Digest for Monday, August 20, 2001

There are 11 messages totalling 735 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Turning Gay
  2. Religious humor :)
  3. This Weeks Horoscopes
  4. I Cant........
  5. Failed birth control efforts
  6. Come Up To My Place?
  7. Mortgage Letter
  8. Honor
  9. stories provided by
  10. Performance Art comes to Western Pa.
  11. Marriage remains a mystery


----------------------------------------------------------------------


Date:    Mon, 20 Aug 2001 14:12:39 +0800
From:    Yeow Jit San (Benjamin) (Central) <JSYEOW@DIGI.COM.MY>
Subject: Turning Gay <ADULT>

 There's these three guys, best friends since childhood.
 One of them is dating an absolutely stunning babe, and
 is always bragging to his buddies about the sex they
 have. Then one day, for who knows what reason, the guy
 decides that he's getting tired of the lovely lady, he
 needs some new thrills in his life, and pulls a complete
 180, declaring he's gay.

 "Damn," his friends say, "you know that you're probably
 going to get AIDS and die!"

 Hey, I'll take my chances," he says. "I just needed some
 kind of change, and wow, did I find it!"

 Well, to make a long story short, in a couple years he
 indeed contracts AIDS, and is told he only has a few
 months left. As he's lying on his death-bed, he calls his
 old friends together one last time.

 "Guys," he gasps, "you've got to promise me one last
 thing."

 "Sure," say his mates. "What can we do for you?"

 "When I'm dead and buried, will you make sure I have
 the nicest tombstone you can find?" he asks. "And will
 you make sure something's written on it that everyone
 will remember me for?"

 They promise him, and with one final gasp, he passed
 away. But remembering their promise, his friends found
 a beautiful granite stone, and had it engraved:

 Ashes To Ashes,
 Dust To Dust,
 If You'd Stuck To Pussy,
 You'd Still Be With Us.

 ---------------------------------------------------------------
 Courtesy of Crazie.Net Humor Mailing List <crazie@crazie.net>
 http://crazie.net
 ---------------------------------------------------------------

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Date:    Mon, 20 Aug 2001 04:56:54 -0400
From:    Rose Vos <Belllfem@AOL.COM>
Subject: Religious humor :)

* For teachers everywhere gearing up for the new school year...Enjoy! *

Then Jesus took his disciples up the mountain and gathering them around, He
taught them saying:

BLESSED ARE THE POOR IN SPIRIT, FOR THEIRS IS THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN.
BLESSED ARE THE MEEK.
BLESSED ARE THEY THAT MOURN.
BLESSED ARE THE MERCIFUL.
BLESSED ARE THEY WHO THIRST FOR JUSTICE.
BLESSED ARE YOU WHEN PERSECUTED.
BLESSED ARE YOU WHEN YOU SUFFER.
BE GLAD AND REJOICE, FOR YOUR REWARD IS GREAT IN HEAVEN.

Then Simon Peter said, "Do we have to write this down?"

And Andrew said, "Are we supposed to know this?"

And James said, "Will we have a test on this?"

And Phillip said, "I don't have any paper."

And Bartholohew said, "Do we have to turn this in?"

And John said, "The other disciples didn't have to learn this."

And Matthew said, "Can I go to the boy's room?"

And Judas said, "What does this have to do with real life?"

Then one of the Pharisees who was present asked to see Jesus'lesson plans
and inquired of Jesus, "What are the objectives in the cognitive domain and
your plans for remediation?"

JESUS WEPT.

Source:  From a retired educator, James N. Burkhart.
www.geocities.com/jenneaux/index.html

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Date:    Mon, 20 Aug 2001 05:50:11 -0400
From:    The Punk With The Stutter <the-punk-with-the-stutter@HOME.COM>
Subject: This Week's Horoscopes <adult>

By Lloyd Schumner Sr.
Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B.-Certified Astrologer

Aries: (March 21--April 19)
If you put too much gasoline on the bandanna over your face, you'll get
sick.  Not enough and you'll be able to smell the corpses.  Strike a
balance.

Taurus: (April. 20--May 20)
Next time you find yourself in a hostage situation, take a hostage people
care about.

Gemini: (May 21--June 21)
You will be unable to cope with next Friday, mainly because our society does
so little to prepare one for encounters with scary dragonflies.

Cancer: (June 22--July 22)
Your much-publicized solo circumnavigation of the Earth hits a snag when you
learn that "circumnavigation" means "to go all the way around."

