't let the evildoers say that Liberty bites the big one.  Don't let the
oppressors boast that Freedom is a loser.  During these Olympic Games, I
urge you: do your absolute second best.  Give it almost everything you've
got.  Let this be your penultimate moment.  Go for the silver.
        "Thank you, and may God bless you right after the Closing Ceremonies."
Copyright  2002, SatireWire.

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Date:    Sat, 9 Feb 2002 01:18:00 -0800
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Enron Aid (Show that you care)

Dear Friends:

Now that the holiday season has passed, please look into your heart to help

those in need.

Enron executives in our very own country are living at or just below the
seven-figure salary level...right here in the land of plenty. And, as if
that weren't bad enough, they will be deprived of it as a result of the
bankruptcy and current SEC investigation.


For only $20,835 a month, about $694.50 a day (that's less than the cost of

a large screen projection TV) you can help an Enron executive remain
economically viable during his time of need. This contribution by no means
solves the problem, as it barely covers their per diem, ... but it's a

Almost $700 may not seem like a lot of money to you, but to an Enron exec
it could mean the difference between a vacation spent kissing political
asses in DC, golfing in Florida or a Mediterranean cruise. For you, seven
hundred dollars is nothing more than rent, a car note or mortgage payment.

But to an Enron exec $700 will almost replace his per diem. Your
commitment of less than $700 a day will enable an Enron exec to buy that
home entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a new Ferrari,
or enjoy a weekend in Rio.


Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the exec you
sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate,

and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home. You'll also get
information on how he plans to invest his golden parachute. Imagine the
joy as you watch your executive's portfolio double or triple! Plus upon
signing up for this program, you will receive a photo of the exec
(unsigned-for a signed photo, please include an additional $50.00). Put
the photo on your refrigerator to remind you of other peoples' suffering.


Your Enron exec will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to

help in a time of need. Although the exec won't know your name, he will be
able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator just in case

additional funds are needed for unexpected expenses.


I would like to sponsor an Enron executive. My preference is checked

[ ] Mid-level Manager
[ ] Director
[ ] Vice President (Higher cost; please specify which department)
[ ] President (Even higher cost; please specify which department)
[ ] CEO (Contribution: Average Enron janitor monthly salary x 700)
[ ] Entire Board of Directors
[ ] I'll sponsor an Exec most in need. Please select one for me.


Already an Enron supporter? Don't worry, in this troubled economy, there
are many executives who need your help. Ford today is laying off 35,000.

The NASDAQ is deflated. Now you can show your patriotism and do something
about it. The Invisible Hand will allow supporters to substitute
executives from any downtrodden company listed on f**kedcompany.com. While
you may never own a Bentley, wear hand-tailored silk shirts, or have a
gentleman's gentleman; why deprive a worthy executive from ascending, and
more importantly, from maintaining the lifestyle he so richly deserves?

Imagine the feeling of satisfaction, the pure joy of knowing that your
sponsor ex-executive at the former spiltmilk.com will be able to have his
caviar and eat it too.

It's just that easy - do it now!

Please charge the account listed below ___________ per day and send me a
picture of the Enron executive I have sponsored, along with my very own
Enron "Keep America Strong Sponsor an Enron Exec: Ask Me How!" t-shirt to
wear proudly.

Your Name: _______________________

Telephone Number:_______________________

Account Number: _______________________

Exp. Date:_______ [ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [] Discover

Signature: _______________________

Mail completed form to "The Invisible Hand" or call 1-900-2MUCH now to
by phone. Note: Sponsors are not permitted to contact the executive
they have sponsored, either in person or by other means including, but not
limited to, telephone calls, letters, e-mail, or third parties. Keep in
mind that the executive you have sponsored will be much too busy enjoying

his free time, thanks to your generous donations.

Contributions are not tax-deductible.

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Date:    Sat, 9 Feb 2002 09:24:31 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Foood One-Liners....

Frankly, Scallop, I don't give a clam. (seen on Cape Cod)

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

My wild oats have turned to shredded wheat.

Ham and eggs - A day's work for a chicken; a lifetime commitment for
a pig.

