Digest for Tuesday, August 21, 2001

There are 11 messages totalling 544 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Under The Spell Of A Witch
  2. Computer Password.....
  3. The Maid
  4. Pre-Relationship Agreement (Part 1 of 2)
  5. REDUCING STRESS: Special to The Valdoster Daily Snooze
  6. Jesus will lift us up!
  7. News Flash
  8. Things you never learned in kiddygarten
  9. August 21, 1959 - Hawaii becomes the 50th State.
  10. This Weeks News In Brief
  11. Why worry? Be happy! [Adultish]


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Date:    Tue, 21 Aug 2001 14:42:48 +0800
From:    Yeow Jit San (Benjamin) (Central) <JSYEOW@DIGI.COM.MY>
Subject: Under The Spell Of A Witch

 Once upon a time there was a Prince who, through no
 fault of his own, was cast under a spell by an evil witch.
 The curse was that the Prince could speak only one
 word each year. However, he could save up the words so
 that if he did not speak for a whole year, then the
 following year he was allowed to speak two words.

 One day he met a beautiful princess - ruby lips, golden
 hair, sapphire eyes - and fell madly in love. With the
 greatest difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking for
 two whole years so that he could look at her and say,
 "My darling".

 But at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that
 he loved her. Because of this he waited three more years
 without speaking - bringing the total number of silent
 years to 5.

 But at the end of these five years he realized that he had
 to ask her to marry him. So he waited ANOTHER four
 years without speaking. Finally, as the ninth year of
 silence ended, his joy knew no bounds.

 Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and
 romantic place in that beautiful royal garden the prince
 heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her,
 and taking her hand in his, said huskily, "My darling, I
 love you. Will you marry me?"

 And the princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind a
 dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and
 parting her ruby lips, said, "Pardon?"

 ---------------------------------------------------------------
 Courtesy of Crazie.Net Humor Mailing List <crazie@crazie.net>
 http://crazie.net
 ---------------------------------------------------------------

      "Character Is What You Are.
       Reputation Is What People Think You Are."

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Date:    Tue, 21 Aug 2001 05:49:50 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Computer Password.....

 A woman was helping her computer-illiterate husband set up his computer
 and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now
 need to choose and enter a password. Something he will use to log on. The
 husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the
 shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer
 asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife
 that he was keying in , "p..e..n..i..s".

 His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

           ***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG Enough**

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Date:    Tue, 21 Aug 2001 05:35:50 -0500
From:    Randall Woodman <rwoodman@HOME.COM>
Subject: The Maid

A husband and his wife advertised for a live-in maid to cook and do the
housework. They hired a lovely lass for the job.

She worked out fine, was a good cook, was polite, and kept the house neat.
One day, after about six months, she came in and said she would have to
quite.

"But why?" asked the disappointed wife.

She hemmed and hawed and said she didn't want to say, but the wife was
persistent, so finally she said, "Well on my day off a couple of months ago
I met this good-looking fellow from over in the next county, and well, I'm
pregnant."

The wife said, "Look, we don't want to lose you. My husband and I don't have
children, and we'll adopt your baby if you will stay."

She talked to her husband; he agreed, and the maid said she would stay. The
baby came, they adopted it, and all went well.

After several months though, the maid came in again and said that she would
have to quit. The wife questioned her, found out that she was pregnant
again, talked to her husband, and offered to adopt the baby if she would
stay. She agreed, had the baby, they adopted it, and life went on as usual.

In a few months, however, she again said she would have to leave. Same
thing. She was pregnant. They made the same offer, she agreed, and they
adopted the third baby. She worked for a week or two, but then said, " I am
definitely leaving this time."

"Don't tell me you're pregnant again?" asked the lady of the house.

"No," she said, "there are just too many kids here to pick up after."

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=} Randall {=-   Life is sexually transmitted and invariably fatal

Need a tagline?  Visit http://www.taglinesgalore.com/

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Date:    Tue, 21 Aug 2001 07:31:37 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Pre-Relationship Agreement  (Part 1 of 2)

The party of the first part (herein referred to as she/her) being
of sound mind and fairly good body, agrees to the following with
the party of the second part (herein referred to as he/him).

