Digest for Wednesday, August 08, 2001

There are 9 messages totalling 508 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. A Fine Archer
  2. Trial
  3. The Onion News In Brief
  4. The Rules Of Bureaucracy
  5. The Workplace of the Noughties
  6. What I Want In A Man (A Female Perspective)
  7. shes fast and loose
  8. August 8, 1974 - Nixon Announces Resignation
  9. Putting a New Spin on Fast Food


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Date:    Wed, 8 Aug 2001 16:22:43 +0800
From:    Yeow Jit San (Benjamin) (Central) <JSYEOW@DIGI.COM.MY>
Subject: A Fine Archer

 A duke is hunting in a forest with his men-at-arms and
 servants when he comes upon a tree. Archery targets
 are painted all over it, and smack in the middle of each
 is an arrow.

 "Who is this incredibly fine archer?" cries the duke. "I
 must find him."

 After continuing through the forest for a few miles, he
 comes across a small boy carrying a bow and arrow.
 Eventually the boy admits that it was he who shot the
 arrows plumb in the center of all the targets.

 "You didn't just walk up to the targets and hammer the
 arrows into the middle, did you?" asks the duke
 worriedly.

 "No my lord. I shot them from 100 paces. I swear it by
 all that I hold holy."

 "That is truly astonishing," says the duke. "I hereby
 admit you into my service. But I must ask one favor in
 return. You must tell me how you came to be such an
 outstanding shot."

 "Well," said the boy, "first I fire the arrow at the tree, and
 then I paint the target around it."

 -------------------------------------------------------------------
 Courtesy of Crazie.Net Humor Mailing List <crazie@crazie.net>
 http://crazie.net
 -------------------------------------------------------------------

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Date:    Wed, 8 Aug 2001 05:14:52 -0500
From:    Randall Woodman <rwoodman@HOME.COM>
Subject: Trial

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney
attacked a witness.

"Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to
compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't heard the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise his
case?" the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=} Randall {=-   LAWYER: A cat who settles a dispute between 2 mice.

Need a tagline?  Visit http://www.taglinesgalore.com/

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Date:    Wed, 8 Aug 2001 06:22:04 -0400
From:    The Punk With The Stutter <the-punk-with-the-stutter@HOME.COM>
Subject: The Onion News In Brief <language>

Slain Cop Had Only 37 Years Until Retirement

DETROIT-- In a tragic twist of fate, Detroit police officer Stephen Brophy
was cut down in the line of duty Monday, just 37 years before he was to
retire.  "Just yesterday, Stephen was talking about all the plans he and his
wife had for 2038," said officer Pete Driscoll, Brophy's short-time partner,
who was with the 28-year-old when he was fatally shot by an armed robber.
"They were going to tour the country in an RV or maybe build a house in
Maine, right after Stephen wrapped up his last four decades on the force."
Added Driscoll: "His greatest wish was to see his daughter get married.  Or
his son if it was a boy."


Senate Votes To Add Gratuity To All Bills Of Eight Provisions Or More

WASHINGTON, DC-- By a 74-20 margin, the U.S. Senate approved a resolution
Monday guaranteeing lawmakers a 15 percent gratuity for all bills containing
eight provisions or more.  "Some of the bills around here run into the
billions," U.S. Sen. Sam Brownback (R-KS) said.  "This is our way of making
sure we don't get stiffed."  Later that day, Brownback received an $825
million gratuity on a $5.3 billion arms-appropriation bill he authored.


Richard Grieco's Star Power Inadvertently Donated To Goodwill

LOS ANGELES-- Former 21 Jump Street and Booker star Richard Grieco
accidentally gave his star power to charity Monday, when a truck collecting
for Goodwill Industries of Southern California made off with his charisma.
"I just told the driver to help himself to whatever was in the garage," said
the 36-year-old Grieco, star of 1991's If Looks Could Kill.  "I had no idea
my star power was in there."  Grieco attempted to buy back his celebrity
magnetism at the La Brea Avenue Goodwill store several hours later, only to
be told that Jorge Reyes of East Los Angeles had purchased it for $4.


