Digest for Tuesday, August 28, 2001

There are 8 messages totalling 341 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. August 28, 1995 - Banking History
  2. A couple of jokes
  3. This day and age.....
  4. Really, Dear!
  5. Grammar Lesson
  6. Another Blonde Joke
  7. This Weeks News In Brief
  8. It was a delusion


Date:    Tue, 28 Aug 2001 00:42:08 -0700
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: August 28, 1995 - Banking History <Adult>

August 28, 1995 -The biggest bank in the nation was created when Chase
Manhattan and Chemical Bank announced their $10 billion deal.

A little old lady entered the main branch of a large downtown bank with a
large grocery bag in her arms. She told the teller that she wanted to open
an account to make a substantial deposit, in excess of $200,000. Further,
she said that since such a large sum was involved, she would deal only with
the president of the bank to make the necessary arrangements.

The teller looked in the bag and confirmed that it was, in fact, full of
cash. He called upstairs and explained the situation to the bank president,
who agreed to see the woman. The teller escorted her to the president's
office, and the president invited her to have a seat, which she accepted.
She repeated her request to open an account.

The president said he would take care of it personally, but his curiosity
was killing him. He said, "Mind if I ask how you happened to come into such
a large sum of cash?"

"Not at all," was her reply. "I bet."

"You bet?" he countered. "At the racetrack, professional sports or in

"Nothing like that," she said. "I just ... bet. For example, I'll bet you
$50,000 that by tomorrow morning your balls will be square."

The president chuckled but, since the lady had the funds to back up such a
wild bet, agreed. They shook hands on it, she promised to return at nine the
next morning to follow up and left.

As the day wore on, the president found himself frequently checking to make
sure that all was in order. It was, but just as a precaution he canceled his
regular Tuesday afternoon golf match and went home early.

The next morning when he showered, he was actually quite relieved to find
that nothing had changed drastically while he slept. He confidently headed
for the bank, laughing all the way at the unexpected windfall that was about
to become his.

The little old lady showed up promptly at the appointed hour, accompanied by
a young man. When the president asked who he was, she replied that he was
her lawyer, who she always brought along when payoffs involving significant
sums were involved.

The president told her that sorry, she had lost that particular bet, so the
funds would be outgoing rather than incoming. She insisted on examining the
evidence for herself, considering the amount at stake.

He deemed it a reasonable request under the circumstances, so he stood up,
unbuckled his belt and dropped his pants. She proceeded to closely inspect
his jewels for any abnormalities. As she did, the president noticed that her
lawyer was standing in the corner, banging his head against the wall. He
asked the lady, "What's the matter with him?"

She paused her inspection long enough to glance at the lawyer and replied,
"Oh, him. I bet him $250,000 that before 10 A.M. today I'd have the
president of the bank by the balls."

Sandy (AKA Ms Sam)

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Date:    Tue, 28 Aug 2001 05:45:11 -0500
From:    Randall Woodman <rwoodman@HOME.COM>
Subject: A couple of jokes

Outside a pharmacy in a busy street, a poor man is clutching onto a pole for
dear life, not breathing, not moving, not twitching a muscle, just standing
there, frozen.

The pharmacist, seeing this strange sight in front of his shop, goes up to
his assistant and asks, "What's the matter with that guy? Wasn't he in here

Assistant replies, "Yes he was. He had the most terrible cough and none of
my prescriptions seemed to help."

Pharmacist says, "He seems to be fine now."

Assistant replies, "Sure, he does. I gave him a box of the strongest
laxatives on the market. Now he won't dare cough!"


A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys
a gun.  She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, and
when she opens the door, she finds him in the arms of a redhead.

Well, the blonde is really angry.  She opens her purse to take out the gun,
and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes
the gun and puts it to her own head.  The boyfriend yells, "No honey, don't
do it!"

The blonde replies, "Shut up!  You're next!"


One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the
preacher were the only ones present. The preacher asked the cowboy if he
wanted him to go ahead and preach. The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but
if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him." So the
minister began his sermon.

One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher
finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he had liked the
sermon. The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I
went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all
the hay."

