Digest for Monday, May 28, 2001

There are 6 messages totalling 246 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. An Airborne Puppy
  2. Things I MUST remember as a dog
  3. That would get *my* vote
  4. Marinade
  5. Lettermans Top Ten Signs Your Senator Has Lost it
  6. business was failing


Date:    Mon, 28 May 2001 06:36:29 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau <Pourciau@MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: An Airborne Puppy

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A man was in a hurry to board the airplane and didn't have time to do
the paperwork to get his little doggie on board. So the man stashed the
puppy down the front of his pants and snuck him on to the plane. About
30 minutes into the flight, a stewardess noticed that the man was
squirming in his seat.

"Are you OK, mister?" the stewardess asked.

"Yes, I'm fine," said the man.

Time went by and again the stewardess noticed strange movements.

"Are you sure you're all right, sir?"

"Yes," the man insisted, "but I have a confession to make. I didn't have
time to do the paperwork to bring my puppy on board, so I hid him down
the front of my pants."

"I see," the stewardess said. "Well, as long as he's housebroken, I
guess it will be OK."

"Oh, he's housebroken," the man replied. "The problem is, he's not
weaned yet!"


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Date:    Mon, 28 May 2001 07:24:48 -0500
From:    Randall Woodman <rwoodman@HOME.COM>
Subject: Things I MUST remember as a dog

Things I MUST remember as a dog:

 1. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
 2. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the
coffee table.
 3. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the
 4. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
 5. I will not eat the cats' food, before they eat it or after they throw it
 6. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in
the house when I am about to get sick.
 7. I will not throw up in the car.
 8. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like
the way they smell.
 9. "Kitty box crunchies," although they are tasty, are not food.
 10. I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit them in
the backyard after processing.
 11. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
 12. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
 13. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my
people will think I am hemorrhaging.
 14. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down
when it's raining outside.
 15. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
 16. I will not steal my mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard
with it.
 17. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are mom & dad's laps.
 18. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
 19. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for dad's
driver's license and car registration.
 20. I will not play tug-of-war with dad's underwear when he's on the
 21. I will not eat mint flavored dental floss out of the bathroom garbage
to avoid having a string hanging out of my butt.
 22. I will not use "roll around in the dirt" as an option after just
getting a bath.
 23. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of
saying hello.
 24. I will not hump on any person's leg just because I thought it was the
right thing to do.
 25. I will not pass gas in my owners face while sleeping on the pillow next
to their head.
 26. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the
 27. The toilet bowl is not a never-ending water supply and, just because
the water is blue, it doesn't mean it is cleaner.
 28. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when
company is over.
 29. Suddenly turning around and smelling my butt can quickly clear a room.
 30. The cat is not a squeaky toy so when I play with him and he makes that
noise, it's usually not a good thing.

-=} Randall {=-   Ever wondered why dogs smell each other in the butt?

Need a tagline?  Visit http://www.taglinesgalore.com/

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Date:    Mon, 28 May 2001 15:35:30 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@VENTURENET.CO.ZA>
Subject: That would get *my* vote <clean>

Something you may want to suggest to your local candidate...


Gold coins and mobile phones have rained down on people in
southeast Egypt as a candidate, standing in the ongoing council
elections, decided to shower locals with incentives to sway their
vote, a police source said on Sunday.

Over the last four days, a glider bearing the name and election
symbol of independent candidate Samir Harres Agaybi, appeared
above the governorate of the Red Sea, dropping mobile phones,
gold coins and bank notes of 10 and 20 Egyptian pounds ($2.5 and
$5), the source said.

The candidate also offered cars and "expensive presents" to
officials in the region, the source said. Agaybi is standing in the
second round of the by-elections to the local council. - AFP

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Date:    Mon, 28 May 2001 09:54:25 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Marinade

One evening a man was very impressed with the meat entree his
wife had served.  "What did you marinate this in?" he asked.

His wife immediately went into a long explanation about how much
she loves him and how life wouldn't be the same without him, etc.
Eventually, his puzzled expression made her interrupt her answer
with a questions of her own:  "What did you ask me?"

She chuckled at his answer and explained, "I thought you asked me
if I would marry you again!"

As she left the room, he called out, "Well, WOULD you marry me

Without hesitation, she replied, "Vinegar and barbecue sauce."


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Date:    Mon, 28 May 2001 10:16:59 -0400
From:    The Punk With The Stutter <the-punk-with-the-stutter@HOME.COM>
Subject: Letterman's Top Ten Signs Your Senator Has Lost it

10. Only voting he does is on MTV's "Total Request Live"

9.   Claims to be senator from the great state of Margaritaville

8.   During debates, speaks only through a hand puppet made of his hairpiece

7.   Instead of voting "Yay" or "Nay," often voted "Nyay"

6.   Publicly fights with wife about his mistress (Sorry, that's a sign your
mayor has lost it)

5.   Supports "dress down Fridays" by showing up to work naked

4.   Describes George W. Bush as the "greatest president in the history of
the United States of America"

3.   Only interested in capturing the "monkey man vote"

2.   During TV interviews, says things like... (Video of Sen. Lieberman,
"I'm going to raise your taxes so I can buy myself a sweet Camaro"

1.   Asks the floor to recognize the "junior senator" in his pants

İMMI, Viacom Internet Services Inc.

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Date:    Mon, 28 May 2001 07:43:54 -1000
From:    Mickey&Karen <mhenn@GTE.NET>
Subject: business was failing

A businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was failing,
he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody - it was
bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went to a priest
and poured out his story of tears and woe.
When he had finished, the priest said, "Here's what I want you to do:
a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take
the beach chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the beach
chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible; the wind will rifle
pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at
the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that
will tell you what to do."
A year later the businessman went back to the priest and brought his
and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife
in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope
stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the priest as a donation in
thanks for his advice.
The priest recognized the benefactor, and was curious. "You did as I
suggested?" he asked.
"Absolutely," replied the businessman.
"You went to the beach?"
"You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?"
"You let the pages rifle until they stopped?"
"And what were the first words you saw?"
"Chapter 11."

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