Digest for Thursday, August 02, 2001

There are 13 messages totalling 648 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Be Polite
  2. This Weeks Horoscopes
  3. Mating Bull
  4. Pastoral care
  5. Mike Tysons Ebonics Lessons.....
  6. Got A Drink??
  7. Marriage & Stuff
  8. Weird Business News #38\9 (1sy of 3)
  9. morality of it all
  10. August 2, Friendship Day
  11. Cat Humour
  12. Hes dying (Possibly offensive to AIDS or cancer patients)
  13. Only one apple!


----------------------------------------------------------------------


Date:    Thu, 2 Aug 2001 14:55:31 +0800
From:    Yeow Jit San (Benjamin) (Central) <JSYEOW@DIGI.COM.MY>
Subject: Be Polite

 A little boy and girl are playing in a sandbox.

 The little boy has to go to take a pee and he was told by
 his mother to always be polite and don't talk about
 private matters in public.

 At first he holds it in for a little while because he does
 not know what to say to the little girl to excuse himself.

 Then he remembers what his Mom had said at the
 restaurant to excuse herself from the table. So he turns
 to the little girl and says "Will you excuse me I have to
 go powder my nose."

 And saying that he leaps out of the sandbox and runs to
 the washroom. When he comes back the little girl looks
 up at him and asks "Did you powder your nose?"

 "Yes," said the little boy stepping back into the sandbox.

 "Well, then" says the little girl, "You'd better close your
 compact because your lipstick is hanging out!

 ----------------------------------------------------------
 Crazie.Net Humor Mailing List <crazie@crazie.net>
 Our Crazie Site, http://crazie.net
 ----------------------------------------------------------

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Date:    Thu, 2 Aug 2001 06:29:59 -0400
From:    The Punk With The Stutter <the-punk-with-the-stutter@HOME.COM>
Subject: This Week's Horoscopes

By Lloyd Schumner Sr.
Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B.-Certified Astrologer

Aries: (March 21--April 19)
Your children will grow up in a world very different from the one you live
in, thanks to a lucrative deal you will soon make with the Rigellians.

Taurus: (April. 20--May 20)
There's a part of you that wants to go to a remote, far-off place and start
eating everything in sight.

Gemini: (May 21--June 21)
You will wake up in a Calcutta flophouse between two dead Thai prostitutes,
which can mean only one thing: You're now officially in a rut.

Cancer: (June 22--July 22)
Next time someone comes to your house to tell you that your husband has been
shot, you should at least try to act surprised.

Leo: (July 23--Aug. 22)
Learning to love again will be hard for you: You've been burned before, and
the thick scar tissue still cracks every time you move.

Virgo: (Aug. 23--Sept. 22)
You are highly prized by those around you, mostly due to your high
concentrations of silver and antimony.

Libra: (Sept. 23--Oct. 23)
Confusion, a loss of self, and disorientation are your lot next week when
you are dubbed into Portuguese and rereleased in Brazil.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24--Nov. 21)
The stars wish to reveal a part of your destiny, but not in a
straightforward fashion. Let's just say it's bigger than a breadbox.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22--Dec. 21)
Cupid will take aim at your heart next week, killing you with the .45 he
keeps handy for major assholes.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22--Jan. 19)
You will soon have some very entertaining stories about how three species of
wombats became endangered.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20--Feb. 18)
You will spend much of the next week lying around aimlessly, largely because
of the lack of adenosine triphosphate in your limbs.

Pisces: (Feb. 19--March 20)
By strange coincidence, this week is the 60,000th anniversary of the
invention of the hand ax, a device that figures heavily in your future.
___  ___  ___  ___  ___  ___  ___
 Copyright 2001 Onion, Inc.

