Digest for Wednesday, August 01, 2001

There are 11 messages totalling 578 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. My failing manhood
  2. Hugh Hefners Options for the Use of His New House
  3. Golf confessions
  4. Assorted thoughts
  5. Geriatric Sex
  6. Who Are You???
  7. The U.S. legal system
  8. Was It Good For You?
  9. Traffic Report for July 2001
  10. History Homework
  11. Chocolate is better than sex!


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Date:    Wed, 1 Aug 2001 14:13:03 +0800
From:    Yeow Jit San (Benjamin) (Central) <JSYEOW@DIGI.COM.MY>
Subject: My failing manhood <ADULT THEME>

 Concerned about his failing manhood, a farmer went to
 the local doctor for help. The doctor gave him a small
 container of pills and told him to take no more than one
 a day.

 Back home, the farmer thought he'd try the medication
 on his stud horse first. The horse swallowed the pill,
 jumped out of his stall, kicked a side of the barn over
 and ran off down the road.

 "Those pills are too strong for me," the farmer thought,
 and pour the rest into his well.

 Later, when the doctor came to check on him, the farmer
 told how he had disposed of the medication. "Heavens!"
 exclaimed the doctor. "You haven't drunk any of the well
 water, have you?"

 "No," said the farmer. "We can't get the pump handle
 down."

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Date:    Wed, 1 Aug 2001 06:55:55 -0400
From:    The Punk With The Stutter <the-punk-with-the-stutter@HOME.COM>
Subject: Hugh Hefner's Options for the Use of His New House

   The Los Angeles Times recently reported that Playboy founder Hugh Hefner
spent $4.5 million for a 5,500-square-foot house near his existing home, the
infamous Playboy Mansion.

   Let's think about this for a moment: Hef already has a home with a
grotto.  A grotto!  What could be better than that?  What might Mr. Hefner
be planning to install in this new home?

•  Jacuzzi fluid reprocessing station

•  Place for Anna Nicole to stay that is "vomit-safe"

•  Empty field for burying ruptured implants

•  Holding tank for sweaty, crotch-tugging pals of Leo DiCaprio

•  Genetics lab dedicated to breaking the "two breast" rule

•  Laundering facilities specializing in stained leopard prints

•  Doll house for doll family sculpted from used collagen

•  Enormous art project utilizing hair skimmed from grotto
___   ___   ___   ___   ___   ___   ___   ___
by Christopher Painter
Copyright 2001 Modern Humorist, Inc.

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Date:    Wed, 1 Aug 2001 06:02:05 -0500
From:    Randall Woodman <rwoodman@HOME.COM>
Subject: Golf confessions

On their honeymoon the new husband told his bride, "I have a confession that
should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our
relationship."

"What is it?" she asked.

"I'm a golfer," he said.

"What's the big deal about that?" she asked.

He replied, "When I say I'm a golfer, I mean that I'll be on the course
Saturday, Sunday, Wednesday afternoon, and any holidays. If it comes to a
choice between your wishes and golf -- golf wins."

She pondered a moment and said, "I thank you for your honesty. In the same
spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I've concealed something about my
own past that you should know about. I'm a hooker."

"No problem," was his response, "just widen your stance a little and overlap
your grip and that should clear right up."

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=} Randall {=-   Buy some velcro gloves, and get a grip!

Need a tagline?  Visit http://www.taglinesgalore.com/

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Date:    Wed, 1 Aug 2001 13:10:56 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@VENTURENET.CO.ZA>
Subject: Assorted thoughts <clean>

I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent.

I have abandoned my search for truth, and am now looking for a
good fantasy.

Appreciate me now, and avoid the rush.

I feel much better, now that I’ve given up hope.

All I want is a warm bed and a kind word, and unlimited power.

I try to take one day at a time -- but sometimes several days
attack me at once.

We've been through so much together -- and most of it was your
fault.

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Date:    Wed, 1 Aug 2001 07:15:12 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Geriatric Sex

A young fellow was about to be married and was asking his
grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should have it. His
grandfather told him that when you first get married, you want it
all the time...and maybe do it several times a day.

Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so. Then
as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get
really old, you are lucky to have it once a year..... maybe on
your anniversary.

The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well how about you
and Grandma now?"

His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now."

"What's oral sex?" the young fellow asked.

"Well," Grandpa said, "She goes to bed in her bedroom, and I go
to bed in my bedroom....  And she yells, 'F**k You!!!!!'

and I holler back, 'F**k You too.'"

