Digest for Monday, February 04, 2002

There are 12 messages totalling 579 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. How To Explain Enron to Your Children
  2. Quote du jour
  3. A wise kid
  4. New Cabinet Positions
  5. Liquor Warning.....
  6. The Indian Chief
  7. Dangers of an Education
  8. Senior citizens, good news
  9. February 4th, Olympics In NY
  10. Teddy Bears
  11. Whos the fairest?
  12. A Presidential Proclamation


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Date:    Mon, 4 Feb 2002 02:05:32 -0500
From:    Rollo Tomasi <rollotomasi718@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: How To Explain Enron to Your Children

• Feudalism •

        You have two cows.  Your lord takes some of the milk.


• Fascism •

        You have two cows.  The government takes both, hires you to take care of
them, and sells you the milk.


• Communism •

        You have two cows.  Your neighbors help take care of them and you share the
milk.


• Totalitarianism •

        You have two cows.  The government takes them both and denies they ever
existed and drafts you into the army.  Milk is banned.


• Capitalism •

        You have two cows.  You sell one and buy a bull.  Your herd multiplies, and
the economy grows.  You sell them and retire on the income.


• Enron Venture Capitalism •

        You have two cows.  You sell three of them to your publicly listed company,
using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then
execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get
all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.  The milk rights of
the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company
secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven
cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns
eight cows, with an option on one more.
___
from rec.humor.funny


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Date:    Mon, 4 Feb 2002 13:23:59 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@VENTURENET.CO.ZA>
Subject: Quote du jour

A world that has no walls needs neither windows nor gates. (Anonymous linux
programmer)

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Date:    Mon, 4 Feb 2002 06:19:13 -0800
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: A wise kid

I figured that, at age seven it was inevitable for my son to
begin having doubts about Santa Claus.  Sure enough, one day
he said, "Dad, I know something about Santa Claus, the Easter
Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy."

Taking a deep breath, I asked him, "What is that?"

He replied, "They're all nocturnal."

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Date:    Mon, 4 Feb 2002 08:23:20 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <PBenoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: New Cabinet Positions

Guide To Our New Cabinet Positions


Capitalizing on widespread public approval of his new Cabinet-
level Office of Homeland Security, President Bush has announced
his intention to fill other holes in the government in similar
fashion. Many citizens have been left confused by the rapidly
expanding federal bureaucracy, so we here at Knowumsayin' have
combed the nation's newspapers and public records to provide a
detailed description of our new government agencies.

First on his executive wish list is a coordinating authority
to oversee the production of patriotic textiles. "It's been sad
to see the great nation stumble in producing the caps, T-shirts,
and flags needed to adequatedely respond to the events of
September 11th," the president said. "The new Department of
Patriotic Textiles will mobilize our patriotic textile
capabilities and see to it that we never again need to turn to
the Chinese in our time of need."

The president appointed his mother, Barbara Bush, as the first
leader of the new department. "She's one hell of a knitter,"
says Bush advisor Karl Rove.

In a show of bi-partisanship that has reigned since the terrorist
attacks on New York and Washington, Bush is also acting on a
request from Representative Richard Gephardt: the immediate
formation of a new Office of Airline Philanthropy. Gephardt,
standing at Bush's side, said "I'm pleased to be here to take
part in the nomination of US Airways CEO Rakesh Gangwal, under
whose leadership, the Office of Airline Philanthropy will ensure
that no airline, no matter how poorly run, will fail."

Also proposed are a new Department of Alarmism, and an Office
for Historical Simplification. The two cabinet agencies will
work together closely, the Office for Historical Simplification
boiling down complex histories to black-and-white slogans, and
the Department of Alarmism acting on misinterpretations of those
slogans to scare citizens witless at least twice a week by
suggesting further terrorist attacks.

"I sincerely hope that we will be able to more efficiently keep
the American people in a state of nervous panic," said Attorney
General John Ashcroft. Ashcroft has been criticized by pro-
alarmists for his performance over the past month. He claims
that he'd have been able to make more outrageous, vague comments
regarding the possible deaths of thousands of people if he hadn't
had his hands full with a criminal investigation. "I am ready
to work with the new Secretary, whomever that may be, to produce
truly terrifying and unsubstantial waves of alarmism."