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Date:    Thu, 2 Aug 2001 05:37:53 -0500
From:    Randall Woodman <rwoodman@HOME.COM>
Subject: Mating Bull

A man takes his wife to the State Fair and one of the exhibits is that of
breeding bulls. They come up to the first pen and there is a sign that says,
"This Bull mated 50 times last year." The wife pokes her husband in the ribs
and says,

"He mated 50 times last year." They walked a little further and see another
pen with a sign that says "This Bull mated 120 times last year." The wife
hits her husband and says,

"That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him." They walk
further and a third pen has a Bull with a sign saying "This Bull mated 365
times last year." The wife gets really excited and says,

"That's once a day" You could REALLY learn something from  this one."

The husband looks at her and says, "Go up and ask him if it was with the
same cow ."

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=} Randall {=-   When a cow laughs, does milk come up its nose?

Need a tagline?  Visit http://www.taglinesgalore.com/

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Date:    Thu, 2 Aug 2001 05:40:34 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau <Pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Pastoral care

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After the birth of their child, an Episcopal priest,
wearing his clerical collar, visited his wife in the
hospital. He greeted her with a hug and a kiss,
and gave her another hug and kiss when he left.

Later, the wife's roommate commented,
"Your pastor is sure friendlier than mine."

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Date:    Thu, 2 Aug 2001 06:57:40 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Mike Tyson's Ebonics Lessons.....

 I apologize in advance for the political incorrectness; however, it is
 too funny not to pass on. I feel a little bit guilty that a good guy like
 me actually laughed at some of these but, hey, I'm human. Enjoy.

===========================================================================

 As part of his parole agreement, Mike Tyson has to go back to school and
 finish grade five. This is Mike's Ebonics homework assignment. He must
 use each vocabulary word in a sentence.

 1.  Hotel
 I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the ho tel everybody.

 2.  Dictate
 My girlfriend say my dic tate good.

 3.  Catacomb
 I saw Don King at da fights the other night. Man, somebody get that
 cat a comb.

 4.  Foreclose
 If I pay alimony today, I got no money fore close.

 5.  Rectum
 I had two Cadillac's, but my bitch rectum both.

 6.  Disappointment
 My parole officer tol' me if I miss dis appointment, they gonna send me
 back to the joint.

 7.  Penis
 I went to the doctors and he handed me a cup and said penis.

 8.  Israel
 Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, "man, it look fake." He say,
 "Bullshit, that watch i srael".

 9.  Undermine
 There's a fine lookin' ho living in the apartment undermine.

 10. Acoustic
 When I was little, my uncle bought me a coustic and took me to the pool
 hall.

 11. Iraq
 When we got to the pool hall, I tol' my uncle "i raq, you break."

 12. Stain
 My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her, "Do you plan on stain for
 dinner?"

 13. Fortify
 I axed this ho on da street, "how much?" she say "forti fy."

 14. Income
 I just got in bed wif da ho and in come my wife.

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Date:    Thu, 2 Aug 2001 08:00:25 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <PBenoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: Got A Drink??

"Bung some barley-sugar in hot water, spice it up with
 a close relative of cannabis, and allow it to go mouldy.
 Drink the result."
                    (from the Rev. Feorag NicBhride) **

   + =--= + =--= + =--= + =--= + =--= + =--= +

The drunk old lady was hunched over the bar, toothpick in hand,
spearing futilely at the olive in her drink. A dozen times the
olive eluded her.
Finally, another patron, who had been watching intently from
the next stool, became exasperated and grabbed the toothpick.
"Here, this is how you do it." he said, as he easily skewered
the olive.
"Big deal," muttered the old drunk. "I already had him so tired
out, he couldn't get away."

   + =--= + =--= + =--= + =--= + =--= + =--= +

A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in
New York and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod
in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of lillies.
"Tsk Tsk!" said the passerby to himself. "What a sad sight.
That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll
see if I can help."
So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked,
"What are you doing, my friend?"
"Fishin', sir."
"Fishin', eh? Well, how would you like to come have a drink
with me?"
The old man stood, put his rod away and followed the kind
stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of beer
and a fine cigar.
His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man,
and he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch this
morning?"
The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful
smoke ring and replied, "You're the sixth today, sir!"