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Wed, 1 Aug 2001 07:36:52 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Who Are You???

 A minister, a priest and a rabbi were enjoying the serenity of a country
 dipping pond. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their
 clothes and jumped in the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to
 pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom."

 As they were crossing an open area, a group of very old ladies from town
 approached them. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and
 the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while
 they ran for cover.

 After the ladies left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister
 and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his
 privates. The rabbi replied...."I don't know about you, but in MY
 congregation, it's my FACE that they would recognize."

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Date:    Wed, 1 Aug 2001 06:58:38 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau <Pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: The U.S. legal system

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1.    January 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin Texas was awarded
$780,000.00 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping
over a toddler who was running amuck inside a furniture store.  The
owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict,
considering the misbehaving tyke was Ms.  Robertson's son.

2.    June 1998: A 19 year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000.00
and medical expenses when his neighbor ran his hand over with a Honda
Accord. Mr.  Truman apparently didn't notice someone was at the wheel of
the car whose hubcap he was trying to steal.

3.    October 1998: A Terrence Dickson of Bristol Pennsylvania was
exiting a house he finished robbing by way of the garage.  He was not
able to get the garage door to go up, because the automatic door opener
was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door
connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut.  The
family was on vacation, so Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the
garage for eight days.  He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a
large bag of dry dog food.  This upset Mr. Dickson, so he sued the
homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental
anguish.  The jury agreed to the tune of a half a million dollars and
change.

4.    October 1999: Jerry Williams of Little Rock Arkansas was awarded
$14,500.00 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by
his next door neighbor's beagle.  The beagle was on a chain in it's
owner's fenced-in yard, as was Mr.  Williams.  The award was less than
sought after because the jury felt the dog may have been provoked by
Mr.  Williams who, at the time, was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet
gun.

5.    May 2000: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber
Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania $113,500.00 after she slipped on a
spilled soft drink and broke her coccyx.  The beverage was on the floor
because Ms.  Carson threw it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during
an argument.

6.    December 1997: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware successfully sued
the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the
bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth.  This
occurred while Ms.  Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the
ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge.  She was awarded
$12,000.00 and dental expenses.

7.    And just so you know that cooler heads do occasionally prevail:
Kenmore Inc., the makers of Dorothy Johnson's microwave, were found not
liable for the death of Mrs.  Johnson's poodle after she gave it a bath
and attempted to dry it by putting the poor creature in her microwave
for,  "just a few minutes, on low," The case was quickly dismissed.


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Date:    Wed, 1 Aug 2001 07:59:46 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <PBenoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: Was It Good For You?  <adult>

Guys, have you ever wondered if your woman really enjoyed
the lovin' as much as she said she did? Ever wondered if
that was a real orgasm, or did she fake it again?

We're here to help. If your woman exhibits more than 4 of
the following, it's not just your imagination, you really
ARE having lousy sex!

1. She's in a hurry to get it over and done with. No reason,
   she just wants it finished.

2. She doesn't even bother to take most of her clothes off.
   If the pants are gone, but she still has a hat, jacket
   and her purse on, and you're not having a quickie in
   the bathroom at McDonalds', you're in real trouble.

3. She's obviously thinking about something else. Not
   someone else, but something else, like the laundry.
   If you look at her, and she's studying her nails,
   making lists, or reading, you don't even want to
   know how deep a hole you're in.

4. She doesn't fake orgasms anymore. She knows you don't
   care.

5. She falls asleep before you finish. In all her snoring,
   drooling glory.

6. She suggests using the femidom (female condom). Once you
   see this baby, you'll never look at a sandwich baggie the
   same way again.

7. No more cuddling. Instead, she's right out of the sack
   and on the phone before you can collapse on top of her.

8. You want to go on a bender weekend with the guys, since
   Steve is getting married in a month. She packs for you,
   and doesn't even ask for the number at the hotel.


*********************
Don't argue with that woman ... dicker.



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Date:    Wed, 1 Aug 2001 22:35:15 -0400
From:    Doug Harter <douglas.harter@VERIZON.NET>
Subject: Traffic Report for July 2001

Hi, everyone, this is Doug, with this month's traffic report. Once a
month, during the first part of the month, I send the report to
the entire HUMOR list.  Welcome to the month of
July, 2001.

I am going to make you work for the Contributions of Humor. The
jokes themselves will not be shown, only the link. Follow the link if
you want to see what the joke is. For more information on this, see
the Contribution of Humor section.

