Digest for Saturday, February 02, 2002

There are 11 messages totalling 444 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. SatireWires 2nd Annual Poetry Spam Contest (Part 4 of 4)
  2. It really was too late!
  3. Wake Up Call
  4. The Superbowl...... (fwd)
  5. Punxsutawney Pete Day & All Even Day
  6. You Know Youre a Mom When...
  7. Flying
  8. HeY DuDe....
  9. Paperless office
  10. Jim Mullens Hot Sheet
  11. The impact of Super Bowl Sunday on behavior in church


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Date:    Sat, 2 Feb 2002 02:05:32 -0500
From:    Rollo Tomasi <rollotomasi718@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: SatireWire's 2nd Annual Poetry Spam Contest  (Part 4 of 4)

Category:  FREESTYLE (Poems about spam)

RUNNER-UP:  "The 23rd Spam"
by Sam the Psalmist, Toronto, Ontario  (real name withheld by request)

The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures,
He leadeth me beside the still waters,
He restoreth my credit and consolidateth my debts,
For as little as $1,750,
If I act now.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil: for thou art with me,
Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me.
And can now be 50 Percent Larger in Three Weeks.
Guaranteed.

Thou preparest a table before me
In the presence of mine enemies,
Thou annointest my head with oil,
My cup runneth over.
But as an added bonus,
I will receive $1,000.00 cash,
If I complete thy online registration form today.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me,
All the days of my life,
And I will dwell forever,
In the House of the Lord,
Which I shall refinanceth,
To take advantage,
Of the lowest mortgage rates in years.


HONORABLE MENTION:  "Runo Roskapostista"
by Henri Ruukki, Helsinki, Finland

This story, sad as it may seem,
Is definitely boring,
I write it as if in a dream,
You read it and start snoring.

I'll have to leave a big chunk out,
I'll go right to the finish:
You wouldn't read the Spam I get
As all of it's in Finnish.
_____
Copyright © 1999-2002, SatireWire


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Date:    Sat, 2 Feb 2002 06:37:03 -0800
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: It really was too late!

The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and
his staff was helping transport many of the items. I sat the display
skeleton in the front of my car, his bony arm across the back of my
seat.

I hadn't considered the drive across town. At one traffic light, the
stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked
across and explained, "I'm delivering him to my doctor's office."

The other driver leaned out of his window. "I hate to tell you, lady,"
he said, "but I think it's too late!"

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Date:    Sat, 2 Feb 2002 08:00:11 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Wake Up Call

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big
problem doctor.  Every time we're in bed and my husband
climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell."

"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural.  I
don't see what the problem is?"

"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up."

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Sat, 2 Feb 2002 09:23:15 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: The Superbowl...... (fwd)

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Superbowl. As he sits down, a man
comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "No," he
says, "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a
seat like this for the Superbowl, the biggest sporting event in the world
and not use it." He says,  "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was
supposed to come with my wife but she passed away. This is the first
Superbowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1987."
Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you
find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbohr to take the
seat?". The man shakes his head. "No... They're all atthe funeral."

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Date:    Sat, 2 Feb 2002 07:43:09 -0800
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: Punxsutawney Pete Day & All Even Day

1-800-752-PHIL. If the groundhog sees its shadow on this day (that is, if
the sun shines today), winter will continue for another 6 weeks. Web:
http://www.groundhog.org/history/tradition.shtml.

SPECIAL TIME OF YEAR
Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't
know what day this is."

"Of course I do,"  he indignantly answered, going out the door to the
office.

At 10 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, he was
handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses.

At 1 PM, a foil wrapped , two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived.

Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.

The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. "First the flowers
then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a
more wonderful Groundhog Day or ANY DAY in all my life!"
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

It's also "All Even Day" - The first "All Even Day" in over 1,000 years
occurred on February 2, 2000 (where all the digits are even numbers). The
last All Even day was on August 28, 888.

Those of us who know military time are especially looking forward to
tonight, Feb 2, 2002 at 8:20PM ... when it will be: 020220022020

Now that doesn't happen very often!! :-)

Sandy (AKA MsSam)
http://chucklesofchoice.com

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Date:    Sat, 2 Feb 2002 09:02:27 -0700
From:    Emko Witteveen <emko@MAC.COM>
Subject: You Know You're a Mom When...