1. FULL DISCLOSURE
At the commencement of said relationship (colloquially referred
to as the first date or match up), each party agrees to fully
disclose any current girl/boyfriends, dependent children, bizarre
religious beliefs, phobias, fears, social diseases, strange
political affiliations, or currently active relationships with
anyone else that have not yet been terminated. Further each party
agrees to make known any deep-seated mother/father/brother/sister
complexes and fanatical obsessions with pets, careers, or organized
sports. Failure to make these disclosures will result in the
immediate termination of said relationship before it has a chance
to get anywhere.

2. INDEMNIFICATION OF FRIENDS
Both parties agree to hold the person who arranged the liaison
(colloquially referred to as the "matchmaker") blameless in the
event the "fix-up" turns out to be a "real loser" or "psycho
bitch". (For definition of "real loser", see "John DeLorean: My
Story", available at most bookstores; George Hamilton at one of
Imelda Marcos' parties; or any picture of Bob Guccione in
Penthouse. For definition of "psycho bitch," see Sharon Stone in
"Basic Instinct," or Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction.")

3. DEFINITION OF RELATIONSHIP
Should said relationship proceed past the first "fix-up" both
parties mutually agree to use the following terminology in
describing their said "dating": For the first thirty (30) days
both parties consent to say they are "going out". (This neither
implies nor states any guarantee of exclusivity.) Following the
first thirty (30) days said parties may say they are "seeing
somebody" and may be referred to by third parties as "an item".
Sixty (60) days following the commencement of the "first date"
either member may elect to use the terms "girl/boyfriend" or
lover" and their mutual acquaintances may refer to them as "a
couple".  Under no circumstances are the phrases "my better half,"
"the little woman," "the old ball and chain," or "my old man/lady"
acceptable.  Further, if both members of the party consent, this
timetable may be accelerated; however, if either party "gets too
serious" and disregards this schedule, the other party may
dissolve the relationship on the grounds of "moving too fast" and
may once again be said to be "on the market."

4. TERMS OF EXCLUSIVITY
For the first thirty (30) days both parties agree not to ask
questions about the others whereabouts on weekends, weeknights, or
over long holiday periods. No unreasonable demands or expectations
will be made; both parties agree they have no "rights" or "holds"
on the other's time.  Following the first six weeks or forty-five
(45) days, if one party continues to be "missing in action" without
explanation, the "wounded party" agrees to "give up".

5. DATING ETIQUETTE
For the first thirty (30) days both members of the couple agree to
be overly considerate of the other's work pressures, schedules,
and business ambitions. A minimum of three (3) phone calls will
be made between the two parties during the working day, and each
party will attempt - with best efforts - to originate 50% of the
phone calls.

Additionally, for the first two weeks all dates will be made at
least twenty-four (24) hours in advance; there will be no "running
off in the middle of the night" to console an old girl/boyfriend",
and both parties agree to strike the phrase "but he/she needs me"
from their vocabulary.

Further, during the first six (6) weeks each member of said
relationship agrees to attempt at least one spontaneous "home
cooked meal" and will arrange the delivery of at least one
unexpected bouquet of flowers.  Following the first forty-five
(45) days both parties will return to their normal personalities.

6. TERMS OF PAYMENT
It is agreed that - respective gross income aside - "he" will pick
up the tab at all dinners, clubs, theaters, and breakfasts until:

(a) He considers her suitably impressed,
(b) we are broke, or
(c) He says, "this is ridiculous, you pay!".

Not included in this agreement are meals ordered from the bedroom,
which are subject to the availability of discretionary funds on
hand at the time.

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Tue, 21 Aug 2001 07:41:52 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <PBenoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: REDUCING STRESS:  Special to The Valdoster Daily Snooze

            THIRTY AMUSING WAYS TO REDUCE STRESS

               submitted by The Old Perfesser
            special to The Valdoster Daily Snooze




 1. Jam 39 tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze
    them out.

 2. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.

 3. When someone says "have a nice day", tell them you have
    other plans.

 4. Forget the Diet Center and send yourself a candygram.

 5. Make a list of things to do that your have already done.

 6. Dance naked in front of your pets.

 7. Retaliate for tax woes by filling out your tax forms in
    Roman numerals.

 8. Tattoo "OUT TO LUNCH" on your forehead.

 9. Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch them
    from high places.