Leo: (July 23--Aug. 22)
Today's youth sickens you.  You didn't fight a secret war against the
nuclear mole people at Earth's core so they could wear baggy pants and
swear.

Virgo: (Aug. 23--Sept. 22)
It will occur to you that no one in the phone book has a realistic-sounding
name.  Change them all, if possible.

Libra: (Sept. 23--Oct. 23)
Children are a way to achieve a kind of immortality, as recipients of their
healthy young organs can extend life beyond its natural span.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24--Nov. 21)
The stars indicate, without actually saying it in as many words, that they
really wish you'd be leaving pretty soon.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22--Dec. 21)
Your attempt to reach civilization by fashioning a crude raft will astound
everyone else at the office.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22--Jan. 19)
The only peace for you will be the cold, dark peace of the grave.
Fortunately, there are ways to enjoy this peace before actually dying.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20--Feb. 18)
Though it's true you have a face that could stop a clock, you will soon meet
someone who can throw a clock much harder than you're used to.

Pisces: (Feb. 19--March 20)
You have not learned from the history of insignificant little people who
work at insurance companies and are, therefore, doomed to repeat it.
___   ___   ___   ___   ___   ___
 Copyright 2001 Onion, Inc.

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Date:    Mon, 20 Aug 2001 07:10:32 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: I Can't........

 Donna's fourth grade classroom looked like many others I had  seen in the
 past. The teacher's desk was in front and faced the  students. The
 bulletin board featured student work. In most respects it appeared to be
 a typically traditional elementary classroom. Yet something seemed
 different that day I entered it for the first time.

 My job was to make classroom visitations and encourage implementation of
 a training program that focused on language arts ideas that would empower
 students to feel good about themselves and take charge of their lives.
 Donna was one of the volunteer teachers who participated in this project.

 I took an empty seat in the back of the room and watched. All the
 students were working on a task, filling a sheet of notebook paper with
 thoughts and ideas. The ten-year-old student next to me was filling her
 page with "I  Can'ts". "I can't kick the soccer ball past second base."
 "I can't do long division with more than three numerals." "I can't get
  Debbie  to like me."  Her page was half full and she showed no signs of
  letting up. She worked on with determination and persistence. I walked
  down the row glancing at student's papers. Everyone was writing
  sentences, describing things they couldn't do.

 By this time the activity engaged my curiosity, so I decided to check
 with the teacher to see what was going on but I noticed she too was busy
 writing. I felt it best not to interrupt. "I can't get John's mother to
 come for a teacher conference." "I can't get my daughter to put gas in
 the car." "I can't get Alan to use words instead of fists."

 Thwarted in my efforts to determine why students and teacher were
 dwelling on the negative instead of writing the more positive "I Can"
 statements, I returned to my seat and continued my observations.

 Students wrote for another ten minutes. They were then instructed to fold
 the papers in half and bring them to the front. They placed their "I
 Can't" statements into an empty shoe box. Then Donna added hers. She put
 the lid on the box, tucked it under her arm and headed out the door and
 down the hall.

 Students followed the teacher. I followed the students.  Halfway down the
 hallway Donna entered the custodian's room, rummaged around and came out
 with a shovel. Shovel in one hand, shoe box in the other, Donna marched
 the students out to the school to the farthest corner of the playground.
 There they began to dig. They were going to bury their "I Can'ts"!

 The digging took over ten minutes because most of the fourth graders
 wanted a turn. The  box of "I Can'ts" was placed in a position at the
 bottom of the hole and then quickly covered with dirt. Thirty-one 10 and
 11 year-olds stood around the freshly dug grave site. At this point Donna
 announced, "Boys and girls, please join hands and bow your heads." They
 quickly formed a circle around the grave, creating a bond with  their
 hands.

 They lowered their heads and waited. Donna delivered the eulogy.
 "Friends, we gathered here today to honour the memory of 'I Can't.' While
  he was with us here on earth, he touched the lives or everyone, some
  more than others. We have provided 'I Can't' with a final resting place
  and a headstone that contains his epitaph. He is survived by his
  brothers and sisters, 'I Can', 'I Will', and 'I'm Going to Right Away'.
  They are not as well known as their famous relative and are certainly
  not as strong and powerful yet. Perhaps some day, with your help, they
  will make an even bigger mark on the world. May 'I Can't' rest in peace
  and may everyone present pick up their lives and move forward in his
  absence. Amen."