• You automatically double-knot everything you tie.

• You find yourself humming the Barney song as you do the
   dishes.

• You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start
   to sway gently back and forth, back and forth. However,
   your children are at school!

• You can never go to the bathroom alone without someone
   screaming outside the door.

• You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots
   mixed with applesauce.

• You weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken
   away, not to mention what Bambi does to you.

• You actually start understanding the Klingon language.

• You get so into crafts you contemplate writing a book
   called 101 Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells.

• You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only
   to have your teenager say, "Mom, why don't you wear the
   ones you pushed up on your head?"

• You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband,
   enjoying some real adult conversation, when suddenly you
   realize that you've reached over and started to cut up
   his steak!

---

"An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have: the
older she gets, the more interested he is in her."

     ~ Agatha Christie.

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Date:    Sat, 2 Feb 2002 10:48:44 -1000
From:    Mickey&Karen <mhenn@GTE.NET>
Subject: Flying<adult>

As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant  gave
the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts etc.
Finally, she said "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your
captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your
destination."
Marvin sitting in the 8th row thought to himself, "Did I hear her
right; is the captain a woman? I think I better have a whiskey and
water."
When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said, "Did I
understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"
"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."
"My God," said Marvin, "I'd better have two whiskeys and water. I  don't
know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."
"That's another thing," said the attendant, "We no longer call it the
cockpit. Now it's the box office."

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Date:    Sat, 2 Feb 2002 17:30:11 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <raneboux@BELLSOUTH.NET>
Subject: HeY DuDe....

In a physics lab, which involved light, electricity and magnetism, one
requirement of the course was to read the week's experiment before coming to
class. At one lab session the instructor wanted to see how many people had
actually done so.

"What are the two types of light?" he asked. The lab fell quiet until one
wise guy raised his hand and said, "Uhhh, Miller and Coors?"

__________________________________
RANEBOUX
        eternal
  ___====___====___
_________-----_________
          since 1903
 We support monkey business
             &
       BeeJum  Leakage Inc

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Date:    Sat, 2 Feb 2002 16:43:56 -0800
From:    Terry Tubman <ttubman@ANGELFIRE.COM>
Subject: Paperless office

Sally's warning signs of coporate cost-cutting:

#4: Managers start touting a "paperless" office.

Sally: Instead of filing paper memos, you want us to post everything on the office intranet?

Manager: No, I want you to commit everything to memory.  How are you fixed for gingko biloba?

+Source: Comic strip "Sally Forth" by Steve Alaniz and Francesco Marciuliano, Jan. 31, 2002+



Is your boss reading your email? ....Probably
Keep your messages private by using Lycos Mail.
Sign up today at http://mail.lycos.com

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Date:    Sun, 3 Feb 2002 00:10:39 -0500
From:    The Punk with the Stutter <thepunkwiththestutter@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: Jim Mullen's Hot Sheet

What the country is talking about this week...

1)  Super Bowl pools:  Bob in accounting just won $600.  He was so excited,
he forgot to shred sensitive documents for a few minutes.

2)  Winter Olympics:  Faster, higher, stronger.  The athletes are talking
about contract negotiations, product endorsement fees, and sports agents.

3)  "Fear Factor: Playmates"  You really want to see them tremble?  Give
them a math quiz.

4)  John Edward:  The "Crossing Over" host is developing a TV drama.  Will
the title have a J in it?  Or maybe an E?

5)  Mardi Gras:  A rowdy spectacle of debauchery and drunkenness.  I hear
they do something in New Orleans, too.

6)  "Birthday Girl"  Nicole Kidman plays a Russian mail-order bride.  The
bad news is she had to gain 100 pounds and grow a mustache for the part.

7)  Enron:  They're planning a merger with Kmart, Global Crossing, and
Andersen.  The new company will be called Moron.

8)  "Survivor"  The season premiere where they're stranded in the South
Pacific without food.  There's only one fate worse: to be stranded there
without TV cameras.

9)  Garfield:  There are plans to make a movie starring the famous lazy cat.
But he wants his cut in lasagna—gross, not net.

