Digest for Thursday, August 23, 2001

There are 14 messages totalling 580 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Adding it up
  2. The Robot Secretary
  3. Headline News Makeover
  4. The Texan
  5. Tell Me Gently.....
  6. KINKY ! ! !
  7. Quickies
  8. Limerick
  9. For rent
  10. Virgo, the Virgin (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
  11. mule
  12. NADA from nuttin still mucho naddda daaudah
  13. At the ski lodge [Adultish]
  14. Arkansas hunters


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Date:    Thu, 23 Aug 2001 01:05:53 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau <Pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Adding it up

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Luke's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make
her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror
applying the "miracle" products she asked, "Darling, honestly what age
would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Luke replied, "Judging from your skin,
twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty-five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Luke interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."

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Date:    Thu, 23 Aug 2001 15:58:38 +0800
From:    Yeow Jit San (Benjamin) (Central) <JSYEOW@DIGI.COM.MY>
Subject: The Robot Secretary <ADULT>

 "Seen my new secretary?" asked the businessman.

 "Yeah," his buddy replied, "she's gorgeous."

 "Well, she's a Robot, the latest model from Japan."

 "Jeez, that's amazing!  What can she do?"

 "If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you
 squeeze her right tit, she types 185 wpm for you. And
 when you screw her it feels better than the real thing."

 "Sounds perfect."

 "l almost hurt once, though."

 "How?"

 "Well," he grimaced, "let's just say I didn't know her ass
 was a pencil sharpener."

 ---------------------------------------------------------------
 Courtesy of Crazie.Net Humor Mailing List <crazie@crazie.net>
 http://crazie.net
 ---------------------------------------------------------------

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Date:    Thu, 23 Aug 2001 06:37:35 -0400
From:    The Punk With The Stutter <the-punk-with-the-stutter@HOME.COM>
Subject: Headline News' Makeover

Last week, CNN Headline News unveiled its much-hyped makeover, intended to
lure younger viewers. Among the changes:

•  "Factoids" replaced with easier to understand "Factoidoids"

•  Anchors help viewers understand complex stories by interjecting, "That's
good," or "That's bad"

•  "No-repeat Mondays"  Hear the same story twice and win a Headline News
Ford Explorer or other great prizes.

•  During slow news days, bikini clad anchorwoman just sucks noisily on
popsicle

•  International stories feature helpful background info like, 'This is the
Dragonball Z country," or "Burritos are from here"

•  CNN logo on fire

•  When footage of President 8ush is aired, his body digitally replaced with
Halle Berry's

•  Anchors renamed "NJs"

•  On bottom of screen, viewer requests scroll past:  "Alan Grnspan rulez!
More stuff bout him cuz he's DA BOMB!!!"
___   ___   ___   ___   ___   ___
© Copyright 2001 Onion, Inc.

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Date:    Thu, 23 Aug 2001 05:44:26 -0500
From:    Randall Woodman <rwoodman@HOME.COM>
Subject: The Texan

A Texan died and ascended into Heaven. St. Peter met him and welcomed him,
saying "You will certainly enjoy Paradise."

The Texan shook his head sadly and said "I always thought that TEXAS was
Paradise."

St. Peter said "Well, let me show you what we have to offer." He took the
Texan to an area that had a beautiful river flowing through it with wildlife
and flowers everywhere. "Isn't this beautiful?" said St. Peter

The Texan replied, "Yes, but not as pretty as the area around SAN ANTONIO."

Somewhat ruffled, St. Peter took him to another area where there were
rolling hills, white tail deer and bluebonnets and Indian Paintbrush
everywhere. "Now" said St. Peter "Have you ever seen anything so wonderful?"

The Texan paused and said "Yes, it is beautiful but it does not hold a
candle to the TEXAS HILL COUNTRY in the springtime."

Becoming more upset, St. Peter then took the Texan to a beautiful white
beach, with gentle waves, and an azure sky. "Now have you seen anything this
beautiful in Texas" said St. Peter.

The Texan smiled and said "I guess you've never been to SOUTH PADRE ISLAND".

At this point, St. Peter took the Texan to a large rock. On the side of the
rock was a huge iron door. St. Peter opened the door and they stepped into
an elevator and started going down. As they descended, it grew more and more
hot. When the elevator door open, it revealed the fires of damnation - - -
Hell.

St. Peter said "Now, have you got anything in Texas that can top that?"

The Texan thought a moment and shook his head. "No, but I know a couple of
old boys from HOUSTON that can put that thing out for you."

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=} Randall {=-   I am Texan of Borg, y'all's Fixin' to be 'simmilated!

Need a tagline?  Visit http://www.taglinesgalore.com/

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Date:    Thu, 23 Aug 2001 07:23:39 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Tell Me Gently.....

 A man finally decides to go on the vacation of his life. He had been
 putting it off because he owned a prize winning cat and he also looked
 after his aging mother who lived next door. After much worrying he
 decided to leave his cat in his brother's care and take the vacation he'd
 so long put off. "OK," he told his brother "Take good care of my cat and
 check in on Mom every day."
 "Yeah, yeah," said the less responsible brother "I'll take care of
  everything, you just go on your stupid vacation." So the vacation
  started by him being dropped off at the airport by his now
 "responsible" brother.