10. Leaf through a "National Geographic" and draw underwear
    on the natives.

11. Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the
    next day.

12. Pay your electric bill in pennies.

13. Drive to work in reverse.  [My Favorite!  -T.O.P.]

14. Relax by mentally reflecting on your favorite episode of
    "The Flintstones" during that important faculty meeting.

15. Sit naked on a shelled hard-boiled egg.

16. Dang Yankees: Refresh yourself... put your tongue on a
    cold steel guardrail.

17. Tell your boss to blow it out of his mule and let him
    figure it out.

18. Polish your car with ear wax.

19. Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.

20. Bill your doctor for the time spent in his waiting room.

21. Make up a language and ask people for directions.

22. Write a message to your doctor on your hip so he can see it
    during the procto- surgery.

23. Practice up on how to walk like a zombie.

24. Dial 911 and tell them you're returning their call.

25. Buy a fake i.d. and have a free Denny's breakfast for your
    birthday.

26. Leave a message with farm animal sounds on someone's
    answering machine.

27. Redecorate your house. Fingerpaint the walls and blame it
    on the neighbors' kids.

28. Determine your strength. Thumb wrestle with your own right
    and left hand.

29. See how many people are listed in the phone book with your
    last name. Call them up and tell them you're their long lost
    cousin.

30. Give yourself a pat on the back and affirm that you made it
    another day.


*********************
I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent.
People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often,
as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.
                       - The Old Perfesser



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Date:    Tue, 21 Aug 2001 08:37:37 -0700
From:    Jared Rachwalski <jaredr@DCTCHAMBERS.COM>
Subject: Jesus will lift us up!

If there is any truth to this...
______________________________________________

A Little Rock woman was killed yesterday after leaping
through her moving car's sunroof during an incident best
described as "a mistaken rapture" by dozens of eyewitnesses.
Thirteen other people were injured after a twenty-car pile
up resulted from people trying to avoid hitting the woman
who was apparently convinced that the rapture was occurring
when she saw twelve people floating up into the air, and
then passed a man on the side of the road who she claimed
was Jesus.

"She started screaming "He's back, He's back" and
climbed right out of the sunroof and jumped off the roof of
the car," said Everet Williams, husband of 28-year-old
Georgann Williams who was pronounced dead at the scene.
"I was slowing down but she wouldn't wait till I stopped,"
Williams said. She thought the rapture was happening and was
convinced that Jesus was gonna lift her up into the sky," he
went on to say.

"This is the strangest thing I've seen since I've been on
the force," said Paul Madison, first officer on the scene.

Madison questioned the man who looked like Jesus and
discovered that he was dressed up as Jesus and was on his
way to a toga costume party when the tarp covering the bed
of his pickup truck came loose and released twelve blow up
sex dolls filled with helium which floated up into the air.

Ernie Jenkins, 32, of Fort Smith, who's been told by several
of his friends that he looks like Jesus, pulled over and
lifted his arms into the air in frustration, and said "Come
back here," just as the Williams' car passed him, and Mrs.
Williams was sure that it was Jesus lifting people up into
the sky as they passed by him, according to her husband, who
says his wife loved Jesus more than anything else.

When asked for comments about the twelve sex dolls, Jenkins
replied "This is all just too weird for me. I never expected
anything like this to happen."
_____________________
Jared Rachwalski

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Date:    Tue, 21 Aug 2001 11:41:28 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Poduri <cpoduri@NIC-CONQUEST.COM>
Subject: News Flash <clean>

A van carrying a dozen movie stuntmen on the way to a film location in the
mountains spun out of control on the icy road, crashed through a guardrail,
rolled down a 90-foot embankment, turned over, and burst into flames. There
were no injuries.

Chalapathi
And His
Four-Line
Signature! :-)

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Date:    Tue, 21 Aug 2001 15:30:52 -0400
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: Things you never learned in kiddygarten

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months, and 6 days, you'd produce enough
sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

Banging your head against the wall uses 200 calories per hour.

A coachroach can live 9 days without its head before it starves to death.

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

A cat's urine glows under a blacklight.

Ostrich eggs are bigger than the bird's brain.

Starfish have no brains.

A catfish has over 26,000 taste buds.

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Date:    Tue, 21 Aug 2001 16:44:33 -0700
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: August 21, 1959 - Hawaii becomes the 50th State.

