Digest for Saturday, August 18, 2001

There are 9 messages totalling 403 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Spaghetti :)
  2. Risky date
  3. Inexorable March Of Time Brings TVs Jerry Mathers One Step Closer To Death
  4. Quick Thoughts
  5. Toasts........
  6. Puns of the Weak: 8/13/01 (Part 2)
  7. August 18th, National Homeless Animal Day
  8. I Cant!
  9. British Humor


Date:    Sat, 18 Aug 2001 06:14:43 -0400
From:    Rose Vos <Belllfem@AOL.COM>
Subject: Spaghetti :)

An Italian doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward,
she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the
nurse a large sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.  He
replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back.  I'll
take care of the child's expenses."

Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the
office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the
mail today from Italy, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor
said, "Just wait until I get home, I will explain it to you."Later that
evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with
a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back
to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac
arrest.  So the wife picked up the card and read,  "Spaghetti, Spaghetti,
Spaghetti, Spaghetti.  Two with sausage and meatballs, two without."

Source:  Dunno

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Date:    Sat, 18 Aug 2001 12:27:18 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@VENTURENET.CO.ZA>
Subject: Risky date <clean>

A cute young woman was giving a manicure to a man in the barber
shop. The man said, "How about a date later?" "I'm married," she
answered. With a wink he said, "So, just tell him you're going out
with your girlfriends." "Tell him yourself," she said, "he's shaving

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Date:    Sat, 18 Aug 2001 07:26:13 -0400
From:    The Punk With The Stutter <the-punk-with-the-stutter@HOME.COM>
Subject: Inexorable March Of Time Brings TV's Jerry Mathers One Step Closer To

15 August 2001
The Onion

      HOLLYWOOD, CA--The inexorable march of time, the prison into which all
humankind is born, brought Leave It To Beaver star Jerry Mathers--and all of
us--one step closer to the grave Monday.

      "I saw Jerry Mathers on Entertainment Tonight a couple months ago,"
said Barry Carter, 34, of Duluth, MN.  "It was weird.  He still has that
baby face, but he's, like, in his 50s now.  I was like, 'Whoa, look at Jerry
Mathers, he's getting up there in years,' and my wife said, 'Well, aren't we
all?'  I guess it's true.  I'm not as young as I used to be, either."

      Added Carter with a reflective sigh: "It makes you think."

      Mathers, who recently came face-to-face with his own mortality when a
worm he swallowed on The Tonight Show's "Celebrity Survivor" gave him a
severe stomach infection, once charmed millions as the irrepressible
mischief-maker "The Beav."  Yet, as sands through the hourglass, Mathers'
remaining moments on Earth continue to run out, bringing the star of the
short-lived '80s syndicated series Still The Beaver closer to the day when
worms would eat not just his stomach lining, but the whole of his flesh.

      "Jerry Mathers?" said Clear Lake, IA, homemaker Janet Platt, 49.  "He
was so adorable on Leave It To Beaver, the very picture of childhood
innocence.  But then his youthful innocence gave way--as it must for all of
us--to the hard-bitten realities of adulthood and, eventually, old age.  But
he will live forever in my heart, as well as the hearts of millions of
others, where he will always remain the quintessential American boy."

      Indeed, as we all project our deepest doubts and fears onto the canvas
of our earthly existence, struggling to create meaning where there is none,
so too is it with TV's Jerry Mathers.  The symbol of an entire culture's
faith in the magic of childhood, Mathers has been the subject of myriad
rumors, all untrue.  Not only was he said to have been killed in the Vietnam
War, but he was also rumored to have grown up to become the legendary,
death-obsessed '70s shock-rocker Alice Cooper.