 As I listened I realized that these students would never forget this day.
 Writing "I Can'ts", burying them and hearing the eulogy. That was a major
 effort on this part of the teacher. And she wasn't done yet.

 She turned the students around, marched them back into the classroom and
 held a wake. They celebrated the passing of "I Can't" with cookies,
 popcorn and fruit juices. As part of the cebration, Donna cut a large
 tombstone from butcher paper. She wrote the words "I Can't" at the top
 and put RIP in the middle. The date was added at the bottom. The paper
 tombstone hung in Donna's classroom for the remainder of the year.

 On those rare occasions when a student forgot and said, "I Can't", Donna
 simply pointed to the RIP sign. The student then remembered that "I
 Can't" was dead and chose to rephrase the statement. I wasn't one of
 Donna's students. She was one of mine. Yet that day I learned an enduring
 lesson from her as years later, I still envision that fourth grade class
 laying to rest, "I Can't".

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Date:    Mon, 20 Aug 2001 07:44:01 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau <Pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Failed birth control efforts

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Dear Dr. Dover:

I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile.  My reasons are
numerous.  After being married for seven years and having had 7 children, I
have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are useless.

After getting married I was advised to use the rhythm method.  Despite
trying the Tango and the Samba, my wife fell pregnant and I ruptured myself
doing the Cha-Cha.  Apart from that, where do you find a band when you get
the urge at two o'clock in the morning?

A doctor suggested the safe period.  At the time, we were living with the
in-laws and we had to wait 3 weeks for the safe period, when the house was
empty.  Needless to say this didn't work, and the wife got pregnant.

A lady of several years' experience said if we made love while breast
feeding we would be all right.  Well, I finished up with clear skin, Silky
Hair and was very healthy...but the wife got pregnant yet again.

Another tale we heard was if the wife jumped up and down after intercourse
this would prevent pregnancy.  She slipped a disk but still got pregnant
again.

I asked the chemist about the condoms and he demonstrated them, so I bought
a packet.  My wife fell pregnant again, which did not surprise me as I never
did believe how stretching one of those things over your thumb could prevent
babies.  We tried the coil next but that didn't work.  It had a left-hand
screw and my wife is definitely a right-hand screw.

The Dutch cap was next and seemed to be our answer, but my wife got severe
headaches when the only size available was too tight across the forehead.

Eventually we tried the Pill, but it kept dropping out, so she tried it
between her knees and I couldn't get anywhere near her.

You must appreciate my problems.  If I can't have the operation I will have
to resort to oral sex, and I can't believe that talking about it is any
substitute for the real thing.

Yours sincerely,
Bubba Brickhead

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Date:    Mon, 20 Aug 2001 08:51:05 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <PBenoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: Come Up To My Place?  <adult>

A man goes into a little neighborhood pub, and when he sits down,
he notices a beautiful woman sitting at the other end of the bar.
He waves to her, and much to his surprise, she winks back at him.
It doesn't take long before he is on the stool next to her. They
talk for about fifteen minutes and then the man says to the woman,
"You're really hot!"

"You're pretty cute, too," she says to him. "I'll tell you what...
I live just around the corner - what do you think about coming up
to my place?"

"That sounds great!" the man eagerly replies.

"Before we go up there, though," the woman says, "I have to ask
you one question: Do you like doing it Greek style?"

"Well...uh...I'm not exactly sure what that is," the man answers,
"but it sure sounds interesting and I'm willing to learn! Let's go!"

So the two of them walk over to her apartment. As soon as they get
inside the door, the woman rips off all her clothes. The man can't
believe his eyes! She has an incredibly beautiful body.
"Now, you're *sure*," the woman asks, "that you want to do it
Greek style?"

"Definitely!" the man replies.

"All right, then," says the woman. "Take off all your clothes,
and get up on the bed on yours hands and knees."

"Sounds like fun!" the man exclaims. He leaps out of his clothes
and climbs onto the bed on his hands and knees. The woman goes
around and gets onto the bed right in front of the man.

She kneels down in front of his head. She asks him again, "Are
you sure that you want to do it Greek style?"

"Yeah! Yeah, let's go!" says the man.

The woman grabs the man with her arms right under his armpits,
getting him in a lock hold. He can't move at all, and his head
is pressing right into her chest. One more time she says, "Are
you sure that you want to do it Greek style?"

