Digest for Friday, August 03, 2001

There are 11 messages totalling 650 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Dont Trust White Men
  2. Lawyer Joke
  3. Research.....
  4. Not The Best Pickup Lines
  5. Potholes
  6. Weird Business News #39 (2nd of 3)
  7. Old Gal
  8. August 3, 1750 - First Teaching Manual
  9. Jim Mullens Hot Sheet
  10. Puns of the Weak 8/3/01 Part 1
  11. Drinking profiles


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Date:    Fri, 3 Aug 2001 14:05:22 +0800
From:    Yeow Jit San (Benjamin) (Central) <JSYEOW@DIGI.COM.MY>
Subject: Don't Trust White Men

 When white man found this land, Indians were running it.

 No Taxes...

 No Debt...

 Plenty Buffalo...

 Plenty beaver!

 Women did most of the work.

 Medicine Man free!

 Indian men hunted and fished all the time!

 White man came and told the Indian, "We're going to
 make your life better."

 Yeah, right!

 ----------------------------------------------------------
 Crazie.Net Humor Mailing List <crazie@crazie.net>
 Our Crazie Site, http://crazie.net
 ----------------------------------------------------------

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Date:    Fri, 3 Aug 2001 05:46:32 -0500
From:    Randall Woodman <rwoodman@HOME.COM>
Subject: Lawyer Joke

There was a job opening in the country’s most prestigious law firm and it
finally comes down to Robert and Paul. Both graduated magna cum laude from
law school. Both come from good families. Both are equally attractive and
well spoken. It’s up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each
aside and asks, "Why did you become a lawyer?"

In seconds, he chooses Paul.

Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside. "I don’t understand why I was rejected.
When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the
greatest respect for the law, that I’d lay down my life for the Constitution
and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did
you tell him?"

"I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Paul replies.

"Your hands? What do you mean?"

"Well, I took a look one day and there wasn’t any money in either of them!"

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=} Randall {=-   A bevy of quail, a pride of lions, a coven of lawyers.

Need a tagline?  Visit http://www.taglinesgalore.com/

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Date:    Fri, 3 Aug 2001 07:05:46 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Research.....

         19 THINGS IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN
                                              ....by Dave Barry


 1.  Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on
     the same night.

 2.  If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race
     has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that
     word would be "meetings."

 3.  There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

 4.  People who want to share their religious views with you almost never
     want you to share yours.

 5.  And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its
     glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use,
     as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

 6.  You should not confuse your career with your life.

 7.  No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
     seriously.

 8.  When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one
     individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command.
     Very often, that individual is crazy.

 9.  Nobody cares if you can't dance well.  Just get up and dance.

 10. Never lick a steak knife.

 11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

 12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

 13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling
     reason why we observe daylight savings time.

 14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests
     that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby
     emerging from her at that moment.

 15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to
     make a big deal about your birthday.  That time is age eleven.

 16. "The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,
      gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that,
      deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

 17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy
     people who are not in them.

 18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice
     person.

 19. Your friends love you anyway.

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Date:    Fri, 3 Aug 2001 08:20:15 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <PBenoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: Not The Best Pickup Lines <adult>

- Your sister's a real knock-out. Is one of you adopted?

- For the longest time I lived with a hairdresser named Brice,
  but then I had this sudden relapse of heterosexuality.

- When we get back to my apartment, whatever you do, don't
  tease the pony.

- You know, if my wife wasn't so hung up on this faithfulness
  thing, she'd probably say you were my cutest girlfriend yet.

- You can trust me, I'm a lawyer.

- I had to break up with my last girlfriend. She welded a
  coat-hanger to the metal plate in her head and was using
  it as antenna to read my thoughts.

- No, really, I read Playboy for the articles.

- My most painful memory? Hmmm... That would have to be when
  those three guys cornered me in the showers in prison.

- Who can blame Woody Allen?

- I've been studying this new age stuff with a guy who channels
  Ed Sullivan. Last week I channeled Topo Gigio and told him
  where he could stick it.

- After our last date, when I got home I had this aching in the
  pit of my stomach. I thought it was because I missed you, but
  it turned out to be food poisoning.