      But as these urban legends continue to circulate, the real Jerry
Mathers remains very much alive, forging ahead day after day, as all of us
must, despite the inevitable end which awaits him in the cold embrace of

      "I think life is a challenge," Mathers said during a recent online
appearance on HealthTalk Interactive to discuss his twin battles with
diabetes and dyslexia.  "Every day, when you get out of bed, there's
challenge after challenge.  So I say, just take each one as they come.  Yes,
they were both challenges, but, you know, I've met other challenges in my
life, and as I say, I will continue to meet and beat them!"

      What more can any of us do?

      Determined to maintain a positive attitude in the face of the howling
void, Mathers greets each day with a brave smile.  The actor, who is
available for personal appearances at trade shows, never fails to sign an
autograph for an admiring fan.  In addition, he jogs one hour every day and
has maintained a healthy diet since losing more than 40 pounds on the Jenny
Craig program, for which he is now a celebrity spokesman.

      He still finds regular roles in feature films, including the 1994
thriller "Sexual Malice."  And his 1998 memoir, "And Jerry Mathers As 'The
Beaver,'" still in print and a strong seller since its 1998 publication, is
a delightful trip down memory lane and an enjoyable book for readers of all
ages.  Yes, time has been kinder to TV's Jerry Mathers than to most.

      Yet we can only wonder: Does Mathers dream of another sort of time?
Does he dream of a Vonnegutian reverse-entropy universe in which his smiling
childhood visage recedes not into the dimness of the past, but instead moves
toward a beautiful convergence, where decay becomes birth, destruction
becomes growth, and all find redemption in lost innocence, regained by the
reversal of our days?

      Only God--and TV's "The Beav"--know for sure.
___   ___   ___   ___   ___   ___
© Copyright 2001 Onion, Inc.

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Date:    Sat, 18 Aug 2001 08:48:56 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Quick Thoughts

I sometimes look into the face my dog..and see wistful sadness
and existential angst, when all he is actually doing is slowly
scanning the ceiling for flies.
--  Merrill Markoe

I feel about airplanes the way I feel about diets.  It seems to
me they are wonderful things for other people to go on.
--   Jean Kerr

In the South Pacific, because of their size, mosquitoes are
required to file flight plans.
--  Erma Bombeck

That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone:
Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better
--  Dorothy Parker


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Date:    Sat, 18 Aug 2001 10:16:25 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Toasts........

 John O'Riley was a member of an Irish Toast Masters Club and one evening
 at the local Irish Toast Masters meeting, a contest was held to see who
 could deliver the best toast. Well, John O'Riley won the contest for the
 best toast of the evening with, "Here's To The Best Years o' Me Life,
 Spent Between The Legs o' Me Wife."

 When John O'Riley arrived home his beautiful wife asked him how the Toast
 Masters meeting went and he said, "I won the contest for the best toast
 of the evening." His wife then asked him what his toast was, and he said,
 "Here's To The Best Years o' me Life, Spent in Church wi' me Wife."
  His wife then said, "Why John, that's so nice of you to include me in
  your Toast."

 The next morning, Mrs. O'Riley was downtown shopping and ran into the
 local police man on the beat who was also at the Toast Masters meeting
 with John O'Riley. He said, "Hello Mrs. O'Riley, that was some great
 toast that your husband John gave at the Toast Masters meeting last
 evening. He won first prize".
 "Yes, that's right," said Mrs. O'Riley, "but he wasn't quite honest with
  the facts: he's only been there twice, the first time he fell asleep
  and the second time I had to pull him out by the ears."

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Date:    Sat, 18 Aug 2001 10:29:33 -0700
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Puns of the Weak: 8/13/01  (Part 2)