Elementary Schooler Clearly Just Learned To Swear

ALEXANDRIA, LA-- Lakeview Elementary School first-grader Ian Schweder has
clearly just taken his first steps into the world of swearing, classroom
sources reported Monday.  "He must've just seen a sweary movie," classmate
Caitlin Lorenz said.  "He always runs around the playground yelling, 'Fucky
fucky shit fuck,' and dirty stuff like that."  In the past two days,
Schweder has composed a ribald song titled "Shit Shit Boobies," covered
three sheets of notebook paper with scatological malediction, and attempted
to tell a joke about "a girl who saw a boy's pussy."


That Guy From That One Show Spotted With The Girl From The Shampoo Ad

LOS ANGELES-- According to Hollywood insiders, that guy who plays the doctor
with the beard on that one show was spotted at this L.A. restaurant with the
blonde chick who takes the shower in the airplane bathroom in that one
shampoo commercial.  "She was wearing this red, glittery dress," said that
blonde Extra reporter who just had a baby.  "And the guy was like, 'Hey, I'm
dating the shampoo girl.'"  The sighting laid to rest rumors that the guy is
engaged to that girl who played the waitress in the movie about cars that
came out a few weeks ago.

 Copyright 2001 Onion, Inc.

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Date:    Wed, 8 Aug 2001 07:23:07 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: The Rules Of Bureaucracy

  1. Preserve thyself.
  2. It is easier to fix the blame than to fix the problem.
  3. A penny saved is an oversight.
  4. Information deteriorates upward.
  5. The first 90% of the task takes 90% of the time; the last 10%
     takes the other 90%.
  6. Experience is what you get just after you need it.
  7. For any given large, complex, hard-to-understand, expensive
     problem, there exists at least one short, simple, easy, cheap
     wrong answer.
  8. Anything that can be changed will be, until time runs out.
  9. To err is human; to shrug is civil service.
10. There's never enough time to do it right, but there's always
     enough time to do it over.

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Wed, 8 Aug 2001 08:09:47 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <PBenoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: The Workplace of the Noughties

               HP TO ADDRESS EMPLOYEE BURNOUT

Hewlett-Packard company today announced that it would take steps
to bring its employee burnout rate in line with industry averages.

"HP traditionally has very low burnout rates of 2-3% annually,"
said spokesperson Lucy Sansouci. "The industry average is over
five percent. Our most successful competitors average eight percent."

The company measures burnout rate by a complex formula involving
unannounced departures, work-related shouting matches, and employee
heart attacks.

HP plans to address the "burnout gap" with a series of measures,
including:
 - Shortening project schedules by 3% per month, 36% per year
 - High cholesterol menus in the cafeteria
 - Smaller cubicles and less air circulation
 - Employee directed layoffs, determined by "Survivor" style
   secret ballots
 - Eliminating one-fifth of managerial positions
 - More frequent communication from the Executive Council

"Bringing our burnout numbers in line benefits everybody," said
Ms. Sansouci. "Shareholders benefit from the improved earnings.
Employees benefit because profit sharing money is spread over
a smaller base. This is the creative approach to reinvention
that shows the world we are working in a garage."


           ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

                  New Employee Manual

Welcome aboard! You are one of our most valued new employees.
Enclosed please find some helpful guidelines to company policy.


OVERTIME - The Company has an optional overtime policy - you
have the option of working forty hours of overtime or eighty
hours of overtime... except when we say you can't work ANY
overtime.

PROMOTION - The Company rewards hard work and devotion. We
like to think that if you work hard and devote enough time
and energy to the company, you will be rewarded by being
allowed to train the CEO's son when he is promoted to Vice
President over you.

STOCK OPTIONS - You may buy shares in the company when it
goes public. So named because you'll be working in the
stock room at Wal-Mart when the company goes belly-up due
to your incompetence.

401k - This is how much money you'll lose under your "Stock
Option" plan.