- I'm not free Sunday. I'm going to help OJ look for the real
  killer.

- If I was a woman, I'd have Rush Limbaugh's baby.

- I guess in retrospect that 'Clay Messiah: Parallels Between
  Jesus and Gumby' wasn't the best title for a doctoral thesis.

- How about after dinner we take a romantic stroll by the oil
  refinery? The fumes give you a really cool buzz.

- Now I'm just speaking hypothetically here, but let's say you
  were at some guy's house, opened the refrigerator, and saw a
  human head. Would you call the cops?

- I was thinking tonight we'd go to a French restaurant. Have
  you ever been to Jacques En Ze Box?

- I always wanted to be a doctor, but I couldn't get into med
  school, so now I just pursue gynecology as a hobby. I even
  have my own stirrups.


**********************
On second thought, let's turn off the lights.



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Date:    Fri, 3 Aug 2001 09:33:10 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Potholes

A New Yorker was flying to Los Angeles and when the airliner
reached Arizona the announcement was made that they were now
passing over the Grand Canyon.

He looked down for a few seconds and then went back to his
magazine.

The stewardess said, "You don't seem too impressed."

The New Yorker said, "You've seen one pothole, you've seen
them all!"

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Fri, 3 Aug 2001 11:06:17 -0300
From:    Ken Brousseau Sr <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Weird Business News #39 (2nd of 3)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist, Jim Barlow.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                      People do anything for attention.

  The Education Spells Success Award to Sarah Silva and Mitch Houseman
of Arroyo Grande High School in the California city of that name.
After going to their senior prom dressed entirely in duct tape, each
received a $2,500 college scholarship from Duck Tape brand.

  Business names in the news:

  SmellTheCoffee.com of Houston, which provides a Web site featuring coffee
  information, news and products.

  John Lusty Group of London, which imports and distributes food to
supermarkets.

  The Locker Dog Co. of Chatham, N.J., which makes locker organizers
for law enforcement officials.

  The Black Lick-American Mine in Pike County, Ark., which produces diamonds.

  MillionEyes.com, a designer of Web interaction solutions, whatever that is.

  Savage Design Group of Houston. No, that's not its nature. Paula
Savage is president of the company, which designs marketing and
identity programs, branding strategies and annual reports.

  Brainpool TV, a German entertainment company.

  Catapult Creative Group of Morristown, N.J., designs Internet Web sites.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  By JIM BARLOW - Copyright 2001 Houston Chronicle

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Date:    Fri, 3 Aug 2001 07:49:18 -1000
From:    Mickey&Karen <mhenn@GTE.NET>
Subject: Old Gal

    I have become a little older since I saw you last, and a few changes
    have come into my life since then. Frankly, I have become a frivolous
    old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen everyday. As soon as I wake up, Will
    Power helps me get out of bed. Then I go to see John. Then Charlie Horse
    comes along, and when he is here he takes a lot of my time and
    attention. When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of
    the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me
    from joint to joint. After such a busy
    day, I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a life.
    Oh yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer.

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Date:    Fri, 3 Aug 2001 12:29:14 -0700
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: August 3, 1750 - First Teaching Manual

August 3, 1750 - Christopher Dock completed the first book of teaching =
methods. It was titlted "A Simple and Thoroughly Prepared School =
Management."

THE UNOFFICIAL MANUAL (for Graduate Teaching Assistants Teaching =
Introductory Computer Science Courses for Non-majors)

LATE HOMEWORK=20
1.When a student turns in his/her project two weeks late and asks for =
full credit, accept the late work and tell them that it will be awarded =
full credit. However, do inform them that you will not have time to =
grade it until after you complete your Ph.D.

DISRUPTIVE STUDENTS
1.If students will not stop talking when the class period begins, =
announce that there will be a quiz the following day on today's lecture. =
Then leave.
2.If your students are prone to reading the school paper in class, try =
taking out a full page ad in the paper informing them that they are =
going to flunk your class.