•A telephone repairman was working late in a big office building and
became lost. After a long search of the rambling first floor to find an
exit, he spotted a woman at the end of a corridor. "How do I get
outside?" he asked.  "Dial 9," she replied. (Gag-O-Matic)
•"How can you find Ronald McDonald at a nude beach? He's the one with the
sesame seed buns! (Merlyn Baby)
•Bifurcate: To purchase for Katherine (Harry Farkas)
•Did you hear about the art dealer who was transporting some valuable
paintings to customers when his truck shot off a bridge and fell into a
river? Questioned later by the police, the dealer observed, "I hated
Toulouse-Lautrec, but that's the way the Van Goghs." (Norm Gilbert)
•"What vegetable goes with carrots?" she asked peacefully. (Weber & Bryan)
•How does a mentally deranged person get through a large forest? They
take the psycho path. (Tony Thoennes)
•Although Alan Combs lives in Austin, he frequently travels all over the
country as a guest lecturer in pharmacology. Unfortunately, he
frequently gets homesick. When this happens you can usually find him
standing outside the local airport. Why? That's where he finds the
yellow rows of taxis (Stan Kegel)
•Acorn: An oak in a nutshell (Art. Moger)
•       TV weathermen
        Can't throw knives very well, but
        They're great fork casters (Guy Ben-Moshe)
•A tattle tale pig is a squealer. (Pun of the Day)
•When he dropped the tureen, the waiter landed in the soup.  (Jumble)
•Eyebrows: What I do in a book store (Brandi Brandon)
•Every time I see a four poster bed, I think it is a lot of bunk.
•Bigotry:  One of the California redwoods. (Lexicon)
•"Darling daughter, you've been on the phone for an hour," he said
phonetically (Weber & Bryan).
•Ten fishermen had a great day's catch at a small lake. Who was the
saddest fish that evening? The sole survivor. (Cynthia MacGregor)
•The road to health is paved with food abstentions. (Louis A. Safian)
•The monkey at the zoo accidentally backed up into a fan. Details to
follow.  (Bree Schultz)
•Uncle Oscar got a little sauced up the other night and decided that he
was a tap dancer. Unfortunately, he kept falling into the sink  (The Pundit)
•"Because my client is uncertain which of the two men with whom she
lived concurrently is the father of her child, Your Honor," stated the
attorney in court, "she seeks to combine them as joint defendants in
this legal action." "So, what she really is pressing for then,"
commented the jurist wryly, "is a paternity suit with two pairs of
pants."  (Archives)
•Someone who crosses the ocean twice without a shower is a dirty double
crosser. (Pun of the Day)
•Many migrating birds view an empty birdhouse along the way as a cheep
hotel. (Art. Moger)
•A shoe store owned by one person would be called a sole proprietorship.
(John Sousa)
•Madagascar: An angry petroleum using automobile. (Stan Kegel)
•"Get me off this horse!"  Tom derided woefully. (Richard Lederer)
•Said the potato: “I think therefore I yam.”  (Syman Hirsch)
•Why didn’t the omelet laugh? Because it didn’t get the yolk. (Erika)
•Biology:  The only science in which multiplication means the same thing
as division. (Lexicon)
•My sis crashed and burned a rental when a bufflehead duckwalked across
the street in front of it. No, she got out easily and put it out with
the onboard extinguisher, but we still call her "Buffle, the van-pyre
sprayer." (Dennis M. Hammes)
•Broadband : An all girl musical group. (Gunjan Saraf)
•Driving on so many turnpikes was taking its toll.  (Pun of the Day)
•Inverse: The poet wrote his love letters inverse   (Richard Lederer)
•Did you hear about the new pill that consists of LSD, Prozac, Viagra
and Ex-Lax? It's for older hippys that want to go on a trip but don't
care if they are coming or going! (Paul Croft & Stan Kegel)
•"All our rooms are filled, sir," said the clerk with a preoccupied air
•Masseurs and masseuses: People who knead people (Michael Driscoll)
•Once in a wifetime is enough. (Louis A. Safian)
•Then all of a sudden it hit me: I should have hung that ceiling fan
higher. (Daniel Bokor)
•Show me a famous composer's liquor cabinet and I'll show you
Beethoven's Fifth. (Dave Coble)
•After hearing the case of the woman who folded her clothes wrong, the
jury had no choice but to hanger. (Big Pun)
•Conserving energy makes cents. (Anthony Cacchillo)
•Did you hear about the tennis ball manufacturer that ended up in court?
•"I plan to work in a cemetery,"  Tom plotted gravely (Richard Lederer).
•Mushroom: A place where people neck (Leonard Fechtner)
•Milk of Amnesia:  Infant formula to help forget birth trauma.
•Cosine: If you need me to I'll cosine your loan.  (Richard Lederer)
•In what legal venue would a rabbit seek to settle a dispute over
whereit is allowed to eat or defecate? A Pellet Court   (Gary Hallock)
•Show me a twin birth and I’ll show you an infant replay.
•What did the fisherman say to the magician? Take a cod, any cod.
•It's better to break ground and head into the wind than to break wind
and head into the ground. (Lars Hanson)
•"Do these stairs take you to the second floor?"  "No, you'll have to
walk" (Terry Galan)
•Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface.
•Birdwatcher: A person who likes to watch fowl play. (Gail S. Angel)
•What does a dentist do on a roller coaster? He braces himself  (Phillip Thompson)
•It's always important for knowledgeable hunters to stick to their guns.
•"Hello, class, I am your teacher," she professed. (Weber & Bryan)
•Plankton:  About 2000 pounds of lumber (Jay Christie)
•This morning as I walked past the laundry room, I noticed my cat laying
in the washing machine. I asked my wife how long he had been doing this.
She replied,"He goes through cycles."  (Bree Schultz)
•Now think back, Mr. Firestone, you need to get in touch with your inner
tube. (Asa Sparks)
•Guru: "If I knew the secret of getting along with others, would I be
sitting up here in the middle of nowhere on a cold rock all by myself?" (Goff)
•Your nose is in the scenter of your face. (Pun of the Day)
•How many Spaniards does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan!
•He said: Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to
you in the worst way. She said: Well, you succeeded. (Joke of the Day)

