Digest for Sunday, August 05, 2001

There are 11 messages totalling 601 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. The Yugo
  2. Aug 5th, 1861 Incoming! Civil War Income Tax
  3. What us OldFs remember
  4. Political Philosophies.....
  5. Top 15 Phrases Youre Least Likely To See In Your Companys Annual Report
  6. You need a new Lawyer when . . .
  7. Random thoughts on the passing scene
  8. Now..PASS that CoLLECTion pLATE
  9. Ode to =?iso-8859-1?Q?SPAM=81?=
  10. Owl Hooting - A True Story
  11. His sweet tooth


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Date:    Sun, 5 Aug 2001 08:24:50 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: The Yugo

A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce.
The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the
driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car.  You got a
phone in your Rolls?  I've got one in my Yugo!"

The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes I have a
phone."

The driver of the Yugo says, "Cool!  Hey, you got a fridge in
there, too? I've got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!"

The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a
refrigerator."

The driver of the Yugo says, "That's great, man!  Hey, you got a
TV in there, too?  You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my
Yugo!"

The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, "Of
course I have a television.  A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury
car in the world!"

The driver of the Yugo says, "Very cool car!  Hey, you got a bed
in there, too?  I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!"

Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce
sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly
ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls.

The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car, and
the bed looked superb, with satin sheets and brass trim.  It was
clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce.  So the driver of the Rolls
begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove all day.  Finally,
late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows
fogged up from the inside.

The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo.  When
there isn't any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually
the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet.

"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of
the Rolls stated arrogantly.

The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said, "You got me out of
the shower to tell me THIS??

[Thanks to Mary Myers]

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Sun, 5 Aug 2001 07:08:09 -0700
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: Aug 5th, 1861 Incoming! Civil War Income Tax

The American Government handed down the first Income Tax as part of the =
Revenue Act of 1861. The tax, which was levied on incomes over $800, was =
designed to help fund the Civil War. However, the measure was =
short-lived, as the government rescinded it in 1872.=20
=20
=20
FLAGS
A Dutchman was explaining the red, white, and blue Netherlands flag to =
an American. "Our flag is symbolic of our taxes. We get red when we talk =
about them, white when we get our tax bills and blue after we pay them."

The American nodded. "It's the same in the USA only we see stars too!"
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

IRS MISSION STATEMENT   =20
The following is the actual Mission Statement of the Internal Revenue =
Service taken from the United States Department of Treasury Publication =
594. At least the IRS has a sense of humor.

"The purpose of the Internal Revenue Service is to collect the proper =
amount of tax revenue at the least cost; serve the public by continually =
improving the quality of our products and services; and perform in a =
manner warranting the highest degree of public confidence in our =
integrity, efficiency and fairness."
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

IRS SCAM
WARNING! PLEASE READ IMMEDIATELY! THIS IS SERIOUS!=20

If you get an envelope from a company called the Internal Revenue =
Service, DO NOT OPEN IT! This group operates a scam around this time =
every year. Their letter claims that you owe them money, which they will =
take and use to pay for the operation of essential functions of the =
United States government.=20

This is untrue! The money the IRS collects is used to fund various =
inefficient and pointless social engineering projects. This organization =
has ties to another shady outfit=20
called the Social Security Administration, who claim to take money from =
your regular paychecks and save it for your retirement. In truth, the =
SSA uses the money to pay for the same misguided make-work projects the =
IRS helps mastermind.=20

These scam artists have bilked honest, hard working Americans out of =
billions of dollars. Don't be among them!=20

FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!

Sandy (AKA Ms Sam)
http://chucklesofchoice.com

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Date:    Sun, 5 Aug 2001 09:51:42 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau <Pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: What us OldFs remember

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A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the father of a goat.

Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes.

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3-in. floppy
You hoped nobody found out.

Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while.

Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode.

Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu.

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head.
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead.

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Date:    Sun, 5 Aug 2001 11:06:55 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Political Philosophies.....

       POLITICAL PHILOSOPHIES - IN "TWO COW" TERMS:

 SOCIALISM
 You have two cows.
 You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

 COMMUNISM
 You have two cows,
 The government takes them both and provides you with milk.

 FASCISM
 You have two cows,
 the government takes them and sells you the milk.

 BUREAUCRACY
 You have two cows.
 The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for
 the milk and then pours it down the drain.

 CAPITALISM
 You have two cows,
 you sell one and buy a bull.

 CORPORATE
 You have two cows,
 You sell one, force the other to produce the milk of four cows, then act
 surprised when it drops dead.

 DEMOCRACY
 You have two cows,
 the government taxes you to the point that you must sell them both in
 order to support a man in a foreign country that has only one cow which
 was a gift from your government.

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Date:    Sun, 5 Aug 2001 11:10:07 -0400
From:    The Punk With The Stutter <the-punk-with-the-stutter@HOME.COM>
Subject: Top 15 Phrases You're Least Likely To See In Your Company's Annual
         Report

as submitted to www.Dilbert.com

1.  "As you can see from this graph, smart people will be pulling their
money out of this company faster than you can say NASDAQ."

