Digest for Tuesday, February 05, 2002

There are 13 messages totalling 639 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Illinois Man Wrecks Superbowl
  2. Puns of the Weak: 02/01/02 (Part 4)
  3. Brooms.....
  4. Cogito Ergo Sum (I Think Therefore I Am)
  5. Apparently a true story
  6. Old Perfessers Never Die, They Just Lose Their Class
  7. In Alaska
  8. February 5 - Horse Record Day
  9. smells
  10. race horse
  11. Top 20 Signs Youve Had Too Much Coffee
  12. The learning process
  13. This Weeks News In Brief < adult; language >


Date:    Tue, 5 Feb 2002 02:06:08 -0500
From:    Rollo Tomasi <rollotomasi718@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: Illinois Man Wrecks Superbowl

        Talks Nonstop About His Beer-Drinking
        Throughout Sunday’s Classic Nail-Biter

by Andy Borowitz

An Illinois man all but ruined Sunday night’s thrilling Superbowl contest by
constantly updating his friends about the number of beers he had consumed
and his progressive state of inebriation, his friends revealed after the

The game-ruiner, Ed Slivett, 26, of Evanston launched into his irritating
and relentless running commentary early in the first quarter of the St.
Louis-New England match-up.

"Man, I’ve had five beers already," Slivett said, as the surprisingly tight
contest got underway.  "Dude, I am getting a righteous buzz on."

As New England jumped out to an unexpected first-half lead, Slivett’s
friends hoped that the game would start to hold his attention – but they
were wrong.

"I’ve had, like, nine beers, and it’s not even the second half," Slivett
told his friends.  "Man, I’ve got to hit the head."

Slivett’s friends said that even as the Rams pulled even with the Patriots
in the nail-biting fourth quarter, the increasingly sodden Slivett continued
to prattle on tediously about how many beers he had drunk, how many trips he
had taken to the lavatory, and the alleged righteousness of the buzz he had

"Dude, I am like totally wasted," Slivett said, as the Patriots won the game
on a last-second field goal in what many consider the most exciting
conclusion of any Superbowl in history.

Later, Slivett called an old college roommate in Rhode Island to report on
his impressions of Superbowl XXXVI.

"Dude, I had like thirteen Buds.  I must have gone to the head ten times,
man.  I had a righteous buzz on.  It was awesome!" Slivett said repeatedly
during the lengthy 3 A.M. conversation.


        Enron Chief's Testimony Scuttled
        By Bizarre Shredding Accident

        Uneasy Lay Did Not Want to Appear
        With Arm Attached to Paper Shredder

by Andy Borowitz

According to a new official statement from former Enron CEO Kenneth Lay, Mr.
Lay failed to make his scheduled appearance before Congress today not
because he feared a "prosecutorial atmosphere" but because his shirt sleeve
was caught in a paper shredder and he could not get it out.

Mr. Lay was concerned that appearing before Congress with his arm still
attached to a shredding device "could give the wrong impression," the
statement says.

The freakish accident occurred late on Sunday as Mr. Lay was using the paper
shredder in the basement of Enron headquarters while other Enron employees
were away watching the Superbowl.

What exactly Mr. Lay was shredding when his shirt became enmeshed in the
shredding mechanism is a matter of some controversy.

Mr. Lay claims that he was shredding Sunday supermarket circulars featuring
coupons for Pop Tarts and Velveeta Cheese.

"I have never consumed Pop Tarts nor Velveeta Cheese and have no intention
of doing so in the future," the statement says.

But an employee at Enron's corporate cafeteria, speaking on condition of
anonymity, disputed Mr. Lay's claim, saying that the scandal-shrouded Enron
exec regularly ate both Pop Tarts and Velveeta Cheese.

"Jeez, even when he lies, he lies," the employee said.

In related Enron news, the bankrupt energy giant took another stab at damage
control today by naming its ninth new CEO in the last four days.

"Going forward, I believe I have what it takes to restore public confidence
in Enron and its management," said new Enron CEO Winona Ryder.
© Borowitz Report

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Date:    Tue, 5 Feb 2002 00:39:11 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Puns of the Weak: 02/01/02 (Part 4)