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Date:    Sat, 9 Feb 2002 10:22:26 -0500
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: New film in town

LBNN Lake-braking News Network

Blueridge, WV (LBNN). City fathers here announced today that
because of the inclusion of graphic language, fortuitous
violence, frontal nudity, and sexual scenes in the new movie
now showing at the Bijou Cinema, children under 12 will not
be admitted unless accompanied by their husband.

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Date:    Sat, 9 Feb 2002 09:42:56 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <rwoodman@ATTBI.COM>
Subject: How Much?

From Diane

The owner of a Golf Course was confused about paying an invoice. So he
turned to his Secretary for some Mathematical help.

He asked her, "If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you
take off?"

She replied, "Everything but my earrings."

-=} Randall {=-  Absentee: A missing golfing accessory.

Need a Tagline?  Visit http://www.taglinesgalore.com/

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Date:    Sat, 9 Feb 2002 07:44:48 -0800
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: February 9th - Hershey Chocolate Company Birthday

In 1894, the Hershey Chocolate Company was founded by Milton Hershey. Hooray
for chocolate!

Chocolate is a vegetable.

How, you ask? Chocolate is derived from cacao beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar
is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants, which
places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable. To go
one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So
candy bars are a health food.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all
count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot
car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your
appetite, and you'll eat less.

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge.
Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to
protect themselves.

If you eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, the calories
actually counteract each other.

Money talks. Chocolate sings. Beautifully.

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today.That way,
at least you'll get one
thing done.

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in
one place. Now, isn't that handy?

If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you
can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An
entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can

Sandy (AKA MsSam)

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Date:    Sat, 9 Feb 2002 10:36:49 -0700
From:    Emko Witteveen <emko@MAC.COM>
Subject: Ten Best Tools of All Time

Forget the Snap-On Tools truck; it's never there when you
need it. Besides, there are only ten things in this world
you need to fix any car, any place, any time.

1. DUCT TAPE: Not just a tool, a veritable Swiss Army knife
in stickum and plastic. It's safety wire, body material,
radiator hose, upholstery, insulation, tow rope, and more
in one easy-to-carry package. Sure, there's a prejudice
surrounding duct tape in concourse competitions, but in
the real world everything from LeMans - winning Porsches
to Atlas rockets - uses it by the yard. The only thing that
can get you out of more scrapes is a quarter and a phone

2. VICE-GRIPS: Equally adept as a wrench, hammer, pliers,
baling wire twister, breaker-off of frozen bolts, and
wiggle-it-till-it-falls-off tool. The heavy artillery of
your toolbox, Vice Grips are the only tool designed ex-
pressly to fix things screwed up beyond repair.

3. SPRAY LUBRICANTS: A considerably cheaper alternative to
new doors, alternators, and other squeaky items. Slicker
than pig phlegm. Repeated soakings of WD-40 will allow the
main hull bolts of the Andrea Dora to be removed by hand.
Strangely enough, an integral part of these sprays is the
infamous little red tube that flies out of the nozzle if
you look at it cross-eyed, one of the ten worst tools of
all time.

4. MARGARINE TUBS WITH CLEAR LIDS: If you spend all your
time under the hood looking for a frendle pin that caromed
off the peedle valve when you knocked both off the air
cleaner, it's because you eat butter. Real mechanics
consume pounds of tasteless vegetable oil replicas, just
so they can use the empty tubs for parts containers after-
ward. (Some, of course, chuck the butter-colored goo al-
together or use it to repack wheel bearings.) Unlike air
cleaners and radiator lips, margarine tubs aren't connect-
ed by a time/space wormhole to the Parallel Universe of
Lost Frendle Pins.

5. BIG ROCK AT THE SIDE OF THE ROAD: Block up a tire.
Smack corroded battery terminals. Pound out a dent. Bop
nosy know-it-all types on the noodle. Scientists have
yet to develop a hammer that packs the raw banging power
of granite or limestone. This is the only tool with which
a "made in India" emblem is not synonymous with the user's

6. PLASTIC ZIP TIES: After twenty years of lashing down
stray hoses and wired with old bread ties, some genius
brought a slightly slicked up version to the auto parts
market. Fifteen zip ties can transform a hulking mass of
amateur-quality rewiring from a working model of the
Brazilian rain forest into something remotely resembling
a wiring harness. Of course, it works both ways. When
buying used cars, subtract $100.00 for each zip tie
under the hood.