HELLTH PLAN - No, that isn't a misprint; you now belong to
an H.M.O. That stands for "Hell's Medical Organization." It
was organized by some of Hell's finest minds: Hitler, Genghis
Khan, and Josef Stalin worked night and day to create a
162-page manual documenting the exact terms of your coverage,
but it all boils down to three points:

   1) You belong to the HMO. We mean that literally - as of now,
      the HMO owns you. To insure that you don't forget your
      subscriber number, we will tattoo it to your forehead.

   2) You have been assigned a primary care physician. You will
      not be told your physician's name. You may never see your
      physician. Your physician is imaginary. If you see any
      doctor without express written permission of your imaginary
      primary care physician, you will be forced to pay full price,
      plus eat your weight in lard.

   3) You are not covered under this plan.

TERMINATION - All employees will be given two weeks notice upon
being fired. We like to feel that this gives an employee a "grace
period" to steal all of the office supplies that he or she may
have forgotten to take during his or her period of employment.

COMPLAINTS - May be made anonymously in the box marked "Complaints"
in the employee break room. All complaints will be reviewed,
processed, and fed to an angry Rottweiler named Frankie.


*********************
My grandpa told me to remember two things in life.
Look out for Number One, and remember your number.
             - Orville Cogswell



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Date:    Wed, 8 Aug 2001 13:46:19 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: What I Want In A Man (A Female Perspective)

 What I Want in a Man - Original List

       1.  Handsome
       2.  Charming
       3.  Financially successful
       4.  A caring listener
       5.  Witty
       6.  In good shape
       7.  Dresses with style
       8.  Appreciates finer things
       9.  Full of thoughtful surprises
      10.  An imaginative, romantic lover


 What I Want in a Man, Revised List  (age 32)

   1.  Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
   2.  Opens car doors, holds chairs
   3.  Has enough money for a nice dinner
   4.  Listens more than talks
   5.  Laughs at my jokes
   6.  Carries bags of groceries with ease
   7.  Owns at least one tie
   8.  Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
   9.  Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
   10. Seeks romance at least once a week


 What I Want in a Man, Revised List  (age 42)

   1.  Not too ugly (bald head OK)
   2.  Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
   3.  Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
   4.  Nods head when I'm talking
   5.  Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
   6.  Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
   7.  Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
   8.  Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
   9.  Remembers to put the toilet seat down
   10. Shaves most weekends


 What I Want in a Man, Revised List  (age 52)

   1.  Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
   2.  Doesn't belch or scratch in public
   3.  Doesn't borrow money too often
   4.  Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
   5.  Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
   6.  Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
   7.  Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
   8.  Appreciates a good TV dinner
   9.  Remembers your name on occasion
   10. Shaves some weekends


 What I Want in a Man, Revised List  (age 62)

   1. Doesn't scare small children
   2. Remembers where bathroom is
   3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
   4. Only snores lightly when asleep
   5. Remembers why he's laughing
   6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
   7. Usually wears some clothes
   8. Likes soft foods
   9. Remembers where he left his teeth
   10. Remembers that it's the weekend


 What I Want in a Man, Revised List  (age 72)

   1. Breathing
   2. Doesn't miss the toilet

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Date:    Wed, 8 Aug 2001 08:10:19 -1000
From:    Mickey&Karen <mhenn@GTE.NET>
Subject: she's fast and loose<adult off to women>

I'm not saying she's fast and loose, but...

...she's really a "home girl", and she doesn't care whose.

...she's leading a delightful sexistence.

...her motto is "to err is human, and it feels soooo divine."

...when she dances, she doesn't know the difference between writhe & wrong.

...she owes most of her jewelry to "The Power of Positive Winking".

...she's climbing the ladder of success, lad by lad.

...she's kissed so many sailors, her lips move with the tide.

...when a guy sez "say when" pouring drinks, she sez "after this drink".

...she knows how to say "yes" in 17 different languages.

...in college, she *earned* the nickname "Hoover".

...she wears a velcro-close bra.

...her exercise program is "Jumping Jack".