LECTURES
1.In the event that you are unprepared for a lecture, be sure to use the =
class time to stress to the class the importance of keeping up with the =
readings. In fact, spend most of the class time stressing this.
2.When the time comes to lecture on a subject you know nothing about, =
the art of controlled digression is invaluable. Here, you try to incite =
unrelated questions from the class which you answer at length. Then at =
the end of class you scold them for digressing and tell them they'll =
just have to get the material from the book.

GRADING
1.Always use a fire engine red felt-tip marker with a 1/2 inch tip to =
grade papers. Position your comments strategically so that they spell =
"DUMB" when seen from a distance.
2.You may grade assignments however you like. Here is a guide to quick =
and easy grading:
20 % Name
20 % Penmanship
50 % Homework is stapled together
10 % The work itself   =20
Warning: Be prepared for a 60% class average.

GRADING ERRORS   =20
1.If student A approaches you complaining that an answer on their exam =
was marked incorrect but was marked correct on student B's exam, =
promptly mark student B's answer incorrect as well. This will redirect =
the heat from you onto student A.

EXTRA CREDIT
1.If students request extra credit to make up for the homework they =
didn't turn in, be sure to make the opportunity available to them. Some =
good extra credit problems are:   =20
a. Solve the dining philosophers problem, using semaphores.
b. Write a C compiler for the Commodore 64.
c. Translate Moby Dick into ASCII-8 code with a leftmost odd parity bit.
d. Design a replacement for the 80486 chip.
e. Build a File Allocation Table (FAT) out of balsa wood.
2.You may also wish to tell the student that they can do extra credit =
work while you decide whether to accept it. When the student turns in =
the work, decide against it.

CHEATING   =20
1.When it is obvious to you that several people have copied each others =
homework, grade one person's work on a separate sheet of paper, then =
photocopy your comments onto everyone else's homework.
2.Should you have very skilled cheaters in your class, try giving =
incorrect information during your lectures. This should result in =
incorrect answers on exams. Examples that have proven effective at this =
technique include:
a. The three components of a computer system are Larry, Moe, and Curly.  =
 =20
b. The only possible digits in the binary system are 0, 1, and 2.   =20
c. The three components of the CPU are the ALU, REGISTERS and cheap =
bathroom lighting fixtures.   =20
d. The microphone is an output device.   =20
e. "Booting" the computer involves waving a large magnet over your hard =
drive for 60 seconds.   =20
f. MS-DOS is the operating system for the CRAY Y-MP.   =20
g. When preparing to purchase a new computer system running Windows, you =
should make sure it has at least 128,000 bytes of main memory.   =20
h. Protocols include saluting your computer and calling the mouse "sir". =
  =20
i. CPU stands for Ceramic Public Urinal.   =20
j. Structured Programming says that you can write any computer program =
using only three basic control structures: Sequence, Selection and =
Guessing.
(Author Unknown)

Sandy (AKA Ms Sam)
http://chucklesofchoice.com

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Date:    Fri, 3 Aug 2001 16:59:40 -0400
From:    The Punk With The Stutter <the-punk-with-the-stutter@HOME.COM>
Subject: Jim Mullen's Hot Sheet

What the country is talking about this week...

1)  Madonna:  She's agreed to star in a film directed by her hubby.  All
they need now is for someone to agree to watch it.

2)  "Apocalypse Now Redux"  Almost an hour of footage has been added to
Coppola's Vietnam classic.  In this version, Fredo was running the war.

3)  Preseason football:  Watching football in August is like playing golf at
midnight.  Even if it's good, I won't like it.

4)  Eriq La Salle:  His prickly Dr. Benton will leave ER at the end of next
season.  In his final episode, they surgically remove a feather from his
butt.

5)  Lucy Lawless:  The ex-Warrior Princess will guest-star on "The X-Files"
next season.  As a special agent princess.

6)  James Dean:  A two-hour made-for-TV bio of the '50s legend portrays him
warts and all.  Without warts it would have been half an hour.

7)  Michael Flatley:  The Lord of the Dance is hanging up his dancing shoes.
Next to the hook where his shirt has been for the last 10 years.

8)  Paul McCartney:  He plans to marry 33-year-old former model Heather
Mills next year.  He's waiting for her to find out he was in a band before
Wings.