GUARANTEE: Let's admit it. There's nothing better for
prying, chiseling, lifting, breaking, splitting, or
mutilating than a huge flat-bladed screwdriver, partic-
ularly when wielded with gusto and a big hammer. This is
also the tool of choice for oil filters so insanely located
they can only be removed by driving a stake in one side
and out the other. If you break the screwdriver - and you
will, just like Dad or your shop teacher said - who cares?
It's guaranteed.

8. BAILING WIRE: Commonly known as MG muffler brackets,
bailing wire holds anything that's too hot for tape or
ties. Like duct tape, it's not recommended for concourse
contenders since it works so well you'll never replace it
with the right thing again. Bailing wire is a sentimental
favorite in some circles, particularly with MG, Triumph,
and flathead Ford set.

9. BONKING STICK: This monstrous tuning fork with
devilishly pointy ends is technically known as a tie-rod-
end separator, but how often do you separate tie-ends?
Once every decade, if you're lucky. Other than medieval
combat, its real use is the all purpose application of
undue force, not unlike that of the huge flat-bladed
screwdriver. Nature doesn't know the bent metal panel or
frozen exhaust pipe that can stand up to a good bonking
stick. (Can also be used to separate tie-rod ends in a
pinch, of course, but does a lousy job of it).

10. A QUARTER (now its $0.35) AND A PHONE BOOTH:
(See #1 above.)


"All miseries derive from not being able to sit quietly
in a room alone."

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Date:    Sat, 9 Feb 2002 17:49:45 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: In The Armed Forces

An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35 lb pack on his back,
a 15 lb. weapon in hand, after marching 12 miles, and says "God,
this is SHIT."

An Army Airborne grunt stands in the rain with a 45 lb. pack on
his back, a 20 lb. weapon in hand, after jumping from an airplane
and marching 18 miles, and says with a smile "God, this is THE

An Army Airborne Ranger lies in the mud, 55 lb. pack on his back,
a 30 lb. weapon in hand, after jumping from a plane into the swamp
and marching 25 miles at night past the enemy, and says with a
grin, "God, I LOVE this shit!"

An Army Green Beret, Airborne/Ranger/Pathfinder qualified, kneels
up to his nose in the stinking, infested mud of a swamp with a 65
lb. pack on his back and a 30 lb. weapon in each hand, after
jumping from an airplane into the ocean, swimming 10 miles to the
swamp and killing an alligator, then crawling 30 miles through the
brush to assault the enemy camp says with a passionate snarl,
"God, gimmee Some MORE of this shit!"

An Air Farce cadet sits in an easy chair in his air-conditioned,
carpeted room and says, "The cable's out? What's a crock of shit!"


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Date:    Sat, 9 Feb 2002 15:15:40 -0800
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Is swimsuit modeling a sport? <risque>

Is swimsuit modeling a sport?

Yes: "You have to train, eat well and be mentally prepared.  It looks glamorous, but it's difficult."  -Stacy Austin, coordinator of the Pacemates, the Pacers' dance group

No: "You don't judge it, and there's no winner.  Well, when they're walking down the runway, they're all winners."  -Jim Kelly, Hall of Fame quarterback

Yes: "Much of sports today is entertainment.  Under that definition, modeling a swimsuit is a sport."  -Tom Welch, former head of the Salt Lake City Olympic bid committe

Yes: "It's a competition to see who's the best looking."  -Tommy Moe, former downhill skier

No: "But what some guys do with the swimsuit issue could be considered a sport."  -Brent Barry, Sonics guard

Yes: "You have to exercise and stay in shape to look good in a bathing suit.  Sounds like a sport to me."  -Cordell Henry, Marquette guard

No: "If swimsuit modeling is a sport, then bird-watching is a contact sport."  -Kim Graham, Louisville guard

Yes: "It's swimming.  That's a sport."  -Charles Oakley, Bulls forward

Yes: "It's physically demanding, and if you model it right, there's the potential to be tackled."  -Raja Bell, 76ers guard

Yes: "Those are beautiful women, and if beautiful women want it to be a sport, that's fine with me."  -Richard Seymour, Patriots tackle

No: "A model has a body that looks good.  An athlete has a body that does good."  -Gea Johnson, Olympic bobsledder