                        LONGER PUNS

 •Feghoot travelled into the future with a couple of vampires, who
discovered to their dismay that the only life form existing on the
planet was a race of giant turnips. Feghoot survived, but his traveling
companions both died. As everyone knows, you can't get blood from a
turnip.  (Archives)•
 •Undertakers Mal and Mel were storing embalming fluid. It was
considered appropriate to. place it in an area out of sight. Mel had his
share stored promptly but there as still a good .portion left for Mal to
take care of. When asked why he had not just stored it all , Mel said,
"The rest is for Mal to hide.” (Richard NcGarvey) •
 •A man walks into a bar and says, "Excuse me, I'd like a pint of beer."
The bartender serves the drink and says, "That'll be four dollars." The
customer pulls out a twenty-dollar bill and hands it to the bartender.
"Sorry, sir," the bartender says, "but I can't accept that." The man
pulls out a ten-dollar bill and the bartender rejects his money again.
"What's going on here?" the man asks. Pointing to a neon sign, the
bartender explains, "This is a Singles Bar." (Archives)•
 •One day I was building a bookcase and every now and then I would hit
my thumb with the hammer.  I would shout "Quack, quack!" then go back to
work until I hit my thumb again.... again the "Quack, quack". Well my
wife came over and asked why are you saying quack quack all the time? I
responded, "It's the only foul language I know." (B. J. Cassady)•
 •I had a publisher phone this morning saying he wanted a photograph of
me for inclusion with my latest article. Trouble was his deadline. I
tried sending it by Federal Express, because I didn't trust an
electronic transmission to have good quality. But I got delayed and
missed the Federal Express truck. I guess I'll just  have to face fax. (Archives)•
 •Having just completed a successful winter season of bowling, our
13-year-old son headed outdoors to practice his golf shot. When as
errant ball accidentally landed on the roof and rolled toward the
downspout, he yelled, "Gutter ball!" (Gail S. Angel) •
 •Pamela’s heart beat fast and her hands trembled a lot as she listened
to the intermittent  knocking on the front door of her shanty located
near the railroad tracks beside a hobo jungle, and she thought, “That's
a bum rap if I ever heard one." (Frankie D. Thompson)•
 •The lion and his ladies, in a fit of great hunger and rash stupidity,
attacked an old bull elephant. Needless to say, they lost. The lion and
his females were barely able to escape with their lives. Looking back
over his shoulder as he was running away, the lion roared, "You may have
run me off, you may have defeated me, but I've still got my pride."
 •Manatee, I just found out is an order of aquatic mammals found mainly
in the rivers of Brazil. Thank God they were not found in Germany during
the world wars. If they had been and the Germans had used them, what
with the Allied bombings et al - It could have caused the destruction of
U-Manatee. (Gunjan)•
 •Hans Zumouth, the butcher of Düsseldorf, growing more and more
desperate over the ever-dwindling supply of cheap meat in the
peace-ravaged community, resorted to trapping birds for use as
sausage-stuffing, then collapsed from the guilt of violating his sacred
oath as a gastrophysicist,  having taken a tern for the wurst. (John S. Flagg)•

                        FOR ADULTS ONLY

 •I went to get my vehicle emission test done today and, when it was
finally my turn, I asked the guy what time they closed. He said, "We're
open late into the night. In the trade we're known as 'nocturnal
emissions'." (Renee from Napa)•
 •Doctor, I'm having that dream again." the patient said. "Oh?" The
shrink replies.  "Which one?" "The one where I'm into sadism,
necrophilia, and bestiality.  Should I be worried or am I beating a dead
horse?" (Harold Clark)•
 •Fellatio: A taste of things to come (Richard Lederer) •
 •Men who make obscene phone calls have sexual hang-ups. (H C Gordon)•
 •How is a virgin like a balloon? One prick and its over. (Richard Lederer)•
 •Boy who go to bed with sexual problem wake up with solution in hand.•
 •When a newly married woman told her girlfriend that marriage was a
pain in the ass, her girlfriend replied, "You're doing it all wrong. " •
 •It takes many nails to make a crib, but only one screw to fill it.•
 •Did you hear about the guy who scheduled an appointment with an
impotence clinic? He had to cancel because something came up!  (Hershy)•
 •Gynecologist: Spreader of old wives tails (Richard Lederer)•
 •Why is sex like a game of bridge? If you have a good hand, you don't
need a partner . (Mike Spence) •
 •I guess you heard about the unfortunate Japanese call girl. No one had
a yen for her.  (Harvey C. Gordon)  •
 •Seven days on honeymoon make one hole weak. (Fuhrman)•
 •What did the leper say to the prostitute? You can keep the tip •
 •What did the battery say to the corn-chip? I'm Eveready. Are you
Frito-Lay. (Richard Lederer)•
 •Man who lose key to girl friends apartment, no get nukey. (Fuhrman)•
 •We live in a crazy world. Turn the men upside down and they're all
nuts. Turn the women upside down and they're all cracked. Turn them both
upside down and they're all screwy. (Able2Laugh)•
 •Arriving for her artificial insemination, Mrs. Aldiss was surprised
when the attendant locked the door behind them and began taking off his
clothes. "And just what do you think you're doing?" she demanded.
"Sorry," said the young man, "but we'rp0tw e all out of the bottled
stuff. I've got to give you draft." (Whitsome Wits)•
 •"I've never heard of anilingus," said Tom, tongue in cheek. (Gill Krebs)•
 •The teen couple ended their date at her house. She invited the boy in,
since it was early. As he sat down on the sofa she said, "Would you like
to have a lil' drink ?" He grinned and replied, "I'd like to have a
little -- period." "How very convenient." she mused. "'Cause that's
exactly what I'm having." (Michael Rogers)•
 •"What's this I hear about you breaking off your engagement Bernice?
said her closest friend."Well," Bernice confirmed, "Although his diamond
was of pretty good quality,  his mounting left a lot to be desired." (Archives)•
 •A farmer's daughter who attends the state fair for the first time will
get herself in a lot of trouble if she cannot keep her calves together. •
 •What did the televangelist learn from the sex scandal that plunged him
into disgrace? Thou shalt not put thy rod into thy staff. (Richard Lederer)•
 •Man who sucks nipples make clean breast of things (Fuhrman)•
 •Sodomist: Someone who likes to come from behind. (Richard Lederer)•
 •What do you call a chain of hotel rooms where midgets can stay for
nothing? Stay Free Mini Pads (Richard Lederer).•
 •Girls should not marry basketball players, they dribble before they
shoot. (Fuhrman)•