9)  Mariah Carey:  She was hospitalized due to "extreme exhaustion."  She's
too big a star to have plain old exhaustion.

10)  "Code Red" worm:  The program could slow the Internet to a crawl.
Taking the job away from the phone company.

11)  Wilt Chamberlain:  The sexually active athlete's mansion isn't selling.
Who needs a kitchen that sleeps six?

12)  Phone envy:  Motorola's new $400-plus cell phone is supposedly the
latest status symbol: "Oh, dear, still answering your own phone?"

13)  The thong:  The skimpy garment turns 20 in August.  Some designer was
just in the thong place at the right time.

14)  Vin Diesel:  The follically challenged "Fast and the Furious" hunk
signed a $10 million movie deal. They  must have him confused with Vin
Premium.

15)  Britney Spears:  Collectors say she's one of the stars least likely to
sign an autograph.  Making it more valuable—like Tiffany's or Debbie
Gibson's.

Copyright © 2001 Entertainment Weekly and Time Inc.

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Date:    Fri, 3 Aug 2001 21:27:47 -0700
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Puns of the Weak 8/3/01 Part 1

•A nun walks into a confessional and says, "Father, I have this
terrible habit..." (The Pun Page)
•The poet had written better poems, but he'd also written verse.
•Kangaroo: Spiritual advisor for metal food containers (Shank & Kegel)
•The medical student likes ham because it’s easily cured. (Jumble)
•The last-minute replacement for the sick magician really did the trick.
•Most American cheeses are made from cow’s milk. Greek cheese, of
course, is processed goat milk. But only the New Zealanders have
perfected making cheese from sheep milk. Yes, in New Zealand, farms are
put to good ewes (Stan Kegel)
•Grave: The last resort (Lee Daniel Quinn)
•In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man
and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has
rested. (Terry Galen)
•Piston:  Ill-treated. (Anne Shank)
•Samuel is most famous for rewriting the Merchant of Venice from the
point of view of Shylock. His novel is called what? “The Weigh of all
Flesh” (Stan Kegel)
•"I was in the Olympics. I threw those circular objects," Tom discussed.
•A boy come home from school with his exam results. "What did you get?"
asked his father. "My marks are under water," said the boy. "What do you
mean 'under water'?" "They're all below 'C' level."  (Richard Lederer)
•The peaceful tern about to be a mother, Reflects that two good terns
deserve another.(Clifton Fadiman)
•When the carpenters got together, they had a panel discussion  (Jumble)
•Blanket: What you do to a disk with unwanted data. (Phil Hudson)
•Mathematics teachers call retirement 'the aftermath'  (Pun of the Day)
•“Be sure to sell the gloves in pairs,” Tom advised evenhandedly. (Stan Kegel)
•Beethoven died in a castle without restrooms.  The place was positively
uncanny.  (Asa)
•My grandfather drank three glasses of prune juice every day.  He was a
regular guy. (Beckie Shiles)
•He's doing much butter since he found a whey of milking his firm of
expenses when none have been in curd.  (Archives)
•Some mothers believe that extending breast-feeding much longer than
typical results in better health and bonding with the child. Other women
see health benefits in breast-feeding, but don't want to titillate.
•A note left for a pianist from his wife: "Gone Chopin, have Liszt, Bach
in a Minuet." (MeMail)
•Hypotenuse:  Cooking with a double boiler. (Dennis Hammes)
•During the American revolution, the colonists used hens to sniff out
red-coat sympathizers. Thus, was born chicken catch a Tory.  (Archives)
•When farmers misrepresent crop yields, it's a reap lie. (Keith Martin)
•"I'm baking bread", said the cook, rising to the occasion. (Tim Bruening)
•Avalanche: In our house, we have a breakfast at eight and we always
avalanche at 12.30. (Geoff Tibballs)
•Soda truth comes out! It was a sundae when Abe 'n Anna split. (Bill Rayborn)
•An astronaut who fails on a weightlessness experiment must be aware of
the gravity of the situation. (Mike Bull)
•Auctioneer:  A man who looks forbidding. (Lexicon)
•There’s a vas deferens between having children and no children. (Jim Hawkins)
•Show me a young lad's bed and I'll show you a boy cot. (Dave Coble)
•"Why do you hang around with that sadist?"  "Beats me!" (Asa Sparks)
•CH2O: Sea water (Richard Lederer)
•Catalyst: A feline injury causing the animal to lean to one side. (Stan Kegel)
•On a long trek, nomads use camels to get them over the hump.
•The brass band turned the traffic tie-up into a jam session. (Jumble)
•What might be a young person's parting words to his host as he pays for
