Digest for Monday, August 13, 2001

There are 12 messages totalling 610 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. North Dakota vs. Manitoba
  2. Dilberts Top 20...
  3. Million Dollar Jokes
  4. Hillbilly surgery
  5. Bar Exam
  6. Races
  7. Faith Healer Allegedly Linked Sex to Exorcism [mature]
  8. August 13, 1970 - My Special Day!
  9. FW: Urgent
  10. Unpublished Childrens Books
  11. THE aDULLt CRABB joKe ==> aDULLt crab *F* word joKe <==
  12. The Internal Revenue Service in the United States


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Date:    Mon, 13 Aug 2001 05:39:55 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: North Dakota vs. Manitoba

 An elderly woman lived on a small farm in Canada, just yards away from
 the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor
 dispute between the United States and Canada for years. The widowed woman
 lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren.

 One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. "I just got some
 news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the
 people in North Dakota. They've decided that our land is really part of
 the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the
 agreement. What do you think?"
 "What do I think?" his mother said. "Sign it! Call them right now and
  tell them we accept! I don't think I can stand another Canadian winter!"

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Date:    Mon, 13 Aug 2001 06:04:09 -0400
From:    The Punk With The Stutter <the-punk-with-the-stutter@HOME.COM>
Subject: Dilbert's Top 20...

Top 20 Clues That Your File Cabinet Could Make Better Decisions Than Your
Boss
as submitted to www.Dilbert.com

1.  It's a reality-based object.

2.  My filing cabinet has never cut the training and supplies budget, and
then been so happy with its cost-saving work it's gone out to a long lunch
on its company expense account.

3.  The file cabinet doesn't make me wear a button saying "ask me about
combo savings" when all I do is run the elevators.

4.  It's been in the industry longer.

5.  I have woolen sweaters with a higher IQ than my boss - why shouldn't my
file cabinet make better decisions?

6.   My file cabinet doesn't change its long-term strategy every time it
lunches with a customer.

7.  My files contain all the data for strategic marketing campaigns of past
projects.  My Pointy-Haired Boss can't remember what he had for lunch!

8.  Unlike PHB's mind, the file cabinet can be open as well as closed.

9.  File cabinet refused to open, thereby cancelling absurd project.  The
Boss would have beaten a dead horse back alive.

10.  To date, my file cabinet has not cost us any clients...

11.  My file cabinet doesn't spend all day on the phone with other store
managers, asking "What do I do about (insert latest crisis here)?"

12.  My file cabinet is full of information.  My PHB is just full of it.

13.  You never have to schedule a meeting with your file cabinet to discuss
the feasibility of providing you with information you need to do your job.

14.  The file cabinet has never asked me to cancel my honeymoon in order to
meet some artificial deadline.

15.  The file cabinet does not have an MBA.

16.  Not once have I ever seen the file cabinet hide in the bathroom in
order to avoid making a decision, unlike a PHB I know.

17.  When you ask your file cabinet a question, it's still there at the end
of the sentence.

18.  It doesn't get sued for harassment for comments made during a
harassment seminar break.

19.  My file cabinet fell on my boss.  Truly a great decision!!!

20.  How could a brainless, inanimate object make better decisions than my
file cabinet?

  /   /   /   /   /   /   /   /   /   /   /   /   /   /   /   /

Top 20 Fun Things To Tell Programmers
as submitted to www.Dilbert.com

1.  "I need it to be idiot proof."  Two years and a change of company later
he will finally see that idiots are amazingly resourceful.

2.  "Are you writing this one in Basic or in COBOL?"

3.  "I want a printout of all the missing records so we can enter them in
the database."

4.  "You will enjoy the challenge!"

5.  "Just start coding the system.  We'll get the specs nailed down later."

6.  "C, C++, what's the difference."

7.  "Err... which version of the specifications were you using?"

8.  "Oh, you know that beta version you told me not to install on my PC?  I
uploaded it to the server instead, OK?"

9.  "It's OK you didn't meet the deadline - I had my son and his second
grade friends over this weekend, and they fixed the problem."

10.  "Yeah, we decided to skip the testing and debugging parts..."

11.  "I'll be reviewing your code."

12.  "I ran spellcheck on your code - it took out all those extra
parentheses."