-=} Randall {=-   I started out with nothing & still have most of it left

Need a tagline?  Visit http://www.taglinesgalore.com/

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Date:    Tue, 28 Aug 2001 07:34:26 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: This day and age.....

 Two priests were talking together and the older one said to the younger,
 "you know, when you came into church with all your new ideas, I had
  questions about how you were going to fit in and how well your ideas
  were going to work."
 "When you wanted to put bucket seats down in the front two rows of seats,
  I had my doubts. But now, at every mass, the seats are filled up with
  young people, so I have to agree that it was a good idea."
 "Then, when you wanted to "jazz" up the choir and we started singing
  newer, peppier songs, I was afraid it would offend the parishioners. Now
  we have a lot of new, younger choir members and the music seems to pick
  up the services a lot more than the old music. So, once again I have to
  agree that you were right!"
 "But when you wanted to put in the drive-through confessional, I have to
  admit I thought you'd lost it. But now, at least, there are more people
  coming to confession than ever.  I think you've come up with another
  good idea. However, the neon sign out front that says "Toot'n tell or go
  to hell" has to go!!"

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Date:    Tue, 28 Aug 2001 08:56:42 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Really, Dear!

On the way to meet his regular foursome, Joe gets delayed in heavy
traffic. When he finally gets to the club the starter tells him
that he had no choice but to send off his three buddies.  "But,"
the starter says, "there's a really nice lady who's ready to go."
Joe protests but the starter says that she's very nice and a
decent player.

Joe finally decides to play with her.

During their round, Joe realizes that he's having a great time
with her. They laugh, talk the whole time and, as the starter
said, she's a terrific player. Joe invites her into the clubhouse
for a drink after the round and it becomes 3 or 4 drinks in two
hours time. He then asks her to go out for dinner, and she accepts
his offer. After a great dinner, wine and dancing she invites Joe
to her home for a little coffee. Well, coffee turns to kissing and
fooling around, then great sex. Joe looks at his watch and sees
it's 11:00 PM and says, "Oh my god, I can't believe the time.
I've got to get home to my wife!" and he bolts out the door.

When he gets home his wife asks him where he was. He then tells
her, "Honey I can't belive what I've done. I strayed. I was on
my way to playing with the guys early this morning and I got
caught in traffic. When I got there, they had been sent out and
the starter sent me out with this woman. We were playing and
having a really nice time. We had drinks, then we went out for
dinner, then she invited me back to her place, we had coffee and
before I knew it we were in her bed. Bit-a-bang, bit-a-boom
clothes were flying, having sex. Then I noticed the time and said
that I had to run home to you, and here I am."

She thought about it for a minute, looked at him and said,
"You played 36 holes didn't you?"
Celebrity birthday today.....Monica Lewinsky turned 28!
Wow, 28!  It seems like only yesterday that she was crawling
around on the floor in the Oval Office.  [Thanks Les!]


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Date:    Tue, 28 Aug 2001 09:20:04 -0400
From:    Rose Vos (a.ka. Jenneaux) <Belllfem@AOL.COM>
Subject: Grammar Lesson

Teacher:  Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
Ellen: I is...
Teacher: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
Ellen:  All right. "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

Source: Unknown

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Date:    Tue, 28 Aug 2001 08:40:18 -1000
From:    Mickey&Karen <mhenn@GTE.NET>
Subject: Another Blonde Joke

 A Blonde goes over to her  friends' house wearing a T.G.I.F. tee-shirt.

 "Why are you wearing a  Thank God it's Friday tee-shirt on Monday?"

 "Oh shit!" the blonde says,  "I thought it meant Tits Go In Front."

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Date:    Tue, 28 Aug 2001 20:51:34 -0400
From:    The Punk With The Stutter <the-punk-with-the-stutter@HOME.COM>
Subject: This Week's News In Brief

Husband Apologizing In Sleep

OGDEN, UT— For the third time in as many nights, Chuck Grimstead apologized
to wife Olivia in his sleep Monday.  "I'm sorry, honey, I didn't
mean—hzzzzuwuh," the 43-year-old dentist muttered into his pillow at 4 a.m.
"Urmmm... never do it again."  Grimstead also promised to be more
considerate of his wife's feelings the next time he decided to hnnrghhhh
with his poker buddies.