   + =--= + =--= + =--= + =--= + =--= + =--= +

A cop pulls a guy over for weaving across two lanes of traffic.
He walks up to the driver's window and asks, "You drinkin'?"
The driver said, "Well, that depends - you buyin'?"

   + =--= + =--= + =--= + =--= + =--= + =--= +

Donovan, while visiting Italy, met a sailor from Venice. Before
long they found themselves in a tavern. After several hours of
heavy drinking the Italian finally slid under the table.
The Irishman staggered to his feet and announced,..
"I'm the first guy who ever drank a Venetian blind!"

   + =--= + =--= + =--= + =--= + =--= + =--= +

A man walks into a pub and, with the most sorry look on his face,
pleads to the bartender;
"Look, my wife has left me, I've been fired, I've just been mugged
for all my money, and I'm desperate for a drink. Can you help me out??"
"Of course," said the bartender, "The door is behind you. Do you want
to be pushed or carried?"

   + =--= + =--= + =--= + =--= + =--= + =--= +

A woman goes into a bar with a little Chihuahua dog on a leash.
She sits down at the bar next to Mike.
Mike, being a more than a little drunk rolls around, leans over,
and "Splat! " He pukes all over the dog. He looks down, sees the
little dog struggling in the pool of vomit, and slurs, "Sheee-it,
I don't remember eating that!"

   + =--= + =--= + =--= + =--= + =--= + =--= +

** So I asked... was this some old home-remedy or quack medicine?

 > Traditional beer - hops are a member of the Cannbicanae
 > family and are very closely related. Malt is made from
 > barley - you steep that to get malt extract which you
 > then boil with the hops.
 >
 > The quote is from the head brewer at the late, lamented
 > Worth/Commercial Brewery in Keighley, Yorkshire.
 >
 >   bb
 >   Feorag


*************************
Abstainer:  a weak person who yields to the temptation
of denying himself a pleasure.        - Ambrose Bierce



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intended for a specific individual and purpose, and is protected by law.  -
If you are not the intended recipient, you should delete this message and
are hereby notified that any disclosure, copying, or distribution of this
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Date:    Thu, 2 Aug 2001 09:03:23 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Marriage & Stuff

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way
to get your laundry done for free.
---------------------------------------------------------------
The most effective way to remember your wife's
birthday is to forget it once.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Getting married is very much like going to a
restaurant with friends. You order what you want,
then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish
you had ordered that.
---------------------------------------------------------------
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"

The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."
---------------------------------------------------------------
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
---------------------------------------------------------------
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does
it cost to get married?"

The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
---------------------------------------------------------------
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa
            a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness
was until I got married; and then it was too late."
---------------------------------------------------------------
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I
was a fool when I married you."

The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't
notice."
---------------------------------------------------------------
A man inserted an ad in the classifieds:
    "Wife wanted".

Next day he received a hundred letters. They
all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
---------------------------------------------------------------
When a man steals your wife, there is no better
revenge than to let him keep her. -Sacha Guitry
---------------------------------------------------------------
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The
rest cheat in Europe. - Jackie Mason
---------------------------------------------------------------
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Thu, 2 Aug 2001 11:36:58 -0300
From:    Ken Brousseau Sr <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Weird Business News #38\9 (1sy of 3)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist, Jim Barlow.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                   Weird encounters of the business kind.

  So here we are in a new month. You know what that means.  It's time
for another edition of Weird Business News, as we look at businesses
scrambling for a buck.

  Let's start off with the Ultimate Gift for the Female Yuppie in Your
Life. A 14-karat gold and diamond cover for her Nokia cell phone.
Just $10,000 from www.ashford.com. Now we just need something equally
expensive to cover her bottle of designer water.

  The Stop the Presses Award to Baskin-Robbins, which after a
nationwide survey of Americans announced our favorite ice cream is --
drum roll, please -- vanilla.