13.  "Oops..."

14.  "It's just what we asked for!  But it's not what we want."

15.  "The customer wasn't happy with the product as it is.  We've had to
change the requirements to keep them happy.  The delivery date is still the
same."

16.  "Although the module is mathematically correct, the solution is
physically impossible.  Either that, or you have actually created mass, and
I will apologize for underestimating your power."

17.  "There was a girl who had the hots for you but she doesn't work here
any more.  I forget her name."

18.  "I added your pager and home phone numbers to the "how to contact us"
section of the manual."

19.  Pointy-Hair Boss: "Can you put a funny animation in this?"

20.  "Yes, your paycheck is half what it should be - that's not a bug, it's
a feature."
___   ___   ___   ___   ___   ___   ___
Dilbertę2001 United Feature Syndicate, Inc.

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Date:    Mon, 13 Aug 2001 06:17:19 -0400
From:    Rose Vos <Belllfem@AOL.COM>
Subject: Million Dollar Jokes

What kind of Woman are you?

A guy stops to talk to a beautiful woman standing alone by a bus
stop. "Hello, I must say, you are about the most beautiful women I have
ever met." "Thank you very much, replied the women." The guy quickly
follows up, "I was wondering if you'd sleep with me for a million
dollars?" "A million dollars!" the girl responds. She thinks for a moment
and answers, "Yes, I would sleep with you for a million dollars." "How
about five bucks," responds the guy. "Five Bucks!, What kind of woman do
you think I am?" "We've already determined that," he replies. "Now we are
just haggling over the price".

--------

A Million Dollars From God

A young man was talking to God. "How long is a million years to You?" he
asked.

"A million years to Me is like a single second to you," God replied.

"How much is a million dollars to You?" the young man asked.

"A million dollars to Me is like a penny to you," God replied.

"In that case," the young man ventured, "Could I have one of Your pennies?"

"Certainly, My Son," God replied.  "Just a second."

Source:  Unknown
www.geocities.com/jenneaux.html

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Date:    Mon, 13 Aug 2001 06:52:19 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau <Pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Hillbilly surgery

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A hillbilly was making his first visit to a hospital
where his teenage son was about to undergo surgery.
Watching the doctor's every move, he asked, "What's that?"

The doctor explained, "This is an anesthetic. After he
gets this he won't know a thing."

"Save your time, Doc," exclaimed the man. "He don't know
nothing now."


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Date:    Mon, 13 Aug 2001 08:10:15 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <PBenoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: Bar Exam

         The following exercise appeared on
       the Scottish Bar Exam a few years back.


          SECTION A - SCOTS CRIMINAL LAW

Angus drops into the "Govan Arms," a trendy wine bar in Glasgow,
with three of his friends. The bar's speciality is an "El Dorado
cocktail," a lethal combination of fortified wine and vodka.
Bruce, who has never before been in a pub and is a strict
teetotaller, is told by Angus that the concoction is alcohol-free;
Bruce agrees to try one. Calumn, who is perfectly aware that the
brew is potent, also accepts Angus's offer of a drink. Angus and
Donald beforehand have agreed to liven things up by "spiking"
the drinks of the other two. Angus asks the barman to add three
more double vodkas to each one pint glass of the cocktail, and
then himself throws in a couple of LSD tablets. Angus and Donald
stick to Coca Cola.

The order is repeated, and again, Angus adds vodka and LSD. Both
Bruce and Calumn feel "high." In the toilet, Bruce is accosted by
Edgar who places his hand on Bruce's thigh, and says, "what about
it?" Incensed, Bruce lashes out. Edgar hits his head on the stone
floor, and is killed instantly. Donald, meanwhile, has gone into
the back room with the 1andlord's daughter, a pretty young thing
who claims to be 18 (but is indeed only 14), and who explains her
school uniform as an indication merely that she is a slow learner.
The two are engaged in sexual intercourse when the barman, Fred,
enters. Calumn steps in to defend Donald. He challenges Fred to
"step outside" for a man-to-man fight. This "square go" (in local
parlance) results in Angus, Bruce and Donald watching and
encouraging while Calumn hits Fred repeatedly. Calumn is a
sportsman: once Fred is lying on the ground, he walks away.
However, the other three then join in by kicking Fred, while
Angus produces his handy 6" sheath knife which he sticks in
Fred's thigh.