Not everybody in Washington agrees that the new Cabinet positions
are a good idea. "The appointment of Pennsylvania Governor Tom
Ridge to lead the new Office of Homeland Security seemed an
isolated exception to the president's disdain for increasing the
size of government. I agreed with him. But now, well, I'm not
sure where he gets off," Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle said
on Meet the Press. "His proposal for a 'Ministry of Truth' is
sure to be upsetting to my constituents."

The Ministry of Truth, if created, would work hand-in-hand with
the Office for Double-Standard Clarification. According to White
House spokesman Ari Fleischer, "Claims such as 'Air Force One was
a target' need credible and demonstrable proof if they are to be
made. That's where the Ministry of Truth comes in; this executive
body will be responsible for finding - or fabricating - the
evidence to back up bogus claims of White House spokesmen and
presidential advisors. 90% approval is something worth preserving,
folks."

The Office of Double-Standard Clarification will be responsible
for explaining and dismissing apparent contradictions such as the
US seeking alliance with Pakistan and Iran in the war against
terrorist-supporting nations. As we went to press, few details
were available as to whether any qualified candidates have been
born yet.


     Written by the Reverend James Arthur, III.

          (c) 2001, Knowumsayin'?
        http://www.knowumsayin.com/




p.s. George has also named his mommy, Barbara, to the posts
     of Personal Hygiene Advisor and Boo-Boo-Ouchy Advisor.


***********************
Is it Osama or Usama, Koran or Quran, al Qaida or al Qaeda ...
More at eleven.


______________________________________________________
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intended for a specific individual and purpose, and is protected by law.  -
If you are not the intended recipient, you should delete this message and
are hereby notified that any disclosure, copying, or distribution of this
message, or the taking of any action based on it, is strictly prohibited.
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Date:    Mon, 4 Feb 2002 08:38:35 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Liquor Warning.....

Liquor Warning for 2002 from Health Canada


Due to increasing products liability litigation,Canadian liquor
manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following
warning labels be placed immediately on all containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
         happened to your bra.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering
         when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a
         retard.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends
         over and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that
         ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in
         the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
         converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical
         Kung Fu powers, resulting in your getting your ass kicked.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the
         morning and see something really scary.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable
         rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
         tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are
         invisible.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
         laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the
         time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally
         disappear.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

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Date:    Mon, 4 Feb 2002 08:59:15 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: The Indian Chief

An Australian travel writer, touring Canada, was checking out of
the Hilton. As he paid his bill, he asked the manager, "By the
way, what's with the Indian chief sitting in the lobby? He's been
there ever since I arrived."

"Oh that's Big Chief Forget-me Not," said the manager. "The
hotel is built on an Indian reservation and part of the agreement
is to allow the chief free use of the premises for the rest of his
life. He's known as Big Chief Forget-me Not because of his
phenomenal memory. He's 92 and can remember even the slightest
detail of his life."

The travel writer took this in and as he was waiting for his cab
decided to put the chief's memory to the test. "'ello, mate!" said
the Aussie, receiving only a slight nod in return. "What did you
have for breakfast on your 21st birthday?"

"Eggs," was the chief's instant reply, without even looking up.
The Aussie was impressed. He went off on his travel writing
itinerary, right across to the east coast and back, telling others
of Big Chief Forget-me Not's great memory.

On his return to the Hilton six months later, he was surprised to
see 'Big Chief Forget-me Not' still sitting in the lobby, fully
occupied with whittling away on a stick. Remembering that one local
had informed him that 'How' was a more appropriate greeting for an
Indian chief rather than 'ello mate, the Aussie greets him with,
"How?"

"Scrambled," replied the Chief.

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Mon, 4 Feb 2002 16:31:50 +0000
From:    Randall Woodman <rwoodman@ATTBI.COM>
Subject: Dangers of an Education

From: Griff Evans

Dangers of an Education

A kid comes home from college. His father is a farmer, and
he's shoveling  all the manure out of the outhouse onto
the hay crop to fertilize it. The  kid says, "Hey, Pop - I
learned in college that there is an easier way to  do
everything."

They go into town and get some dynamite. They're gonna rig
it up under the  outhouse and blow the manure into the hay
field. They get it all rigged up,  but they don't see
Grandma coming to use the outhouse.
Ba-Booom!