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Date:    Tue, 5 Feb 2002 05:00:28 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Brooms.....

Two brooms were hanging in the  closet and after a while they got to know
each other so well, they decided to get married. One broom was, of course,
the  bride broom. The other the groom broom. The bride broom looked  very
beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in
his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the  wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride broom leaned over and
said to the groom broom "Oh honey, I think I'm going to have a little
whisk broom..."
"That's IMPOSSIBLE!!" exclaimed the groom broom.

Are  you ready for this!!?

Brace  yourself; this is going to hurt....

Really bad...


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Date:    Tue, 5 Feb 2002 13:36:00 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@VENTURENET.CO.ZA>
Subject: Cogito Ergo Sum (I Think Therefore I Am) <Philosophical>

Rene Descartes sits down for lunch at a Parisian restaurant. The waitress asks for his
order. He orders a hamburger. The waitress inquires, "Would you like fries with that? "
Descartes says "I think not," ...and instantly disappears.

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Date:    Tue, 5 Feb 2002 06:16:12 -0800
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Apparently a true story

In the 70s in a magazine called Traveltrade in Sydney,
Australia there was a story about a Canadian Airlines
pilot who had a sex change operation. The headline was


I screamed the place down with laughter : to this day
remains my favourite risque headline. (Tracey Seven in

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Date:    Tue, 5 Feb 2002 07:36:50 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <PBenoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: Old Perfessers Never Die, They Just Lose Their Class

Back when the old perfesser was still actually teaching, he had
one student, a cheerleader type, who never seemed to make his
nine o'clock class any less than ten minutes late on the three
days a week they had class.
One day, he started his class by telling a joke about a local
business owner who had received one of those forms from the
government which had stated: Please list your number of employees
broken down by sex. He wrote back that he didn't believe that he
had any broken down by sex, but some of them did come in late
The class was chuckling pretty good when the cheerleader walked
in. The old perfesser raised his eyebrows and said, "I rest my
It took a few minutes before they could actually get anything
done after that - everybody was pretty amazed that he'd actually
said something funny.
Oh, and someone must have told the cheerleader about the joke,
because she was never late for class again.

       -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

While the old and MrsPerfesser were shopping at the mall, a buxom,
shapely young woman in a short, form-fitting dress strolled by.
For a quick moment, the old perfesser's eyes followed her.
Without looking up from the item she was examining, MrsPerfesser
asked, "Was it worth the trouble you're in?"

       -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

The other old perfesser wrote to let me know he's worried about
his friend, after he heard the old perfesser singing:

    "Mama don't 'low no paranoia 'round here,
     Mama don't 'low no paranoia 'round here,
       I don't care what Mama don't 'low,
       She's out to get me anyhow,
     Mama don't 'low no paranoia 'round here."

       -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

The old and MrsPerfesser were involved in a petty argument,
both of them unwilling to admit they might be in error.
"I'll admit I'm wrong," MrsPerfesser told her husband in a
conciliatory attempt, "if you'll admit I'm right."
He agreed and, like a gentleman, insisted she go first.
"I'm wrong," she said.
With a twinkle in his eye, the old perfesser responded,
"You're right!"