Fortunately. Dr. Nesbit is on hand in the pub, sitting in his
usual corner surrounded by empty glasses. Dr. Nesbit already has
had more than his daily allowance of lager, but nonetheless
proceeds to take charge of the situation. His sight is not as
good as it once was; his hand shakes; and his memory of medical
knowledge is rather rusty. Attempts at stopping the flow of blood
are unsuccessful, since force is being applied to the wrong
pressure points. After half an hour, Nesbit acknowledges defeat,
and calls for an ambulance. Fred dies en route to the hospital.


Consider whether any breaches of the criminal law have occurred.
(30 marks)


      (from rec.humor.funny)


***************************
"I'm not a fatalist. But even if I were, what could I do about it?"
                     - Emo Philips



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Date:    Mon, 13 Aug 2001 08:19:02 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Races

Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast
about his track record. "In the last 16 races, I've won 8 of them!"

Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 20!!"

"Oh that's good, but in the last 37 races, I've won 29!" says
another, flicking his tail.

At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting
there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but
in my last 91 races, I've won 89 of them!"

The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed
silence. "A talking dog."

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Mon, 13 Aug 2001 11:17:24 -0400
From:    Musat, Bob <Bob.Musat@TRI-C.CC.OH.US>
Subject: Faith Healer Allegedly Linked Sex to Exorcism  [mature]

BERGENFIELD, N.J. (Reuters) - A self-styled faith healer pleaded not guilty
on Thursday to sexual assault after allegedly telling a woman she had to
have sexual relations with him to exorcise her demons.


Jess Guevarra, 50, a local machinist, told police he used herbs and other
folk medicine of his native Philippines, but he denied at his Municipal
Court arraignment having sex with the 29-year-old Maryland woman, whose name
was not disclosed.


Referring to unrevealed evidence, Lieutenant Detective James Stoltenborg of
the Bergenfield police said, ``We have a very solid case.''


The woman, also Philippine-born, was referred to Guevarra by friends in May.
She believed she was possessed because her leg hurt, her mother had a rash,
and her grandmother had died, Stoltenborg said.


According to police reports, after her mother left a $40 donation on an
altar on May 6, Guevarra took the woman to another room and had intercourse
with her. ``He told her, 'This will be how I get the demons out of you,'''
Bergen County Assistant Prosecutor Patricia Baglivi said.


Later Guevarra told the woman she was harboring two demons and if she did
not return for further treatment, she and other members of her family would
die by December, the prosecutor said. The woman returned on May 12 and again
had sex with Guevarra, Baglivi said.


``She did believe she had a demon, but we believe he took advantage of
her,'' Stoltenborg said. Police suspect other women in the area were also
deceived. ``He had quite a good little side business going,'' the detective
added.


Local Philippine-born residents told police that holistic medicine using
oils, herbal teas and healing techniques involving touching was common in
their homeland ``but sex isn't supposed to be part of it and isn't
sanctioned,'' Stoltenborg said.


Guevarra was returned to jail. He faces 10 years in prison on two counts of
sexual assault if convicted

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Date:    Mon, 13 Aug 2001 09:49:38 -0700
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: August 13, 1970 - My Special Day!  <Adult>

My only son celebrates his birthday today!!

WORKS FOR MOMMA
A little girl was asked what she wanted most for her birthday and she =
declared, "A baby brother."

"Daddy and I would like to give you a baby brother," said her Mom, "but =
there isn't time before your birthday."

"Why don't you do like they do down at Daddy's factory when they want =
something in a hurry -- put more men on the job."
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

BIRTHDAY CAKE
For his wife's birthday party, a doctor ordered a cake with this =
inscription: "You are not getting older. You are just getting better."

Asked how he wanted the message arranged, he said, "Just put 'You are =
not getting older' at the top and 'You are just getting better' at the =
bottom."

It wasn't until the good doctor was ready to serve the cake that he =
discovered that the cake read:

"YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP.
YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."