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Date:    Sat, 18 Aug 2001 11:52:33 -0700
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: August 18th, National Homeless Animal Day

Calling attention to our less fortunate four legged friends

It is reported that the following edition of the Book of Genesis was =
discovered in the Dead Sea Scrolls. If authentic, it would shed light on =
the question, "Where do pets come from?"

And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me =
everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is =
difficult for me to remember how much you love me." And God said, "No =
problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever =
and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I =
love you, even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish and =
childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as =
you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a =
good animal.  And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be =
with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "But Lord, I have =
already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are =
taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem!  Because I have created this new animal to be =
a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own =
name and you will call him DOG." And Dog lived with Adam and was a =
companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted.  And God was =
pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the =
Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and =
preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has =
indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility."

And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who =
will be with him forever and who will see him as he is.  The companion =
will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not =
worthy of adoration." And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And =
Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was =
reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.

And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Cat did not care =
one way or the other.

Sandy (AKA Ms Sam)

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Date:    Sat, 18 Aug 2001 13:01:36 -0600
From:    Emko Witteveen <emko@MAC.COM>
Subject: I Can't!

As I left the grocery store, I noticed two little kids,
maybe six or seven years old, selling candy bars in front
of the store to raise money for their school band.

"I'll buy a chocolate bar on one condition," I said to
the boys.  "You eat it for me."

I bought one and handed the candy back to one of the boys.
He shook his head.  "I can't," he said.

"Why not?"

Looking me in the eye, he responded gravely, "I'm not
supposed to take candy from strangers."  --RD

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Date:    Sat, 18 Aug 2001 14:00:15 -1000
From:    Mickey&Karen <mhenn@GTE.NET>
Subject: British Humor<adult>

English comedian John Cleese, of Monty Python fame, was asked
to describe the difference between British and American people.
In reply Cleese said that there were three basic differences from
the British viewpoint:

1. "We speak English and you don't."

2. "When we hold a World Championship for a particular sport,
   we invite teams from other countries to play, as well."

3. "When you meet the head of state in Great Britain, you only
   have to go down on one knee."

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