his low cost overnight accomodations with a credit card? Hostel a Visa
•Counterfeiter: A person who gets into trouble by following a good
example (Robert Meyers)
•Where do sheep go when they want to barter? To the five-and-ten because
they know they'll get their Woolworth.(Cynthia MacGregor)
•The food preservation company got out of a jam, but found itself in a
pickle. (Syman Hirsch)
•Why did they ban the story of the mother who worked her fingers to the
bone knitting hosiery to pay for her son's music lessons? Too much socks
and violins. (N. Sally Haas)
•Seldom: My cousin gave me two tickets to the Knicks game, so I seldom.
•Dismantled: The New York Yankees after 1968. (Ray Hand)
•My children prefer punishment in the heat of the moment rather than
waiting till I scold. (Alan F. G. Lewis)
•A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man
named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his
wife looked back and was turned to salt." His son asked, "What happened
to the flea?" (Clean Humor)
•A Czechoslovakian man was running from hit men and needed a place to
hide, so he ran into a bank and asked the teller, "Would you be so kind
as to cache a Czech?" (Andy Rominiecki)
•Farmer Fred had a problem arise when, upon preparing his prize bull for
market, the barn door slammed shut cutting the tail off the bull. His
prize bull was to be sold that very day,  yet now Farmer Fred couldn't
whole sale him or retail him.  (Archives)
•Is a lunch of brat & beer a frank and stein? (Anne Shank)
•Repealing: Sexton sounding the second service.  (J. A. Mc.)
•Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor
players. (Clean Laughs)
•"Do you play golf?" he would ask as a matter of course. (Weber & Bryan)
•Latex: To have sex with a Texan. (Tim Bruening)
•When native American honeybees move into a new hive (or teepee) they
sometimes throw a big party to celebrate. What is it called? A Hows
Swarming? (Gary Hallock)
•The pharaohs of Egypt worked out the first pyramid scheme. (Pun of the Day)
•What type of vehicle should you drive if you wish to have some
influence over the amount of precipitation that falls?  An Alter Rain
Vehicle   (Gary Hallock)
•My girl has a low-cut atomic bomb dress. 30% fallout.  (Henny Youngman)
 •Why were the Platters the sheep's favorite singing group? Because one
of their great hits was "Only Ewe."(Cynthia MacGregor)
•Undertaker: The last guy to let you down (Stan Moger)
•Steffi Graf is five months pregnant. This is the first time Andre
Agassi’s been pleased with a seeding. (Bill Scheft)

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Date:    Sat, 4 Aug 2001 00:03:15 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau <Pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Drinking profiles

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Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a
woman's personality based on what she drinks.
Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.

  The results:

   Drink: Beer
   Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
   Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

   Drink: Blender Drinks
   Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the buttocks.
   Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

   Drink: Mixed Drinks
   Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky
   taste;knows exactly what she wants.
   Your Approach: You won't have to approach her, if she is interested,
   she'll send YOU a drink.

   Drink: Wine - (does not include White Zinfandel, see below)
   Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
   Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings
   with friends.

   Drink: White Zinfandel
   Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually
   has no clue.
   Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is.... this should be
   an easy target.

   Drink: Shots
   Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get
   totally drunk...... and naked.
   Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this
   evening. Nothing to do but wait. However, be careful not to make her
   mad!

   Then there is the MALE addendum. The deal with guys is, as always,
   very simple and clear cut:

   Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.

   Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

   Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated
   image to help him get laid.

   Whiskey: He doesn't give a hoot about anything but getting laid.

   Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.

   White Zinfandel: He's gay

--------------26CFC051D6A3EEED69B24D52--

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