2.  "Since you bought shares after reading our unbelievable prospectus, we
realize that you're gullible enough to believe anything else we tell you."

3.  "Due to the incredible clarity of our page-long mission statement, our
company has solved world-hunger, created a lasting peace on Earth and now
all employees are intelligent, hardworking and happy in their jobs."

4.  "Our massive profits are due to the fact we are cheating our customers
at every turn."

5.  "Sales were off this year, but our Returns department did a booming
business."

6.  "Our employees are our greatest asset -- but we'll fire half of them if
our stock drops a dollar."

7.  "Our rise in costs this year can be attributed to two things: 1) Keeping
the thermostat too high this winter and 2) Poor management. Next year, we
pledge to turn the thermostat down."

8.  "Staff turnover of 50% in a month has given the development department a
new sense of focus and fresh ideas."

9.  "Despite all of the recent layoffs, employee morale is at its
highest..."

10.  "... and a record number of resumes went out the door during the first
quarter."

11.  "We are currently producing nothing, we currently have no orders to
produce anything, and we don't expect any orders for the rest of this fiscal
year.  Hurry, buy our stock while it still has a value that can be
measured."

12.  "Corporate directors will take a pay cut to avoid layoffs."

13.  "A recent survey showed that large North American Moose don't make good
drivers and spend less than other consumers, especially on electrical
goods."

14.  "This year we have the same profit margin as last year, and we're happy
with that.  We decided last year's goal to triple our already multi-million
dollar annual was really kind of greedy."

15.  "We're really sorry."

Dilbertę1999 United Feature Syndicate, Inc.

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Date:    Sun, 5 Aug 2001 15:00:45 -0500
From:    Randall Woodman <rwoodman@HOME.COM>
Subject: You need a new Lawyer when . . .

You Know You Need A New Lawyer When:

-  The prosecutor sees your lawyer inthe hall,
    and they high-five each other.

- During your initial consultation he tries to
  sell you Amway.

- He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."

- He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."

- During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.

- Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack
  Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to drink  a shot.

- He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.

- Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those
  little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.

- Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the
  judge,  "Whatever."

- He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs."

- He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.

- He begins closing arguments with, "As
  Ally McBeal once said..."

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=} Randall {=-   Criminal lawyer.....isn't that redundant?

Need a tagline?  Visit http://www.taglinesgalore.com/

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Date:    Sun, 5 Aug 2001 10:14:17 -1000
From:    Mickey&Karen <mhenn@GTE.NET>
Subject: Random thoughts on the passing scene

 Will Rogers said that the
way to end highway congestion is to have the government build
the cars and private industry build the highways. Democrats are
the only reason to vote for Republicans. With all the political
hysteria being whipped up this year about school shootings, more
children are killed each year by bee stings -- and far more are
killed by airbags mandated by the government.

If we could take our great grandparents around on a tour of
America as it is today, they would not only be astonished by all the
things we have, they would be even more astonished by all the
whining because we don't have more.

While obituraries of George C. Scott rightly featured his classic
performance in "Patton," he also starred in a hilarious comedy
called "Movie Movie" that no one seems to remember.

In the debates about when life begins, one of the more extreme
positions is that life begins when a man and a woman sit down to
share a glass of wine. By being too squeamish to punish "first
offenders," we are being cruel in the long-run.

Instead of nipping some criminal careers in the bud, we let young
people think the law is a joke -- which can then lead them into
more crimes and eventually hard time in prison. When my
daughter recently asked me what the Department of Energy does,
it was hard to answer.

What she really meant was: "What does it accomplish?" The
answer is practically nothing, except creating a nuisance with
regulations and red tape. One of the worst things done by the vast
expansion of the welfare state is that it has created a whole class of
hustlers who spend their time extracting what others have
produced, rather than producing anything themselves.

Like other hustlers, they range from the ordinary streetwalker level
on up to the level of the Hollywood madams -- from welfare
cheats to smooth-talkers running all sorts of boondoggle programs
with the taxpayers' money.

I admire courage in a boxer and cowardice in a pilot -- especially if
he is piloting a plane that I am in. Those who are being stampeded
into supporting government programs to deal with "urban sprawl"
need to understand that the growth of government is far more
dangerous than the growth of cities. If you have to worry about
something, worry about government sprawl.

At the height of McCarthyism, there was not as much blacklisting
of people as there is today by leftists in academia against scholars
who do not share their vision of the world. Try finding a
Republican in a sociology department.

Politics is about power -- not about compassion or any of the other
mushy stuff that politicians use to get power. Nothing is easier
than to get photographed in the midst of smiling children as both
the Clintons so often do. Even Hitler and Stalin were
photographed in the midst of smiling children, so it is an insult to
our intelligence to pull this old ploy again at this late date.

The estate tax is a monument to envy. It wreaks havoc with
families where parents try to leave something to their children, but
it brings in little, if any, money to the government. Some people
claim that the government actually loses money, on net balance,
from estate taxes, but these taxes remain popular because they
allow a blow to be struck against those who are envied.