 After two weeks the man returned from his trip and his brother picked him
 up at the airport. Getting into the car the man immediately asked "How's
 my cat doing?"
 "Your cat's dead." came the reply from his brother. "WHAT?" asked the man
  in total shock. "I said Your cat's dead." said the brother. "My God man,
  don't you have any feelings?" said the man in disbelief. "You don't just
  blurt out something like that!"
 "Well," said the brother "What should I say then?"
 "You should break news like that slowly and allow time for the person
  hearing it to prepare themselves for the shock....not just 'you cat's
  dead" came the reply.
 "OK, Like how?" asked the non feeling brother.
 "Well, this, 'Your cat was sitting on the window sill watching some birds
  outside and he went out on the roof to try to catch them and he
  accidentally fell off the roof and unfortunately he died." See, how it
  allows me time to anticipate that something might be wrong and to
  prepare myself for something unexpected? It's not so much of a shock
  that way." said the now grieving brother. "So try to be a little more
  considerate of others feelings, OK?"
 "OK," said the brother "I'm sorry I broke it to you that way."
 "OK," said the ex-cat owner "Now, let's try to get back to some normalcy.
  How's Mom?"
 "Well," said the brother "Mom was sitting on the window sill watching
  some birds...."

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Date:    Thu, 23 Aug 2001 08:16:37 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <PBenoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: KINKY ! ! !

You Know You're Kinky When ...

... you have more toys than your kids.

... you take up macramι, just to learn some new knots.

... you have a list by the phone for the baby-sitter:
       Hospital, Family, and three 24 hour locksmiths.

... you try to get arrested, just for the handcuffs, body
    cavity search, humiliation scene and time in the cage.

... leather companies start giving you the wholesale-to-
    distributor discount.

... you can't pass a candle factory without drooling
    or wetting your seat.

... your children ask if they can borrow your "costumes"
    for Halloween.

... your body piercings set off the metal detectors at
    the court house.


************************
I'd walk a mile for one of your smiles ...
 ... and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.



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Date:    Thu, 23 Aug 2001 10:59:20 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Quickies

One difference between whiskey and children is that whiskey
improves with age!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Never raise a finger to your child... use the entire hand!
A pat on the back for encouragement: a bit lower and harder when
necessary.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Of course kids are confused, today! At home their folks tell the
dog to "Speak" and the kids to "Shut up!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My son's on the verge of adulthood and is really scared by the
sign I put in his room: CHECK OUT TIME IS EIGHTEEN YEARS!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Every Christmas morning, when my kids were little, I read them
the nativity story out of the big family bible. When my son was
old enough to talk, he asked me what a stable was. I thought for
a moment how to explain it to him in terms he could understand,
then told him, "It's something like your sister's room, but with-
out a stereo."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When my daughters were little, they'd play house with the
neighborhood boys. When they got older, the boys wanted to play
"Dude Ranch." My daughters asked how you played "dude ranch."
Basically, it's the same as playing house, but with a lot more
horsing around.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Christmas is the time of year when we can give back to our
children everything they have given us: but how do you gift-wrap
high blood pressure?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Until recently, my household consisted of a cat that answered to
"Here Kitty,' a dog that answered to, "C'mon boy!" and three kids
that would not answer to anybody!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The best time to shop for food is when the kids aren't hungry:
which is why we could never take the kids to the store.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Teach your children to find themselves: If they want to find
themselves at the dinnertable, they need to find a job.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Got my son a tee-shirt that says THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE FREE.
It cost fourteen bucks!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A journey of a thousand miles usually begins with but a single
step.  And it's usually a five-year-old going back to use the
bathroom!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm worried about some of these hate groups are getting into the
summer camp business. One counselor's got a funny haircut and
goofy little mustache. He works at a place called MEIN KAMP
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The problem with having children isn't that you have another mouth
to feed, but one that, when they become teenagers, you'll have to
listen to.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Thu, 23 Aug 2001 11:23:43 -0400
From:    Bruce Chilton <bchilton@OPTONLINE.NET>
Subject: Limerick <off to the hyper- religious>

From the depths of the crypt of St. Giles
came a cry which was heard round for miles
"Oh, my goodness gracious", said Brother Ignatius,
"I didn't know the vicar had piles"

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Date:    Thu, 23 Aug 2001 11:57:18 -0400
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: For rent <adult>

Translated from Blagues-L

Sir,
Having learned that you are interested in lodging, I am pleased to inform
you that I have for you, should you be interested, a nice front apartment,
with neat lawn on both sides of the principal entry, which was formally
very narrow but which has now been enlarged by the first renter.

Some have found the lodging humid but have not been inconvenienced by
that. The temperature is always the same, no matter what the season.  The
only inconvenience is the arrival of foreign visitors who come for a few
days each month.

There is also a little rear entry, hidden by two large pieces of terrain,
and I make sure that no one enters that way.  Once I had to get rid of a
renter who insisted in wanting to come in that doorway, which I reserved
for my personal needs.