The man's muffled voice can barely be heard from between her
breasts.  "Mmmf, yeah!" he mumbles, "Greek style!"

The woman's grip on him tightens like a vice, and she yells out,

"GEORGE! Come and get it!"


*********************
A man once told me, "Cheer up, things could be worse."
So I cheered up, and sure enough, things got worse.



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Date:    Sun, 19 Aug 2001 12:16:34 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Mortgage Letter

To Whom It May Concern:

After nine weeks and many phone calls, I am writing this letter to
discuss a few items that the underwriter has not yet brought up
(but probably will).

I am not now, nor have I ever been a member of the Communist Party.
Neither my parents nor my grandparents were ever members of the
Communist Party. I was born seven months after my parents were
married. I hope this doesn't disqualify me for the mortgage, I
will have my mother and father send a letter to you explaining
how this happened if you feel it is necessary.

I am not a bed wetter or a homosexual.

I have no religious affiliation. If this is a problem, I will get
a letter from a priest, minister, and rabbi stating they will let
me join up if you feel it is necessary.

I want to apologize for having $36,000 in the bank account that I
reported having $8,000. I guess if the underwriters find out that
I have over $100,000 spread out in other banks and investments, I
never will get the mortgage. I also want to apologize for only
putting $55,000 down on a $115,000 house. I'm really concerned
because my wife and I are earning only $78,000 this year. If you
decide this is not enough, I will be happy to take a part time job
at night at Roy Rogers. I will have the manager at Roy Rogers send
you a letter if you feel it is necessary.

I am a registered Republican. I know this may not sit well with
the underwriters who are Democrats.  My only defense for this is
anytime you see a man driving a Jaguar, wearing $600 custom made
suits, $165 Gucci loafers, $70 custom made shirts, wearing a
$2000 diamond pinkie ring, a $750 Cartier watch, carrying a $265
cigarette case and a $400 attache case he is either a Republican
or a dope dealer. I am not a dope dealer and will send you a
letter stating so if you feel it is necessary.

There are three things that concern me:

1. When you buy a mattress there is a label that says "Do not
remove under penalty of fine or imprisonment". I'm sorry! It was
a rash, impulsive thing for me to do.  I was only a kid at the
time.  I promise I will never do it again.

2. In February of 1934 my grandmother missed a payment to Sears.
She is dead, but I will have the undertaker send you a letter
explaining why she can't send a letter explaining her delinquency
if you feel it is necessary.

3. On April 14, 1968 I got a traffic ticket. I will certainly send
a letter on this one. However, the real problem is that the police
officer who issued the summons was divorced. I have requested that
he send a copy of his divorce decree and separation agreement to
you. I hope this will suffice.

In closing, let me thank you, the receptionist, the person who
took my original application, the underwriting staff, your
appraisal department, the manager of your branch, and the
president of your company for granting me this loan. God willing,
we will make it to the settlement table and we will realize the
American Dream and live in our own home!

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Mon, 20 Aug 2001 10:36:55 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Poduri <cpoduri@NIC-CONQUEST.COM>
Subject: Honor <clean-ish>

Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like was
popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: a true red-blooded
born-and-raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from back East,
and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady.

The city-slicker kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and
said, "Lady, I'll give you $10 for a blow job."

The Texas gentleman looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and killed the
city-slicker on the spot. The lady gasped and said, "Thank you, suh, for
defendin' mah honor!"

Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, hell!! No
tenderfoot is gonna raise the price of women in  Texas!!"

Chalapathi
And His
Four-Line
Signature! :-)

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Date:    Mon, 20 Aug 2001 07:43:13 -1000
From:    Mickey&Karen <mhenn@GTE.NET>
Subject: stories provided by

The following are actual * I had someone ask for an aisle seats so that
    his or her hair wouldn't get messed up by being
    near the window.

*A client called in inquiring about a package to
   Hawaii.  After going over all the cost info, she
   asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California
   and then take the train to Hawaii?"

* I got a call from a woman who wanted to go
    to Cape.  I started to explain the length of
    the flight and the  passport information when she
    interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you
    look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts.
   "Without trying to make her look like the stupid
    one, I calmly explained, "Cape is in Massachusetts,
    Cape is in Africa."  Her response ... click.

* A man called, furious about a Florida package we did.
    I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando.
    He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to
    explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the
    middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I
    looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."

* I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to
    see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But
    they look so close on the map."