     (via Original Sins)

******************************
"I believe you should place a woman on a pedestal,
  high enough so you can look up her dress."   --  Steve Martin

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Date:    Wed, 8 Aug 2001 13:27:27 -0700
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: August 8, 1974 - Nixon Announces Resignation <Adult>

In a nationally televised address, President Richard Nixon announced his =
intention to resign effective noon the next day. With impeachment =
certain for his involvement in the Watergate affair, Nixon was bowing to =
pressure from the public and Congress. He became the first president in =
American history to resign.

NIXON DISEASE       =20
HiIliary Clinton goes to a new doctor in Washington for an examination =
and he discovers that she has CRABS.  He thinks to himself, "How am I =
going to tell the 1st lady that she has crabs?"

After the exam he tells her to get dressed and meet him back in his =
office. Once there he proceeds to tell her that she has a very unusual =
condition. She is quite concerned and asks him what it is. He responds =
that she is suffering from NIXON'S  DISEASE.

She says, "WHAT?"

He again responds, "Nixon's  Disease."

She says, "Level with me doc, what does it mean?"

He responds, "Well Mrs. Clinton, to put it very bluntly, you've got bugs =
in your oval office!!"
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"It is the responsibility of the media to look at the President with a =
microscope, but they go too far when they use a proctoscope."
-- Former President Richard Nixon

Sandy (AKA Ms Sam)
http://chucklesofchoice.com

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Date:    Wed, 8 Aug 2001 16:15:04 -0700
From:    Keith E. Sullivan <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Putting a New Spin on Fast Food

PUTTING A NEW SPIN ON FAST FOOD
Rick Steelhammer (August 5, 2001)

The McDonald's fast-food empire is extending its golden arches into the =
Caribbean to introduce a menu designed to capture Latin American =
customers.

According to an Associated Press account, the new Hispanic-friendly menu =
will include a "classic Cuban" sandwich featuring ham, pork, Swiss =
cheese, pickles and mustard on toasted Cuban bread, and Dulce de Leche =
McFlurries, made from caramelized sweetened condensed milk.  The new =
menu debuted last weekend in South Florida.

Breakfast at Miami-area Mickey D's now includes Latin Mc-Omelets, with =
diced tomatoes, ham, onions and spicy cheese on fresh-baked rolls.  At =
lunch, Chicken McNugget dunkers will have access to a new =
mango-pineapple dipping sauce.

Should the hamburger-hustling chain choose to improve its market =
position here in Southern West Virginia, where the Super-sized Big Mac =
Combo is already considered high cuisine, more menu changes could be in =
the works.

The possibilities are endless and could include:

The McMountaineer -- Two all-beef baked steak patties, mashed potatoes, =
gravy and slaw on thick-sliced white-bread toast.

Chicken McLugnuts -- Chicken tenders branded with the numbers of the top =
Winston Cup drivers and stamped in the shape of NASCAR lugnuts are =
deep-fried in "McDW-40" high-performance vegetable oil.  Dipping sauces =
include Talladega Tabasco, Pocono Peanut and Bristol Bismol.

USS West Virginia Breakfast Torpedo -- Introduced to commemorate the =
nuclear submarine named in the state's honor, this new item is =
guaranteed to get the juices flowing -- while giving new meaning to the =
term "crew's mess."  Breakfast Torpedoes consist of fried bologna, fried =
potatoes, fried ramps, refried pinto beans, shredded American cheese and =
hot pepper sauce wrapped in a flour burrito and deep-fried to =
perfection.

The McCardiac Classic -- Three all-beef patties, four strips of bacon, =
four sausage links, special sauce, pickles, onion, two slices of =
American cheese and three sesame seed buns, served with a side of fried =
pork rind nachos, will provide the fuel needed to keep you and your =
arteries clogging all day long.

The McFurry -- McDonald's introduces new line of whipped ice cream =
desserts, topped with specially colored cotton candy, to honor West =
Virginia's game-hunting tradition.  West Virginia McFurries come in =
Whipped Whitetail, Grey Squirrel Slush, Iced Snowshoe Hare, Red Squirrel =
Smash, Wild Boar Blizzard, Raccoon Typhoon, Awesome Possum and Black =
Bear Split.

=A9 Copyright 2000 Sunday Gazette-Mail
http://sundaygazettemail.com/news/Columns/200108045/

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