Everything is climbing slowly. I have even noticed the
number of jokes has picked up the last week or so. I guess
our contributors are back from vacation.

Welcome our new Contributors or old Contributors with new Email addresses:
    Bill Austin <wbaustin@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Humor Archives for all Digests from January through May 1996 and January
1997 through the present are available. See the following sites:

Text files: 1996 through April 1999
    http://www.crosswinds.net/~jimjr
ZIPped files: 1996 through April 1999
    http://www.geocities/com/BourbonStreet/6293
Text & ZIPped files: May 1999 through present
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HTML Digests: 1996 through present
    http://djharter.www3.50megs.com
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             Traffic Report for July 2001

Week  Sun    Mon    Tue    Wed    Thu    Fri    Sat

 1     5      7      7      7      9      8      7
 2     7      7      9      9      6      12     9
 3     8      9      11     9      9      13     10
 4     8      9      11     11     10     12     6
 5     7
                                          Jul    Jun    Jul    Jul
                                          2001   2001   2000   1999

# Jokes for the Month:                    252    240    224    222
# days of submissions for the month:      31     30     31     31
Average Jokes per day for the month:      8      8      7      7
# Contributors for the month:             25     24     31     38
# Subscribers as of end of the month:     7367   7347   6495   *
# Contributors as of end of the month:    614    613    609    *
# Countries as of end of the month:       85     84     84     *

* - Statistics not available

The above statistics are based on addresses registered to our
listserver. It does not include addresses which receive HUMOR by
other than direct mailings. The numbers include
concealed/non-concealed subscribers
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United Arab Emirates, USA, Venezuela, Viet Nam, Yugoslavia, Zambia,
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And now, the Top 15 Contributors. This will show you which
Contributors are sending the most contributions of Humor each month.
Those who are posting every day are noted.

     Top 15 Contributors from 07/01/2001 to 07/31/2001

Contributor                                      # Posts

Les Pourciau                                      28
The Punk With The Stutter                         29
Mickey&Karen                                      28
Bill Stebbins                                     29
Terry Galan                                       17
Randall Woodman                                   16
Stan Kegel                                        12
Rose Vos                                          12
Yeow Jit San (Benjamin) (Central)                 10
Paul Benoit                                       10
RANEBOUX                                          8
Sandy - AKA Ms Sam                                7
Lee_Bradley                                       7
Maurizio Mariotti                                 6
Emko Witteveen                                    6
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The Humor staff is comprised of:
  Jay Harman, Listowner <jay_harman@hotmail.com>
  Larry Randall, Examiner & Rules Enforcer <larryrandall@hotmail.com>
  Doug Harter, Archivist and Traffic Reporter <djharter@aol.com>
  Bill Edwards, Founder and Listowner Emeritus

HUMOR GOALS
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A diversity of humor: sources, forms, subjects.
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requirement).

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Now the Contributor Spotlight:
Featured this month: Emko Witteveen
Emko has contributed sporatically in the first quarter of 2001. Here
is information about him, in his own words.

I work for a national hardware chain delivering their products to
retail stores throughout central British Columbia. The trip takes
four to five days, depending where I start and the amount of
deliveries there are.

I started to receive the Humor in the digest form just after I got my
first computer. I purchased Mac for Dummies by David Pogue and in the
internet chapter it had Humor Mailing List sign up address. After a
false start I was on and hooked.

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Date:    Thu, 2 Aug 2001 11:02:59 +0800
From:    Yeow Jit San (Benjamin) (Central) <JSYEOW@DIGI.COM.MY>
Subject: History Homework

 Mother: "How's your history paper coming?"

 Son: "Well, my history professor suggested that I use
 the Internet for research and it's been very helpful.

 Mother: "Really?"

 Son: "Yes, so far I've located 17 people who sell them!"

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Date:    Wed, 1 Aug 2001 23:30:39 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau <Pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Chocolate is better than sex!

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                  CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX

1)  You can GET chocolate.

2)  "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.

3)  Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.

4)  You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.

5)  You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.

6)  You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.

7)  If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.

8)  Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called
    nasty names.

9)  The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.

10) You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working
    hours without upsetting your co-workers.

11) You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.

12) You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.

13) With chocolate there's no need to fake it.

14) Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.

15) You can have chocolate at any time of the month.

16) Good chocolate is easy to find.

17) You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.

18) You are never too young or too old for chocolate.

19) When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.

20) With chocolate, size doesn't matter.

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