The manure goes flying, and so does Grandma. Ploop!
She lands in the hay  field. They go running up to her.
"Grandma, Grandma!
My God, are you alright?  Are you alright?"

She says, "Yeah, I'm fine. Phew! I'm certainly glad I
didn't let that one go  in the kitchen!"

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=} Randall {=-  Fifty Yards to the Outhouse by Willy Makit and Betty Woant

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Date:    Mon, 4 Feb 2002 07:46:50 -1000
From:    Mickey&Karen <mhenn@GTE.NET>
Subject: Senior citizens, good news<off older people>

Of memory, hearing, all the faculties, the last to
leave us is sexual desire and the ability to make
love.

That means that long after we're wearing bifocals and
hearing aids, we'll be making love.

We just won't know with whom

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Date:    Mon, 4 Feb 2002 09:41:27 -0800
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: February 4th, Olympics In NY <Adult, Maybe offend Canadians>

February 4, 1932 - The first Winter Olympics in the United States were held
at Lake Placid, NY. The venue would again be the home of the Winter Olympics
in 1980, when the U.S. Hockey Team won its “Do you believe in miracles?”
gold medal.

HOCKEY TERMS CANADIANS SHOULD KNOW
Wraparound--Visors worn by Europeans which piss off Don Cherry

Blueline-- Mark on ribcage from leaning over bar, replaying game

Redline-- Mark on new sweater from leaning over Wet Paint sign at penalty
bench

Net-- The 25% which goes to winner of 50-50 draw

Zamboni-- Machine used to fill arena with noxious, poison fumes

Deke-- "The Enforcer"--leads league in PIMs

PIMs-- Rating system for unskilled players

Offside-- Hitting on the team owner's daughter

Pass-- See Offside

Score-- See Offside--Also see "Traded"

Jock-- Scot who enjoys a wee dram before, during and after game

Boarding-- What a new player to town does until after having his first team
party

Rink-- Weekend hangout for parents

Bodycheck-- Test rink boards, glass, for durability

Slapshot-- Movie poking fun at Canada's national past-time

Hooking-- What the gal in the thigh-length boots up in Section 14 does for a
living

Shoot-- What religious kids say after missing wide-open net

#@$%&#-- What religious kids say after missing net in Week 2 of season

Scoreboard-- Place for annoying company signs and logos

Overtime-- Bar where players drink for free after closing time so owner can
feel important

Stanley Cup-- Trophy awarded to championship team just prior to opening of
training camp

Europeans-- Skilled players who refuse to watch Coach's Corner

Gross Misconduct-- The sometimes carryings on of very rich role models

Play by Play-- Break between TV commercials

Instant Replay-- New electronic means to prove on-ice officials'
incompetence

Predators (1)-- ANOTHER damned Yankee team....from Peoria, or Portland,
or....

Predators (2)-- Agents

Original Six-- Pre-inflation case of Red Cap ale; now called a Two-Four

Puck-- Nickname for the millionaire who sold Gretsky to millionaire now in
jail

Penalty Box-- Good place for TV closeups of players mouthing the "F" word at
each other

Sandy (AKA MsSam)
http://chucklesofchoice.com

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Date:    Mon, 4 Feb 2002 15:05:56 -0500
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: Teddy Bears <adult subject>

        A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar.  They talk, they connect, and
they end up leaving together.
        They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment,
she  notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly,
teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along
the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and
huge, enormous bears on the top shelf just below the ceiling.
        The woman is kind of surprised that this guy would have a collection of
teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but decides not
to mention this to him and is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
        She turns to him. They kiss. And then they rip each other's
clothes off and make hot steamy love. After an intense night of passion with
this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the
woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well how was it?"  The man says,
"You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."

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Date:    Mon, 4 Feb 2002 20:58:12 -0800
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Who's the fairest?

Did ESPN really need two hours on Sunday night to tell us that Derek Jeter and Anna Kournikova are the world's most beautiful athletes?  Then again, any show featuring Kournikova extolling inner beauty and supermodel Molly Sims quoting Walt Whitman deserves its own time slot--on Comedy Central.