Esau sold his birthright for a mess of pottage. Today, we sell our
birthright of freedom and independence for political promises of
pottage. The Social Security mess shows how much those
promises are worth. Esau made a good deal -- compared to us. At
least he got the pottage.

For reasons unknown, people have often turned to me as an expert
on welfare, even though I have never written an article or a book
on the subject. If you want a real expert on welfare and poverty,
try Robert Rector of the Heritage Foundation in Washington.

I like limericks, but have been unable to finish writing one that
begins: "A dental assistant named Floss Liked to fool around with
her boss" Any suggestions about what should come next?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"[C]onservatives are wasting their time, energy and votes if they stay in
the
Republican Party. No more than the Democrats do the Republicans honor
the Constitution. They merely violate it at a slower pace." -- Joseph
Sobran

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Date:    Sun, 5 Aug 2001 17:58:03 -0500
From:    RANEBOUX <raneboux@BELLSOUTH.NET>
Subject: Now..PASS that CoLLECTion  pLATE

Due to the great consternation caused by the
 revelation of my act of
 procreation, I accept my obligation to give an
 explanation to the population
 for my act of copulation.

 I gave in to temptation for the anticipation of
 sexual gratification, that I
 could not obtain through masturbation, which
 resulted in my fornication.

 I accepted her invitation, and provided her with
 excitation, stimulation,
 penetration, replication, and liberation.

 She provided lubrication (to avoid inflammation) and
 I wore condoms to avoid
 contamination.

 She cried for duplication but I insisted upon
 termination, in spite of her
 fascination with variation.

 This has caused me great aggravation, and the
 agitation and provocation of
 the media has resulted in my humiliation,
 denigration, and degradation.

 My wife is considering castration, which would
 require my hospitalization.

 Pray that this matter will find culmination in my
 sanctification and
 rehabilitation so that my plans for nomination to my
 ultimate vocation will
 not result in revocation and termination.

 I hope this proclamation has provided illumination
 and verification and will
 prohibit further provocation.

 Sincerely,

 The Rev. Jesse Jackson



__________________________________
RANEBOUX
        eternal
  ___====___====___
_________-----_________
          since 1903
 We support monkey business
        & any other un-natural acts

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Date:    Sun, 5 Aug 2001 17:44:16 -0600
From:    Emko Witteveen <emko@MAC.COM>
Subject: Ode to =?iso-8859-1?Q?SPAM=81?=

Oh SPAM(tm)!  Oh SPAM(tm)!  Gourmet delight!
My food by day, my dreams by night.
To carve, to slice, to dice you up -
pureed in a blender and sipped from a cup.

What shining deity from Olympus knelt
down to the earth and hog butt smelt?
Creating then man's eternal desire
for swine entrails congealed by fire.

On some corporate farm, a pig has died.
Eyes, tongue, and snout end up inside
that cube of SPAM(tm) hidden in the can
I now hold in my trembling hand.

More than mere food, SPAM(tm) is for me
a hedonistic expression of gluttonous glee.
Mottled with pork fat, the pink cube engrosses.
My mouth takes it in, my intestine disposes.

Long have my arteries clogged to the sound
of sizzling SPAM(tm) when there's no one around -
furtively chewing or swallowing whole.
Triple bypass by forty, my medical goal.

Other processed meat products I've tried or declined
Vienna Sausages, Treet, even pig's feet in brine.
Though each may be tasty in different ways,
none matches SPAM(tm) for gelatinous glaze.

That glistening pinkness beckons me
with gristle, fat, and BHT.
Oh SPAM(tm), my SPAM(tm) - the taste, the smell!
The sacred meat product, from Hormel.

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Date:    Mon, 6 Aug 2001 09:08:50 +0800
From:    Yeow Jit San (Benjamin) (Central) <JSYEOW@DIGI.COM.MY>
Subject: Owl Hooting - A True Story <Adult Theme>

 Each evening bird lover Tom Rowe stood in his backyard
 in Devon, England, hooting like an owl - and one night,
 an owl called back to him.

 For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back
 and forth. Rowe even kept a log of the "conversation."
 Just as Rowe thought he was on the verge of a
 breakthrough in inter-species communication, his wife
 had a chat with next door neighbor, Nancy Hollis.

 "My husband spends his nights...calling out to owls,"
 said Mrs. Rowe.

 "That's odd," Mrs. Hollis replied. "So does my John."

 Then it dawned on them.

 ----------------------------------------------------------
 From Crazie.Net Humor Mailing List <crazie@crazie.net>
 ----------------------------------------------------------

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Date:    Mon, 6 Aug 2001 00:38:07 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau <Pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: His sweet tooth

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Little Tommy had been to a birthday party at a friend's house.

Knowing his sweet tooth, Tommy's mother looked straight into
his eyes and said, "I hope you didn't ask for a second piece
of cake."

"No," replied Tommy, "but I asked Mrs. Smith for the recipe
so you could make some like it, and she gave me two more
pieces without me asking."

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