  Key West Microbrewery in the Florida city of that name used the
slogan, "Please drink and tan responsibly." Last month it defaulted
on the $7.4 million of municipal bonds sold to build its facility.
Perhaps it should have added, "And stiff the taxpayers" to that
slogan.

  Job Title of the Month. Michael A. Cheney is head of Marketing and
Depression Business at Cyberonics Inc. of Houston. What can I say?
Lighten up, Mike.
  Got a really ugly couch? Send a color photo to enter Sure Fit's
seventh annual Ugly Couch Contest. Win $2,000. Details at
www.surefit.com.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  By JIM BARLOW - Copyright 2001 Houston Chronicle

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Date:    Thu, 2 Aug 2001 08:00:20 -1000
From:    Mickey&Karen <mhenn@GTE.NET>
Subject: morality of it all<real adult>

  :  Doesn't it make you proud?
  :  Jessie Jackson has added former Chicago democratic
  :  congressman Mel Reynolds to the Rainbow/PUSH
  :  Coalition's payroll. Reynolds was among the 176
  :  criminals excused in President Clinton's last-minute
  :  forgiveness spree. Reynolds received a commutation of
  :  his six-and-a-half-year federal sentence for 15
  :  convictions of wire fraud, bank fraud & lies to the
  :  Federal Election Commission. He is more notorious;
  :  however, for concurrently serving five years for
  :  sleeping with an underage campaign volunteer. This has
  :  got to be a first in American politics: An ex-congressman
  :  who had sex with a subordinate won clemency from a
  :  president who had sex with a subordinate, then was
  :  hired by a clergyman who had sex with a subordinate.
  :  God Bless America.

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Date:    Thu, 2 Aug 2001 11:15:12 -0700
From:    Sandy - AKA Ms Sam <sandy@CHUCKLESOFCHOICE.COM>
Subject: August 2, Friendship Day

Acknowledge your special friends, new and old, today! "The only way to =
have a friend is to be one." (Emerson)=20

MANAGED FRIENDSHIP
Welcome to Managed Friendship, a whole new way of thinking about friends =
and relationships. The Manged Friendship Plan (MFP) combines all the =
advantages of a traditional friendship network with important =
cost-saving features.

1. How does it work?  Under the Plan, you choose your friends from a =
network of pre-screened, accredited Friendship Providers (FPs). All your =
friendship needs are met by members of your Managed Friendship Staff.

2. What's wrong with my current friends?  If you're like most people, =
you are receiving friendship services from a network of providers =
haphazardly patched together from your old Neighborhoods, jobs and =
schools. The result is often costly duplication, inefficiency, and =
conflict. Many of your current friends may not meet national standards, =
responding to your needs with inappropriate, outmoded, or even =
experimental acts of friendship. Under Managed Friendship, your =
friendship needs are coordinated by your designated Best Friend, who =
will ensure the quality and goodness of fit of all your friendly =
relationships.

3. How do I know that the Plan's Panel of Friends is not made up of a =
bunch of losers who can't make friends on their own?  Many of today's =
most dedicated and highly trained Friendship Providers are as concerned =
as we are about delivering quality friendship in a cost-effective =
manner. They have joined our network because they want to focus on =
acting like a friend rather than doing the paperwork and paying the high =
bad-friendship premiums that have caused the cost of traditional =
friendship to skyrocket. Our Friendship Providers have met our rigorous =
standards of companionship and loyalty.

4. What if I need a special friend, say, for walking the dog?  Special =
Friends are responsible for most of the unnecessary and expensive =
activities that burden already costly relationships. Under the Managed =
Friendship Plan, your Best Friend is qualified to pre-approve your =
referral to a Special Friend within the MFN should your needs fall =
outside of the scope of his/her friendship.

5. Suppose I want to see friends outside the MFN?  You may make friends =
outside of the MFN only in the event of a Friendship Emergency.