       -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

The old perfesser decides to go visit his long-time buddy, the
other old perfesser. Unfortuately, when he got to the other old
perfesser's town, he got hopelessly lost. He gives the other old
perfesser a call to get directions:
"Hey buddy, I'm coming over but I'm lost and have no idea where
I am."
"That's okay," said the other old perfesser, "just look at the
street intersection... there will be two signs - read them to me."
The old perfesser looks over and then says, "Okay, okay, I see them,
one says 'Walk', the other one says 'Do not walk'."
"Oh good," says the other old perfesser, "you're right down the
street. I'll be over to pick you up."

       -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --

The old perfesser's been getting a bit chunky, and MrsPerfesser's
letting him know about it every chance she gets.
They had invited a whole slew of guests over to watch the Super
Bowl, 'cause his best e-buddy's team was playing (NE PATRIOTS WON!)
and MrsPerfesser was whipping up some goodies for everybody.
She took a muffin pan out of the oven with her famous blueberry
muffins and set it down to cool. As she turned it over on a rack to
empty the pan, one of the muffins fell into a dishpan full of clean
water.  Being very frugal and not wanting to waste a good blueberry
muffin, she put it on a plate and sat it in the still warm oven,
hoping it would "dry out."
It was now time to put everything out on the table.  As she opened
the oven door, she noticed that the muffin had swelled greatly and
was more than double its original size.  Still not wanting to waste
it, she placed it on the plate with the rest of the muffins.
As was his custom, the old perfesser saw this monstrous blueberry
muffin and took it "before someone else could get it!"  As he bit
into it, water poured out all over him and his plate of food.  No
one other than MrsPerfesser knew why there was water in the muffin
but, needless to say, everyone was hysterically laughing.
MrsPerfesser, giggling, said, "I didn't do that on purpose but maybe
it will teach you that the biggest is not always the best."

"It takes two to tango, but I don't like old-timey dancin'."
         - The Old Perfesser

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Date:    Tue, 5 Feb 2002 09:12:33 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: In Alaska

A priest is sent to Alaska. A bishop goes up to visit one year
later. The bishop asks "How do you like it up here?"

The priest says "If it wasn't for my Rosary, and 2 martinis a
day, I'd be lost. Bishop, would you like a martini?"

"Yes, that would be nice.  Thanks."

"Rosary, get the bishop a martini!"


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Date:    Tue, 5 Feb 2002 06:36:20 -0800
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: February 5 - Horse Record Day <Slightly Adult>

In 1945, Big Racket became the fastest race horse ever when he ran 440 yards
in 20.8 seconds (a speed of 69.6 kph). In 1949, Huaso set the official high
jump record for horses, with a jump of 2.47 meters (a little over 8 feet).

The young male race horse came from a long line of winners, and did
wonderfully in time trials. However, in actual races he proved a little too
romantic, and could never quite bring himself to pass a mare.

So one day the trainer went to him and told him he'd have to be castrated.
The young horse, knowing that it was either this or the glue factory, took
it philosophically. After all, having the operation was almost a certain
guarantee of a long and illustrious racing career.

After a short recovery period, the horse was again run in time trials, and
found to do as well as ever. But the first time he actually ran in a race,
he only went about ten paces, before getting a dejected look on his face,
turning around, and ambling back to the starting gates.

"What's the matter?" asked the trainer. "You were doing great!"

"Yeah, well how would you feel," replied the horse, "if five thousand people
took one look at you and shouted, 'They're off!'?"

Sandy (AKA MsSam)

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Date:    Tue, 5 Feb 2002 09:45:23 -0500
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: smells <adult content>

The Old Perfesser and The Young Whipper Snapper happened to be getting
haircuts in neighboring chairs.  After cutting The Young Whipper
Snapper's hair, the barber asked, "Do you want me to put this lotion on
your hair?"  TYWS replied,  "No, it'll make me smell like the inside of a
whorehouse, and my wife would get suspicious."  After cutting The Old
Perfesser's hair, his barber asked him the same thing: "Do you want this
lotion on your hair?" The Old Perfesser said "Yes, please, MrsPerfesser's
never been inside a whorehouse."

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Date:    Tue, 5 Feb 2002 07:47:57 -1000
From:    Mickey&Karen <mhenn@GTE.NET>
Subject: race horse

A man is sitting reading his newspaper when his wife sneaks up
behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.

"What was that for?" he asks.

"That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pocket with the
name of Mary-Ellen written on it" she replies.

"Don't be silly " he says "Two weeks ago when I went to the races
Mary-Ellen was the name of one of the horses I bet on"

She seems satisfied at this and apologises.

Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she
nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold.

When he comes around he asks "What was that for?"

"Your f***ing horse phoned"

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Date:    Tue, 5 Feb 2002 18:18:12 +0000
From:    Randall Woodman <rwoodman@ATTBI.COM>
Subject: Top 20 Signs You've Had Too Much Coffee

From: Griff Evans

Top 20 Signs You've Had Too Much Coffee....

1. Juan Valdez names his donkey after you
2. You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked
3. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth
4. You sleep with your eyes open
5. You watch videos in fast forward
6. You lick your coffee pot clean
7. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze
8. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse
9. You can type 60 words per minute with your feet
10. You can jump-start your car without cables
11. Your only source of nutrition comes from Sweet & Low
12. You've worn out the handle on your favorite coffee mug
13. You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee
14. You've worn the finish off your coffee table
15. The Taster's Choice couple want to adopt you
16. Instant coffee takes too long
17. You want to be cremated just so you can spend eternity in a coffee can
18. You name your cats Cream and Sugar
19. Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position
20. Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup

-=} Randall {=-  A low-fat, high stress diet .... coffee and fingernails

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Date:    Tue, 5 Feb 2002 19:27:46 -0800
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: The learning process

First student: I stuff my head with facts and figures, regurgitate it on a test, then do it all over again.

Second student: Sounds like you have academic bulima.

+Source: "Luann" a comic strip by Greg Evans, Feb. 4, 2002+

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Date:    Wed, 6 Feb 2002 00:10:17 -0500
From:    The Punk with the Stutter <thepunkwiththestutter@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: This Week's News In Brief  < adult; language >

Showers With Girlfriend Increasingly Cleansing-Focused

TALLAHASSEE, FL— Over the past two months, Jeff Pinnock's showers with
girlfriend Angela Dunn have gradually shifted in focus from sex play to
actual body-cleansing.  "When we first started dating, she'd ask me to
'wash' her breasts, and I'd ask her to help me soap up my penis," the
23-year-old Pinnock disclosed Monday.  "Now, we both mostly just clean

Report: Recently Laid-Off Workers Not Doing Enough To Help Economy

WASHINGTON, DC— According to a Labor Department report released Monday,
Americans who lost their jobs in the past year are doing little to aid the
recovery of the nation's economy.  "Unemployed Americans are neglecting
their patriotic duties by spending far less than the gainfully employed,"
the report read.  "Until these laid-off workers start pitching in and buying
things, America's economy will continue to stagnate."  The report did note
that jobless citizens have strongly supported America's fortified-wine

Film Critic Belatedly Comes Up With Swordfish Zinger

AMARILLO, TX— Some seven months after the film's theatrical release,
Amarillo Globe-News movie critic Irwin Hough thought up a brilliant put-down
for Swordfish Monday.  "Make no mistake, I'm proud of the line I thought up
at the time, 'This Fish should have been tossed back,'" Hough said.  "But I
have to admit, that just isn't as sharp as 'Swordfish is one cold fish that
deserves to tank.'"

Philip Morris CEO Forces Senator To Dance For His Amusement

WASHINGTON, DC— Bored and in need of amusement, Philip Morris CEO Louis
Camilleri commanded U.S. Sen. John Edwards (D-NC) to dance for him Monday.
"Dance!" Camilleri told a whirling, diaper-clad Edwards as Buster
Poindexter's "Hot Hot Hot" blared.  "And keep the beat, if you want that
$275,000 contribution to your reelection campaign."  Later this week,
Edwards is slated to don a cowgirl costume and twirl sparklers to Phil
Collins' "Sussudio" for General Motors CEO Rick Wagoner.

Annoying Ad Turns Man Pro-Whaling

NASHUA, NH— A TV ad for WhaleSave sufficiently irritated local resident
Nathan Mimms to cause him to reverse his longtime anti-whaling stance.
"Christ, this is annoying," said Mimms during a Monday airing of the spot,
which features images of majestic whales rising out of the ocean as Enya's
"Fallen Embers" plays.  "Fuck the whales. I'd rather they go extinct if it
means never having to see this ad again."

Jerry Always Willing To Pick Up Overtime

BOISE, ID— Boise Tool & Die sources reported Monday that machinist Jerry
Tepper, 48, is always willing to pick up overtime, should anyone wish to cut
out early.  "I don't know, maybe his wife is sick or something," foreman Don
Jeske said.  "Whatever the reason, Jerry's the go-to guy if you're looking
to take off.  He just can't resist the extra cash."
___   ___   ___   ___   ___
© Copyright 2002 Onion, Inc.

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