* Another man called and asked if he could rent
    a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I
    noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas.  When I
    asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said,
    "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a
    car to drive between the gates to save time."

* A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it
    was possible that her flight from Detroit left at
    8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am.  I tried to
    explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois,
    but she could not understand the concept of time zones.
    Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and
    she bought that!

* A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical
    description on your bag so they know who's  luggage belongs
    to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied,
    "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a
    tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is
    there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a
    minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing)
    I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT,
    and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on
    her luggage.

* I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know
    which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant,
    which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but
    none of these darn planes have numbers on them."

* "A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of
     those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to
     Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."

* A businessman called and had a question about the documents he
    needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy
    discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa.
     "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never
    had to have one of those." I double checked and sure
    enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he
    said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time
    they have accepted my American Express."

* A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago
    to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words.
    Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?"
    "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After
    some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am,
    I've looked  up every airport code in the country  and can't
    find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh  don't
    be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent
    scoured  a map of the state of New York and finally offered,
    "You don't mean  Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it
    was a big animal!"

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Date:    Mon, 20 Aug 2001 17:13:54 -0400
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Performance Art comes to Western Pa.

Now, I spent some time in Western Pa and, while it does have
it's charms, it just isn't in the forefront of modern art.  I
lived in the big city of Pittsburgh.  This news story reports
on a performance artist who's flourishing in a little place
just east of Pittsburgh.  While it is pretty close to the
Mason-Dixon Line (40 or 50 miles) it is still to the north
of it.  I wonder if anyone's clued in Curt's Shyster lawyer?

                                        jhm


===========================================
New Stanton, Pa     --The Associated Press

A man born and raised in Pennsylvania says he was discriminated against because
of his national origin, which he describes as "Confederate Southern American."

In a lawsuit filed Friday {August 10, 2001}, Curt Storey of Hunker, Pa., said
Burns International Security Services fired from his job as a security guard in
May for refusing to remove Confederate flag and related stickers from his lunch
bucket and pickup truck.

Storey wants to be reinstated to his $8-an-hour job along with back pay and
damages.

Kirk Lyons, Storey's attorney, works for the Southern Legal Resources Center,
which has represented other people who claimed discrimination because of their
Confederate heritage.

Lyons said the case is the first of its kind filed by someone who has lived his
entire life north of the Mason-Dixon line.

Storey has Southern ancestors, and Lyons said the Equal Employment Opportrunity
Commission standard for national identity should include anyone who feels
strongly about their ties to the old South or the Confederacy.
----------------------------

AP story is copyrighted.  This is an exact copy, except for
my typos.

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Date:    Tue, 21 Aug 2001 00:04:02 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau <Pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Marriage remains a mystery

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      SHOPPING AT Wal-Mart

      My ex-husband and I fought constantly,
      Why I married him, I'll never know.
      For all those miserable years I said
      My hubby has got to go!

      Tried poisoning cakes, stripping his brakes,
      Salting his pork chops with lime.
      Wiring his chair, igniting his hair
      Even though playing with fire is a crime.

      But I failed at each plot 'til I suddenly thought
      Of a way that would set me free!
      I got rid of him for good and, know what?
      They couldn't do a thing to me!

      I took him back to Wal-Mart!
      They'll take anything back you know!
      They said they couldn't recall selling him,
      But they must have if I said so.

      They just credited him to my Visa and said,
      "Y'all come back now, 'ya hear?"
      They were so nice, polite, pleasant and insistent,
      I'll take back his mother next year!

      They'll take anything back at Wal-Mart,
      Though it's broken or rotten or sweet.
      And know what else? This time of year
      You don't even need a receipt!
      ~author unknown~

   ********************************************************

   A few thoughts on marriage

   You know what I did before I married?
   Anything I wanted to.
                       -- Henny Youngman

   The best way to get most husbands to do something is to
   suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it.
                         -- Ann Bancroft

  Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
                              --Benjamin Franklin

  My wife dresses to kill.  She cooks the same way.
                          -- Henny Youngman

   My wife and I were happy for twenty years.  Then we met.
                           -- Rodney Dangerfield

   A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
                           -- Milton Berle

  I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
                         -- George Burns

  What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About
  30 pounds.
                                            -- Cindy Garner

  When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping.
  Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.
                  -- Elaine Boosler

  Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
                                  -- Phyllis Diller

  The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
                                     -- Henny Youngman



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