10)  "Slackers"  The latest in college kids' high jinks.  Remember, teens
and good movies don't mix.

11)  Lisa Bonder Kerkorian:  The mother of a billionaire's 3-year-old
daughter wants $320,000 per month for child support.  "No dinner till you
put your jewelry away!"

12)  Robert Redford:  The aging legend will receive an honorary Oscar for
his body of work.  It's the first time it's ever been awarded to a healthy
person.

13)  Noelle Bush:  The president's niece got arrested trying to buy
prescription drugs illegally.  There must be easier ways to meet Robert
Downey Jr.

14)  Dr. Loretta Lynn:  She'll receive an honorary degree from the
University of Kentucky.  In philosophizin'.

15)  Kim Delaney:  The Philly star has been accused of DUI.  But she thinks
she should get credit for swerving to miss all those little pink elephants.
___   ___   ___   ___   ___   ___   ___   ___
Copyright © 2002 Entertainment Weekly and Time Inc.

==================

Jai al-Leno in Paradise

        •••  Live from Camp X-Ray  •••

        It might not be the Sands Hotel, but every night at 11:30 Guantanamo Bay
time,
        the al Qaeda prisoners pony up the two-water minimum and enjoy another
        performance from the Mullah of Mirth, the Taliban's former Minister of
        Monologue, Jai al-Leno and his "Not-Ready-For-the-Geneva-Conventions
Players."

"How about these cages they've got us in, huh?  Eight feet square.  Chain
link all around.  Three meals a day.  A couple of towels.  In Kunduz, we
call that a DoubleTree."

"They've named this place 'Camp X-Ray,' although I can think of another
medical procedure that's a little more descriptive.  Actually, it's not so
bad.  They send a doctor around once a day to check us all out, and make
sure that we're healthy.  That's nice to have, but by Allah, the $10
co-payments are killing me."

"In case anyone needs to be reminded what we're fighting for, US troops are
still stationed in the holiest of holy lands, the West is waging war to
destroy Islam, and 'Moulin Rouge' has won three Golden Globes."

"The guy next to me on the flight over here was kicking and thrashing
around, so the Americans gave him some drugs to calm him down.  By last
night he'd used up all our toilet paper writing himself fake OxyContin
prescriptions."

"The Americans said they had to put hoods over our heads during the flight
because they were afraid one of us might chew through a hydraulic line and
crash the plane.  Now, some British newspapers are calling that a violation
of human rights.  Personally, I didn't mind the hoods, but I did think it
was cruel when they then coated the hydraulic lines with chocolate."

"Those American interrogations are really brutal, huh?  They shackle you to
a chair and force you to endure sensory deprivation, extreme heat, bitter
cold, physical torture.  It turns out they don't want to know anything about
al Qaeda.  They're just taping a Taliban edition of 'The Chamber.'  I also
heard that they Fox is doing a version of 'The Price is Right.'  You still
have to guess the price of a refrigerator, but they're going to take the
words 'without going over' and replace them with 'while covered in fire
ants.'"
___   ___   ___   ___   ___   ___
—by John Warner and Kevin Guilfoile
Copyright 2002 Modern Humorist, Inc.


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Date:    Sat, 2 Feb 2002 23:52:09 -0800
From:    Les Pourciau <pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: The impact of Super Bowl Sunday on behavior in church

"Realizing that this weekend is Super Bowl Sunday I thought it only seemed
appropriate to take the time to define some much needed terms to assist
those in the midst of this Sunday's church services who will be dreaming of

football, football, and more football:

QUARTERBACK SNEAK: Church members quietly leaving during the invitation.
DRAW PLAY: What many children do with the bulletin during worship.
HALFTIME: The period between Sunday School and worship when many choose to
  leave.
BENCHWARMER: Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do anything
  but sit.
BACKFIELD IN MOTION: Making a trip to the back (restroom or water
  fountain) during the service.
TWO MINUTE WARNING: The point at which you realize the sermon is almost
  over and begin to gather up your children and belongings.
SUDDEN DEATH: What happens to the attention span of the congregation if
  the preacher goes "overtime".
TRAP:  You're called on to pray and are asleep.
END RUN: Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or
  fellow member.
DEFENSE: The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon
  to affect your life.
BLITZ: The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer.

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