Sandy (AKA Ms Sam)
http://chucklesofchoice.com

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Date:    Mon, 13 Aug 2001 16:08:45 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Poduri <cpoduri@NIC-CONQUEST.COM>
Subject: FW: Urgent <clean>

Anybody willing to help? I am ready to forfeit half of my share ;)

-----Original Message-----
From: Ann mane [mailto:ann21us@37.com]
Sent: Monday, August 13, 2001 3:03 PM
To: cpoduri@NIC-CONQUEST.COM
Subject: Urgent


HI Dear ,

Permit me to inform you that after reading your add
in the net. I became interested in disclosing every
thing about myself to  you. I am the Daughter of late
Mr John Mane  Bangura, the former chief accountant to the
Sierra-Leone gold coperation in Kenama , who was
assassinated by the RUF rebels during his visit to
our village on April 6 2000.

Unfortunately my mother died for hypertension three
week later here in Abidjan and before then my mother
has already advised me and my younger sister Diana
to  look for a foreign partner to transfer this fund and
invest it abroad.

I inherited a total sum of $28.5 million us dollars,
from my late beloved father as the next of kin to my
family.This money which is concealed in a metallic
trunk box was deposited with a security company here
in Abidjan under a special arrangements as deposited on
behalf of a foreign partner containing African Arts
for export.

Now that we are in Abidjan and verified the deposit,
we need your assistance to help us move this funds
out for investment in your country as we can not invest
here due to its nearness to our country and the war
still going on there .we ask you to scout for a
valuable and lucrative business , so that we can
invest wisely .

We have in mind to give you 10% of the total sum of
US $ 28.5 million , and 5 % for any expenses which you
will make in course of this transaction, fax
messages,phone calls air tickets etc .

By this mail you are now requested to arrange on how
we can move the fund quick to your account in your
country for investment. Awaiting for your urgent response.

Yours sincerely
ANN MANE BANGURA

Chalapathi
And His
Four-Line
Signature! :-)

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Date:    Mon, 13 Aug 2001 18:29:26 -0500
From:    Randall Woodman <rwoodman@HOME.COM>
Subject: Unpublished Children's Books

Children's books you'll never see in a bookstore.

"You Were an Accident"

"Strangers Have the Best Candy"

"The Little Sissy Who Snitched"

"Getting More Chocolate on Your Face"

"Where Would You Like to Be Buried?"

"Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"

"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North
Amer- Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"

"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"

"The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad"

"Babar Meets the Taxidermist"

"Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence"

"The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables"

"Start a Real-Estate Empire with the Change from Your Mom's Purse"

"The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy"

"Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"

"Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear"

"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer, They Say God Did It"

"Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"

"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=} Randall {=-   I missed you, I'll take better aim next time!

Need a tagline?  Visit http://www.taglinesgalore.com/

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Date:    Mon, 13 Aug 2001 21:08:50 -0500
From:    RANEBOUX <raneboux@BELLSOUTH.NET>
Subject: THE aDULLt CRABB joKe  ==> aDULLt crab *F* word  joKe <==

A humble crab fell into love with Princess Lobster and she with him.
They enjoyed an idyllic relationship but one day Princess Lobster
came to Crab in floods of tears, saying that King Lobster would not
let her see Crab anymore.

"But why?" gasped the humble crab.

"Daddy says that crabs are too common," sobbed the princess.
"You're a lower class of crustacean, and anyway, you walk sideways."

Crab was shattered and scuttled away to drink himself into  forgetfulness.

That night was the occasion of the great Lobster Ball.  Lobsters came
from far and near for feasting and merrymaking. Only Princess Lobster
sat by her father's side, inconsolable.

Suddenly, the doors flew open. It was the humble crab.

Slowly, painstakingly, he made his way to the throne - walking straight,
one claw after another. Step by painful step he approached until he
looked King Lobster in the right in the eye. Crustacean to crustacean.

There was a deadly hush.




Finally the humble Crab giggles and says, "Man, I'm fucked up!"

__________________________________
RANEBOUX
        eternal
  ___====___====___
_________-----_________
          since 1903
 We support monkey business
        & any other un-natural acts

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Date:    Tue, 14 Aug 2001 00:02:39 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau <Pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: The Internal Revenue Service in the United States

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Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words
"The" and "IRS"  together it spells "Theirs?"

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