BELL BILL BOUNCED
Senators William B. Spong of Virginia and Hiram Fong of Hawaii sponsored a
bill recommending the mass ringing of church bells to welcome the arrival,
in Hong Kong, of the U.S. Table Tennis Team, after its tour of Communist
China. The bill failed to pass, cheating the Senate out of the opportunity
to pass the Spong-Fong Hong Kong Ping Pong Ding Dong Bell Bill.

Sandy (AKA Ms Sam)
http://www.chucklesofchoice.com

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Date:    Tue, 21 Aug 2001 20:37:20 -0400
From:    The Punk With The Stutter <the-punk-with-the-stutter@HOME.COM>
Subject: This Week's News In Brief

Bank Robbers Fail To Consider O'Reilly Factor

PITTSBURGH, PA-- Would-be bank robbers Anthony Nesco, 34, and James Dumas,
36, were foiled Monday after failing to take into account the O'Reilly
Factor.  "Before they charged into [Fidelity Savings Bank] waving their
guns, those two creeps should have thought about me and my tough-talking,
straight-shooting, no-nonsense style," said Bill O'Reilly, host of Fox News
Channel's The O'Reilly Factor and author of a best-selling book of the same
name.  "Normally, I take no prisoners, but I'll make an exception in the
case of these two crum-bums: Lock 'em up and throw away the key, I say."
O'Reilly added that it's absolutely ridiculous, the money these moddycoddled
pro athletes make these days.


According To Nutritional Information, Local Man Just Had 16 Servings Of
Fritos

WAUKESHA, WI-- According to the nutritional information on the back of a bag
of Fritos, area resident Jerry Ploeg just ate 16 servings of the popular
corn chip.  "Wow, I didn't realize there were so many servings in there,"
Ploeg said Tuesday, moments after finishing off the bag, which contained 220
grams of fat and 1,200 percent of the USRDA for sodium.  "How big is a
serving, anyway?"  Ploeg then washed the Fritos down with five servings of
Dr. Pepper.


Semiotics Department Accuses University Administration Of Anti-Semiotism

PROVIDENCE, RI-- After years of budget cuts and downsizing, Brown
University's Semiotics Department lashed out at school administrators
Monday, accusing them of "blatant anti-semiotism."  "How can such shamefully
anti-semiotic acts be condoned in an enlightened society?" asked professor
Don Frisch.  "It deeply saddens me that in the year 2001, there are still
people out there who discriminate against a group of people just because
they engage in the study of signs and symbols, especially as elements of
language or other systems of communication."  Frisch said he is outraged
that his department has been relegated to the academic ghetto.


Partygoers Drunkenly Recite 4-H Pledge

MISSOULA, MT-- The 4-H pledge was drunkenly recalled Saturday, when a trio
of former 4-H members recited the international youth organization's oath
between swigs of beer at a house party.  "I pledge my Head to clearer
thinking, my Heart to greater loyalty, my Hands to larger service, and my
Health to better living," shouted a heavily intoxicated Benjamin Brower, 29,
who was active in 4-H from 1984 to 1986.  "Holy shit, I can't believe I
still remember that."  The nostalgic group chant was followed by an attempt
to recall what "Webelos" stands for.


Friend's Wife Encountered Twice A Year

GERMANTOWN, TN-- Local resident Wayne Beller has encountered Dennis Sharp's
wife 12 times during the pair's six-year friendship.  "For some reason, it's
always twice a year," Whitman said Monday.  "So far, I've run into [Sherri
Sharp] once this year, when I returned Dennis' Roto-Tiller in early June.
I'll probably see her again at some party around Christmastime, and that'll
be it."  Beller added that Sherri "seems nice enough."
___   ___   ___   ___   ___   ___
 Copyright 2001 Onion, Inc.

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Date:    Tue, 21 Aug 2001 20:32:31 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau <Pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Why worry? Be happy! [Adultish]

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It's really amazing," Jill told her wealthy middle-aged lover as
he was reclining on the bed.  "You have a beautiful head of gray
hair, but not a single one in your pubic area."

"Not as amazing as you might think," he said. "My brain has to do
all the worrying. "Mr. 'Happy' down there hasn't got a care in the
world."

--------------AE037CB179186B3D02B45E71--

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