6. What is a Friendship Emergency?  The MFP covers your friendship needs =
24 hour a day, 365 days a year, even if you need a friend out of town, =
after regular business hours, or when you Best Friend is with someone =
else. You might be on a business trip, for instance and suddenly find =
that you feel lonely. In such cases, you may make a New Friend and all =
approved friendly activities will be covered under the Plan, provided =
you notify the MF office (or 24-hour Friendship Hotline) within two =
business days.
    =20
7. What Friendly Activites are covered under the plan?  Friendly =
Activities that are typically covered include (up to 5 minutes per =
activity - up to 15 minutes under the Premium Gold Friendship Plan):   =20
*Agreeing with you    *Appearing sympathetic    *Chewing the fat    =
*Dropping by    *Feeling your pain    *Gossiping    *Ribbing    *Hanging =
out    *Joshing    *Partying    *Kidding around    *Listening to you =
whine    *Passing the time    *Patting your back    *Sharing a meal    =
*Teasing    *Shooting the breeze     *Slinging the bull    *Holding your =
hand=20

8. What Friendly Activities are not covered under the Plan? Activities =
that would not be pre-approved include (but are not limited to):   =20
*Bar hopping    *Bending over backwards    *Drinking to excess    =
*Giving a hoot    *Going the extra mile    *Lending money    *Real =
empathy    *Sexual favors    *Truly caring    *Using illicit drugs

9. How can I find out more about the MFP?  A simple call is all it =
takes. If you need a friend, just call our toll-free number. Or visit =
our web site. Sign up for the MFP and rest easier knowing that all of =
your appropriate friendship needs will be met.

10. Who decides what's appropriate for me?  We do. Isn't that what =
friends are for?
(Author Unknown)

Sandy (AKA Ms Sam)
http://chucklesofchoice.com

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Date:    Thu, 2 Aug 2001 13:25:15 -0600
From:    Emko Witteveen <emko@MAC.COM>
Subject: Cat Humour

Q: What do cat actors say on stage ?
A: Tabby or not tabby !
Q: How do you know if your cat has eaten a duckling ?
A: She's got that down in the mouth look !
Q: What do you get if cross a cat with a canary ?
A: Shredded tweet !
Q: What do you get if you cross a cat with a tree ?
A: cat-a-logue !
Q: Why did the cat join the Red Cross ?
A: Because she wanted to be a first-aid kit !
Q: How do you know that cats are sensitive creatures?
A: They never cry over spilt milk!
Q: Why was the cat so small?
A: Because it only ate condensed milk!
Q: What does the lion say to his friends before they
    go out hunting for food?
A: 'Let us prey.'
Q: Why happened when the cat swallowed a coin?
A: There was some money in the kitty!

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Date:    Thu, 2 Aug 2001 22:00:58 -0700
From:    Grady Lacy <gradylacy@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: He's dying (Possibly offensive to AIDS or cancer patients)

From BLAGUES-L, a bilingual (English/French) joke list.  Enjoy

> A son and father went to see a doctor since the father was getting very
> ill. The doctor told the father and son that the father was dying from
> cancer. The father, who was an Irishman, turned to his son and said,
> "Son, even on this gloomy day, it's our tradition to drink to health as
> it is in death; so let's go to the pub and celebrate my demise."
>
> Reluctantly, the son followed his father to the local pub. There, while
> enjoying their ale, the father saw some old friends and told them he was
> dying from AIDS.
>
> Shocked, the son turned to his father and said, "Father, it is not AIDS
> you are dying from. It is cancer. Why did you lie to those men?"
>
> The father replied: "Aye, my son, you are right; but I don`t want those
> guys sleeping with your mom when I`m gone."


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Date:    Fri, 3 Aug 2001 00:30:34 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau <Pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Only one apple!

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The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for
lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.  A nun
made a note which said, "Take only one apple. God is watching,"

Moving through the line, to the other end of the table, was a large pile
of chocolate chip cookies. One of the boys wrote a note which said, "Take
all you want. God is watching the apples."


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