New Robert Altman Film Released Straight To Special-Edition Director's-Cut

HOLLYWOOD, CA— Super Sunday, the latest film from acclaimed director Robert
Altman, will be released straight to special collector's-edition
director's-cut DVD, Daily Variety reported Monday.  The film, which follows
the parallel stories of 14 separate Super Bowl parties in different parts of
the country, is slated to hit video stores Nov. 30.  "Altman buffs rejoice:
This never-before-seen director's cut features 77 minutes of additional
footage not included in the theatrical non-release," Criterion Collection
spokesman Tim Page said.  "Also included are special commentary tracks from
Altman, screenwriter Anne Rapp, and some of the film's stars, including
Julianne Moore, Tim Roth, Lili Taylor, Matthew Modine, Michael Murphy, Bob
Balaban, Martin Mull, Henry Gibson, Teri Garr, Jeff Goldblum, Jennifer Jason
Leigh, Danny Aiello, Robert Downey Jr., Ned Beatty, and Lyle Lovett."

Trio Of Cutups Attempts To Hide Horse From Landlord

LOS ANGELES— Confusion, embarrassment, and severe cranial trauma were the
order of the day Tuesday, when local numbskulls Louis Feinberg, Moses
Horwitz, and Jerome Horwitz constructed a horse stall in their bathroom and
attempted to hide it from landlord Theodore Healy.  "Apparently, the plan
was to run a cargo-hauling business from their apartment," Healy said.  "But
in the end, as is the case with everything these three nutballs do, their
crazy scheme went awry."  According to Healy, the trio attempted to mask
whinnying noises coming from their bathroom by coughing, and explained the
large bales of straw in their closet by saying that they were "homesick for

Dome-Home Sales Somehow Manage To Dip Even Lower

AUGUSTA, ME— Despite already negligible figures, sales of geodesic-dome
dwellings somehow managed to drop even further in the second quarter of
2001, Alternative Homes magazine reported Tuesday.  "Last year, I sold just
one dome, to some hippie who'd inherited $80,000," Augusta dome-home-kit
salesman Bruce Wyner said.  "I figured, hey, it's his money."  Geodesic
domes are currently the worst-selling alternative dwelling in the U.S.,
followed closely by the yurt.

Community Rallies To Save Eyesore

HUBBARD, IA— Hubbard residents came out in force Monday to protest the
planned Sept. 1 demolition of an unsightly, 1930s-era silo to make room for
a halfway house and library.  "This rusted, structurally unsound monstrosity
is part of our shared heritage," said Save Our Silos president Ivy Case,
handcuffing herself to the eyesore.  "Tearing down this dilapidated,
dangerous hulk would be like tearing the ugly heart out of this town."
___   ___   ___   ___   ___   ___
© Copyright 2001 Onion, Inc.

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Date:    Wed, 29 Aug 2001 09:25:54 +0800
From:    Yeow Jit San (Benjamin) (Central) <JSYEOW@DIGI.COM.MY>
Subject: It was a delusion

 The new inmate at the mental hospital announced in a
 loud voice that he was the famous British naval hero,
 Lord Nelson. This was particularly interesting, because
 the institution already had a "Lord Nelson."

 The head psychiatrist, after due consideration, decided
 to put the two men in the same room, feeling that the
 similarity of their delusions might prompt an adjustment
 in each that would help in curing them. It was a
 calculated risk, of course, for the two men might react
 violently to one another, but they were introduced and
 then left alone and no disturbance was heard from the
 room that night.

 The next morning, the doctor had a talk with his new
 patient and was more than pleasantly surprised when he
 was told "Doctor, I've been suffering from a delusion. I
 know now that I am not Lord Nelson."

 "That's wonderful," said the doctor.

 "Yes," said the patient, smiling demurely, "I'm Lady

 Courtesy of Crazie.Net Humor Mailing List <crazie@crazie.net>

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