+Source: Sports Illustrated, Richard Deitsch, Feb. 4, 2002+



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Date:    Tue, 5 Feb 2002 00:10:22 -0500
From:    The Punk with the Stutter <thepunkwiththestutter@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: A Presidential Proclamation

For Immediate Release
Office of the Press Secretary
February 3, 2002  - 1:02 P.M. EST

A Presidential Proclamation On The Importance Of Thick-Necked Men In Spandex
Grappling Over Balls

THE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon.  Today is Superbowl Sunday, when patriotic
Americans celebrate the Lord Jesus Christ's greatness by huddling together
in the comforting blue glow of 32" televisions, where they are voluntarily
bombarded by unimaginably costly advertising while watching
Bovine-Growth-Hormone-engorged high school dropouts brutalize one another in
the feverish quest to possess a testicle-shaped pigskin globe.  In the
process, not only are untold billions of dollars generated for major
corporations who support my 2004 campaign, but a whole new generation of
young people are indoctrinated into the philosophy that vacuously violent
spectacle and perverted athleticism are far more important than such faggy
pursuits as school or smartness.

And so today, with this great tradition in mind, I do hereby formally
declare the importance of thick-necked men in spandex grappling over balls.
These enormous persons, most of whom would be hard-pressed to read aloud
from a pop-up book, are our national heroes.  Now yes, I know I've spent a
lot of time over the last few months crowing about how little people like
firefighters, policemen, and armed forces enlisted personnel are heroes --
but I think enough time has passed since September 11th to get back to
reality, folks.  I mean, let's pull our thumbs out of our poopers.  When it
all comes down to it, we need to be honoring those persons whom the
free-market capitalistic system I so tirelessly champion has rewarded the
most.  And when you compare the salary of a spandex-wearing football player
to some mealy-mouthed public servant - I mean there's no comparison.  Hell,
a pro athlete's paycheck makes the gross national product of the whole
Godless continent of Africa look about as big as that Jewish porno troll Dr.
Ruth Westheimer.

Of course, we see the significance of this proclamation mirrored in many
other areas which are equally important.  Areas such as energy trading and
baseball, the latter of which yours truly turned a profit of 1400% after
investing a paltry $500,000 my father managed to secure for me from some of
his best buddies in the world of Texas high cashola.  Hallelujah!

NOW, THEREFORE, I, GEORGE W. BUSH, President of the United States of
America, in accordance with a joint resolution of AOL TIME WARNER approved
January 4, 2002, do hereby proclaim February 3, 2002 to be International
Grotesquely Freakish Athlete Day.  I encourage all Americans to express
their acknowledgement of the vital contributions these pseudo-humanoids have
made to our communities, our perception of human worth, and the very fabric
of our moist and wind-swept nation.

Thank you, and God Bless.
___________
©2001-2002 - a chickenhead productions parody

===================

Dilbert's Top 15 Items Your Boss Is Least Likely To Add To Your "To Do" List
as submitted to www.Dilbert.com

1.  Please correct me if I make a mistake.
2.  Perform a time study for my position.  I would like to know if I can be
downsized to improve the bottom line.
3.  You have way too much work.  Hire yourself an assistant.
4.  Leave the office in enough time to introduce yourself to your children
before they leave for college.
5.  Try out the new restaurant to see if it's suitable for future business
lunches/dinners.  (Pick up company credit card at - secretary's desk).
6.  Anything remotely related to my job description.  I'm sure my PhD in
Molecular Biology will be useful in finding his Mountain Dew cup.
7.  Replace all outdated PC's on the work floor with state-of-the-art stuff
so everyone can work efficiently.
8.  Fix those problem that we created "temporary workarounds" for two years
ago.
9.  Take an hourly break from staring at the computer.
10.  Close out the "Project That Will Not Die."  We'd say it provides job
security, but four people worked on it previously, quit, and it's still
here.
11.  Submit your resume to competitors to verify that we are paying you
enough.
12.  Prepare for a large raise, and promotion, in recognition of superior
work.
13.  Use some of that vacation time you've been forced to hold onto.
14.  Evaluate Hawaiian beachfront resorts for a possible office retreat.
15.  Just do this one thing, but take your time and do it right.
___   ___   ___   ___   ___   ___   ___
Dilbert ©2002 United Feature Syndicate, Inc.


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