Several offers have come to me, but I don't care for people who just come
and go.  They often back out without notice and also create a mess.  I am
hoping to find a renter experienced in gardening, who knows how to keep
the grass watered and keep the property up.

Gas is installed in the rear, and water in the front.  The electric
button, which is very sensitive, is found at the front.

Persuaded that you will be pleased, I am available to show you the
property and will give you my full attention.

Miss Beaunichon

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Date:    Thu, 23 Aug 2001 10:03:11 -0700
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: Virgo, the Virgin (Aug 23 - Sept 22)

EXCUSES OF THE ZODIAC
ARIES: I didn't do it. They dared me to do it. I didn't know it was loaded.
I had to do it. I had no idea I was going so fast. It was an accident. It's
a free country man. I can do what I want to do.

TAURUS: It was on sale. I didn't know that it would cost that much. I though
I was saving money. I meant to bring it back sooner. I had a sore throat.
I've been doing it that way for years.

GEMINI: Huh? What? I don't know what you're talking about. Who, me? I had no
idea this would happen. My (sister, brother) did it. I had a cold.

CANCER: It's practically a family tradition. I felt like doing it. I didn't
feel like doing it. They put something in the water supply. I had a stomach
ache. It all started in my childhood.

LEO: I didn't know anybody was watching. I wasn't thinking clearly, I had a
fever. I have special privileges. I had a back ache.

VIRGO: My accountant told me it was OK. My doctor told me to do it. I didn't
know what I was doing. I couldn't help myself. My allergies were acting up.
It was that damn medicine.

LIBRA: I only did it because my spouse does it. (He, She, It, The devil)
made me do it. I was having personal problems. Can we compromise on this
somehow?

SCORPIO: I was in the mood. It's a tax write off. I didn't think I'd get
caught. I didn't mean to do it. No one else has to know about it. Get a
warrant. Talk to my lawyer. They thought I was going to die. I didn't know
what the hell I was doing.

SAGITTARIUS: I had to do it or somebody would sue me. My lawyer told me it
was OK. What's the big deal? The government's to blame. It's a (racist,
sexist, politically incorrect) thing. It must have been something I ate.

CAPRICORN: It's nothing serious. I was only following orders. It all
happened so fast. I had to see a doctor. My job got to me. We really need
the money.

AQUARIUS: Everybody else was doing it. It was the cool thing to do. My
computer had a virus. So what? What are you going to do about it? Who cares
about the stupid rules anyway?

PISCES: I was under the influence. God told me to do it. I was doing God's
will. They put something in my food. I thought I could stop before any real
damage was done. I didn't notice what time it was. I forgot. Did I really
have that many?
(Author Unknown)

Sandy (AKA Ms Sam)
http://www.chucklesofchoice.com

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Date:    Thu, 23 Aug 2001 07:47:45 -1000
From:    Mickey&Karen <mhenn@GTE.NET>
Subject: mule

A city boy moved to the country and bought a mule from an old farmer for
$100. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day. The next day, the
farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some bad news. The mule died."

"Well,then,just give me my money back."

"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

 "OK, then. Just unload the mule."

 "What ya gonna do with him?"

 "I'm going to raffle him off."

"You can't raffle off a dead mule!"

"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with the city boy and asked, "Whatever
happened with that dead mule?"

"I raffled him off. I sold a hundred tickets at two dollars apiece and made
a hundred and ninety-eight dollar profit."

"Didn't anyone complain?"

"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

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Date:    Thu, 23 Aug 2001 18:12:03 -0500
From:    RANEBOUX <raneboux@BELLSOUTH.NET>
Subject: NADA from nuttin still mucho naddda daaudah

The Spanish Conquistadors were making a map of their colonies (they
owned
all of America, South and North). They started drawing in the lines from

down south -- territory they knew well -- and worked their way up.
Everything was going fine until they got to the New York Harbor area.
"Hey,
what's up there?" the map maker asked the governor, pointing to the vast

emptiness above the Great Lakes.

The governor answered: "Here? (in Spanish: "Aca?"). Nothing (in Spanish:

"Nada"). Hence the great blank emptiness became known as ACA-NADA, or in

English, "There ain't nothin' here."

Which, as anyone who has lived in Canada will testify, is pretty darned
close to the truth. Eh?

__________________________________
RANEBOUX
        eternal
  ___====___====___
_________-----_________
          since 1903
 We support monkey business
        & any other un-natural acts

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Date:    Thu, 23 Aug 2001 22:14:15 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau <Pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: At the ski lodge [Adultish]

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Three guys go to a ski lodge. There aren't enough rooms, so they have to
share a bed.

In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had
this wild, vivid dream last night of getting a hand job!"

The guy on the left wakes up and unbelievably, he's had the same dream too.

Then the guy in the middle wakes up and exclaims, "That's funny, I dreamed
that I was skiing!"


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Date:    Fri, 24 Aug 2001 00:08:36 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau <Pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Arkansas hunters

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A couple of Arkansas hunters are out in the woods when one of
them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes
are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy.
I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.....

The hunter says, "OK, now what?"

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