Yes: "The girls are sporty and they're hot, so I guess it's a sport."  -Teemu Selanne, Sharks right wing

No: "But I'd call it very positive entertainment."  -Brad Miller, Bulls center

+Source: Sports Illustrated, Feb. 11, 2002+

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Date:    Sun, 10 Feb 2002 00:10:20 -0500
From:    The Punk with the Stutter <thepunkwiththestutter@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: Good Sports: What's Playing in Salt Lake

A report from the 2002 Olympiad

Freestyle Panicking - This new addition to the Olympiad looks to be a
popular favorite with nearly every athlete competing at the games, not to
mention audience members, the press corps and Salt Lake City citizens.
Competitors may freak out in a variety of ways, including becoming jittery
at the sound of passing jets, expressing concern about the wiring of
starting guns, and leaving Salt Lake City for the month of February.

Inspiring - Athletes are judged on short summary films aired during NBC
telecasts scored with U2 songs and shot half in black and white.  Look for
stellar performances from snowboarder Chris Klug who is recovering from a
liver transplant, ace curler Akiko Katoh who was shot in the leg by her
father whom she had just saved from a building set on fire by some sort of
repressive government, and Jonny Moseley, a former pimp.

Sweeping - Similar to the sport of curling, sweeping requires intense skill
and concentration.  Contestants push the bristles of the broom against the
game surface in a sweeping motion (hence the name), in order to collect the
maximum amount of dust particles, stray objects or chunks of hardened mud.
Cleanliness is the goal, diligence is the key.

Looking Ridiculous - This year's competitions will take place at the Opening
Ceremonies (contestants judged on Oddly Colored Blazers, Plaid Shirts and
Some Variation on a Cabana Hat) and at the Speed-Skating Rink (Spandex
Bodysuits, General Lameness).

Nordic Combining - Countries compete to genetically combine the DNA of
blonde-haired, blue-eyed Norse geniuses in order to manufacture the highest
quality master race.  The victorious country will be awarded the gold along
with totalitarian rule over planet Earth.  Iceland is the favorite this
year, followed by Finland and Nigeria.

Osmond Hunting - Competitors are given the chance to significantly deplete
the cumbersome population of Utah Osmonds.

Tithing - A mandatory donation of 10% of every Mormon's yearly assets to the
Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, tithing is taken very

Figure Skater Heckling - Thoroughly soused contestants are positioned
rinkside during the figure skating competition.  America has a slight
advantage over Russia due to the presence of skaters Irina Slutskaya, Maria
Butyrskaya and Natasha Vaginaface.

Stroking - Contestants compete to be the most like a member of America's
hottest band, the Strokes, by donning tight ripped jeans and Converse Chuck
Taylor All-Stars, lashing out in awkward rage and taking advantage of
starstruck young girls.

Also look for these exciting competitions:

  Sock on Hardwood Floor Figure Skating

  Wrestling a Black Bear

___   ___   ___   ___   ___   ___
Copyright 2002 Modern Humorist, Inc.

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Date:    Sun, 10 Feb 2002 00:10:16 -0800
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Early game show responses

   These are from the days when game show responses were spontaneous and
   not scripted as they are now.

Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What
   will a goose do?
A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark.

Q: Do female frogs croak?
A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q: Imagine you are a child in your mother's womb, can you detect light?
A: Paul Lynde: Only during ballet practice.

Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how
A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q: True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A: George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes...

Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or
   a woman?
A: Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's

   really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he's
A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love you"?
A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q: What are "Do It," "I Can Help" and "Can't Get Enough"?
A: George Gobel: I don't know but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to
   get any during your first year?
A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing

Q: In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A: Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist
   camps. One is politics. What is the other?
A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q: During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A: Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q: According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into
   the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!

Q: While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo!
   Poo!" What does that mean?
A: George Goebel: Cattle crossing.

Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body - what is it?
A: Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected!

Q: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?
A: Charley Weaver: A divorcee.

Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your
A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for it's sex?
A: Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.

Q: James Stewart did it over twenty years ago when he was forty-one years
   Now he says it was "one of the best things I ever did." What was it?
A: Marty Allen: Rhonda Fleming.

Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and
   Has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A: Charley Weaver: His feet.

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